*Trigger warning* would you disclose this to your adult DC

[Cheeseandapple]

As a mother, under what circumstances, if any, would you think it appropriate or necessary to tell adult DC that their DF/your exDH had had sex with you without your consent?

My DM has told me this recently and told my DB separately. I'm really struggling with how to process it and what to do with the information. I have a good relationship with DF and I'm fairly sure the only reason she told me is because she doesn't want me to have anything to do with him out of loyalty to her.

This kept me up last night and I need help with it. I have a close but very complex and often toxic relationship with DM so would find other perspectives helpful.

Thank you.

Why did she disclose that or feel the need to? I've been through similar things, my children are still young and I don't intend on ever disclosing such information. I'd rather take that to the grave with me.

Hmm.

What would your reaction to your mother be if you found out from someone else?

Would you say "why on earth didn't you tell me?"

I think I would tell my adult children.

He may be your father but he still did a terrible thing and I think, as an adult, you should know and make your own decision about your relationship with him going forward.

Would you want to have known if he hit her or did jail time for robbery?

I'd it the fact he commited rape that is making you uncomfortable?

Is it the fact*

I am the parent of adult children and I would never disclose such information. There's no reason to, they're not at risk from him.

You have a good relationship with your father and a 'complex' relationship with your mother. Your fairly sure she only said it to ruin your relationship with him. How do you know what she said was true?

Sounds like she succeeded.

No. I would not.

I have had my mother for a large part of my adult life inappropriately disclose information about her traumatic child hood, childhood abuse by a relative, and about the circumstances of my coming into being, plus about my father.

It was deeply distressing, and a lot of the time it was to point out that I had nothing to complain about in comparison.

Finally I grew a backbone and told her that if she needed to talk to someone, she should get herself a therapist, and she was not to talk to me about it again. If she ever starts now, I get up and go to bed.

And if you feel that her motivation is to alienate you from your father, I'd be wondering how much stock to put in her allegation.

How difficult for you to hear. I’m not sure I would tell my children that as I’m not sure what purpose it would have; really for the exact reasons you’re struggling I don’t think I would share that

I am in your mother's situation and I can't imagine telling my DCs this other than under extremely exceptional circumstances.

Since you also say that your relationship with your mum is somewhat toxic, then I'd take what she's said with a pinch of salt.

No reason to discuss that sort of thing with your children, adult or not

Is she telling the truth even?

It is not something I would disclose under any circumstances to my DC. However, older DD knows that my relationship with DS’s dad was abusive - she knows because she grew up sadly with some of it. So she knows things which DS does not, but not all of it, whereas DS who was a baby when I left, just knows me and his father really do not talk.

My view with DS, and this was also the view of a child psychologist, is that the important point for DS is his relationship with his father and that is up to him and his dad. I am phrasing this badly, but what I am trying to say is that your relationship with your dad is your business. Whatever happened between them you did not cause, you cannot resolve and you should not be in the middle of.

I think the other thing is, if she brings it up again, is to point her in the direction of Rape Crisis. They have good support workers and they will believe her (and I honestly don’t think the ‘is she even telling the truth?’ comments have a place here), and it is their job.

Thanks for your responses. They've really helped me clear my head a little bit.

I am a mother to a little girl and can't imagine telling her something like this. It would be a burden and so I'm struggling to understand her intention beyond trying to hurt my relationship with DF.

@HattieMcNastie if someone else had told me this about my own DM, I definitely wouldn't question why she wouldn't have told me herself. I probably wouldn't tell her I knew. It's a very personal and traumatic thing and I'd never assume someone should or would tell me, it's not my right to know. Part of my issue, is that I don't know whether he did do a terrible thing or not. There is a chance that she has made this up. I haven't and wouldn't let on to her that I think this though. Your question about rape compared to other criminal offences has sat with me this afternoon. I don't have an answer to that yet.

@mbosnz My DM has also overshared with me since I was very young. As an adult I have come to realise that she has used me and my DB as an emotional crutch. I have become quite firm with her about things I am no longer prepared to talk to her about and she always tells me I am censoring her. I have developed quite a thick skin to this as I have experienced so much emotional turmoil through and following conversations with her. It's not healthy and it's a cycle that needs to end. She's actually in therapy as of fairly recently and I've definitely noticed an improvement in our communications but it's a process I guess, not a quick fix.

@Mystraightenersarebroken You have my empathy, I'm sorry it hear that. Thank you for sharing and letting me know your perspective in that context.

@SoloNow that is such a helpful idea. I won't bring it up myself but if she does I will do that. Thank you.

And thanks again to everyone. I wrote that post a number of times between 3 and 5am this morning when I couldn't sleep but couldn't word it right. I'm so glad I persevered as your comments have been helpful. I feel like I've been through a bit of catharsis.

Thank you for your response Cheese. I'm so glad you are asserting your boundaries, and fair play to your mother, she's actually doing therapy! Good on her!

As a mother, I don't want my pain to become my children's burden and pain. They'll have enough of their own along the way. I want to help them lighten theirs, not ask them to carry mine.

That's so interesting about not wanting your pain to become theirs. I have talked to my mum about this. She carries stories from her grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents and siblings of trauma, hurt, bad choices etc and has shared those with me. I think she has felt a duty to keep these stories alive and pass them down the generations. When I was pregnant a couple of years ago I told her that I needed to be the last person/generation to be burdened by them, I did not want my DC having to account for pain that was caused 100 years ago.

I might feel differently if our stories were something like WWII, something historical that should be acknowledged and recorded.

They weren't. They were bog standard domestic violence and abuse.

You keep writing things that really strike a chord. Bog standard is the word. I remember once, she was agreeing with me that her expectation of me wasn't that of a normal mother-daughter relationship but followed it up by saying that we weren't a normal family. She was sort of shocked into silence when I said that actually there was nothing unusual about depression, alcoholism, ex pat, divorce etc. All fairly common and we have nothing on our family that sets us apart in that sense.

@squeakybike, sorry I thought I had replied to you originally. I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced something similar and I am grateful to you for sharing that to help me.

I have been thinking about this. It is hard to articulate, though.

One of the things which came to mind is how the law on rape and sexual assault has changed. Rape within marriage only became a crime in 1991. Prior to 2003, sex whilst the victim was sleeping was sexual assault, not rape. The idea of affirmative consent is relatively recent. (Of course respect and decent behaviour do not rely on the law; and men should not rape or sexually abuse regardless of the law, but if you think about it, there are still advertising campaigns telling men that sex when someone is too drunk to consent is rape, men still need to be told).

I am not suggesting you discuss this at all further with her, but it may be that things which happened at the time she (and others) would not have called rape. I am not condoning them or saying they did not upset or affect her or anything like that. My point is that for some reason now she may be processing things which she did not quite understand at the time why they upset her; and now sees in the light of laws and understandings of affirmative consent now. So it might seem out of the blue to you now simply because it is her processing it now for whatever reason - could be triggered by the media, anything. (I still don’t think sharing with one’s children is a good idea though)

I might not be articulating this well, but there is maybe a middle ground between your parents here in terms of how you think about this which might help. Your mum may be processing things in light of understandings now which happened in the past; and it sounds like this is on top of existing history of trauma in her family. This does not mean that she is seeking to upset your relationship with your DF (and as I said above, that is your business) but trying to explain to herself and you why things fell apart. That is her narrative though, not yours. Treat with (detached) compassion (and signposting to Rape Crisis if she mentions it again).

At the same time, much of our understanding on rape particularly in marriage and on affirmative consent is really very recent. I am more than sure that many things happened in past marriages as they happen today, which were and are not positive and affirmative sexual experiences. You do not even have to bring details about your father into this - but the general thought allows you to also hold him in compassion for what is being said.

I don’t know - there is maybe a space for both your mum’s narrative and your love for your father to co-exist there.

Again your most recent post, I think is a generational thing. Divorce would have been rarer in my parent’s generation and it certainly was not the norm when I was growing up. I agree that alcoholism and depression would be common, but talking about it? The confessional media type exposure is really relatively recent. I honestly think my mother’s generation carried things around in them which were never aired in therapy or anything and that can become toxic.

Anyway, I need to go to bed

You mother sounds a great deal like mine. A word of caution, my mother told me a lot of lies about my father in an attempt to disrupt our relationship. I am not saying that yours is but unfortunately parents are not always truthful.

Re passing down stories of past trauma. While it is burdening as you have said it is also incredibly valuable. I have made so many good choices and avoided so much unhappiness by hearing about the tragedies (and the successes) of my family. I wouldn’t presume to tell you what to do but just wanted to share my experience.

Good luck with your mother, you have my deepest sympathy.

How did she tell you op? Was it face to face? Could you gage her facial reactions etc?

Your post has really hit something with me.
I’m sorry you had to hear that and the fact that you are now unsure what to believe.
The father of my teenagers spent a few years in prison for raping me, my children have seen him for 12 years and although they know he was in prison they don’t know why. I’ve always thought that one day I’d have to tell them what he did for me, before someone else does? But reading your post has made me think that maybe I shouldn’t

To me not for me