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Original poster

AIBU - DP before and during labour

32 replies

Mummyto12019 · 05/09/2019 21:31

Leading up to our DDs birth DP had been anything other than supportive, he constantly left the flat in a state and I was always cleaning while he didn’t lift a finger. On one occasion he even moaned that I asked him to simply go around the corner shop to get some bread for breakfast and it was pouring with rain (I ended up going out to get it and this was on my due date) anyway he was just very little help but I plodded on.

On the night I went into labour I got up at about 1am to find him still up playing on the Xbox, I told him I was in labour. He called the maternity ward and I thought great.. next thing I knew he told me he was going to bed to get some sleep. Come 6am I was in agony, obviously, and pissed off he was in bed.. so told him to get up as I thought we should head to the hospital! It was at this point that he started packing his bag (I was a week overdue and had been telling him for weeks to pack a bag as I had done DDs and mine and wasn’t about to do his). So needless to say this frustrated me further. Got to hospital and although my contractions were close together I was only 3cm so off we went back home, but with no help from DP he pretty much walked off and was no help. Didn’t let me lean on him nothing. So back home, I got into bed thinking he’d be there to support me but instead he went into the living room to watch prison break.. yes prison break. Fast forward an hour and we were back in hospital and I was 6cm I asked DP to use the massager on my lower back instead he thought looking at his phone was more important, then he turned off the playlist I had because ‘no one was listening to it’ and in general just wasn’t any support whatsoever. Anyway because of all of this I feel it is now affecting our relationship, I just now see him as being a selfish prick and like I can’t trust him to be there for me. Doesn’t help that he hasn’t been a handson Dad either. Am I unreasonable for feeling this way? Was his behaviour during labour pretty standard for men

OP posts:
PennyPittstop · 05/09/2019 21:37

It always amazes me how men can make us giving birth all about them. With my first I had a back to back very rapid delivery with no pain relief. My DH was more concerned about the amount of swear words I was daring to utter publicly due to the pain than the fact that I felt like my insides were being ripped out.
I honestly think that until men go through labour themselves, they will never fully understand how we would really appreciate a bit more support from them.

xtinak · 05/09/2019 21:43

That's a horrendous story. His behaviour was not standard for men in the slightest. It was appalling by any standard there is. You don't have to stay with this person if you don't want to.

EKGEMS · 05/09/2019 21:43

Yeah that's standard behavior in labor! If that was standard behavior in labor the human race would die off because the rest of the females of the population have self respect and standards and wouldn't give your partner the time of day much less have sex with him the way he treats you! Get out! He's an asshole

ISmellBabies · 05/09/2019 21:53

That's not normal at all, what a useless, selfish cock.
pennypittstop your h was a complete arsehole too, what the fuck is wrong with him! At one point in my labour I screamed 'CUNT, CUUuuuuuuuuNT' nobody batted an eyelid, it's labour ffs. Tbf I'd be pretty pissed off with dh, or anyone, trying to tell me off about swearing in any situation, I'm a grown-up, fuck off, but in labour? Unfuckingbelievable.

SignedUpJust4This · 05/09/2019 21:56

This is so sad OP. He wasn't there when you needed him. He ruined your memories of that special (and difficult) time. He's not a good partner or dad.

Imtrying2 · 05/09/2019 22:04

I’d have kicked him out and rang my mum if it was me. What an arsehole. Bin him off, he’s just shown himself what a shit dad he’ll shape up to be. Sorry Flowers

LemonAddict · 05/09/2019 22:09

No that’s not standard behaviour. Luckily for you, now you know what a useless fuckwit he is, you won’t be having anymore children with him, will you?

Witsendagain · 05/09/2019 22:14

My dh started complaining to the Dr from my emergency crash team about his own back pain! He thought I could spare him one Dr as I had so many! 🙄

(In all honesty he was awesome and very supportive! And we joke about it now! I think he just panicked!)

Your "D"P sounds like a dick. It would be game over for me!

Bubbletrouble43 · 05/09/2019 22:20

Yanbu op, to have expected more. And lol at the pp whose dp dared to disapprove of her swearing in labour...Even my ex, father of dd1, who is a bit of a twat ( hence ex) took it well when I swore like a trooper and chucked the back massager thing at his head. Not unreasonable to expect to be supported at this time.

TooTrueToBeGood · 05/09/2019 22:22

Why is it whenever a woman finally wakes up to the realisation that she has partnered with a waste of oxygen her first instict is invariably to validate him being a cunt and her making stupid choices by looking for validation that all men are shit? Wake the fuck up op. He didn't become a selfish, immature fuckwad overnight. He was always thus. Time to stop deluding yourself and get shot of the pointless fucker.

category12 · 05/09/2019 22:25

What's he like normally? What's he like when you're upset? When you're ill?

gorrisandhorace · 05/09/2019 22:28

unforgivable

timshelthechoice · 05/09/2019 22:29

What TooTrue said!

Ikeameatballs · 05/09/2019 22:29

You see him as a selfish prick because he is one.
He won’t get better.
LTB.

PennyPittstop · 05/09/2019 22:32

@ISmellBabies unfortunately that was only the some of his twattish behaviour that day. I was quite traumatised by what wasn't a nice delivery. He was more interested in posting photos on social media of him holding our newborn son with the MW in the background clearly stitching up my many tears. You can see my legs in stirrups etc. I have never forgiven the bastard for that and still resent him for it almost 10 years later. The one thing I can say in his favour though is that he does make a real effort to be a hands on dad despite being a complete twat a lot of the time.

Original poster
Mummyto12019 · 05/09/2019 22:34

@TooTrueToBeGood no you are right he has always been selfish, but then he has moments where he can be so selfless but now when I look at those moments they have always been times that suit and benefit him.

But I really did expect him to not be selfish in that moment, especially as my mum who was meant to be my other birthing partner wasn’t there as she was undergoing surgery after discovering she had breast cancer a month and a half prior.. as in she had the surgery the day I gave birth. Honestly I think I would have left him after the bread situation but with all that was going on and my emotions I didn’t know if I was overreacting. So instead I just got on with it.. obviously said he was out of order but just kept going. Made excuses for him, it’s his first baby, he hasn’t been around babies before etc but at not one point have I thought actually it isn’t fair on me all I needed was support it isn’t hard to give at all.

And nope no more kids with dp.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyto12019 · 05/09/2019 22:36

@PennyPittstop, posting on social media Shock how have you stayed with him after this?

OP posts:
KOKOtiltomorrow · 05/09/2019 22:38

@Mummyto12019..:to be honest, I haven’t RTFT because despite my relationship woes, the shit that younger women are prepared to put up with saddens me. I don’t blame young women (or men) where any more time than 5 seconds has to be filled with something. This guy is tool and you are setting your self up for a life of misery....but sadly I don’t think you will pay any attention to This Sad

tiredybear · 05/09/2019 22:44

No, this is NOT standard behaviour. You deserve better. kick him out and stop wasting energy on him.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 06/09/2019 04:32

This is not normal. And I'm slightly worried that by you focusing on his behaviour around your labour he's getting away with being a shit dad.

Skittlenommer · 06/09/2019 04:56

If only you had a choice in choosing the father of your child! Hmm

TheForgetfulDengineer · 06/09/2019 05:12

No not standard, but very similar to my exH's (note the ex).

He went back to bed, asked me to stop making so much noise while I tried to run myself a bath. To be fair, he stepped up during the actual delivery but his behaviour in the run up to Labour and afterwards was also pretty shocking.

I also had to go shopping alone when I should ha e been at home, because he wasn't interested in how I was, he did nothing to get ready for the baby (wouldnt even help me build nursery furniture) he went to work as soon as we got back from the hospital, was annoyed with me when I got worried about her breathing and wanted to go back to hospital (turned out it was nothing). I could go on. He also turned out to be a crappy hands off dad when she was small. He wouldn't even get up with her and let me have a lie in on my birthday.

Even when he knew the marriage was in trouble and tried to make up for it all, I just couldn't let go of my resentment. He wanted a second baby and I refused to go through that again as I just didn't trust him.

The marriage ended because he was a massive selfish twat. Splitting up however seemed to wake him up to his responsibilities and he now has a great relationship with DD and is very hands on and involved.

He would never have changed as long as he knew I was there to do his share of the work.

blackcat86 · 06/09/2019 05:25

I ended up having a planned c section due to health concerns about me and DD at the end of my pregnancy. Similar to some of the stories DH had always had a selfish and entitled streak but I'd written it off thinking surely when I'm pregnant things will change. Nope! Appointments were spent with him huffing about parking, wait times and the heat in the waiting rooms (because clearly that would be so much worse for him than a heavily pregnant woman). He just constantly wanted to go outside to vape and was very unsupportive. After birth DD was rushed to special care. I stayed in hospital with her for 9 days, eventually moving in to the unit. I was up trying to bf, doing all the wakes around the clock which is on a 2hr 45min schedule in the unit. DH would come and flop on my bed moaning about tired he was from sorting out the cat and driving an hour to get there! Unfortunately PIL were reinforcing his terrible behaviour and he continued to be totally unsupportive and a Facebook Disney dad when we got home. I had a breakdown with PND and PNA, and started hallucinating from lack of sleep. He still has never got up to her at night but I found having my own counselling and couples counselling helpful. Its astounding but until DH was presented with this and held accountable he didnt really see what he was doing as wrong. I'm actually looking at a private midwife or doula should we ever have DC2 because whilst he says he has seen the light I just couldn't go through that again.

Lentilbug · 06/09/2019 05:52

OP I'm adding my vote to PPs' :"assessments. He is an asshole and his behaviour is NOT normal. I don't know any man with children who would act like that

nosalad · 06/09/2019 06:04

Hopefully you're not going to continue this relationship. He's not going to change.

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