End of relationship; I feel like there's something I don't know (long post)

[sofoolish]

I don't even know where to begin with this. Bit of an AIBU, but a bit too long / relationship-oriented for that. My (25M) ex (25F) broke up with me 2 months ago to the day after a 3 year relationship, bought a house together last year. As cheesy as this is, it was love at first sight, for me at least. We had a lot of fun together, planned to buy a home together (which we did), planned to get married and eventually children. I was living the dream, could not be happier. She made me happier than anybody ever has, and I genuinely think I've found the one. But I've screwed up, big time...

To preface this, each year around March / April I end up depressed but manage it, with massive help to my partner lost my father in an RTC 9 years ago, which caused more problems and this year I was hurting more than normal, but managing. This was compounded by taking on a new contract at work which meant working usually 12+ hours on the weekdays, to keep myself busy and earn more money to improve the home and buy an engagement ring. I burnt myself out trying to juggle everything, I spent only a few hours at home and when I was at home, I was grumpy or tired, not supporting my partner at the time, who suffers from Endo. I was all round just absent in the relationship, rarely there. Towards the end she'd spent a lot of time with my male friend, and it was all just very strange. I got more wound up by that, and in the last couple of months I'd raise my voice, get angry, and upset over minor things. I realise I was not investing my time and effort into the relationship as I should have, and as a result I think I have irreparably ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I thought we should have some space, time apart, figure things out we have poor communication between us, and looking back over texts from the relationship recently, while I was busy working, I can see clearly that she wanted to make this work. Two days later she accepts that, and immediately adds back old friends whom she has history with, and jumped head first into efforts on Tinder I didn't find this out for a few days. Yet a couple of days after she decided to "officially end it", I'd realised I'd made the worst decision and tried to make it work with her, but for the next 3 weeks she is constantly out of the house, staying at her friend's house, telling me she "just wants to be single, have some space". I couldn't function or think for the first 2-3 weeks, felt sick and couldn't eat, didn't turn up to work I even quit my job to focus on repairing the relationship (work-life balance was the ultimate issue; cause of all of these problems, from my perspective), I was and still am absolutely heartbroken and devastated. I realise that my absence and grumpiness was why this all ended, but she says it isn't really she did not tell me much at all initially. Over the past few weeks she has teased me with "Okay when I'm back, we'll try and make it better", and when she is back, she'll tell me she didn't mean it, trying to make me feel better at the time. She did tell me "I can't guarantee how I'll feel in the future, but I would never rule it out, maybe we can try again in 6 or 12 or 18 months", and only recently told me to "take it as a no for now, I can't deal with this". I've begged and pleaded to try and make it work between us, I just feel like there is something I don't know or understand about the situation. All of the problems were never that big, and can be easily fixed...I just feel helpless watching the love of my life cut me out, and then to lose my house and extended family over this. I am still convinced she is the most wonderful woman, and would do anything to make it better.

My mental health has taken a huge hit with this, and I've been trying to get help over some very dark thoughts but that is still not going anywhere. I have attempted suicide previously (4 years ago, when I was in a horrible place), and recently I have been feeling much the same; helpless and watching everything crumble around me (losing my dad, dog, partner, house, and extended family). I have been trying to get support for my mental health but that's not going very far. I'm struggling massively to deal with one let alone all of these problems, and as a result I've put even more pressure on my ex with this -- pushing her further away with the way I've been handling this.

I realise this is incredibly cheesy, and I'm not the only person to experience this, but she is the most wonderful and gorgeous woman I've ever met, and I've ruined it. She's completely out of my league, and I realise that -- she's such a kind and caring person, with a big heart. Yet she has been absolutely heartless recently, so out of character. I'm devastated that it has come to this, and scared of the future; she's a huge flirt and loves attention (though, of course, not through the relationship). I understand she's single and entititled to do anything she wants, yet it hurts knowing how quickly she has moved on and how much she loves being single (and there's of course way more context to this...).

AIBU to not understand why this couldn't be fixed, or if there is ever a future in it. I strongly feel there is something I don't know, I can't understand what went so wrong for it to come to this...it is seemingly a cut-throat approach to something easily resolved. Apologies for pouring my heart out, I just don't know what to think or how to handle this. Thanks.

It’s hard but you just have to move on.
Sorry.

Tbh it sounds like she checked out quite a while ago. She may have tried to tell you the relationship was in trouble and you didn't listen but ultimately it sounds like it's game over. It doesn't mean there was another reason (I'm assuming you're hinting at that she's cheated on you. A lot of men usually always try to pin the blame on that rather than their partners just simply have had enough with life the way it is)

You shouldn't have quit your job and begging and pleading never works. If it's finished then it's time to heal and move on.

Why on earth did you quit your job?! To be honest, I’ve been where your ex is now, and it’s all just too little too late. You didn’t worry yourself with making the effort while you had her, so it’s so shallow that you’re ‘trying’ now, it just stings to feel like they couldn’t be arsed until you’d given up. In short, if you feel it could’ve been ‘easily resolved’ you should have done so before she made her mind up. Now it’s too late.
Also, she’s not being cruel, she’s just trying to move on with her life in the best way she knows how to.

@gamerchick yeah, I mean, she did try a lot to make it work and with me being busy, I didn't quite pay attention to it. I believe she really did want to try, and said she "felt single" for the past couple of months. I don't know if she has cheated, but I wouldn't rule it out -- I'm not dwelling on it as I don't have a solid reason to believe it.

I quit my job as it was incredibly stressful, I should've done it a long time before, but I wanted to earn more money for a few good reasons. And I can't help but beg and plead, I couldn't sit around and pretend like it's okay, I feel like I had to be honest about how I feel about this, even if I was absent for the last few months.

I know it's over and should move on but I am struggling so much to do that. I really don't know how, and I have been seeking help for that.

It sounds like you really need some support maybe some from gp and counselling. You sound like you are really low and you believe your relationship will fix all this and make you happy again. I think you are just clutching on in panic as maybe you feel like your life is imploding. I promise it will get better but currently there is this low place and seeking help will get you out of this horrid and lonely place.

I would try and forget about the relationship for now. Give her space and if she really wants to, then she will come back. But all the hot and cold and game playing from her is not helping you at all. I'm sorry you lost your father in such a horrendous way. Maybe you have ptsd. I know I did following the death of my brother. It's worse when someone dies in a traumatic way because it leaves so many questions and no answers. So maybe there is a lot of that unresolved and not dealt with. Please seek help, don't ignore your feelings.

Right now the relationship should be put on the back burner and concentrate on yourself and build your life back up. You did right quitting your job because it was consuming you. Find a job that is a compromise. Not as many hours but okay pay just to get you on.

And I hate to say this but no one is perfect least of all your ex. Putting her on a pedestal and looking back with rose tinted spectacles is not going to help you in moving on. There was bad times as well, you as much say it on here. Don't put all your happiness into one person because when they are gone what else do you have?

Take time to build up your life and become who you want to be. Maybe write down a few goals for between now and next year? Because then when you are content and you have built your own life, the right person should com along to enhance that, not be your whole world.

Good luck!

Come* sorry

Hi

It sounds like she did everything she could to no avail and then slowly starting checking out until you broke up. So, for her by the time it came to the final split, she had lost her feelings for you.

Learn from this to make sure you have a good work and life balance and whether or not you get back with her,make sure that you always put some effort into a relationship.

opaljewel speaks a lot of sense OP. And I think you are being too hard on yourself- it’s not all your fault, it takes two people to mess up a relationship (where there is no abuse, obviously). But most important is your mental health. Please reach out to get medical and emotional support 💐

In some ways you sound like my ex OP. All too little to late with the promises. For me it was death by a thousand cuts. I tried and tried to tell him how unhappy I was, for years (too long) I gave him the opportunity to save our relationship. He wasn’t interested. He took it all for granted.
Gradually the love died. I still cared about him but I was done. When it was over for me it was over. I gave him long enough to put some effort in.
After we split we still had to share the house a while. It was awful, he cried, he made lists of things he’d do better, he begged me not to give up on our dreams (when he could never be arsed with them anyway). All far far too late I’m afraid.
I think you need to move on and learn from it. Sorry. She tried

@Opaljewel's post may be the most sensible yet caring I have ever seen on MN. Please try to follow her suggestions. 💙

Aww thanks guys. Just think kindness goes a long way and it sounds like the op is suffering. I think sometimes there are too many harsh unhelpful responses on mumsnet. (Not this thread)

Op I hope you are still here. Things will get better. It's that old cliche, just some time.

Thanks @Opaljewel, really kind words and yes, I have finally signed up for a local GP and tried to get help, but so far I have just had 6 referrals, with no real outcome. I wouldn't quite say I've latched onto her because everything is falling down around me, more that I am still madly in love with her and don't know how to handle it. I can possibly deal with one problem at a time but this one is horrendous, I really can't let go of it.

I've been trying to give her space and also try to figure out what went wrong, how to make it better. She moved out to her father's house nearly two weeks ago now and has blocked me everywhere. I don't have a choice but to have NC, yet we both own the house I'm in at the moment so we'll need to talk about that.

Losing my dad was, yeah, unbearable at 16 years old -- and I have had some help for that, and although it makes me upset I can manage it and carry on with my life. It will never go away but I can handle it on its own, to an extent. 4 years ago is when it really hit me, suicidal etc, and I did receive help for it...but that in itself didn't help as much as time did, and also meeting my now ex (she helped me out hugely with handling it).

It's hard to put the relationship on the back burner, when it's genuinely had such a huge positive impact on my life. I don't feel like much else is worth investing in.

And yes, as much as I do put her on a pedestal, I've always seen her in that way...but didn't show her that for the past few months. She knew I was madly in love with her but said she felt so unloved in recent months (and I can completely see why). Of course we had bad times, as every healthy relationship did, and that still doesn't change my perception of how brilliant it was and could've been. And agreed on the "putting happiness in one person thing" and she has said that to me too; it's not that I put all my happiness into her, it was more that nothing has ever made me so happy, that benchmark has been set so high now.

I've been trying to build my life and mold it into what I felt would make my dad proud and give me a purpose. I've always wanted to excel in my industry and live a nice lifestyle, and my ex did compliment that fantastically -- I enjoyed everything that much more, and I feel like I made a positive impact on her life, havnig a partner in crime and somebody to take care of her and her condition. But everything just feels so empty and devoid of enjoyment and passion since we've broken up. And yeah, she's single and I can't judge, but it makes things so much worse to see that she moved on the very next day, with no intent on slowing down.

Thanks for the kind words, and listening to me vent...

You're absolutely welcome. I want to reply to you properly but did you know you can in some areas refer yourself online for counselling? Google Iapt touchstone and see if they can help you. Also mind are a great charity. They maybe to help. My brother died through suicide and I was only 18 so you have my absolute sympathies. 💜 I'm due to go out so I shall reply later but just wanted you to know you are never alone.

Type your area after that google search title sorry.

@Musti she really did try, on reflection and looking back through text messages where I'm working til nearly midnight, or having a couple of pints on the way home from work. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I don't know how to life with myself with the mistake that I made; I could've avoided all of this if I'd just prioritised my relationship over my profession.

It's very soon, well two months, but I can say for certain I have learnt my lesson and then some. I couldn't ever make this mistake again, and I do wish we could make it work in the future but I can't see that in a year's time, she'll look back and think about giving it another chance when it has ended like this.

@Aminuts23 thank you, and that does really hurt to hear. Our troubles have only been for roughly 6 months, but 6 months too long. And yeah it does sound near enough exactly how our situation is too; I haven't stopped crying, I can't function, I've not turned up for work many times (and eventually quit), and also promised to invest my energy in the right places. I'm struggling so much to accept that she has made her mind up on that, and for me to move on...I know I should but I just can't; I don't understand how somebody could have this much of an effect on me. I can't just change how I feel about her, she does mean absolutely everything to me and I hoped she could've handled the work situation for just a little bit longer, but our issue has always been poor communication.

Unfortunately, your behaviour towards her, including effectively dumping her at the end of it - having 'raised your voice' (shouting - or verbally abusing - a woman with a debilitating health condition?) led to her making the decision that was best for her wellbeing.

You're going to have to learn to deal with it - therapy would be a good idea - but no, you can't fix this, she won't come back and with good reason.

You can't take that behaviour back. But you can ensure that you don't repeat it.

You were nasty to her and she dumped you. Leave her alone. I suspect Toure using this forum because you know she posts here.

Love isn't a feeling, it's a thing that you do.

It's a verb.

You might say that you love her so strongly and deeply, and you may feel that, but you didn't behave like that, and ultimately that's all that matters.

@MitziK I realise that, fully. However I don't believe raising my voice alone and being distant for a few months towards the end after a few great years should cause such irreparable damage. I do think time apart would be the sensible option. I can't take it back or change what happened, which is the worst part. I know I should never have done it, and it also doesn't make it better by apologising after shouting...that again doesn't change the fact that I did it.

Her condition is endometriosis, which I've always supported, though in recent months I've just been working effectively non-stop to be there for her. I know it's a horrible condition, and how bad it makes her feel.

@Stuckandsad I'm not quite sure I was nasty, at all. I've been on this forum for 8-9 years, and she has posted on here previously. I'm posting here, as most people do, to talk to people who are unconnected with the situation who may have had similar experiences or perceptions.

@Jennifer2r I agree with you. And until the last few months, I did not show or behave as if I'd loved her. I was spinning too many plates, and hoping that once the storm passes we can to back to business as usual. I don't believe that after a few months of not showing love and affection means it is never there, and never will be there. It was a rough patch and I didn't handle it in the best of ways. To say I didn't love her couldn't be further from the truth, but I did not behave as if I did recently, and I agree with you in that's what really matters.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so low and I hope you can get some help.

I'm guessing at your age this was your first co-habiting relationship? It's always going to be hard when your first serious relationship ends. But statistically, the vast majority of them do.

You have bound up a huge amount of your emotional needs and invested them in her/the relationship. You have made her your "everything" and that is never wise.

I speak from experience. When I split up with my first serious boyfriend (he walked away because he met someone who he preferred phsyically, which was nice to hear!) I was an absolute wreck for months. Shame to say, I started stalking his new girlfriend :( It was a very low point in my life.

A couple of days after we split, I was sitting at my desk at work (I clung on desperately to work - at least it distracted me some of the time) crying my eyes out, yanking on my hair to try to make the physical pain distract me from the emotional. I thought "No matter what happens, I will never love anyone so utterly again, because this is far too painful and unhealthy."

And I never did. To me, our relationship was my everything. I still worked, I still saw friends, etc. But emotionally I had put everything I had into him, and that was not good for either him or me.

With later relationships I was in a much healthier frame of mind and although I loved my partners deeply, I never threw my entire person into them. I understood that I was a separate person, responsible for my own emotions and happiness. This also meant I did not accept unreasonable behaviour from my partners - I was no longer the girl saying "Yes he's been shagging other girls but I LOVE HIM."

How I got through this period: I spent a lot of time with my friends and family. I took a lot of overtime at work. I borrowed a friend's dog every day and took him for a walk twice a day. I cried into said dog's fur many times. I watched comforting films and TV (Disney VHS releases FTW!)

I tried the begging and pleading thing but I realised fairly quickly that it's a deeply unattractive look and wasn't going to change anything.

You will be OK, OP. This hurts but you can and will get over it. You will go on to meet someone else in time. You won't ever forget your ex, but the pain will fade with time and eventually you'll be able to look back and remember the good times without grief.

If it weren't for a few specifics in your story I would genuinely say that you were my ex. Some very strange coincidences.

I think the main thing sticking out to me here is that you keep saying you want to fix it, and you don't understand why it's over - I can totally empathise with that but at the same time, you've gotta respect her decision to end the relationship, even if you're struggling with it. You have to respect HER and recognise that she wouldn't be doing this unless she genuinely felt it was better for her.

I'm saying this because whether you mean to or not it comes across slightly like you're blaming her for giving up too easily/early, when you can't possibly know all of the time and effort she might have been putting into fixing this or keeping it going for the past months. (I saw you stated she was clearly trying to make it work - I just mean you can't know all of it and the emotional rollercoaster she was going through).

For me, in my very similar situation, it was 100% a case of too little too late.

@FuriousVexation Thank you so much. I've been desperately trying to get help, and as bad as it sounds, mostly because my friends want me to, and my ex thinks it's the most sensible option (compared to the one morbid option I have been trying).

This is not my first serious or long term relationship, but yes my first co-hab relationship. My first serious or long term relationship was ended by my ex cheating on me, and that was surprisingly easy to handle in comparison; I was still hurt by it but I didn't think we were truly made for each other. We were a good match but not perfect...and I think that helped me to move away from it swiftly. The relationship I have just exited from was without a doubt the most intense and moving of all; it sounds silly to say at a young age but I'm convinced that I found my match. And I didn't quite make her my "everything" but -- I really can't put this into words, but she did and still does take my breath away. She wasn't my everything, but she made my everything that much better. I was happy going to work to make a good life for us, happy to come home to see the love of my life, and the mundane things were always that much better with her.

I still do not know what she likes "physically" or what her type is, as and this is more context before we dated she was trying to complete Tinder, and didn't have a type as such. But, I know she was drowning in attention, and enjoying it -- enjoying the confidence, from every "type" (more context required but she used to be exceptionally friendly with a few people I know).

Similarly, it took me two days to realise that I'd made a horrendous mistake, most likely the worst mistake I've ever made. Knowing that work was essentially a huge catalyst in the downfall of the relationship I hated it -- I used to love my job, my industry, what I do, but knowing that working too much had so many knock-on effects which affected my relationship so negatively, I had to quit it. I sulked over everything, couldn't move out of bed in the morning, didn't turn up for work quite often (and my colleagues would, and still do, show up to my house for a welfare check), and eventually quit the job. I can't bare the thought of working knowing what it caused. And yeah, I spend half of my life at the moment either trying to end it or laid in bed crying thinking much like you did, that "I'll never ever get over this, move on, etc"; it truly is physically painful and debilitating.

I still can't see how I'll move on from it, and I don't think I will but as everybody has told me, my perspective is skewed and should change with time. I just cannot see it ever getting better. But I know people do experience similar things every day and manage to make it through the other side. My struggle is that I'm drowning in problems and I cannot see a way out, and that has had an even worse effect on my ex; pushing her further away knowing that I have such difficulty in managing my thoughts and feelings. Oh, and yes, about the "Yes he's been shagging other girls but I LOVE HIM" it hurts, I can't prove anything at the moment, but I have no reason to think otherwise - yet I'd take her back in a heartbeat. The begging and pleading thing is not a good look, you're correct, but I don't know what else to do -- I can't sit around and pretend it's okay, and I don't know how I can accept that one day we're relatively okay (we're having a rough patch, but we both want to make it better) to overnight nothing, and seeing her "reveal all her 'cards'" the very next day.

Thank you so much for the post, as much as it hurts it is great to hear from other people in similar situations.

@flipperdoda How spooky. I know I'm not the only individual in this situation, but they're all different. It would be interesting to hear more about your situation and how similar it is...sorry if that sounds odd, it's just a bit curious.

Yes, I strongly believe there's more to it than just "I want to be single, I want space" yet she jumps on Tinder and Bumble the very next day, and adds back all of her friends she has had very intimate "history" with on Snapchat/WhatsApp. To me it sounds like I've fucked something up big time, beyond repair...but beyond being distant, grumpy, and angry -- I don't know what went so wrong. And as much as I do agree that I need to let her handle this in her own way, and respect her choice, I can't help but feel like if I do nothing and watch it unfold in front of me, I'll be seen as not caring, and knowing how she is (there's more context to this, from before the relationship), she'll throw herself out there and drown in attention (and without context it is hard to explain, but that was how things were until we started dating).

I'm trying so hard to put pressure her or make her look bad, feel guilty, etc. I understand entirely what I did, and how that affected the relationship. What I can't understand is why there's no chance to work on it now other than, as you and others have said, it's too little too late; and I do struggle to accept that. I've not put the blame on her at all for this, I can understand her decision but what I can't understand is how she is throwing it all away without a second chance. I'm no prince charming but I know we had a good 3-4 years together, enough so to purchase a house together, and make genuine plans to get married and have children. And yes, I can see now with hindsight that she made it reasonably clear that she wanted to try and make this all better she really did, and it was only too late when I could see that. Actually, not quite true, I did understand that she loved me and felt that I was distant or not as affectionate, but I was spinning too many plates, working too hard, and all around exhausted to realise that what was happening was the downfall of the relationship -- and that is what I am struggling with the most. Coming to terms with the fact that I've ruined it and I was given decent notice.

But she’s given you chance after chance over a period of time. You say yourself that you have poor MH, annual serious depressions related to a shocking early bereavement, and that you then started working 12-hour days and becoming angry, jealous of her friendship with a mutual friend, and uninterested in the relationship for a period of several months. You say ‘all our problems were never that big’, but look at that list. Those are significant issues.

And, in the nicest possible way, your communication problems are writ large on your posts. You seem to feel that because you feel something, she should be feeling it, too, or that because suddenly you’ve quit your job (after she’d already left?) and re-engaged with the relationship as an idea, she should too. Fundamentally, you can’t seem to accept she feels differently to you, and that your time-schedule and sense of what’s fixable doesn’t match hers.

It’s very tough, but you need to pursue those referrals and get yourself into a better place.

You will just have to come to terms with the fact you made mistakes and be a more caring partner to the next woman, or the same situation with play out again and again. My guess is that you're only so bothered now because she has taken control of the situation and left? If you really cared about her you would've worked on the relationship when she showed signs of being unhappy.