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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal husband behaviour?

32 replies

Ladykluck · 09/09/2019 06:36

Quick background. Been married for six years, together 13years. One DS aged 3. Over the last 2 years my DH has really changed. He runs his own small business and is obsessed with work. I’m a doctor and work full time.
He very rarely helps around the house, mows the grass every so often and that’s about it. He’s constantly leaving his clothes dumped anywhere, leaves dirty dishes on the side, never tidies away after himself, never cleans anything, I have to pay for everything, refuses to discuss any issues we are having ( there are a few), complains I’m always asking him to do things (which he never does) sulks if I say something he doesn’t like, makes me feel like all our issues our my fault.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask a man in his 30’s to just help me out a bit. I feel he should know as my husband and a father that he needs to do more than work. I want to be treated like a wife, not a servant.
My question is, Does this happen to you and is it normal? AIBU to expect some help from my husband or is this something I should just put up with as that’s what marriage is like?

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 09/09/2019 06:43

Definitely not what marriage is like! There are some people on here who have DHs who do 50% of all childcare and housework. I don’t have a DH like that, I have one who also works a lot of hours and is probably more on the lazy side around the house if I’d let him but when I’ve told him it’s too much for me to be doing everything he has taken that on board and does his own washing, clears up in the kitchen after dinner each night and will do other stuff when I ask him to. I do moan that I wish he did more but due to his work it’s not very practical.
Everyone is different in what balance works in terms of housework and childcare but for me it’s about being listened to and working as a team. I’m not really sure what to suggest other than to try talking to him again and telling him that you’re not going to be doing everything for him anymore (then actually not doing it)

HennyPennyHorror · 09/09/2019 06:44

No it doesn't happen to me and no it's not normal.

I advise you to get out now while your son is young. Leave it till' later and it will be harder and more painful.

You've been together for so long...unfortunately, parenthood changes some men for the worse.

He's not even paying his way? I think your best course of action is to sit him down when your son isn't at home...or go out to a park or somewhere neutral and tell him this is the end of the line and you want a divorce....unless he's prepared to change immediately.

List what you want....him to tidy up after himself and do his share of household maintenance and him to put money into the pot.

If he argues the toss, see a solicitor.

Elodie2019 · 09/09/2019 06:48

What was he like before your DS was born ? Was he really any different? Or are you just noticing his selfish ways more now?

AnyFucker · 09/09/2019 06:50

As an educated woman, did feminism completely pass you by that you even have to ask this question ?

Original poster

Ladykluck · 09/09/2019 06:58

Thanks for the replies. Before we had our DS he was never like this. He also didn’t have his own business back then either. Just went out to work 9-5pm. He helped around the house and we would split up what needed doing between us. He’s always been very tight fisted with money. He’s certainly changed since having our son, and yes for the worse. In my mind unless he drastically changes I can’t see us lasting much longer. I really want to try and get him to see what he’s doing is wrong but I don’t know how as he never wants to discuss these things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ladykluck · 09/09/2019 07:03

To clarify we do put half each in the pot for bills/mortgage. But everything else I buy (food, clothes, holidays, etc) I do ask for him to pay his share but he rarely gives me it.

OP posts:

Sally2791 · 09/09/2019 07:08

If he won’t discuss (because status quo suits him probably!) then write it all down, keeping a copy in case he rips it up, stating what is wrong and that things need to change if he wants the relationship to continue. Before the shit hits the fan, I would suggest getting all the information you can on his finances in case he starts hiding stuff. Don’t tolerate any half hearted efforts, life is short,refusing to communicate is in itself a reason to leave

Original poster

Ladykluck · 09/09/2019 07:14

Sally 2791 thank you. He’s very secretive with his finances but I’ll do my best.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2019 09:20

He is stonewalling you. This is not acceptable.

In a marriage all should be open. Secretive people have things to hide or they use it to control you and keep you on the back foot.

mtracyfryer · 09/09/2019 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Qcng · 09/09/2019 19:12

ScabbyHorse · 09/09/2019 19:33

Not normal- reprehensible.

LittleMy20 · 09/09/2019 22:32

Yup
It was like that for me and I’m
On my way out. Commiserations. They are apparently not all like this.

Hillfarmer · 09/09/2019 22:50

Sorry you are being treated like this by someone who, presumably, professes to love you. These are not the actions of a man who cares or respects you.

Somehow, your transition to parenthood has brought out his inner misogynist. This happens. It’s as if - despite you being an intelligent , independent, reasonable and educated person - he thinks you are inferior to him and you need to put up and shut up if he says so. The way he shuts you up is to make things unpleasant for you until you leave it. His stonewalling is really nasty and leaves you with no avenue to go down, apart from an ultimatum.

Your child is three now. I would suggest he has therefore been honing his craft for at least three years. Deep down, your DH thinks the child stops you from walking out or demanding a split. Well, hot news, it doesn’t. We are not in the fifties. Divorce laws exist.

None of his behaviour is your fault. Don’t let him pin blame on you. I would go forward with an ultimatum. This has to stop.

In the meantime, arm yourself with information about your situation. An hour with a family lawyer would do no harm at all, even if you don’t pursue it.

Don’t let him get away with this.

DBML · 09/09/2019 23:30

My husband does any diy; the dishes; his and our son’s ironing; the garden; bins; cleaning the bathrooms.

I vacuum; do the washing; polishing; clean windows; change beds and my own ironing.

We work together to keep the house nice and work identical hours. Marriage should be teamwork, not one person taking advantage of another.

chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 23:35

You deserve better than this.

MMmomDD · 09/09/2019 23:38

If he doesn’t contribute to food and holidays - why are you feeding him and bringing him along....
And equally - why are you picking up his mess and doing laundry?
He is clearly treating it like some sort of free hotel. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’d just stop providing all the free services; would just create a box where all his crap would end up y; and he can deal with his own food.
When he notices the changes - he will talk.

SunshineAngel · 10/09/2019 00:05

Have you had a proper, serious conversation about this? I had a similar issue with my partner this time last year, and I actually broke down in tears because I couldn't do everything anymore. He was stunned that I hadn't told him how I was feeling. He admitted that he is rubbish at seeing what needs to be done, but if I just tell him what to do, he'll do it. To be fair to him, he does.

If your partner won't help, even when seeing how much it upsets you, that is just unacceptable, and that's not a man that I would want to remain in my life, tbh.

pallisers · 10/09/2019 00:20

No it isn't normal and yes you deserve better and someone who loves you shouldn't want you skivvying around after him while you put in a full time, hard job.

I wouldn't put up with this at all.

I also think he is hiding the finances of his business. My guess is he is either syphoning money away or losing money and that is why he isn't contributing to your shared living expenses.

A decent person would share this problem with their spouse and come up with a solution together. I think he is using you to coast along with this business that is failing.

PushingThru · 10/09/2019 00:25

Just leave - you're on a doctor's pay with one kid, you don't have to put up with this disrespect for a moment.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 10/09/2019 00:31

OP, you are a doctor so presumably quite intelligent and highly educated. You must know this isn’t normal husband behaviour in a healthy relationship. Your husband is a turd, and a sneaky, selfish one at that if he’s secretive about finances.

Original poster

Ladykluck · 10/09/2019 08:39

Thank you. We have had conversations in the past where I’ve told him how I feel and I’ve broken down crying. He changes for a week or so and then he’s back to his usual ways. I’ve been with him since I was 18 and it’s the only relationship I’ve known. I hear other people saying ‘my husband doesn’t do this that or the other’ and so assumed that most men where in fact a bit useless when it comes to household tasks. I’ve tried not doing everything but the house quickly gets a mess and we have no food. So if I don’t do it then it won’t get done. Im off this week so I’m going to seek some legal advice.

OP posts:

BogglesGoggles · 10/09/2019 08:44

My husband is similar in the sense that he is very messy and doesn’t think to do housework - his mother always cleaned up after him so he’s basically developmentally stunted in this respect. But he earns most of the money so at least he’s good for something. I still find it difficult to tolerate (tried making him do it but he’s like an idiot when it comes to housework). Talking to many of my friends they have similar experiences. Make sure you teach your son how to do housework. Only children who stand to inherit enough wealth to have a full time housekeeper can do without this basic life skill.

SophieSong · 10/09/2019 08:48

Well, for a start it isn't about him 'helping' you around the house. You both work, you both have careers - he should be doing his fair share, not 'helping' with 'your' work.

Being secretive with finances and not contributing, being disrespectful to you and expecting you to act like a 1950's housewife - no this is not what marriage is like. Unless we are talking 70 years ago.

womaninthedark · 10/09/2019 08:48

Good to hear you're getting legal advice. Your life will be so much better without him.

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