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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't know how to handle DH's behaviour.

27 replies

FaerieKiss · 07/09/2019 17:14

DH has been under a lot of work related stress recently. The means to make it better lie within his own hands but it requires him to do several tasks which he really hates. So, he's not doing them which means he's very stressed by the consequences of his non action. It's very frustrating having to watch but I have tried to be understanding, listened to him a lot, tried suggesting better ways to tackle the situation. But we just keep talking round the same old houses. He is incredibly stubborn and seems almost paralysed to sort himself out at the moment.

Instead, he does lots of displacement activity, getting busy about unnecessary stuff. And he has started popping out to the pub 'just for one pint' but then staying all afternoon. It's happened quite a lot of times in the last couple of months, and he's done it again this afternoon. And frankly I'm getting sick of it. He does sometimes invite me to go and join him, but I'm not a pub person and I don't particularly like the people he's met there. I mean they're absolutely fine just not my cup of tea and I don't enjoy their company.

We've had several rows about it but neither of us can see the others pov. He just insists he needs some me time to try and relax. I think he's acting like a teenager and not dealing with his responsibilities like a grown up.

We are meant to be going for a curry later with friends but really he's probably going to be worse for wear having spent all afternoon in the pub and he'll be crap company.

He's just messaged and suggested me and our friends join him now at the pub because there's a good live band playing. But I feel angry and resentful at him for basically running away to the pub. Just unsure how best to resolve the situation.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 07/09/2019 22:10

What kind of job does he do? I know a bit about work-related stress from a friend who is a distinguished expert in this field of research.

He says the biggest stresser is when you're in a low paid, low status job with no control over your life and feeling pressure to provide for your family and their expectations. Could this be your DH?

EvilPostbox · 07/09/2019 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvilPostbox · 07/09/2019 22:28

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CarolDanvers · 07/09/2019 22:42

Very tough to get them out the pub once they've made that their habit and an entrenched part of their lives. Has he always been slightly problematic with alcohol consumption? Is this really a new thing or has it just increased by increments till becoming something that can't be ignored? The asking everyone to join him there is annoying too, he sounds like he's kind of reluctant to leave what he perceives as a haven.

MMmomDD · 07/09/2019 23:08

OP - I know it is frustrating when someone isn’t dealing with issues in their life the way you think they should.
Or when they find some solutions that appear easy to us - difficult/impossible to act upon.
Or when they seem weaker than what you are, and look for deflection...

However, he is an adult. And you aren’t his mother. He is allowed to deal with his stress the way he wants to/is able. He ISNT you.

There is a limit, of course. If he becomes self destructive, etc - interfering is warranted.
But at this point it’s more your preference for what he does VS his preference. And given that it’s his life and he is far from being unreasonable - i’d Leave him to it doe a while.
Let him try to get over his issues ok his own.

limitedperiodonly · 07/09/2019 23:10

@evilpostbox I can't give more details about my friend except to say he is extremely distinguished in academic research. Let's just say it's more than a PhD.

TheresWaldo · 07/09/2019 23:11

He sounds really unhappy and like he's trying to avoid being at home. It's not acceptable of course. It's really hard to call from the info you have given. I have been there myself with dh's mental health problems and I found what worked was GP and a separate person to offload to. It's hard I know. And many people aren't sympathetic.

limitedperiodonly · 07/09/2019 23:12

How did that happen @evilpostbox?

EvilPostbox · 07/09/2019 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerpendicularVincent · 07/09/2019 23:19

It sounds tough on both of you - are there additional stresses at home that mean he's using the pub to avoid them?

Work stress can affect every area of your life. If you think he's becoming alcohol dependent to cope, I would encourage him to seek help, and also to speak with his boss/HR department.

untoldstories · 07/09/2019 23:19

Is it possible he's suffering from depression?
Does he ever join in with things/activities you want to do?
Could you do something together, the pub quiz if they have one could be a bit of fun?

limitedperiodonly · 07/09/2019 23:22

Do you think he might be depressed, OP?

CarolDanvers · 07/09/2019 23:25

If this is a real change in habits, I might well find myself taking him up on his offer to watch this great live band so I could check out who these new "friends" were...

untoldstories · 07/09/2019 23:28

I'd be wanting to know who his new pals are too tbh and seeing a new band is a great way to get into the swing of things and maybe meet new people locally yourself.
Did you get out for your curry by the way?

TheresWaldo · 07/09/2019 23:29

Indeed, I would be wondering who he was meeting in the pub. You say you don't like them? Load of drunken blokes? Women?

limitedperiodonly · 07/09/2019 23:30

That's good idea @PerpendicularVincent. He should contact HR but obvs not while after having had a few

PerpendicularVincent · 07/09/2019 23:36

Definitely not whilst he's drunk, Limited!

I think he definitely needs to tackle the source of the problem, and if it's work then he needs to speak with his boss and ask for support.

untoldstories · 07/09/2019 23:37

He is walking to the pub isn't he?

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 07/09/2019 23:38

@limitedperiodonly its not HR this man needs , its an Occupational Health referral .
Im not "distinguished" but i am a senior mental health clinician.

OP if your DH is drinking to excess it will affect his mood anyway, so even if he is depressed, treatment would not be successful until he tackled his drinking.

Ultimately he needs to want help.

zenasfuck · 07/09/2019 23:52

He may be struggling with depression

These days with social media I think the pressure is great for people to have the perfect lives.
So many posts about beautiful homes, perfect families, perfect holidays, perfect clothes, perfect kids etc
Maybe he's struggling and finding escape from reality in the pub

BoumBoumBoum · 08/09/2019 00:14

Get him to the GP pronto. Men will disguise MH issues and not address them. Better to sort it before it gets worse. Been there done that and out the other side thank goodness. I didn’t find MN much help when I posted on this topic. Affairs were mentioned and one cowbag even suggested my dh suicidal tendencies were because I had driven him to it! Go the sisterhood.

untoldstories · 08/09/2019 01:18

Just rereading your op and thinking about it.

He's just messaged and suggested me and our friends join him now at the pub because there's a good live band playing.

When you say our friends?

Are these people friends of you both or are they your friends?
I'm only asking because maybe he doesn't particularly like them, as you don't particularly like the people he meets at the pub, maybe he doesn't think of your friends as his friends.

Whatever, you have a problem and your DH has a problem, his problem may or may not be alcohol related but it seems he needs an escape from his life at the moment.

BrainSurgeon · 08/09/2019 09:01

How old is he OP, could this be some sort of midlife crisis?

Not that I'd be able to advise you how to deal with that.... but it's worth looking into to know that to expect. It's a proper shitstorm

BitOfFun · 08/09/2019 15:07

Are you able to help him with any of these tasks he is procrastinating over? Are they difficult in and of themselves, or is he just not detail-orientated?

Is there anything else going on for him, do you think, like depression/bereavement/debt?

untoldstories · 08/09/2019 17:10

Hope everything's ok @FaerieKiss.

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