Is seeing a new BF twice a week enough to develop the relationship?

[LeilaLou]

Hi all, I have been dating a lovely new man for 8 months. Things going great, we are smitten with each other and both see long term potential in the relationship.

He has 2 DC (8 and 12 yo) 50% of the time, and has been separated from DC's mother for 18 months. The plan is to file for divorce on the 2 years mark. Amicable and mutual split. I have no DC, but I lead a busy life with lots of friends and hobbies. I have not met his DC yet, we are both very cautious about involving children in a new relationship.

In the last few months NM and I have fallen into a routine of spending two nights a week together (dinner and sleepover), plus the occasional full day on Saturday or Sunday when he doesn't have his DC. Each week he gets 3 or 4 childfree nights, two of which he spends with me and the other 1/2 either resting or socializing.

I am now starting to wish we could spend more time together, but he obviously has his DC 50% of the time and rightfully wants to cultivate friendships and hobbies as well. This means that seeing each other more often is not going to be an option until we decide to take things further and introduce me to the DC (not in the near future).

I am a bit worried that seeing each other only twice a week is not going to allow the relationship grow further. In past relationships I would see a new BF maybe 3/4 times a week at this stage, including frequently spending weekends together.

However I have never dated a parent and I understand it is a totally different situation, so I am open to being told that I am being unreasonable

Do you think a relationship can grow and develop with kind of arrangement?

Thanks!

That seems like loads to me! But we're all different.

What does new man think?

He says if he could he would see me every single say, but obviously DC need to come first (totally agree) and he needs to ensure he doesn't totally "lose himself" in the relationship as he did in his failed marriage. He wants to be with me but also make sure he maintains a strong sense of identity, hence the desire not to spend every childfree night with me.

Which is fair enough, I totally get it.

Bump!

I think your relationship can grow but it will require patience from you as he’s not willing to introduce you to his children just yet which is understandable. Until you’re at that point you’ll probably need to fill your spare time with lots of hobbies, nights out or lunches out with friends which isn’t a bad thing as then you’re not putting all your eggs in one basket and are making a life for yourself too.

If ultimately you find that you’d like more time with him and he’s still unable to do so then you’re not really compatible on that front and you’d have to decide whether or not it was a deal breaker.

Twice a week isn't little. It is roughly all me and DP manage and we've been together just over a year. We both have other commitments and busy lives. Plus, we like to chill out with our own company in our own houses too. We would like to see more of each other but it's not practicable right now.

Plus, there is only so much leg shaving I can do each week!

In a nutshell, it sounds perfectly fine to me.

OP I was in this exact same situation. We lasted a year before it ended. I was not ready to meet his kids and he never suggested it so that was fine (although we had talked about meeting them in the future). I’m glad now that didn’t happen.
With my ex he treated me badly at the end and i had no idea why. He suddenly started saying he needed to focus on his kids and couldn’t be in a relationship as well. Turned out he’d met someone else, a single mum with children the same ages as his. On reflection they are probably much better suited. I didn’t find it easy dating a man with kids but I accepted I’d never come first. It’s totally different from dating someone without children or with older kids. I’m not sure I’d venture down that road again. I found it difficult. For example I like to be spontaneous and that wasn’t possible for him. Everything was on his terms.
I guess my advice is don’t rush him. I understand your frustration but it goes with the territory I’m afraid when dating a caring and involved dad

That's about as much as I'd ever want to spend with a boyfriend sounds fine to me. You see each other enough to keep interested in each other's lives but not too much.

Seems fine to me but we are all different so I suppose it depends on you and how you fill your time in between meet ups. My single mum friend has said the same as you, that it’s hard to progress relationships as she wants to see partners more than once or twice a week but can’t because of her children or their children but she only works part time and has no hobbies so I think she has a lot of free time which is spent wishing she was out with whoever she’s dating.

I think once you are introduced to his children you’ll naturally spend more time together but it’s whether or not you can wait for that. I think it’s all part of the reality of dating someone with kids. Hope it works out for you

I think having 2 nights a week completely focused on your partner is pretty good going when you have dc. It means he’s spending at least half of his free time with you. My dh and I have been happily married 10 years and we don’t get 2 nights a week to spend together. If you were 25 and childfree it would be different, but given the circumstances, I think it sounds very reasonable.

Twice a week is lots. Do you have hobbies and friends?

Sounds like plenty. But where do you see this relationship going? As time goes on you will naturally get more frustrated. His DC come first so his time will always be prioritised around them. What do you actually want? There are plenty of men without DC, if you want to be someone's priority.

Twice a week is quite good, I have been seeing my boyfriend six months and it varies, some weeks we see each other most days (we work v near each other so meet for lunch), then other times I don’t get to see him for a whole week.

As much as I enjoy the time we do spend together it isn’t actually enough for me/us, having a weekend away and so a full two and a half days together really highlighted that as well.

So in a few weeks he’ll be meeting my son to see how it goes, as after all if that doesn’t work then the relationship can’t work longterm.

@category12 it says in the second paragraph she has hobbies and friends...

At 8 months I'd be expecting the relationship to begin kicking up a gear and I'd be a bit concerned if the only plan for the foreseeable future was just 2 days a week.

Perhaps it might help if you sat down and agreed future timescales for being introduced to children, what time you'd like to consider moving in together etc. Obviously it's too soon for that yet, but if you have concerns it's good to talk about them.

Indeed it does, my bad.

I would be wary of a man who had two children, had only split with his wife 18 months ago and actually wanted to be 'serious' with someone new .... sounds much too early. Just keep it casual, he's not even divorced yet .

@Ragwort 18 months is a hell of a long time! If it was 18 weeks you'd have a point, but an entire year and a half??

Yes, I do think it's a relatively short time when you have two youngish children to be thinking of getting serious, I have been following the other thread about moving in with partners who have children and the ages that the OP's boyfriend's children are are really crucial times to not be thinking about getting too serious.

But that's just my opinion, we can all have different views .

2 days a week is good enough but you've got to project in your mind what it could be in 2 / 5 years.
I've been in relationship for 3 years and my boyfriend doesn't want to move nearer me due to his kids and I can't move either due to my kids and we could be looking at 8+ years until they are 18 to make a move.

I’m just curious why his waiting for 2 years to divorce ?

It's much harder if he has children as obviously you're sharing his time, and he still needs time for himself, but I think twice a week is okay. I assume you keep in touch in between those times, too?

That's pretty much how much I saw my partner at first, but then I met his son a few months into the relationship which made it a lot easier to see him a little more, as we started going out for meals as a 3 instead of just as a 2, which was nice.

We now live together, so it worked out :).

There's no right or wrong amount to see each other, it's just whatever feels right to you.

Sunshine of course we keep in touch everyday through texting and phone!

CTRL they are waiting to file a no fault divorce, which you can do after 2 years of separation.

I had two years of a long distance relationship at the start, where we saw each other way less than twice a week.
We’ve been happily together 17 years now.

I think it sounds very healthy

Fair enough @Ragwort :) but I still don't think a man wanting a serious relationship 18 months after the previous one broke down is particularly suspicious. I'd say that's more than enough time for the vast majority of people to get themselves back on an even keel after a breakup, even more so given that it's an amicable one according to the OP.

Everyone is different
I d want to me seeing my dp more than twice week way before 18 months.

Time to sit down and talk it through.

I also waited 2 years no could have a no blame divorce- even though he wanted the split and was with someone else the day after.