*Trigger warning* would you disclose this to your adult DC

[Cheeseandapple]

As a mother, under what circumstances, if any, would you think it appropriate or necessary to tell adult DC that their DF/your exDH had had sex with you without your consent?

My DM has told me this recently and told my DB separately. I'm really struggling with how to process it and what to do with the information. I have a good relationship with DF and I'm fairly sure the only reason she told me is because she doesn't want me to have anything to do with him out of loyalty to her.

This kept me up last night and I need help with it. I have a close but very complex and often toxic relationship with DM so would find other perspectives helpful.

Thank you.

It's a difficult question to answer. If your father did such a thing then l think you have the right to know what kind of man he is. Your mother offloading to you in childhood is a form of emotional abuse l would say. If your mother has experienced this trauma, l can understand why she has shared it with you. It does put you in a difficult situation though and it leaves you to have to work through your own emotions too.

Sorry, they HAVEN’T seen him for 12 years.
Should have proof read my post but was scared I wouldn’t be brave enough to post if I didn’t do it quickly

I hear you.

And I'm sorry your mum has put all of this one you.

In my late teens, my father said there was something my mum needed to tell us. There was no warming up to this, we just stood as four people, my dad sort of held us into a tight unit, and my mum said that her dad (who died when I was ten) tried to rape her when she was a girl and still living back home.

She broke down entirely and my dad had us encircle her, hold her and comfort her as a team.

But I still have many questions to this day, a good two decades later. Like, exactly how old was she? Did he threaten her not to tell? Was he drunk? Was he caught and that was why it wasn't completed so to speak? What happened after? Did my mum never even tell a friend? What had made it suddenly come up? Was she seeing a counsellor?

And the all-time question: why did she let me and my brother stay over with them without my parents there?

I also had to keep this knowledge from my nan, which was super hard because the number of times I wanted to tell her that her daughter needed her because of what happened. But I think I also understand maybe why she was to never find out.

I only have one cousin, I can say with certainty than neither him nor his parents know about this.

We've otherwise not been burdened with a lot, not really. There's actually a lot my family won't talk about.

I would want to know if my dad was a rapist. Any normal person would rather know.

My mother also told me things about my father that I don't know are true (not quite the same, but still bad) when I was about six. It was totally inappropriate. I actually got into trouble at school for drawing pictures of what she had said to me (this was the eighties). She should never have said it.

My mother told me this and many other things I would rather have not known. I believed her for decades before finally realising she was a narcissist who wanted her children to cut off contact with their father. She succeeded with me. My siblings wised up to her, thanks to their wives who looking in from the outside clocked her games early on, boy did she then hate her DILs.

My brother sent this to all siblings the other day as siblings we are not close because of all that went on. He said to read the comments.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/aug/27/i-wish-id-told-dad-how-much-i-hated-him-when-children-ditch-their-parents?fbclid=IwAR1h2KUDDxdvV309EY2F7iZbe4PkQty5uTpU_FOhTe6Yev1574pswGitNBQ#comment-132388762

I am going to tell my DC if they ask when they are older.

All they know right now is that I cannot have him anywhere near me and we have had 3 years of SS involvement and assessments to reinforce no unsupervised contact.

I always thought I would never tell them, especially the youngest as she was a result, along with 5 years of appalling mental health. I even put him on youngest birth certificates as I didn't want her to feel like the odd one out, or have any doubt who her dad was.

But who the hell is all of this protecting? A rapist. That is who. At present the kids just see mummy excluding daddy. Poor daddy.

I have explained to them that there are very good reasons and that when they are older we can discuss my shortcomings as I own my part in their turbulent lives. But right now I used an analogy of them having saved for years to get something very special to them and if someone else came along and wilfully smashed it to pieces, would you want that person in your life? Perhaps a bad analogy but age appropriate.

For my eldest, who has seen to much, I simply counsel her to judge him solely for his actions as a dad, because I do not need her to take sides. This is unbelievably hard for me.

I will tell, IF they ask, because they deserve to know why their lives have been like this and I refuse to protect him.

But

Why is your mum only telling you now?

You say your relationship with your mum is difficult, is this potentially because she was a victim of domestic abuse?

I don't know, but what I do know is that it is unlikely that she took telling you lightly. Maybe she just got sick of being the bad guy and protecting him. Or maybe she is just a crazy bitch. But if she has no history of lying I would be very careful of labelling her as such. It is unforgivable.

Supervised contact doh

Omg this is so my mum but I wa 13 when she started telling me stories like how she was raped at 5 and how her ex raped her how my dad beat her. How my grandad beat her blah blah blah. I'd ignore her tbh. Maybe she read something that was not there when having sex. Omg my mum told me my use pay her for sex talk to her and ask her why she's telling you and of it was years ago what does she want to achieve.

This is indeed a triggering thread for me and after this final comment I will accept my position as an outlier and do one.

But, to clarify, intimate partner rape can be just as traumatic as stranger rape. It is still a real rape and there should not be compassion for rapists because an offensive law has been corrected finally.

Despite having told my family that my ex raped me, they continued to send joint Christmas cards and presents for him. On my mum's deathbed all she talked about was poor Ex. Despite me having been NC with her for a year and despite her having met him less than 10 times in 12 years. In fact they even invited him to her funeral and offered him a place in the funeral cars. I was told I could cadge a lift with someone else.

I had never told my family the horror of what he did, how I screamed, how I bled for 3 days from both holes. But I did that day.

Don't insinuate someone is a liar unless you know. Ask the accused.

I am sorry if my post has upset you chickenyhead

I think it is possible, with the information OP has (which is different from the experience you personally had), for her to view the situation between her parents compassionately. I am not saying her mother or society in general has to. I am also not saying that intimate partner rape is not real rape. I am saying that the law has changed and this might cause people for whatever reason to reassess what happened to them in light of new understandings. Those new understandings are right and proper; I did not and do not suggest otherwise.

I don’t know, at the end of the day, I have sat in a court where the judge has said it does not matter what has happened between the parents, the best interests of the child are a relationship with both, which both parents should facilitate. I have to support contact. Does not matter how triggering or traumatic, because put quite simply, it is not my DS’s trauma.

That is a different matter, I think, from expecting your parents to support you. There is only one of you who is their child, there should be no split loyalties there. I am sorry that you did not have this support

I am done on this thread as well.

@SoloNow

It is not clear anywhere in this thread how the mother was raped. Because parents would not share that vile detail as it is unnecessary. What have you relied upon in reaching such a conclusion specifically?

As for my trauma not being theirs? Well it has been in many many ways and maybe they deserve to know why to some extent. If they ask. It has taken me years of therapy to realise that this is ok. They do deserve to know.
I grew up in a family where kids weren't told anything and all emotive subjects were off limits. Incredibly unhealthy.

I do not demand a loyalty choice and go out of my way to avoid it, BUT when my daughter understands she may feel misplaced guilt for maintaining such contact on false pretences that he wasnt a rapist. I will help her to get support for this.

No I wouldnt, because my mum told me this, and about how my dad hit her and even went into detail about when my dad was cruel to her. Then she expected to still be able to pack me off for holidays to him because she would remind me that he really did love me and it was seperate.

I had to go on holidays with him as a teenager knowing this and not able to tell him I knew. It was really hard. Then sometimes he would tell me how my mum broke his heart and cheated on him . I knew that the guy she "cheated on him" with, was actually the guy that witnessed some violence and helped her escape and gave her a place to stay.

I REALLY dont think I should have known half this stuff tbh. Its really affected my relationship with my dad, and really affected my sense of security in the world and also my trust in men.
I dont blame her either though, as we are close, and we have always talked, but it was a great burden to know these things when I was so young

That's similar to what happened to me, Branleuse. But I only met him a few times and then he died. It caused me to be very frightened and confused about who I was for several years into my twenties.

Years after the divorce I let it slip in conversation with my dd. She was four when her father and I split, and in her thirties before she knew.

Your terminology is minimising this, which would indicate you're struggling with it, you say had sex with her without her consent, when what you mean is he raped her.

I think it's ok to tell adult children this if I'm honest. I would tell my daughter if her father raped me. I don't see why I would need to protect him and hide it,

I wish i never knew, because my mum was so friendly to him whenever we've seen him, they got on like a house on fire, and yet told me these things as a young teenager. I think its been terrible for my boundaries.
I still love my dad. I think their relationship was clearly volatile and my dad is a difficult person who clearly cant actually live with people, but is fine in small doses. Its taken me a long time to be able to remember our good memories and the good times we had in my childhood without it being overridden by the difficult times we had once I knew all the shit about him.

@Branleuse

I think you were somewhat of an emotional crutch for DM unfortunately. You certainly should have had a choice once you knew. And early teens is too young and a confusing time anyway.

I "get on" with my ex, because I dissociate, but it isn't healthy so I minimise contact between us.

You were not emotionally mature enough to take on that role

@SoloNow what you've said is really interesting, both with regards to the changes in law and in cultural shifts around talking about private family matters more publicly. I was a kid in the 90s and knew of a few friends with divorced or separated parents and by the time my parents divorced in the mid naughties, most of my friends parents had too. I agree that mental health issues such as depression and alcoholism have recently become less taboo to talk about. My mother works in mental health and so definitely has more awareness of their prevalence in society.

@SabdyGusset she told me face to face originally, over a year ago now that I come to think of it. It came up again earlier this week over the phone. It's hard to describe her expression, I'll have to think on that.

@JustLooking2019 you have my sympathy and I'm sorry to hear that. I think perhaps that the issue I am having is also deeply connected to the nature of my relationship with my DM and actually if it weren't so problematic with issues around trust and intent, processing the information would be easier. The two times it has come up for us has been in difficult conversations/arguments. She didn't sit me down and let me know she wanted to tell me something, it just sort of fell out of her mouth.

@justasking111 that's interesting. I think I've become wiser to how unhealthy our relationship has been since starting a family of my own. Thanks for the link to that article, I haven't read it yet but I will.

@chickenyhead it sounds like you have survived something really horrific and I'm sorry that this thread has sort of put it in front of you. I really appreciate your comment and I hope you are able to take care of yourself despite family seemingly being unable to do so.

@Bluntness100 I thought very carefully about the wording l. Sex without her consent is actually how my DM worded it so I chose to use her words, instead of my own. I understand that she also made a choice to phrase it that way,not course. As for struggling with it, that is the purpose of my most. I am really struggling with it, it's no secret.

Thanks again to everyone replying. It's very confronting but I am finding the questions thought provoking.

@chickenyhead I dont think she used me as an emotional crutch, but she definitely treated me a bit like a friend more than a daughter at some points. We are still very close. I have told her that I wish she hadnt told me some of it and we have talked about it.

If I was pressing charges and my ex was likely to end up in prison for rape, then yes, I probably would tell an adult child.

If I was not reporting the rape and we were just going about separate lives, then no, I would absolutely not tell my children.

If this is not a legal issue...does your dad get to tell his side of the story? I doubt you’d want to hear it anyway. So what are you left with, other than information you didn’t need to know and didn’t want to know.

If she’s not reporting / hasn’t reported the assault and doesn’t have reason to warn you, I think it could be construed as a bit manipulative or selfish.

Apologies if I missed some information.