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Original poster

ExH being difficult over access

47 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/09/2019 10:15

I've posted before about my exh - he's a selfish dick, who thinks the world revolves around him.

DD(16) has just got a part time job in a pub near my house. Ex lives about a 20 minute drive away. The problem is, the shifts fall on his nights to see her (he somehow thinks I've arranged it all on purpose, like we can dictate to the pub when they need her to work). I've offered to switch some nights around to make things a bit easier for him, whilst asking him to do some of the pick ups from work. He's basically demanding that I switch our entire access schedule around to suit him and ensure that he never has to pick her up from her job. This doesn't suit me as I'm trying to co-ordinate when we have my husband's kids as well (exh doesn't have this complication to consider).

This has been going on via email all weekend and I'm sick of it. He's trying to turn it into a negotiation, when actually I think I've been really fair. I've ended up saying that if he can't be arsed picking her up from her shift from time to time we'll cut access from 3 days to 2. DD is fine with this - it's not like I'm trying to stop her from seeing her dad. In fact she recently asked to see less of him as he was treating her like crap. Is this unreasonable? I'm tired of him trying to control every damn thing.

OP posts:
MonaChopsis · 08/09/2019 11:42

If she's 16, she absolutely gets to decide when she sees him... My 15 yr old DSD doesn't come to stay with me and DD nearly as much as she used to, because she has a Saturday job and wants to hang out with her friends. It's a normal part of growing up.

RandomMess · 08/09/2019 11:46

Just stick to his usual 2/3 nights if he can't be bothered to pick her up then he misses contact which is a win win.

Your DD is 16 has a part time job, she is too old for a contact schedule at all tbf.

I think I said that in your last thread!

He needs to accept she is a mid teen and longer a young child to play pass the parcel with. Her life no longer revolves around what he wants.

AwesomeTrucker · 08/09/2019 11:50

By that age my DD arranged her own contact with her Dad, it's very difficult for teenagers of that age to stick to a rigid schedule unless both parents live in the same area near the same friends, school etc.

ShutupWesley · 08/09/2019 11:52

I would back away completely and let them arrange contact between themselves, your DD is now 16.

Hopoindown31 · 08/09/2019 11:52

She is 16 it is now her relationship to manage you just need to support her decisions.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/09/2019 11:53

She is 16, you need to step back and let them sort it out between themselves. No need for all the emails.

madcatladyforever · 08/09/2019 11:54

Just tell him to fuck off and refuse to negotiate. That's the only way to deal with people like this.
Not your problem.

Windydaysuponus · 08/09/2019 11:55

Congratulations!! At 16 you don't have to deal with him anymore.
And dd doesn't either should she wish.
He should be lucky if she sees him at all!

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/09/2019 12:45

Thank you, you're all right as per usual. Trouble is, if I leave her to deal with him he bullies her until she agrees to something she doesn't really want just to shut him up. He's a selfish prick - it's all about him. He'll still be trying to find reasons to contact me and control every situation when she's at university in a couple of years. I dream of the day when I never have to speak to him again!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2019 13:07

What was the twice weekly contact nights agreed as?

Just start a new email. As agreed contact is x and y evenings, this week DD is working Y evening so if you still want to have her that day you will need to pick her from work at 10pm.

Repeat repeat repeat - grey rock style!

Robin2323 · 08/09/2019 13:17

Think you're going to have to let this one go.

Once dd got a mobile ex contacted her - yay - the end.

Support your daughter.

Eg . Keep telling to send.

'No dad. That doesn't Work fur me ' and repeat.

She needs to do this else becomes carpet for the rest of her life.

RandomMess · 08/09/2019 13:23

You have a year to sort this out, a year to teach DD to stand up to his bullying.

There is a huge risk that she walks straight into a relationship that is as abusive as the one she has with her father.

Why a year? Because if he pulls the plug on school fees then she can start over elsewhere.

I suggest she agrees with work one evening that she is not available for work - the same one each week. That is one of his evenings, the other one that she may or may not be working.

Then teach her grey rock, including blocking his number for days at a time so she is spared being hassled.

Each week she can let him k ow if she is working on that 2nd evening and his option is either to collect her after work for contact or not. Do not deviate, swap, concede at all ever.

Speak to DD explain that he bullies because up until now you have always both acquiesced but that needs to stop and there will be a short term back lash and then it will be easier to "manage" him.

He has no power over her other than financial and she does not want the next 5 or more years being bullied because £ are dangled as a carrot.

Seriously it is more important that this is sorted than she gets to remain at this fee paying school. In 10 years you haven't learnt to stand up to him, and neither has she - the time is now before he ruins the rest of her life.

This is abuse pure and simple.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/09/2019 13:49

Contact nights are currently Thursday, Friday, Sunday. The job is Friday evenings and Sunday afternoons. I suggested that we alternated Fri & Sat going forward so that he only had to pick up every other Friday. This wasn't good enough, so I've now said fine, if you can't be arsed picking her up every other Friday then you can just see her on Thurs & Sun. This still isn't good enough as he isn't getting his 'agreed' 3 nights.

I'm very aware that I need to sort this out and I'm doing my best. The suggestion that this will lead to her having an abusive relationship worries my massively. He's picking her up later. I've now blocked and refused to engage any further. Have told her what I've told him and said that she shouldn't let him talk her round.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2019 14:31

So it's already back up to the three nights after she asked to reduce it two?

So he has some contact EVERY weekend?

Remember if he takes it back to court they won't give him 3 nights if she doesn't want that much...

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/09/2019 14:33

He talked her round when she tried to reduce to two nights, promised her that he'd try to change and she felt bad not giving him a chance. However this job changes everything. (BTW he doesn't approve of her working and says she should be concentrating on her school work. She has told him to mind his own business). Even reading this back I can see what a control freak he is being. Something has to change.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2019 15:08

So she gave him (yet another) chance and he's at it again...

Yes he is completely controlling and all the evidence is that she'll fall for someone superficially charming and equally as controlling.

"His" contact nights have always been x y z so why change them now? He can't have it both ways.

She is 16 this about her having the relationship with him that she wants not that he dictates.

You know the law, you know she cannot be made to go so why are you acting like he has "contact rights" he doesn't.

stucknoue · 08/09/2019 15:15

At 16 she should be sorting her own access not you, obviously back her up if she asks but you can't make a 16 year old do anything

RandomMess · 08/09/2019 15:22

But this 16 year old needs support, her Mum isn't capable of standing up to him so how on Earth is she going to be?

Can you ask for her to have support in school? She really will need help to break the toxicity Thanks

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/09/2019 15:53

I think you're being unfair on me @RandomMess - I do stand up to him. My posts only tell half the story. You make it sound like I just roll over and let him have his way which is absolutely not the case.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 08/09/2019 15:57

He is already controlling her. He has got her trained.

RandomMess · 08/09/2019 16:01

Sorry I didn't mean it so black and white.

He ties you in knots and you doubt yourself, not surprising having been abused by him. It's really really hard to to break that pattern in yourself. You end up trying to negotiate with someone that is completely unreasonable.

I think as you know it's not going to me as simple as letting your DD sort contact for herself as he'll just continue to bully and abuse her.

I wondered if an "impartial" professional would help her be more resolute in stating what she wants and not cracking under the emotional blackmail he piles on.

It's a really shit situation made worse because DD seems to feel more beholden due to school fees. In an ideal world how often would she choose to see him - one evening per week?

Part of me wonders that if she knows legally he can't force her then the arrogance of youth may kick in and she offers him one weekday evening per week of her choice "like it or lump it".

He may refuse to pay her fees but in terms of a healthy life a state 6th form is better than being cowed by him plus I think it will continue through uni over money Sad

slipperywhensparticus · 08/09/2019 16:06

There is a word you need to use begins with N? Ah yes its NO as in NO she is not a child you cant demand she drops everything for you NO she has a job now she wants to save up for things herself NO you cant just throw a tantrum and get your own way

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/09/2019 16:11

Thanks @RandomMess - you're right, it's a difficult cycle to break and I have got better at dealing with him over the years.

She's just gone off with him, I've coached her about what to say. I just hope she is strong.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 08/09/2019 17:51

There are some excellent state sixth forms in schools and colleges. This is an ideal age to move. Take the financial blackmail out of this and it it will all be so much easier.

Rockos · 08/09/2019 19:16

You need to do two things. 1) get her a phone so that all contact goes through her. Refuse to engage with him. She’s not 10 2) get her into therapy ASAP so she can learn skills from a professional on how to deal with a bully

This is no longer your problem to sort. Support her and advise her but that’s it. She’s going to end up refusing any contact at all isn’t she. That’s the problem with bullies. They get their comeuppance when the kids get old enough to vote with their feet

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