ExH being difficult over access

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I've posted before about my exh - he's a selfish dick, who thinks the world revolves around him.

DD(16) has just got a part time job in a pub near my house. Ex lives about a 20 minute drive away. The problem is, the shifts fall on his nights to see her (he somehow thinks I've arranged it all on purpose, like we can dictate to the pub when they need her to work). I've offered to switch some nights around to make things a bit easier for him, whilst asking him to do some of the pick ups from work. He's basically demanding that I switch our entire access schedule around to suit him and ensure that he never has to pick her up from her job. This doesn't suit me as I'm trying to co-ordinate when we have my husband's kids as well (exh doesn't have this complication to consider).

This has been going on via email all weekend and I'm sick of it. He's trying to turn it into a negotiation, when actually I think I've been really fair. I've ended up saying that if he can't be arsed picking her up from her shift from time to time we'll cut access from 3 days to 2. DD is fine with this - it's not like I'm trying to stop her from seeing her dad. In fact she recently asked to see less of him as he was treating her like crap. Is this unreasonable? I'm tired of him trying to control every damn thing.

She's had a phone for years - she's 16! He still insists on bugging me. But I'm blocking him on everything - had enough.

Do you know if his DW has left yet? Perhaps she needs help with the patio...?

Please make it a priority getting DD some professional support as well as you. He is vile without sympathy or seeing DD as a person in her own right with her own thoughts, feelings and life

He's not remarried - no one will have him! But would defo help his GF bury him under the patio LOL!

Big news ladies. I have gone no contact. Blocked on text and WhatsApp and have changed my email address. He has my husband's phone number in case of emergency, and I will obviously support my daughter in her dealings with him. I feel FREEEEEEE!!

Congratulations OP!

Hurrah

Although you have to help DD and support her and I think it could be a really rough time for you both 😢

Of course I'll support her - she knows that. I think it was inspired giving him my husband's number for emergencies - he won't give him any crap. That's the only thing which has been stopping me from doing this before - what happens if there's an emergency when DD is with him?

Blimey - well done OP.
The freedom must feel great.
I hope your DD can learn to stand up to him.
Just keep re-enforcing with her that this kind of behaviour is controlling and abusive and that she should avoid any men like her DF in the future.

WooHoo!!!

Good for you.

He will try to bully DD into giving up her job. She's going to need your help to see it and resist it. I think one of the most helpful things you can do is to help her accept that she can also walk away from him and this does not make her a bad person.

She's already falling into the trap of putting all the weight on his words not his actions. Help her to ignore words and look at actions.

Her behaviour here means she is at risk of future abusive relationships: being talked round, acting against her own best interests, putting her own happiness lower than his, wanting to fix a situation entirely of someone else's making, "poor troubled man" is a valid excuse for bad behaviour, feeling responsible for his happiness.

You can teach her to see the actions, value herself above a man, stop feeling responsible for other people's feelings, and ultimately know she can walk away even if that makes the man sad/angry/vengeful.

Your NC means your FOG will rapidly clear so you are in a great position to help. Independent therapy for children subject to domestic violence could be tremendously helpful to get her boundaries repaired before adulthood. Even if there was no violence, behaviour of the controlling men who bully by whatever means have similar effects on the children. By seeking out a domestic abuse specialist you can be sure the therapist will "get it".

I know....unsure about therapy, feels like it makes it all very 'serious', having said that I never had therapy after I left him and maybe I should have. Am still damaged by the whole experience.

What's also worrying me is that I'm away for 2 weeks in Nov for my 50th without my DD - I don't want him exerting control over her while I'm not there to support. I think I will have my mum come and stay with her so that she doesn't have to spend more time with him than she normally would.

Maybe link her to some videos about codependency etc. Awareness is half the battle.

How about you and DD do the freedom course on line at the same time?

Sadly she will be "damaged" to some extent. The good news is that input now will help undo it and stand in her in good stead for the future!

Yes I would get your Mum to stay. 16/17 is young to be home one for 2 weeks anyway tbh.

Oh I was never going to leave her home alone! Thanks I will take a look at that.

To be honest OP if your daughter is 16 then why isn't she speaking to her DD about this and explains things instead of you? If she's old enough to work and wants to cut her time down then she should be sorting that herself.

@Moondancer73 that's exactly the position I'm trying to move to however with a controlling dad to deal with she needs my support. He bullies her around to what he wants every time and I can't just completely leave her to it. This isn't a normal father/daughter situation.

However the good news is that he's apparently been talked round (by her) to my original suggestion. So that was time well spent all weekend trying to negotiate with the twat! Anyway, no more. He is blocked.

Just keep reminding DD that stock phrases are great!

"I'm 16 not 6"
"I have my own life with my own friends"
"Do you want to see me or not? I'm free on x instead of the usual y but it's fine if you just want to miss that week altogether"
"If you carry on being nasty about Mum I don't want to come anymore"

Anything about him paying school fees
"Well I'm quite happy to start over and go to X 6th form instead "

Anything about court, or his contact
"I'm 16, court isn't interested in what you want anymore"

Some of these seem rude but she needs to be blunt and take back the power. She needs to know that she can and should call him out on his nasty abusive behaviour.

She is counting down until "his" contact stops well really she's already at that point!

I would speak to the school bursar and make them aware of the situation and asks what happens if he pulls the plug on her fees especially if it happens after the end of year 12 so can't easily start again. Such as, can they pursue you for fees, do they have a bursary or scholarship fund and so on.

If she’s old enough to work in a pub she’s old enough to sort out seeing her dad herself. It should be up to her at this age when and how much she sees him.

All quiet on the Western front since I went no contact, it's bliss! Should've done it years ago. What he doesn't know is that I've kept my old email account active but he hasn't even tried to email me. Weekend arrangements sorted out with minimum fuss via DD. Best decision I ever made!

Long may it continue!!!

In fact she recently asked to see less of him as he was treating her like crap.

In what way does he treat her like crap?
Does she only see him because she feels obliged to?
Is she aware she doesn’t have to see him AT ALL?

He is controlling and emotionally abusive, and treats her like a child. She's totally aware she doesn't have to see him at all. But he's her dad and she's trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.