Tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage

[Owl7432]

I've been with my husband for around a decade but we haven't even been married a year. Obviously the honeymoon period ended long ago and way before the wedding, I'm under no illusions that relationships stay passionate and exciting years in. But I don't think it's supposed to be like this.

His addition to being on his computer / Xbox has definitely got worse in the last few months. He spends no time with me in the evenings or weekends, he's always on there playing or talking to friends on chat. Either that or he will go out for whole weekends to do his hobby. When I say he should spend time with me sometimes he says I am needy, and need to find something for myself to do.

We never have sex, and now sleep in separate bedrooms. Whenever I try he says no because he's just had a shower, or no because he needs a shower. When we did have sex he would lose energy very quickly and treated it like a job, he never interacted with me, I just feel like a sex doll as he was acting like there wasn't even another person there. He never wants to just sit with me holding hands or kiss me. Foreplay is a thing of the past.

When we bought our house he said he wanted a baby soon. Then he said it would be after marriage. Now he says he's not sure he even wants one, so I feel a bit messed around and like he hasn't been honest with me.

Divorce isn't an option, as I wouldn't be able to survive financially or ever have a property of my own (yes I do have a job). I also couldn't deal with the humiliation from family and friends etc. I can really see myself having an affair if someone came along who was interested in me, as the loneliness is horrible.

I just wondered if anyone else is in a similar position (married and trapped in unhappiness) and how you deal with it?

You get strong.

You confide in someone.

You leave.

You can do it and you will be happier and you will meet someone who deserves you and you will have a family with them.

Alternatively stay, be miserable and try and have a life without him. Go out with friends, cinema, pub.
Don’t do anything for him though. Let him do his own laundry and cooking.

I do wonder why on earth you married him though.

Op you don’t even have children and I assume are relatively young so you really do need to look at divorce as an option as this isn’t a life

And you could leave, sell the house, rent a one bedroom house/flat and be very very happy.

We’ve split and although it’s been tough for us both financially, we’re definitely both much happier.

Honestly, that’s what you need to do. You’ll be amazed how people will rally round with ideas and support. People you barely know can really surprise you.

The only tip is to leave or to plan to leave.

Not being able to buy a home is not a disaster. You will cope with the humiliation, which incidentally should not even be a thing if your loved ones have your best interests at heart. The humiliation of an affair would be 10000x worse.
I know this is easy to say but I do have some personal experience of all this (not the affair bit but the separation stuff).
What are your prospects of increasing your income?

To be honest he may end divorcing you because it sounds like he's completely checked out of the relationship.

Divorce isn't an option, as I wouldn't be able to survive financially

You're working - of course you could survive. You rent a little flat , is what you do, and you live happily on your own.

Your "plan" of staying married because of what people would think, is ridiculous. And the other plan of having an affair instead of dealing with your situation, is even more ridiculous.

You need to get out because it's no way to live. My parents stayed together and are now retired in a very unhappy marriage, neither one seemingly able to leave. Please don't bring a child into this sort of scenario, even if he relents.

I think you are much too young to settle for this sort of relationship TBH.I am sorry to say Do you think he may be gay?/or having an affair?.Why did you get married .If you want a baby you will not be having one with this chap!.Truly you need to get out NOW! .The chances are you will be able to find someone else who appreciates you and have some fun trying!

How old are you OP and do you work full time?

I am pretty sure he isn't having an affair with a woman, but him being gay has crossed my mind.

I am late 20s and yes I work full time, but on an average wage and live in the south east so my salary wouldn't go far if I were to rent alone.

Why did you feel you had to go through with the marriage? You definitely need to divorce and start over OP. Life is too short to be so unhappy.

Honestly just leave as soon as you can even if it make you poor. There’s more to life

Come on, reading your description, surely you don't want another 50 years of this? Of course divorce is an option.

An option and probably a necessity

Someone else might be able to advise - would you be entitled to working tax credit or any housing benefit maybe?

You dont have to deal with it - you can leave.

My first thought is that he is gay. Probably a good thing that sex is off the menu if thats the case.

As a single person with no children you are in the best place to leave. The days are long past that anyone has to stay in a loveless marriage because of (perceived) humiliation.
You dont even have to stay in your area if you find a job elsewhere.

You have zero chance of any marital happiness now. No children and no companionship.Are you staying just for the roof over your head? A room of your own ?

Divorce isn't an option, as I wouldn't be able to survive financially or ever have a property of my own (yes I do have a job)

Would you really choose to waste the rest of your life with someone who doesn't even like you much, than rent? This is madness.

You leave and divorce, and you either live with friends/family for a while, or you get a room in a shared house, or you leave the area completely because you don't have ties.

Or you settle into a life of utter misery, and keep on reminding yourself that this is the price you pay for a house.

Maybe one day you can bring a child into this miserable situation, and use them as an excuse to stay.

Or maybe you'll have an affair, and when your family and friends are judging you, well, you can tell yourself that at least it is better than the humiliation of divorce.

You are not trapped. You are not even pushing on an open door. You have no reason to stay with him, only excuses for not leaving.

Christ, OP. Is the humiliation from family and friends worse than the humiliation of being married to someone who isn't interested in you? As for the financial aspect, you will find that you can survive. Your lifestyle might change, but you will be able to do it.

You're young. Your whole life is ahead of you. Are you truly staring down the barrel of desperate unhappiness and asking for tips on how to force yourself to survive it, when you could just walk away and be free from this?

I think you need to work out a way to leave too. If you don’t get on now then how are you going to manage for the rest of your life. Imagine what that would do for your mental health.

Worrying about being humiliated when you tell your friends and family is pointless if you think about it. Anyone who cares for you even a teeny tiny bit are just going to want to help and support you and anyone else doesn’t matter.

If you stay with this man then it would be morally wrong for you to have a child with him. It would be unkind and unfair on any child to bring them into your current situation. (Nothing wrong with having kids on your own). If you want kids then you need to leave him.

If you are seriously considering staying with him then how about some counselling ?

You aren’t trapped, you have options you are just not willing to take.

Look, if you think that living with this man is worth the financial security then knock yourself out but please God, don’t be selfish and bring a child into this car crash of a relationship that you know won’t get better.

Distract yourself with an extramarital relationship if you wish but for someone as humiliation averse as yourself, that decision will only increase the possibility of humiliation and losing the financial security you crave.

There’s only so many lies you can tell yourself about this sham or a relationship that you insist in hiding in.

Go and get yourself a room in a nice buzzy small house are in a good area. Or a straight 2 person share with someone similar you can get on with. Don’t put up with this OP. Don’t worry what anyone thinks.