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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please

34 replies

Rosiebrown1 · 05/09/2019 20:24

Hi Ladies, I recently started a new relationship. He was full on from the word go and very attractive.

He kept visiting me and texting how much he was falling for me and told me how lucky he was to have met me.

He asked me to factor him into my life and said he had completely fallen for me.

I didn’t reciprocate but found him massively attractive and started falling for him in a big way. He talked constantly about our life together.

Then.. he asked me to purchase something on EBay for him as he ‘didn’t have an account.’

It wasn’t thousands of pounds and, although I felt he understood I am a single mum, I trusted him.

He then withdrew from the relationship very quickly, stating that he had to move hundreds of miles away to care for a family member.

Unfortunately, he left his location on on his apps and has never left his original area. He still messaged me telling me things had got ‘even worse’ and that he missed me.

I asked him to transfer the money to my account a week ago but he hasn’t done it.

He has, in my opinion, stolen food off our table essentially.

Why would someone behave in this way? Why would someone who is seemingly so into me ‘switch off’ and ghost me for apparently money issues?

I have tried to convey understanding but he has lied about not being at home.

He owes me money and doesn’t give a damn about my circumstances with me being alone with a little one and struggling financially.

OP posts:
Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 05/09/2019 20:29

He's a con man. Plain and simple.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2019 20:34

Oh dear. He's a love bombing con artist, love. Nothing less than a criminal. Unfortunately, you fell for all of his bullshit hook, line and sinker. Make sure you block him completely, and just accept the fact that you will never get that money back. Hopefully, you have learned something from all this.

Original poster
Rosiebrown1 · 05/09/2019 20:43

Thank you for replies.. i think I know, deep down, that he has conned me but it was a reasonably low amount of money in terms of what we read about.. ie thousands of pounds.. I have his address. Would you get someone to knock on the door and ask for the money back

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/09/2019 20:47

Does he have whatever you bought?

Original poster
Rosiebrown1 · 05/09/2019 20:55

Yes, it was a high end bike. I even collected from the seller and transported it home for him. I have text messages to prove he asked me to buy it and more messages saying he would pay me... what a bastard

OP posts:
crystalize · 05/09/2019 22:45

Do you have anyone who could go to his place with you and get the bike? I'd be waiting til he came out with it... what a bastard.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 05/09/2019 22:49

Yes I would get someone to go round and get the money or the bike. Dont warn him as he is obviously a coward and might do a runner.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2019 23:59

Op, I seriously doubt you will ever get your money from this man. Even if someone you know approaches him, what do you think this person can even accomplish? If he won't pay, that's the end of it.

Unless you want to pursue this in court, I highly recommend you let it go. You KNOW he is an unscrupulous bastard. He took advantage of your good nature which was his intent all along. The best thing you can do for yourself is to never have any interaction with him ever again. Chalk this up to a lesson very hard learned.

Original poster
Rosiebrown1 · 06/09/2019 20:56

Thanks aquamarine.. and of course the others here.. really appreciate your input..
He suggests on his Instagram page he is the ‘font of all knowledge’ and supports a ‘kind to others’ lifestyle... what on Earth is wrong with people...?

OP posts:
chipsandgin · 06/09/2019 21:01

Small claims court would cost £25 or so which he would have to pay once they decide in your favour - which they would I would hope as you have written proof. If you know where he’s living it’s worth doing (or tell him that’s your intention & he might pay up to avoid the additional cost). If he didn’t pay he’d get a CCJ which would fuck up his credit,

www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money/court-fees

crystalize · 07/09/2019 10:23

Yes small claims! Why should you just let it go? Why not teach the prick a lesson? For £25 court fee it is definitely worth it.

Original poster
Rosiebrown1 · 07/09/2019 10:48

Thank Crystalize and other members... yes.. I was in the depths of self pity before mumsnet members advised... I am just angry now (& hurt tbh)... he must be an absolute arsehole to behave like this.. can’t imagine it’s the first time he has done it either...clearly he swapped me for someone else who had money. shallow prick.
Small claims is seemingly the best way xx

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 07/09/2019 11:02

I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP. Like PP's have said, he's a conman and it's very painful to come to terms with the fact that there are people out there who will happily take advantage of your kindness.

It's normal in these situations to beat yourself up for falling for it. Please know that that you are by no means alone. This happened to me with an ex partner and he stole £3k from me. I lent him money and got him to sign a contract with clear monthly repayments etc. He never paid back a penny which is why I ended the relationship and he disappeared. Even though I brought a small claims against him (that cost me £180) and won, I have to now pay another £180 to enforce it which means trying to find where he lives and it's unlikely he has the means to pay anyway.

Here's a link to the small claims website which shows how much the court fee will be depending on how much he owes. Even if you win though, enforcing the judgement will cost more money but it might be enough to make him pay if he cares about his credit (mine didn't as he regularly conned people).

www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money

I try to see it at a very expensive lesson that I will never repeat again, however I am very distrustful of everyone now unfortunately.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 07/09/2019 11:04

Oh and read up on narcissists and their tactics so you can learn to spot them quickly. He sounds like a classic (mine certainly was one).

Original poster
Rosiebrown1 · 07/09/2019 14:54

THanks so much jaffacakesaremyfave.. hugely appreciate your support and I am So sorry our were a victim too. To think that these lousy pigs prey on generally kind individuals is beyond my level of thinking. They should wear a warning sign x

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 07/09/2019 15:46

I think they rely on the fact that good people dont expect (or can even imagine) that there are people out there who can treat others like this, especially those they profess to love. I have spent most of my life thinking that by somehow not giving people the benefit of the doubt I was being judgemental. The truth is that trust has to be earned and you have to be careful about who you let into your life, which is a sad reality. Most people are genuine but it's not worth getting screwed over by these predators.

They dont come with signs on their head but there are very clear tactics they all use at the start of the relationship which makes them easier to spot.

This guy was lovebombing you and fast forwarding intimacy and commitment when he had no real intention of honouring anything he said. The good thing is that you can learn these tactics (lots of good videos on youtube) so you don't get sucked in again. Ask yourself what made you vulnerable to believing his bullshit and try to heal whatever that is because these types always target people who are vulnerable in some way (e.g lonliness, traumatic life event, codependency etc.)

Bjhsum · 07/09/2019 15:49

I wish I could help more and would willing do but he sounds like a horrible pig who seeks a lot of attention and assurance in killing people in and conning them.

tallglassof · 07/09/2019 15:56

That's really sad. It's such a red flag, I would not buy or carry stuff for others you know you could be used to smuggle drugs, launder money anything. Never do this again for someone so random! Hope you get your money back.. although if he is dangerous you may want to chalk it up as experience and work on your self esteem and boundaries. I'd avoid relations for now as you sound so vulnerable.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 07/09/2019 16:18

Are you still in contact with him? Is he still pretending to be away?

RosieCockle · 07/09/2019 16:33

Go on Judge Rinder!
That's only a half joke btw.

Original poster
Rosiebrown1 · 07/09/2019 16:53

Yes he’s still pretending to be away in London looking after his mother. He told me he had left his life in Bath...his job, home and didn’t even know when he would ever see his sons again!? He said, all I can tell you is that one day I will be in touch. I miss you.’

Only problem is that he left his location switched on on his Instagram... posting away...location Bath every time!

I called him to ask for the money but no answer. Only another email saying he couldn’t pick up as his mother was so ill and he was still in London. I mean....seriously!?

This morning he has posted again from Bath with a picture of his son on his new scooter. It begs belief.

Wish I could name and shame but need to be careful.

OP posts:
crystalize · 08/09/2019 07:19

So tell him - you're a lying twat, Ive seen your instagram updates. I want my money back or I will be taking you to court. Name and shame him. Why not? If there is a way without any danger, you really shouldn't let these fuckers get away with it. Even if it does end up costing you money, its worth it to make him suffer.

Queenoftheashes · 08/09/2019 07:28

Yes do this ^
What a fucking prick.

Original poster
Rosiebrown1 · 08/09/2019 07:58

I’m going to email him asking him how it’s going in London... fake a bit of empathy regarding his mother’s terrible demise from dementia (he knew from the start of our relationship that my mother is in the later stages of dementia and then suddenly, when he disgarded me and owed me money, HIS mother had dementia and he needed to disappear to London to look after her.....funny that...what a coincidence).

Hopefully then I will get some response and hear that things are still ‘grim.’ Etc etc...

I will then go for the killer response that I know he’s lying..

That’s my plan lovely ladies and I will keep you updated xx

OP posts:
Sue2019 · 08/09/2019 08:39

If you have his address, why confront him over email? Take someone with you and catch him off guard!