If I'm not being oversensitive how do I deal with this

[nrpmum]

I'm not sure if this is me, or whether I need to back up and draw some strong boundaries.

It is MIL related, but I have history with my mother who I'm LC with so I'm not sure I'm seeing problems that aren't there.

MIL has historically been really good to me.

Two years ago when DS moved out she volunteered to pop in on the dogs when we were at work due to financial pressures. She has been doing this every time needed without fail, and as she won't take recompense for this we pay for a weekend away, and various theatre trips, etc per year instead.

When she lets the dogs out she picks up any post that we have had and puts it on the table. When she does this she texts me or calls to say that I have post, what company it is from, asks me why I have post from that company or makes a supposition as to what it is. She tried to persuade me to let her open my son's college results when they came through the door!

We can't buy anything without her passing comment.

She keeps a close eye on Facebook, and I get regularly asked why dh (her son) has done this/that.

She comments about money constantly.

She also constantly goes on and on about DHs ex, whether he did x,y,z with her, etc when the only time he sees ex is when he sees his son or if they go to a school play together or health appointment. I'm pleased he has such an active role in his son's life, but mil seems to want to drive a wedge.

Most of the time I ignore her, but I'm close to snapping after her recent spate of it and if I'm honest I don't really want to see her at the moment.

She denigrates dh's ex all the time which I call her out on because she is a great mum to DSS.

She has hardly any relationship with her other son because she is open about favouring my husband which results in bil not visiting, and sil won't go round because of the way she treats her.

I feel stuck because the only chance she get to see DSS is when she comes to us eow.

I know that when I change jobs I need to get a dog sitter.

She is blocked on any social media, and I tend to ignore her texts but I'm really struggling.

DH didn't speak to her for a year pre-me so is keen to maintain some kind of relationship

Why did your DH stop speaking to her?

It sounds like you are very LC with her already being as you have blocked her on SM is that right?

@NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock as LC as you can be when you have to see her twice a month and she texts you multiple times per day.

DH had a falling out with her over her controlling behaviour

Have you not told her to stop with all of her interfering? STOP reading my post, STOP mentioning anything about my finances, and enough with the ex. It's not wrong to stand up for yourself.

Both DH and I have. It stops for literally a week max and then starts again. Every single time I say 'I'm not talking about that' and she continues. Even fil tells her to stop and she continues. I've tried leaving the situation at the time, the whole shebang. Nothing works.

I would block her from my phone and make sure you change the locks when she doesn't have to care for the dogs anymore.

Just don't respond to inappropriate questions. Learn a few vague statements, "oh, I'm not sure", "I'll have a think" "I don't really know"- very vague, distracted responses.

She feeds off what you tell her, so the more avoidant you are the less she gets.

She'll either accept it, or she'll escalate. If she does, then the full scale of her bizarreness will show and make it an easy decision to go nc.

Thinking of some practical solutions to some of the small issues:

Could you put a lockable letter box outside so she no longer has access to your post?

DH limits what she sees on FB

Meet her elsewhere when DSS is round to stop her coming to your house?

*Could you put a lockable letter box outside so she no longer has access to your post?

DH limits what she sees on FB

Meet her elsewhere when DSS is round to stop her coming to your house?*

Already have put a lockable post box out the front - hit and miss if the postie uses it so am going out tomorrow and getting a blanking plate for the letter box so they have no choice.

DH rarely used FB but his ex tags him in anything and everything which is where mil gets her information from sigh

DSS is autistic and struggles with crowds, so soft play/cafes that kind of thing are often not an option ATM.

She'll either accept it, or she'll escalate. If she does, then the full scale of her bizarreness will show and make it an easy decision to go nc.

She is definitely an escalator.

I feel torn because being LC with my Mum is very easy because she's the other side of the country. Mil is practically on our doorstep, and I think dh would struggle with NC.

I think you have to use extreme measures as she is so persistant but definitely stop her doing the dog sitting. Minimise her contact with your life completely. You know her well so you can anticipate her moves. You would be doing her a favour in that it might allow her to get a life of own which is unlikely. She is completely fixated on you and yours at the moment which is bizarre and even her DH isn't getting through to her.
I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to leave paperwork regarding emigrating to Australia around before I got a new dog sitter though!

I think you need to recognise the tensions here. She is nosey. Your DH is LC/NC because she is controlling. Yet you are quite happy for her to come in and look after your dogs. I think you ought to accept that she isn’t going to change her behaviour so if you really want to put a stop to it, you need to make alternative arrangements for your dogs... you can’t have it both ways.

@Giraffey1 I had someone qualified lined up but she bullied my husband into allowing her to 'help' us when I was unwell (had meningitis last year).

@NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock dog sitter is being booked to start next month.

Blanking plate for the post box on order, and I'm going to buy a new lock for the front door too.
It's funny you say about leaving paperwork around about emigrating, because we did discuss that!

LC with own mother. LC with MIL. Do you have any friends?

That’s really nasty @HenriettaH , do you feel better for saying it?

She sounds like very hard work OP but it sounds as tho you’re doing all you can to try and make it a bit more bearable. Sorry I’ve not decent advice.

What does LC mean?

YEahNahYeah - Yes I do actually. I've seen many people who just cannot get along with anybody. I was being serious. It was a genuine question that you interloped.

@HenriettaH interloped? 😂 I’m sorry for daring to speak to you. I don’t know, it just seems unpleasant to me, to ask if someone has any friends based on the fact they’re LC with a couple of people, one of whom clearly shows unreasonable behaviour. on a personal level, and while I appreciate this isn’t about me but adds context and understanding, I don’t speak to my dad, he’s an absolute arsehole, and I’m NC with one set of grandparents as they aren’t thoroughly unpleasant people, but I do have plenty of friends, so it just seemed a nasty question. It didn’t come across to me as kindly meant.

RedRec LC - low contact.

Thank you ShippingNews.

@HenriettaH I have quite a few friends, and I find it easy to make and keep friends.

I'm not insulted you ask, you could be right, it could be me who is awkward or hard work.

However, my Mum is very much like mil. To a degree, worse. I won't go into detail here. I've done so already on a long gone stately home thread.

Honestly, I can see how her behavior is irritating, but it doesn't sound extreme to me.... family are meant to be irritating! There is nothing you have said that suggests to me this woman has ill intent or is doing something that should be psychologically damaging.

Why are her criticisms of the ex your concern? I know it maybe reflects Mil isn't a lovely person, but she's not aggressing you in any way. She may even be doing it on the assumption that it brings her closer to you (praising you by contrast). She sounds like a nosy busybody who is lonely and wants to feel part of things..?

Definitely need containment techniques, but shutting her out completely feels like an over reaction to me. Is it possible that her intrusion is particularly triggering for you?

Is it possible that her intrusion is particularly triggering for you?

Very possible which is why I'm worried I'm overly sensitive.

Criticisms of the ex don't concern me, and I ignore and try and shut it down every time but she has recently tried to imply something is going on between DH and ex just to get attention on the subject.

You are probably right, shutting her out completely would be a knee jerk reaction but I don't know how else to deal with her.

Maybe I should tell DH that he has to make all arrangements from now on.

I think I would just be saying "stop" every time she asks a question she is not suppose to or wants information you don't want to give.

It is short, to the point and cannot be misunderstood.

How would she feel if you went to her house and started sifting through her mail?

If she persists I would tell her that her constant questions about matters you have made clear you will not discuss as they are none of her business will mean you won't want to see her.

Could you chat to the Ex about MIL being a cow and just sending DH photos privately etc?

TBH you have a DH problem... he needs to to be the gate keeper and tell her to back the f*ck off...

@JetPlanesMeeting yes, I think I'll try that.

@RandomMess tbh I don't see why ex should modify her posts, she should be free to post what she wants.

DH does tell her to wind her neck in a lot but she continues.

I start a very full on job soon, and my DS has just moved back in so I might just use them as an excuse to cut contact down.

No Ex shouldn't have to but if every time it does MIL is bad mouthing her, including in front of her son, I think I would suggest it would be better for DS if she clamps down on SM or actually tell DH to block MIL on his SM!!!