Struggling to cope

[PoshBagLady]

I’m feeling very sad and lonely and struggling to cope with being a single parent to my DC who is 7. I’ve been single for over 4 years after leaving DC’s dad who cheated and was quite emotionally abusive.

Life has been tough and lonely; my DM died at the same time I split from my ex, and my dad died several years ago. I live in a ‘nice’ town with good schools and my neighbours are nice, but I frequently feel profoundly lonely and I’m becoming very bitter.

DC sees their father EOW and overnight once a week. I often work from home which helps enormously with school runs etc. But I have no family support nearby so it’s often just me and DC and I find it extremely difficult when I feel surrounded by normal families, doing normal stuff, visiting etc. It compounds my feelings of isolation.

Ex lives about 15 miles away and is pretty reliable but the truth is I’m only here because of the proximity to him as he’s the only real support I have. I keep thinking I should relocate near family. But I worry about the impact on my DC.

DC seems quite happy at school although hasn’t really made friends with anyone special, which is a worry. So I don’t think a move would be a bad thing tbh.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I just feel beaten down and done in. I’m tired of keeping it together when deep down I’m a lonely mess. I just turned 50 recently and feel my life is just a sad failure. Maybe I need to date but I have no inclination to do that- actually the thought terrifies me, and so the lonely feelings remain.

Has anyone felt like this and how did you pull through?

From what you are saying, it would be easier for everybody if you moved away, wouldn’t it?
And his dad can still see him, 40 mins drive is not at all bad.

In counselling I realised that the time has come to look after myself. It came as a bit of a shock, tbh, it was a bit like: well, I am functioning, what more is there?
Just being aware, and that in itself is a big step. Because sometimes we just function, just getting through stuff. There’s more to life than that.

I only have 1 child. What helped was making our own traditions. It made it less isolating.
So, friday night is pizza, movies and popcorn, hot chocolate and marshmellows in winter, appletiser in the summer. Don’t ask.
Saturday morning it’s always been swimming, shopping for groceries, lunch at a cafe, library in the afternoon.
Sunday we walked or we went to the beach. DD had this plastic rake, again, don’t ask, she loved that rake. So she used to ‘walk the rake’ and ‘explore’ under leaves and stuff. I always used to ask before leaving home: you got the rake?
One day she snapped: mum, I’m 10, I don’t NEED the rake.
Anyway, we used to walk or go to the beach on Sundays. Plenty of people with dogs. A bit of adult contact.
As she grew a bit older, we had a friend after school every Thursday. And that continues to this day: but it’s Thursday!!!’n Except now she cooks on a Thursday, it’s our ‘socialising evening’.

I have always baked on Sunday evening. And offered a bit to neighbours since we became just me and DD. Soon, they started reciprocating. Now I can’t take the bins out in less than 10 minutes, there’s always someone that goes past and stops for a chat.

I suppose it’s all gradual.
Do you read? I couldn’t concentrate enough to read for years, too much crap going on. But I joined a book club, it’s made me want to read again.

Anyway, I’m blabbering. What are you up to this evening?

Posh you really have had (and continue to) have it tough.

There are not many people who have been though all that you have in life. It is taking its toll on your MH. You are probably going through the peri-menopause which is grim mentally and physically.

You need to do everything you can to make your life easier and it sounds like you know what would help. Move nearer family - even if the surroundings are more familiar and bring you some comfort that would lift your spirits.

Your DC needs a bright, vibrant, optimistic, positive Mum - so do what needs to be done. I also like SeaSidePebbles approach of simple little everyday things to do together.

Maybe get a dog - having to walk out for 15 mins twice a day you meet loads of other dog walkers.

What do you need to research for the move ? Schools ? Do you have to sell and buy property? Move jobs?

Have fun planning a lovely new home surrounded by your family and friends. Don’t bother telling the ex until it’s all sorted. Agree 40 miles is nothing.

I’m just humbled by the kindness of strangers online. It’s a tremendous comfort to talk about this because I keep a lid on it all the time. Life is not happy or fulfilling: I dread weekends and having to always make plans (which often get cancelled late in the day) or risk me and DC being alone. And I feel dreadfully guilty feeling like that, as though DC is not enough. He is, he’s my world but yet I feel horribly lonely.

seaside I like the idea of creating our own traditions and I’ll definitely do that. You sound fabulous and inspirational to your DD💕 Yes I am definitely just functioning, there’s little pleasure really. And as for reading - I used to love reading but as you say, I just can’t concentrate. And without something changing I feel I’ll sunk further.

ClareIsland I guess I have been through a lot but I’ve kind of down played it and kept going and all the while losing me in the process. I am mentally exhausted and as for peri menopause!! It’s awful.

I’ve travelled quite a bit in my life and haven’t lived in home town for a long time so I’m a bit nervous about that. But my issues are beginning to impact the mother I am to DC and I need to get serious about doing something. I feel no enthusiasm to make any changes in my house though it really needs doing up; but I feel happier when I think of being closer to family and them popping by etc. So simple yet it’d mean so much.

Thanks for responding it really means a lot to me. I’m going to have a glass of wine and try and switch off.

I totally understand where you're at regarding loneliness, I've been a single parent the whole of my 6 year olds life and I have many dark moments. I relocated hundreds of miles away from where I used to live and have managed to build a new life with new and great friends but that loneliness runs deep and still catches up with me. I think my coping mechanism is staying busy, I work FT and have tried to progress the career as much as is possible in my circumstances. Support network is crucial to keeping you balanced and level, 40 miles is doable in terms of your ex and access to your child so please consider it :) Remind yourself that you're doing an amazing job, please be kind to yourself. I don't know any other single parents but read posts like yours and feel a kinship x

Lolo that really is tough. I admire your strength relocating and being on your own with your DC. It is so good to know we are not alone. I know very few - one in fact- single parent and she lives the other side of the city from me. No one in my child’s class is a single parent and so I feel like I kind of stand out iykwim? And the loneliness, such a good description ‘it runs deep ‘. Yes it does and unless you’ve experienced that you have no idea what it’s like. Which again I feel sets me apart. Our children are close in age too. You don’t happen to live in Scotland do you?!😊

I found mindfulness a good way to reconnect with myself. DD rolls her eyes every time she spots me meditating 😂, but something must have worked, because the other day she was ‘observing her anger’ 😂😂😂.

We are social animals, we need our tribe. Moral and social compasses became obsolete if they’re not used in relation with others.

And there is another thing. There is only that much that we can take before we begin to bow and get snowed under. It’s like drawning, the more you fight, the quicker you get tired and out of breath. Sometimes you just need to lie on your back and go with the current till you see which way it is going and then start swimming sideways out of it.

As I said before, I thought functioning is enough. Just battling bills and childcare and shopping lists and mealtimes and tiredness. It all came to a halt when my brain was so hyper I stopped sleeping. And then the fun began 😂.

I would have helped a friend if I saw the same pattern in her. But I didn’t help myself, because I was so bloody tired and put myself last at all times. In fact, I don’t think I paid much attention to myself at all.

Putting yourself last is what was expected of you as a young child due to your sister - but that is not appropriate or even beneficial now that you are a mother, especially a single mother.

Another single parent here. I have experienced that deep loneliness in past. Brought up second child completely by myself, no parents here (one lives abroad). For me coping was being active, you have to plan and do stuff - so similar to Seasidepebble, I found your posts inspirational!

We'd have a routine of going for walks in the park, followed by lunch in cafe. Swimming on a Sunday morning or cinema followed by more walking in afternoon, going shopping, baking cakes etc.

We also started going for weekends away to the seaside, Lakes, Wales etc and this became so important to me, it changed my outlook and eventually those deep feelings of loneliness started to disappear. I think finding inner peace and contentedness is a personal journey, it won't happen over night but being pro-active is important to start making changes.

I too think you should go to live near your family. It's important your little one see you being positive and ultimately happy. There is no need to tell his father until its all arranged. Reach out for support from GP and counselling as these will help you take the steps you need to make a better life for yourself and son.

I thought I would give an update and say a heartfelt thanks to all you lovely Mumsnetters for the support you gave me over a very emotionally difficult few days.

I began to feel a bit better on Monday morning (although I almost felt a kind of dread at the prospect of going to work which is not like me at all) when I realised I had my first period for 9 months...it came out of the blue as I thought I’d had my last. And it explains the extreme emotions I was feeling- I was shocked at how emotionally debilitated I was.

I went to see my Dr Monday afternoon and promptly burst out crying when I explained my situation. So although the period explains the depth of my feelings, the cause of them is still there. The upshot is that she has suggested I considered counselling rather than ADs for the time being. I’m happy with that and honestly the thought of spending time talking to someone completely impartial to unravel my thoughts feels like the absolute right thing for me to do.

So thank you all for sharing your experiences and support. You all pulled me out of a terrible hole

That’s really good news Posh. Menopause is hellish for MH - but maybe it is a necessary shake up to force us to deal with any issues that we have been carrying for a long time so that the next chapter of our lives are lighter.

Thanks ClareIsland it’s awful isn’t it! But it did focus my mind and I’ll be making an app with counselling shortly.