How can I get him to leave :(

[m1seryguts]

I have split with ExDP of 10 years. We have 1DC. He won't leave. He has done something unforgivable and I have made my stance clear that he has to go.

He keeps saying "I'll sort it", "I'll figure it out" but he has nowhere to go. Not even family. He can't afford a place and the house is mine.

I can't live like this anymore. Every time I see him it reminds me of the life I have tad taken from me. I am quite literally in a pity party for one over here. Equally I just can't throw him out. He's the father of my kid, I'd rather not have to do this. I think he's playing on this though.

Please help me :( any and all ideas welcome...

You'll have to give him notice and make him go.

Can you afford to pay his first month's rent on a room somewhere to make it easier?

Not really but at this point I would leave myself short to get him out.
I have been asking for weeks, I've made myself perfectly clear. I don't know what to do now, i feel a bit powerless.

This sounds incredibly tough, OP. You have my sympathy.

Does he work? Can he claim benefits?

If he really won’t leave you may have to call the police. Sorry he’s doing this

If the house is yours and his name is nowhere on it, wait until he’s gone out and get the locks changed, he has no right to be there.

This sounds so tough, you poor thing. Have you got real life support as well?

OP if the house is in your sole name ( whether owned outright, mortgaged or rented) then he has no legal right to stay if you ask him to leave.

If he refuses to go you are absolutely within your rights to call the police, though I completely appreciate that this is easy for me to say. As pp said the other option is to change the locks. Either leave his stuff outside or give him the option to collect with the proviso that you WILL call the police should he not go.

....if he betrayed you enough to split the relationship of 10 years, why should you feel obliged to help him ??

Kick his ass to the kerb and lock the door !

All the while he's guilt-tripping you into letting him stay he has no incentive to find alternative accommodation. Bluntly, he's playing you and he's using you. An ultimatum should focus his mind.

Either change the locks or give him notice to leave by midday on x date (text or email as well as verbal) and mean it when you say you'll involve the police if he refuses to go.

If he is deliberately putting you in this position and you're the one who is paying the mortgage he has no respect or concern for you so why do you think that you owe him any?

He is manipulating you. Woman up and tell him he goes on monday or is removed.

could he afford to rent a room in a flat share. May be cheaper than renting privately on his own.

Thanks all.
We talked about the flat share, really he needs his own place in order to look after our little one. I wouldn't allow him to go to a flat share with people I didn't know, for example. Maybe as a temp measure. He works full time, just shit with money. Another burden I can't wait to be rid of.

I've had another talk with him tonight, after trying to fob me off "I've had a nice day with DC stop ruining my night" (!!!) I told him he gives me a date and sticks to it or I will give him a date, and it will be in the next 5 days if it's down to me. If he wants any longer he will have to prove to me that he is actively looking for a place and not just sending woolly emails to Rightmove.

I'm not convinced this will work but at least my cards are on the table. I'm trying to keep this amicable for DC (he has a nasty streak and this is in our interest to keep this as nice as possible otherwise he'll make things hard for the little one) but I feel like I'm losing my mind.

If he has a nasty streak even more reason to toss his irresponsible ass out

You’ve been more than compromising OP. Tell him to pack his bags and go ! ASAP

He will have to work it out

I was in a similar situation to you several years ago. I saw a solicitor who told me that legally, I wasn't allowed to change the locks but to do it anyway and we'd discuss it later. I waited until my ex was out, changed the locks & left his stuff outside. He was cross but I ignored him and it all worked out fine in the end.

@funmummy48 I presume then that either you were married or you owned the house jointly. In this case the OP isn't married and is the sole owner of the house. She can certainly change the locks and throw him out perfectly legally.

The thing is that you're trying to do the best for your child. In the short term just chuck out your ex, look after yourself and your child.

Your ex is responsible for his own relationship with your child, this is not your responsibility.

I'd worry less if he was in a flat share with 'strangers' around my kid tbh as chances are they'll be more decent than him and also help ensure he doesn't treat the child badly. No way would I want someone with an 'nasty streak' alone with my kid. Let him flatshare if he fancies it op, it gets him out of your house and any other issues can he dealt with when they arise.

Agree, flatshare is a good idea.

if he wont go then you do need to contact the police

I had this issue. Is he hoping you resolve itand relationship continues? Give him 2 weeks notice.. A week is a bit harsh to find somewhere decent. Give him a set date and really mean it.
Send him links to cheap flat shares and say here are some options. He can have you joint child evenings and go to a wacky or somehti g rather than overnights if needed to start with until he's on his feet. Or could he have dc at your house if comfortable? (no keys).
His issue not yours, you can't control his life. It's his responsibility to resolve the housing problem.

Also of he's being paying for financial repairs, building works or towards the mortgage. He could if he was being an arse lay claim to part of house. But it would be exceptionally difficult and cost a lotto pursue legally. I owned mine outright so no issue with mortgage payments and works all paid for by me and documents signed confirming his non payments pre livi g together and no claims. The boring consequences of being previously divorced. Might be worth you speaking briefly to a solicitor just in case.
In the meantime you do have the right to remove him.

@thecatneuterer yes, you’re right. I hadn’t picked up that the house belonged to the Op!

@Spanglyprincess1 yes I own the house outright and although he does give me money it is more towards bills/food/LO etc. I don't know where that would stand legally to be honest, I'm crossing my fingers that he simply wouldn't be bothered to do it. (Mostly based on the observation that he can't be bothered to do most things 🙄)

Thanks everyone for your replies, really does help me get a bit of perspective. To be clear he'd never do anything to our child, he is a brilliant father, but he does have form for making life as difficult as possible for me if he doesn't get his own way.

Pretty sure if you kick him out (and the house is only in your name) he’ll be homeless so can speak to the council. If he voluntarily leaves however they may not help him. He needs to see where he stands in terms of emergency accommodation.

OP, I was married to an abusive arsehole who made my life hell. The house was also mine, and after him flexing his muscles for weeks, I simply gave him an hours notice to get his things as the locks were being changed. I made sure it happened when there were no DC around, and it was the most liberating thing I did.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that you are the only one thinking of consequences, he’s playing on your conscience. Time to put his to the test...