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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have begun to dislike OH’s daughter 😱

39 replies

Choclover27 · 05/09/2019 20:12

I’ve only been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and we are both 50 . Back story is I have three older kids who live with me and we all get on great and they even like each other a lot. ( think the Waltons minus the husband ). My boyfriend had two older kids, from two mothers, and neither live with him.
I do a bit of tough love with mine every now and then, I have spent a lot of effort in guiding them to have respect for others ..... see where this is leading ????
So his son is fine. I like him. He’s 27.
But his daughter is sooooo flaky with her dad that it’s starting to make me not like her. Many examples of this but most recent was that she didn’t turn up to HER OWN FAMILY 18th birthday gathering on Sunday just gone. Gave a shed load of excuses. He was understandably angry and when I agreed with him and said how she had no respect for him etc, he was then angry with me and started defending her. So we agreed a truce and to not talk about her. But I’m pissed off. I bought her a present and balloons which she opened yesterday ( three days later). And he sent me a photo of her eating her , probably stale, birthday cake And said says thanks for the present. No text direct from her. She’s 18 ffs.
Realistically I’m not sure if I’m just as annoyed with him for enabling her to behave like this and to walk all over him. He’s just invited me to
another family gathering in a couple of weeks time and I feel like I don’t want to go. It will be touch and go to the last second of wether she’s coming or not. He will be seething. And I will feel awkward.
Advice needed please

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 05/09/2019 20:18

What outcome are you expecting from being critical about her to him?

booboo24 · 05/09/2019 20:20

I completely understand your frustration, and she sounds very spoilt, however, him defending her is natural, I can moan about my children and fiance, and even my ex husband, but I instantly bristle if anyone else says anything!!!! I don't think this is anymore than that. 18 year olds are usually selfish, it seems to go with the territory!! If I were you I would just try and support him without getting too involved in the nitty gritty.

ukgift2016 · 05/09/2019 20:22

You don't have to like her but you can be civil. She has not done anything malicious to you.

Grow up love.

Original poster
Choclover27 · 05/09/2019 20:25

Always been civil. Just agreed with him.

OP posts:
Croquembou · 05/09/2019 20:30

Maybe she didn't feel like spending her birthday with the Walton's... had anyone actually checked this was something she wanted?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/09/2019 20:31

Disengage! He will always defend her. You don’t have to like her, pull back from any events that she’ll be at. Make your excuses. Don’t feel you have to give presents that aren’t appreciated. be civil when you see her. She isn’t your problem. She may be his, or maybe hes fine with their relationship. Either way- their relationship is not your problem or hobby to fix.

Original poster
Choclover27 · 05/09/2019 20:37

It wasn’t my family doing a party for her.
It was his family. Grandparents aunts uncles. Even her brother had come back from Wales especially! And up until an hour before he didn’t know if she was coming or not. Turned out it was the NOT.

OP posts:
Croquembou · 05/09/2019 20:42

Sorry, my mistake on the first part. But again, had anyone actually asked her if she wanted this big family thing? I ask because my SILs are very flaky with their dad - he was an inconsistent presence in their lives and will just randomly decide to celebrate an event without ever asking them if they want that or even if the day is convenient.

Who knows what went on in the 17 years before you met your OH. Maybe she just...doesn't care.

Nanna50 · 05/09/2019 20:56

Ah we all know we can criticise our own but no one else can, it’s the rules.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 05/09/2019 21:04

I mean, you’ve been around a year, you can barely know her surely? It’s a bit rude to not show to a family event but firstly, you don’t know the whole backstory and secondly, that’s not really your concern. You’ve been nice, you’ve been pleasant, leave it go.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2019 21:15

So he had two children by two mum's, two broken marriages/partnerships and is now on to you.

How long ago did he break up with her mum/,split their family?

Can't be easy for her being a teenager and having a half brother & his mum on the scene, her mum (how acrimonious was the split?) and now you .. maybe she's not all that impressed with him and family in general. Maybe she's going through a "fuck it all", escapist phase and just wants to run with her mates .... Who could blame her. Most teenagers are like that let alone having dad and his triumvirate of relationships (to date) in the foreground.

Did you say you've only been involved with him for s year? You don't really know him all that well, and people probably (definitely) don't want to bitch about him to
you.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2019 21:19

Teenagers can be flaky for sure but that level.of flakiness tends to have a backstory.

You may think your family is the waltons minus the dad; his most certainly isn't to date - until they make a new version where daddy Walton has two ex wives and a new partnerHmm.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2019 21:27

Might I suggest you concentrate your energy on thoroughly getting to know him and the circumstances behind his previous relationship/family breakdowns (and perhaps his parenting) rather than focusing on getting offended by the behaviour of a girl who's barely an adult and whose family/home broke up during her formative years.

EKGEMS · 05/09/2019 21:38

I do not k man ow what parallel universe some of you live in but most NORMAL people would be hurt and offended if they travelled to a special birthday party and the guest of honor couldn't be bothered to show up!!!! And to the previous poster who thinks you haven't known the spoilt princess long enough to judge is ludicrous I don't know you and I already think you take the cake

Needsomebottle · 05/09/2019 21:43

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here. I do agree with pp's about the criticism, I think agreeing with him was fine, but saying you felt she had no respect for him is probably what pushed him to defend her. There's a fine line there and I think you probably crept over it. From his point of view he's probably gone on in his head to see that as a criticism of his relationship with her and felt a bit like you were saying your kids wouldn't do it as they're raised better. Whilst I'm sure that wasn't your intention people read all sorts of inferences into comments.

I think not showing for her own family party in her honour is damn rude. At 18. I know shes still young but unless theres more to it and she's going wildly off the rails and has major issues with that side of the family I agree that's just bad manners.

And my 16 year old niece (through marriage) manages to text me and say thank you for a gift. Again, don't think that is much of a stretch either. Hell, from when I was a kid I used to sit and write thank you letters to people who bought me christmas gifts and knew it was the right thing. I don't think a thank you text is much to ask for.

But I do wonder if she has a rather difficult relationship with her dad and finds it hard to therefore embrace you. If so, she probably feels quite conflicted and is still quite emotionally immature at 18. It's a difficult one. Maybe give her space and let her come to you. Give the olive branch, drop a text saying "your dad said you liked your gift, I'm so pleased, hope it comes in useful" etc. She is only young and perhaps needs you to leas the way in your interactions.

SuzieQ10 · 05/09/2019 21:44

d when I agreed with him and said how she had no respect for him etc,

You shouldn't have got involved it wasn't your place to say this to her. You should have left it to her father.

She's 18, at that age it's not uncommon to be self absorbed and flakey. It isn't an easy family situation either, is it.

Original poster
Choclover27 · 05/09/2019 22:22

Think I need to clarify a few points here.....
I know all about ( his point of view ofc) his life and relationship breakups
I didn’t say anything to her SuzieQ10 as she wasn’t even there , that’s the whole point 🙄
As far as I can see he’s been an excellent dad and doesn’t deserve this ,
She was happy to be on a day out with him and her brother two days before the ‘small’ gathering that she agreed to and he paid for
His phone is often pinging with messages from her as she likes his advice on things. Sometimes a number of times throughout the night. And I never complain

My whole point is the disrespect. And me dealing in frustration with his internal anger/unhappiness/embarrassment when it’s not my problem

And yes, my children have texted him to thank him for things.

OP posts:
EmmiJay · 05/09/2019 22:27

I think OP struck a nerve with her partner hence the flippage on her. Also, if someone is throwing me a party, I'm turning up. Shes 18, not a toddler. She can grin and bare it for an hour even half an hour then leave. I would NEVER be that ungrateful/rude to any family of mines.

madcatladyforever · 05/09/2019 22:30

I expect it's guilt but I wouldn't criticise anyone else's children as it's a recipe for disaster.
I'd certainly think it though.

Windmillwhirl · 05/09/2019 22:33

If I'd pulled that stunt at 18, I'd have been disowned. Just sayin'

AutumnCrow · 05/09/2019 22:47

So why didn't she turn up? There's obviously something amiss here. Is she unhappy? Was she with her mum on her birthday? I'd be worried about her tbh. Eighteen can be a horrible age when you have divorced parents.

Croquembou · 05/09/2019 22:49

To other posters, I'm not saying it's great behaviour. Or polite. I'm just saying my SILs did similar things to their Dad at that age and it was pretty much a reflection of how he'd treated them their whole lives. Obviously this could be a very different situation, but it is unusual to be so rude.

OP - it doesn't sound like you like her much. Comparing her to your children is probably unfair when they've probably had different lives. She's 18, you don't have to engage with this situation, you'll never be required to parent her. I don't particularly like any of my in-laws but I'm nice to them for my husband's sake. Her manners etc. aren't your problem.

Also, I would never thank my FIL directly for a gift, etc. I'd just ask my husband to pass on my thanks. I don't have, and am not interested, in that kind of relationship with him. It is what it is. Thanks were sent, just accept them even if you'd want your children to act differently.

Elieza · 05/09/2019 22:51

If you have to, er, tell the truth to someone close to you about one of their close relatives and it’s bad news, I’ve found the sandwich method my best way of doing it. Otherwise they turn on you because in their heart they can’t handle the truth that their loved one is an arse or whatever.

ie the sandwich could be
“I can’t believe xxxx didn’t turn up to her family party, it’s unbelievable, how could she be so selfish when she’s usually such a Lovely girl and she deserves to have a special day so we can shower her with gifts and she could have a good time and get some photos, she’s so pretty with her hair like that. Sigh. I do hope we get the chance to see her soon. She’s a good kid at heart. I just want her to be happy’.
Plenty compliments. Truth in between. Who can say anything about that. Unless of course the person you’re speaking to is the type to cut in so you can’t say your full piece (incl nice things as that’s no good. You gotta have the nice things for it to work).
In which case just button it and say nowt as it won’t end well.

AutumnCrow · 05/09/2019 23:00

I agree there are techniques that are useful when talking about each other's adult children. OH and I have certainly had to learn them over the years!

'I'm worried about X ... that was a strange thing to say/do. Do you think they're ok? Should we do something?' is better than 'They show you no respect'.

Croquembou · 05/09/2019 23:06

I agree there are techniques that are useful when talking about each other's adult children

Hahah, all other family members. I've lost count of the amount of times I've said 'oh, well, that's an interesting decision, as long as they're happy' to my husband on some insane thing his family have done, only to call my mum with a 'you will never guess what XX has done now...'