Tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage

[Owl7432]

I've been with my husband for around a decade but we haven't even been married a year. Obviously the honeymoon period ended long ago and way before the wedding, I'm under no illusions that relationships stay passionate and exciting years in. But I don't think it's supposed to be like this.

His addition to being on his computer / Xbox has definitely got worse in the last few months. He spends no time with me in the evenings or weekends, he's always on there playing or talking to friends on chat. Either that or he will go out for whole weekends to do his hobby. When I say he should spend time with me sometimes he says I am needy, and need to find something for myself to do.

We never have sex, and now sleep in separate bedrooms. Whenever I try he says no because he's just had a shower, or no because he needs a shower. When we did have sex he would lose energy very quickly and treated it like a job, he never interacted with me, I just feel like a sex doll as he was acting like there wasn't even another person there. He never wants to just sit with me holding hands or kiss me. Foreplay is a thing of the past.

When we bought our house he said he wanted a baby soon. Then he said it would be after marriage. Now he says he's not sure he even wants one, so I feel a bit messed around and like he hasn't been honest with me.

Divorce isn't an option, as I wouldn't be able to survive financially or ever have a property of my own (yes I do have a job). I also couldn't deal with the humiliation from family and friends etc. I can really see myself having an affair if someone came along who was interested in me, as the loneliness is horrible.

I just wondered if anyone else is in a similar position (married and trapped in unhappiness) and how you deal with it?

Life is too short to stay in a relationship like this. Think about the love and care you’d show to a close friend in this position and try and apply the same compassion to yourself.

Do you have family / close friends you could stay with just in the short term while you make a plan for your living arrangements?

Life is short, op.

Do you really think owning a house is more important than being happy and loved?

Don't waste your youth and fertility on a "relationship" like this. For the sake of losing face and money. Madness.

I was a thousand times happier being completely broke in a tiny studio flat than I was when I was financially secure in a lovely house and a dead decade-long relationship. A year later I met my wonderful now husband and within 5 years we've got married, bought a house and had a baby.

Break free, OP. There's so much better out there for you. This marriage will end, one way or another - do it now and give yourself as much time as possible to build and enjoy the life you deserve.

I could put up with an obsessive hobby (I’ve been known to be on my computer for 14 hours straight), but the lack of intimacy and consideration is an absolute deal breaker.

OP you have no future with this man - leave now while you have your youth and relatively unharmed (by him) well-being.
Plodding along for 10 years will rob you of your chance for happiness - you’ll be too old for kids, and he’ll have chipped away your confidence, self-esteem and zest for life

You leave. Life is too short to be unhappy.

OK so you're late 2p's.

Are you OK never having a decent sex life, affection or real partner interaction for the next 60 YEARS? Are you OK never having children, or convincing him to have 1 and him never being interested and modelling this unhealthy relationship to them?
On the only sex and affection being covert with some guy whose just after sex, or falling in love with someoen but never being able to do anything about it?

You leave. You find a flat share or a single room somewhere and you work on yourself and your self esteem.

Or you live essentially as a single woman with no chance of real love or family in what is basically a house share with a guy who doesn't want you.

You're throwing your life away over a failing marriage.

Being alone and living in a tiny flat isn't something to be afraid of when the alternative is the life you have with him now. You'll have more fun and happiness away from him.
You're in your late 20s and have so much life ahead of you.

Make the most of it.

Sorry if this isn't helpful but when I was single I lived as a lodger in a young couples house and was able to save over 400 a month towards a mortgage deposit, you have a job so it should be doable.

You don't need tips on how to survive an unhappy marriage.

Your husband has checked out of your marriage. This may hurt but you need to get out of the marriage and move on.

Be strong pack his stuff and get him to leave.

You only get one life don't waste it on this twat!

OP, the marriage you are in is not the one that you thought you were entering. You think you have been messed around because you have. He hasn't been honest with you.

There is no happy ending for you here. The cost to you of just surviving is huge. Your self esteem, happiness, potential children, health, friendships are all at serious risk.

This is really hard to come to terms with, because people who have not been through this don't always get it.

If my daughter said what you have written I would for everything I could to help get her out.

You are only trapped if you let yourself be

This isn't the 1800's. Women do not need to stay married to survive.

Rent a poky studio. House share. Go back to family. Anything.

Don't waste your fertile years on this man. You can bet he is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere...whatever form they take.

You will never meet snother man that is decent while you remain in this sham of a "marriage"

I divorced my first husband. It was scary but it was my only option - it’s also your only option - and I can’t tell you how freeing and amazing it was being on my own in my own renter postage stamp sized flat, not worrying about how shit tomorrow would be.

I went on to someone amazing and have a family and this marriage is unrecognisably different. I can’t believe I stayed as long as I did but you can’t see the wood for the trees when things are so shit you use all your energy getting through the day. Being on my own in between was a happy brilliant time. I didn’t know if I’d meet anyone else and focussed on enjoying my independence. I was skint but so very happy.

Divorce isn’t a great experience bit it’s a damn sight better than existing in a horrible relationship.

Stop wasting your life in this dead-end marriage.

I'm another who immediately thought your DH is gay when I read your OP but, even if he isn't, the two of you don't love each other any more and need to move on. Please, please don't have children with him.

Divorce is always an option.

Leave now while you're still young. You should be enjoying life.

I'm probably echoing what everyone else has said. You're so young. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be like? I know when you're in the middle of it it's hard to see a way out but there are ways around everything. You would get help financially.

Start doing some research. Put a claim in if you feel ready and plan your bloody escape. Life is so so short. You're wasting time with someone who doesn't make you happy when there are people out there who could.

Late twenties! I thought you were much, much older than that.

You have to get out. Yes, you might not be able to buy a house on your own, but you could meet someone much better suited to you than this man. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, they aren't having to live with him. If you are worried about that though, you could go off travelling or something - be an au pair abroad for a while or something like that, just to get away from negative people.

Why do some people put what others will think and finances before they wants needs and happiness I see it so often on here,
If you arnt happy and partner couldn't care less and keeps changing what he wants out of life and clearly wants different things from a marriage, personally I'd be out of there why did you marry him?
You really want to commit the rest of your lives togeather like this a marriage that clearly your miserable in and clearly he dosent care??

He's either addicted to porn or paying for sex. He's getting his rocks off elsewhere in a selfish, self-focussed way. He can't even be bothered to talk to you.
he will go out for whole weekends to do his hobby
And
I just feel like a sex doll as he was acting like there wasn't even another person there. He never wants to just sit with me holding hands or kiss me
Are what make me think the above. Get counselling OP, you clearly don't value yourself much. Build yourself up so you can leave and be happy. Good luck.