Would you message?

[takeahint]

Someone I work with has been off work for a few months, maybe since the beginning of June. I think with stress, possibly even depression. We have always been friendly in work. Although we don't work in the same department, our paths cross fairly often, and have been friends on FB a couple of years. We have over that time had the occasional lengthy chat over FB messenger, quite personal stuff at times, plain ridiculous carry on at others. Totally platonic.

After he had been off for a few weeks, I sent a message just to say hello and that I hoped he was doing okay, bit of chat back and forward. He messaged me again later to say thanks for getting in touch, no one else from work had, and that it meant a lot.

I went to message again today and he's deleted me. We still have mutual friends, but I see he's deleted at least one other person that I know was a mutual friend.

Do I take the hint? Should I have got in touch before now? I've been asking about him in work over the last month and it kept sounding like he was heading back, so I was just waiting to see him. Now I'm not sure if and when he'll be back.

Do I message anyway? Even though he'll probably know I know he's deleted me? Do I just ask him straight if offended him in some way?

Thanks.

Why would you message someone that’s deleted you?

I would imagine he is thoroughly stressed out and anxious about the possibility of returning to work and has deleted any links to work so he doesn’t have to discuss it.

I would still message, no mention of the deletion and just say you'd been thinking of him and just wanted to drop a line and see how he was doing.
He's going through a tough time, you were thinking of him, even if he doesn't reply I reckon its nicer for him to know that than not

No, deleting you is a clear sign he doesn't want to engage, although probably confusing for you.

If he's possibly depressed I would avoid doing anything that could be deemed as pushy. Could stress him out.

No don’t message! His deleted you he doesn’t want you to message, surely thatnis clear??

I agree with SleepingStandingUp. What harm can it do? I was off work with similar, and deleted all colleagues when I heard what some of the had been saying in my absence. Not all had been horrible, but I cut all work ties on social media.

He is off work and prob doesn't want to be reminded of it. He may think you are trying to get information of him. He may think you are overly nosy who knows

The mutual friends that we have are all people from work. Every one of them, so I don't think it's the work link.

Don’t know why people are saying to still messaged, he’s deleted you so obviously doesn’t want contact, that’s a very clear sign. This isn’t a boyfriend just some random colleague.

Going against the grain a bit I think a message would mean a lot. I have suffered with depression and anxiety throughout most of my adult life. One of the many things I do is push everyone away. I don't now use social media mainly because in the depths of a depressive episode I deleted nearly everyone. At the time I justified it by telling myself that nobody really gave a shit about me anyway. What I really wanted was for anybody to reach out and see if I was ok. It would have helped my mental health tremendously if just one person had messaged me.

You don't have to mention that he's deleted you. Just a friendly message checking if he's ok. If it's the wrong thing to do he just won't reply. He can't delete you again.

I think message. Don't mention the deletion, as depression can make you delete / push away friends out of shame and fear of being a burden.
Just be your normal self xxx

The worst thing to happen is he doesn't reply,

Things are better said than unsaid xxx

If he's actually deleted you, it might be that he doesn't want to message you.

But, my partner has been offer with his back (he has a heavy lifting job) for almost three months, and is due to go back this week - and only one person out of the people he works with has bothered to check how he is. He is quite upset by that, as he felt that he was friends with a lot of the people, and this has made him think again.

But if you've asked him how he is, and he doesn't want to talk, there isn't much you can do about it, really.

Take the hint and leave him alone. For goodness sake. He doesn't want to communicate with you and his reasons why are none of your business. He couldn't possibly be more clear.

OP you're probably going to make the situation more awkward by messaging. As you said it's only you and another person he's deleted. Respect his decision. If you contact him after it's clear he doesn't want to speak you're putting him in a position.

Just be pleasant when he comes back to work and take it from there.

It's not definitely only me and one other. It's just that there is one other good friend of mine that I know for sure he was friends with and now he isn't. I don't know how many mutual friends we used to have.

I did/do consider him more than a "random colleague". I just wouldn't like to think he doesn't come back to work and continues to think absolutely no one cared.

And actually, he could have been more clear. He could have blocked me. It's only because I searched my friends list for him that i realised I'm deleted. Had I just gone back into our messages, I wouldn't have noticed and gone ahead and messaged anyway.

nope.

Maybe he thought blocking was extreme, if someone deleting you doesn’t make you think they don’t want to have contact then I don’t know what to say you obviously want to message him so do it then but you did ask for opinions.

He's deleted you, not the other way about. I'm sure he won't jump to the conclusion that you don't care.

Yeah he could've blocked you, but he chose to delete instead. I think that's clear enough he doesn't want contact. I don't think it's best to probe him.

If you want to be supportive, just be kind when he's back at work.

@PumpkinP I'm not going to message him. Yes, I asked for opinions, and I've had varying ones, not all the same as yours. I didn't ask for people to be so rude and patronising. All I've done is clarify points that other posters have made.

I was off work with stress and was hurt no one contacted me to check in. When I came back I found out they were told not to because my boss quite rightly felt I needed a total break from work.

He has deleted you possibly he knows you might contact him, and he might not be strong enough for that, the other work colleagues might not have contacted him.

Give him some space, when you see him again just say how good it is to see him and tell him he was missed.

He is probably having an awful time of it. Blocking you must be the right thing for him right now, so respect his wishes.

Also he might think deleting you is blocking you, I thought this.

Er, no.

If you saw someone in the street and they blanked you, would you run after them?

Just leave it, takeahint. When people are ill with stress and depression they often want to cut themselves off from others, even friends. It's a defence mechanism, they can't help how they are but they feel ashamed and don't want anyone to see.

He may come back in the future but leave it up to him. He's not rejecting you exactly, he wants to 'eject' himself (I hope that's the right word).

for being a good mate.

He's playing games. He wants you to notice that he has deleted you and ask why. I take it that it was a little while a go that you last spoke? Who ended the conversation?