Cheating husband

[Comet123]

My husband has cheated on me for years. Affairs, Prostitutes, you name it, he’s done it. Thing is, if he leaves or I throw him out it means that I will not have enough money to survive on. I feel trapped, angry and hurt.

If that is genuinely your assessment of the situation, (and I think you are likely to have many people telling you that being poor and free is far preferable to being a doormat) then you need to start making a determined secret savings plan. At least you will have this secret to comfort yourself and know that one day you can afford to leave 💟

Can we help you with a plan? Tell us more about your situation. Do you work? Do you have DCs, how old etc? You might not be able to leave immediately, but set a goal. You can then be finally free of the shit bag.

You do realise what you are saying don’t you ? You are in his pocket.

Plan your exit carefully and quietly find a way out.

He is what he is. Cheap.

If you're married, you have a claim on the marital assets.

What makes you financially dependent on him: children, housing, disabiliity?

I think you are seriously ignorant as what your rights and entitlements are, and you need to see a solicitor as soon as humanly possible. Get out of this nightmare marriage.

Have you looked into how much in benefits you’ll get? Is the house owned? Do you have kids? My friend split from her abusive husband and she had literally nothing. She was in a poor state. No savings at all. She did it though and is now thriving. You can do it. Tell us more about your situation so we can help you

I work part time and have 2 adults kids at home who both have health problems, and can’t work.
My own health is poor as well, but I’m looking for a second job although I’m close to retirement age.
Whichever way I work it out, I need his financial contribution to keep it all going.
He works, but we have no assets that could be shared in a divorce or anything like that.
Literally living day to day and hoping that at some point I stop feeling like my head will explode with anger.

Yes, I like you thought I would throw a cheater out. Until I realised that I too, am trapped financially.So sad.
SAHM for years, PT when DCs older.But despite him being a big earner, redundancies at various times , not being able to pay off mortgage as quickly as we should, has left real problems.
I am not happy with here with my cheater, but definitely would be miserable living in poverty.
And too old and health issues to support myself.
No helpful advice but thought I would let you know that I do understand that it is not easy.

What is the future for your adult dc, will they ever live independently?

I think I would disengage emotionally, if I were stuck and live separate lives.

Eldest Boy is reliant on me for emotional support as his problem is a mental health issue. Youngest boy has a rare condition which can’t be cured but he can live with.
I have already disengaged emotionally but it’s the constant lies, and carrying on as normal that gets me.

You're probably be entitled to a share of his pension.

Thank you, it means a lot to know that I’m not the only one. It’s like being held hostage with an emotionally cruel captor. He knows what should happen like me chucking him out, but he also knows that he holds the strings and I can’t make the move.

You'd probably be*

In this situation I wouldn't be looking after him.

Would you get any benefits? Would you be granted any financial support from him for the children if you divorced?

First call is to social services. What can they do for your children, as you can’t go on any longer? They need to be living independently with support services set up.

Then Women’s Aid for you, and the Freedom Programme. You’ve disengaged as far as you can, now you need to complete the job. You will be able to not care what the fuck he does. He will lose all power over you. But if he realises, he will make things hard financially because that’s the only hold he has left.

Local council should have a domestic abuse unit. Talk to them about your situation.

Can they point you to a one-bedroom flat to make your haven for your later years?

Have you looked at what the three of you would be entitled to with universal credit if you were to lose the shitty dh? There's an online calculator you can use.

Might your eldest benefit from the routine and validation of some sort of job?

He cashed that in a few years ago. It financed his lifestyle for a while.

I will look into your suggestion. If the boys were off my hands it would make things so much easier to deal with.
Thank you

Boys are Adults, but not in good health. So no child support would be coming in.

Horrible for you OP. What would happen on a practical level if he left you?

In a word I would be destitute. Silly me, should have had a plan B 😟

Live as separately as possible, don't speak or interact with him, don't cook or wash his clothes. If he leaves you will at least have a divorce settlement of some kind.

Surely your sons are entitled to universal credit at least, and you would get a top up amount? If you're a carer for either of them, you might get carer's allowance? If you pooled resources, would you be able to manage where you are as a three?

I totally understand your situation. I’m in similar position and holding it together for my DC at the moment due to A Levels etc. I’m doing ok leading my own independent life within the house, but find it very difficult when I look at my H with him acting as if nothing has happened as he has had no consequences and it makes me feel that he is very smug, although he possibly isn’t.