I have begun to dislike OH’s daughter 😱

[Choclover27]

I’ve only been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and we are both 50 . Back story is I have three older kids who live with me and we all get on great and they even like each other a lot. ( think the Waltons minus the husband ). My boyfriend had two older kids, from two mothers, and neither live with him.
I do a bit of tough love with mine every now and then, I have spent a lot of effort in guiding them to have respect for others ..... see where this is leading ????
So his son is fine. I like him. He’s 27.
But his daughter is sooooo flaky with her dad that it’s starting to make me not like her. Many examples of this but most recent was that she didn’t turn up to HER OWN FAMILY 18th birthday gathering on Sunday just gone. Gave a shed load of excuses. He was understandably angry and when I agreed with him and said how she had no respect for him etc, he was then angry with me and started defending her. So we agreed a truce and to not talk about her. But I’m pissed off. I bought her a present and balloons which she opened yesterday ( three days later). And he sent me a photo of her eating her , probably stale, birthday cake And said says thanks for the present. No text direct from her. She’s 18 ffs.
Realistically I’m not sure if I’m just as annoyed with him for enabling her to behave like this and to walk all over him. He’s just invited me to
another family gathering in a couple of weeks time and I feel like I don’t want to go. It will be touch and go to the last second of wether she’s coming or not. He will be seething. And I will feel awkward.
Advice needed please

Could I make a suggestion? Her behaviour, and your partner's reaction to it, are outside your control. But you write about having to "deal in frustration with his internal anger/unhappiness/embarrassment" - well, that part is within your control, try to let go of feeling responsible for his emotional state. I don't mean be unsympathetic, but he's an adult and if he's "seething" that's up to him, not for you to have to fix, or pile on the stress to yourself bout, iyswim.

I agree with puddock. I don’t know why you are taking on this stress and choosing to be frustrated by it. Its very much not your problem. Yes you can be an ear for him to vent too but you don’t take on the stress yourself. You listen and say things like “yes I can see that would be hurtful, you should talk to your DD” you don’t start venting your own frustrations about her to him! You’re a partner of a year, this is his daughter. He’s never going to sit and bitch about her with you and if that’s what you want then you shouldn’t be with him.

I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve here either. Your attitude isn't pleasant, he has a whinge and you go on the attack slagging an 18 year old off. She's not done anything to you and you hardly know her, you've only been with him a year.

You're fifty, it's time to grow up. Are you jealous of her?

Play it cool. Shes not really your problem. Shes at adifficult age to start with and sounds as if she wasnt keen to celebrate in that why.
She might even be a bit depressed,its not unhears of in teens.

sorry i meant to say unheard of.

I'd feel EXACTLY the same as you OP. But you're going to have to keep your judgements to yourself, no good will come from criticising her to him.

He can see what she's like, especially compared to your DC and his other child. This is probably why he was so prickly about you commenting on it.

One of my pet dislikes is parents saying thank you on behalf of their kids for presents etc. (Especially at 18YO!) it takes no effort to send a quick text fgs. She sounds rude and entitled, and I'm doubting she's going to grow out if that now.

OP no good comes out of criticising your partners children particularly when in such a new relationship, he knows what she did was thoughtless but he doesn't want to hear it out loud.

You need to take a step back and not get directly involved. You are a relative newcomer into their family dynamic and there could be a host of reasons for her behaviour that you do not know about. The fact that you are so close to your own DC's may highlight the fact to your partner that he currently does not have that type of relationship with his daughter which may make him extra sensitive to your criticisms.

I know a quick thank you text to you would have been the polite thing to do when she received your gift but sometimes things can genuinely get a bit lost in translation. She may have thought telling her dad to thank you on her behalf was fine particularly if he agreed to pass the message on. She may be unaware that she has upset you or come across as impolite. Did your DP tell her that she should thank you directly instead? She may also not feel that she has a close relationship with you so preferred to pass the message on via her dad.

I really don't think you should feel awkward about attending the family event in a few weeks. If your DP's daughter doesn't attend and he is "seething" that is an issue between him and his daughter to sought out. If she does attend it will be a good opportunity to continue to get to know her.

For what it's worth I have been with my partner 15.5 years and his adult son is quite troubled and has behaved quite badly over the last few years. My DP can get quite tetchy if I point out how unacceptable his sons behaviour is, I now know that it is best if I let him vent to me and offer support rather than criticisms.

*sort

You're getting a hard time on here op.
She was rude. It'll be hard to bite your tongue going forward but that's what you need to do.
Hopefully she's just young and daft and will grow out of it. But frustrating from your point.
Might be good to get this thread deleted as it's quite identifying?

There may be more this op. He had two kids by two women and you don't know how it has affected her. He may be a lovely dad but may have been missing at some crucial times.

Either way, it doesn't really affect you so I'd just leave it.

I know all about ( his point of view ofc) his life and relationship breakups

... His point of view ofc

Exactly.

His exes and kids would most likely have illuminating information for you; but they can't tell you any of it.be abuse you're his new (ish) partner.

Stop getting offended and indignant about some young girls behaviour whose shoes you have not walked in, whom you don't know and whom yours in no position to have an opinion on.

Maybe the "spoilt inconsiderate bad mannered princess" had her reasons and issues. Sorry but you're just her dad's latest squeeze, I think you should butt out. You shouldn't be adding more potential conflict/stress to her life, you don't have the right. He doesn't even want you getting involved.

*because

*you're

I really don't think you should feel awkward about attending the family event in a few weeks. If your DP's daughter doesn't attend and he is "seething" that is an issue between him and his daughter to sought out. If she does attend it will be a good opportunity to continue to get to know her.

Exactly.

It's like you want to take it personally and want to create drama.

Let them deal with it.

If his mood affects you too much, perhaps you shouldn't continue the relationship.