Struggling to cope

[PoshBagLady]

I’m feeling very sad and lonely and struggling to cope with being a single parent to my DC who is 7. I’ve been single for over 4 years after leaving DC’s dad who cheated and was quite emotionally abusive.

Life has been tough and lonely; my DM died at the same time I split from my ex, and my dad died several years ago. I live in a ‘nice’ town with good schools and my neighbours are nice, but I frequently feel profoundly lonely and I’m becoming very bitter.

DC sees their father EOW and overnight once a week. I often work from home which helps enormously with school runs etc. But I have no family support nearby so it’s often just me and DC and I find it extremely difficult when I feel surrounded by normal families, doing normal stuff, visiting etc. It compounds my feelings of isolation.

Ex lives about 15 miles away and is pretty reliable but the truth is I’m only here because of the proximity to him as he’s the only real support I have. I keep thinking I should relocate near family. But I worry about the impact on my DC.

DC seems quite happy at school although hasn’t really made friends with anyone special, which is a worry. So I don’t think a move would be a bad thing tbh.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I just feel beaten down and done in. I’m tired of keeping it together when deep down I’m a lonely mess. I just turned 50 recently and feel my life is just a sad failure. Maybe I need to date but I have no inclination to do that- actually the thought terrifies me, and so the lonely feelings remain.

Has anyone felt like this and how did you pull through?

I have felt like this over the years, been a single mum for ten years now and absolutely no family nearby for support. It's tough, sometimes very lonely too.
Have u any close friends at all?
I have literally turned my two best friends into my "surrogate" family. I sometimes do things with their family too.
I used to walk around and feel pangs if sadness seeing families together and it still gets to me at times like Xmas.
I just do my best to stay positive, count my blessings etc. Can u join any clubs on the weekends u don't have DC. Join a gym or group exercise class?
Maybe u could plan a trip away,
This is what I'm planning to do.
I think though if you feel it would be better to move near to family then you should seriously consider it....happy mum = happy DC. It really is paramount to look after your own happiness as it impacts on everything. I would move myself except my close family live other side of world 🙄
Hugs to u x

Thanks bubba . You sound strong and I guess you have to be don’t you. I wish I could change how I feel. And you’re right I could plan trips etc; it’s just that it gets so tiring being strong all the time. I find that small things get blown out of proportion because I sit and ruminate alone when DC is in bed and it’s times like that when I really feel it. And my heart aches for my DC not having dad with us all the time, and not seeming to ‘connect ‘ with anyone in particular at school.

I’m just having a bad week and it’ll pass but I know deep down I’ll keep feeling like this. Might be time for me to up and relocate.

In your position I would relocate. Loneliness is awful. How far away would you go?

I think you could make more of an effort to meet people and explore hobbies that are of interest to you. Personally, I would not move. If your ex is good to your daughter, I wouldn't want to remove her father from her life. It's too important of a relationship.

I know how you feel
But I'm not sure how to change it :-(

I have family about 40 miles from here. Moving back there would have its challenges including making sure my ex sees DC, but it would definitely take the edge off the loneliness. I always feel settled and at peace around them. I resent that because of how ex behaved I am now stuck on my own with little support. He has a partner.

I have made an effort and met a few mums but I find that people are very busy with family life especially at weekends. I’m just feeling low this week; I could feel it build up as the week passed and I’m alone every night. Today a couple of mundane things happened and I’m shocked at how they impacted my mood. Two children from DCs class had a play date today (one child lives across street from us) and DC saw them. I feel sad my DC has never been asked. And then the child next door had a surprise birthday party with all their family. My DC has never had that because there are no grandparents (all dead) or family nearby. I know I sound woe is me, and I’m definitely not always like that. But for some reason it’s been a struggle lately. Maybe I need to see the Dr.

Thanks purple

You are more than entitled to move 40 miles to be closer to family and support. You can try to aid the commute for the kid to see dad (if it makes u feel better) but with that distance it would be up to dad to arrange to see him. You need to do whatever is going to provide a more settled , relaxed and safe place for you amd your child. You can always arrange for time with dad . 40 miles is not that far. What matters most is your mental health and your daily life.

Thank you LoveLiveLearn1 for your support and understanding. I feel like I need ex’s approval or something and I know he’ll make me feel guilty. I now know my boundaries are rubbish and maybe it’s partly to do with how he bullied me when DC was a baby. But I feel my mental health is failing and I am snapping at my child and I feel like an awful parent. DC deserves better than this.

Bottom line is DC continues to see ex if we stay, but the cost will be my mental health.

With that distance itd be easy enough for your DC to see their dad every week. It can only be a positive. Perfect time to move. Less easy once the child is a bit older I think

i would move. did ex think the repercussions on ds when he left? no.
as said above happy mum= happy dc. you sacrificed, stayed there enough, now it is your turn to have a happy life. he can come and see his ds.

I really agree it would be a good idea to move closer to your family. It’d be good for your DC too. It’s sometimes easier to make friends when you already have solid connections in place, like your family close by. But because youve had so many losses lately you’re in a hard place, you need that support.

Hi OP

I am sorry you are feeling so lonely and sad. It is certainly understandable. You have lost a lot in the past four years and looking after a 7 year old does. It satisfy an adult's need to connect to other adults.

I understand you thoughts about moving and see that most of the responses encourage you to move.

What family would be nearer? Do you think you could rely on them for ongoing companionship and support? Or are they busy with their own families and work? I am asking this because of the proverbial "grass is always greener" scenario. Also, it may put a strain on your relationship with your Ex that could increase your stress.

I am not suggesting you live your life to please or placate your Ex. Just to be aware that a continued good and cooperative relationship with him is good for you and your DC.

I wonder if you could try a bit of counseling. Could you be depressed? Can you talk to your GP.

If you have every other weekend and one night away from your DC could you try some adult focused activities? I have a friend who volunteers weekend mornings at a wild animal rescue and loves it. Just one idea. You might meet new friends or even a new romantic interest there.

Good luck with it all.

Thank you all for your support. I’m in tears reading it. It feels like I’ve bottled up all the pain of the last few years and it’s starting to show in other ways. I feel sad, angry, resentful, bitter and I hate feeling like this. I can’t be easy to be around. I’ve lost so much and now it’s just me and DC. I also have legal guardianship for my sister who lives in a care home (lifelong learning disability) and I can’t really do that properly from where I am, physically and now mentally. I’m at breaking point.

I do worry about the grass being greener. But I have immediate family who can provide some support, certainly more than I have here.

I’ve always resisted admitting it could be depression for fear of losing control of me and ultimately DC. But at this rate I’m not being much of a mother tbh.

bluebell no he didn’t. I never confronted him with what I knew about his affair but it’s what gave me the strength to leave. We get along ok now but I feel underlying fury that he got off the hook and I’m now paying the price.

Hi again,

Depression, if you have it, is nothing to be ashamed of, at all. Losing both your parents has a huge impact on a person. It happened to me all at once. Your split up was another loss.

Multiple losses can be part of the cause for depression.

It may be that moving is the right thing to do. Can you find some counseling or life coaching to help you plan and decide the best way to move forward and feel better?

An antidepressant may help too. It helped me get through a very tough time and cope with the stuff I had to cope with.

You just need to take the first step and reach out.

If you want to be happy you need to put yourself first. You have the right to create the kind of life you want! Your ex can only make you feel guilty if you decide to let him. You don’t need his permission to live your life.
If you want to move, do it. Change is as good as a holiday! It really is true.

Please move @PoshBagLady .

Your mental health impacts upon your DD , and actually what we know is that children thrive more when they have more relationships around them.

You need to put your needs first , so that you have enough fuel to look after you & DD .

Start planning, don't procrastinate.

The first thing you need to do is make a GP appt on Monday to talk through your emotional well-being. You have been through a lot of trauma- it's time for some self compassion now.

I will check in on Monday to see if you have rung the Dr !

Definitely look to move...40 miles is nothing. DC will adapt, they just do especially if you're happier.
My DC father lives over 100 miles away and it's really not ideal but he can still make every other weekend.
Family and support is everything when you're a single mum, I would seriously look into it

I’ve woke up today and feel relieved my child is with their dad this weekend because I’m struggling to feel motivated. Tryingtobebetterallthetime I have thought about counselling to untangle my feelings. I guess the cost puts me off but I can get a few free sessions through my work and I’ll look into that. And Ifonlyoureyes I am planning on calling the Dr on Monday- thank you for being so kind

Take some time to nourish yourself this weekend .

Where abouts are you OP?

Ive wondered where abouts the OP is as well...
Counselling and medication can really really help. (Ive had both and theyve helped enormously to get through difficult times).
I can really relate as i have 2 kids a full tume job and no family around (theyre in another country) . Kids dad has them everyother weekend but doesnt contribute towards them in any other way. Op dont lose hope, youre in a bad place now but that wont last forever. Gp can refer u to counselling nearby.

I don’t want to out myself but I’m in Scotland.

😂 bit far to pop in for a coffee then😂😂😂

Look, the first chip that falls when I’m going down is the washing and looking acter myself. So I know when I stop having a shower ‘cause I can’t be bothered’ it’s time to get my arse into gear, cause it doesn’t bode well. I’ve been there before.

I’m also one of those people who isn’t fazed by the need to ask for help. I’ve had counselling through ‘Time to talk’, 12 free sessions. The NHS seem to be doing a bit better in Scotland, I’m sure there’s a similar free service.
And I run and swim through most of my problems. Cause sometimes the problems are so big, the others get a bit overwhelmed.

I’m no counsellor, but I can make a mean cup of coffee and I can listen.
So fire away,I’m listening.

Seaside I can totally identify with the whole looking after myself thing. So it’s a struggle to just shower, cook and clean the house. It just gets me down sometimes and i resent neglecting DC when I’m doing chores while he just sits on his iPad because there’s no one else around. And it’s so quiet. Just having someone around to pick up the slack would help massively. Not necessarily a partner but some family. DC really misses out on that. And I end up compensating by spoiling DC which isn’t great financially.

I find admitting I’m struggling and asking for help so difficult. I grew up putting the needs of my sister first, well my parents did , and it’s what I learned to do, and continue to do so. And it’s probably why I feel guilty about moving DC away from ex-DP.