End of relationship; I feel like there's something I don't know (long post)

[sofoolish]

I don't even know where to begin with this. Bit of an AIBU, but a bit too long / relationship-oriented for that. My (25M) ex (25F) broke up with me 2 months ago to the day after a 3 year relationship, bought a house together last year. As cheesy as this is, it was love at first sight, for me at least. We had a lot of fun together, planned to buy a home together (which we did), planned to get married and eventually children. I was living the dream, could not be happier. She made me happier than anybody ever has, and I genuinely think I've found the one. But I've screwed up, big time...

To preface this, each year around March / April I end up depressed but manage it, with massive help to my partner lost my father in an RTC 9 years ago, which caused more problems and this year I was hurting more than normal, but managing. This was compounded by taking on a new contract at work which meant working usually 12+ hours on the weekdays, to keep myself busy and earn more money to improve the home and buy an engagement ring. I burnt myself out trying to juggle everything, I spent only a few hours at home and when I was at home, I was grumpy or tired, not supporting my partner at the time, who suffers from Endo. I was all round just absent in the relationship, rarely there. Towards the end she'd spent a lot of time with my male friend, and it was all just very strange. I got more wound up by that, and in the last couple of months I'd raise my voice, get angry, and upset over minor things. I realise I was not investing my time and effort into the relationship as I should have, and as a result I think I have irreparably ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I thought we should have some space, time apart, figure things out we have poor communication between us, and looking back over texts from the relationship recently, while I was busy working, I can see clearly that she wanted to make this work. Two days later she accepts that, and immediately adds back old friends whom she has history with, and jumped head first into efforts on Tinder I didn't find this out for a few days. Yet a couple of days after she decided to "officially end it", I'd realised I'd made the worst decision and tried to make it work with her, but for the next 3 weeks she is constantly out of the house, staying at her friend's house, telling me she "just wants to be single, have some space". I couldn't function or think for the first 2-3 weeks, felt sick and couldn't eat, didn't turn up to work I even quit my job to focus on repairing the relationship (work-life balance was the ultimate issue; cause of all of these problems, from my perspective), I was and still am absolutely heartbroken and devastated. I realise that my absence and grumpiness was why this all ended, but she says it isn't really she did not tell me much at all initially. Over the past few weeks she has teased me with "Okay when I'm back, we'll try and make it better", and when she is back, she'll tell me she didn't mean it, trying to make me feel better at the time. She did tell me "I can't guarantee how I'll feel in the future, but I would never rule it out, maybe we can try again in 6 or 12 or 18 months", and only recently told me to "take it as a no for now, I can't deal with this". I've begged and pleaded to try and make it work between us, I just feel like there is something I don't know or understand about the situation. All of the problems were never that big, and can be easily fixed...I just feel helpless watching the love of my life cut me out, and then to lose my house and extended family over this. I am still convinced she is the most wonderful woman, and would do anything to make it better.

My mental health has taken a huge hit with this, and I've been trying to get help over some very dark thoughts but that is still not going anywhere. I have attempted suicide previously (4 years ago, when I was in a horrible place), and recently I have been feeling much the same; helpless and watching everything crumble around me (losing my dad, dog, partner, house, and extended family). I have been trying to get support for my mental health but that's not going very far. I'm struggling massively to deal with one let alone all of these problems, and as a result I've put even more pressure on my ex with this -- pushing her further away with the way I've been handling this.

I realise this is incredibly cheesy, and I'm not the only person to experience this, but she is the most wonderful and gorgeous woman I've ever met, and I've ruined it. She's completely out of my league, and I realise that -- she's such a kind and caring person, with a big heart. Yet she has been absolutely heartless recently, so out of character. I'm devastated that it has come to this, and scared of the future; she's a huge flirt and loves attention (though, of course, not through the relationship). I understand she's single and entititled to do anything she wants, yet it hurts knowing how quickly she has moved on and how much she loves being single (and there's of course way more context to this...).

AIBU to not understand why this couldn't be fixed, or if there is ever a future in it. I strongly feel there is something I don't know, I can't understand what went so wrong for it to come to this...it is seemingly a cut-throat approach to something easily resolved. Apologies for pouring my heart out, I just don't know what to think or how to handle this. Thanks.

You keep mentioning her dating and having sexual partners, you say you're not judgemental but it does seem that way. Mentioning 'trying to complete tinder' for example is very derogatory.

She's entitled to date whoever she wants now that she's single,even if it's the day after your relationship ended.

I agree with a lot of what BrittleJoys said, I'm afraid.

But she's given you chance after chance over a period of time.
This was one of the major killers of my relationship - I tried and tried, I attempted to get him involved in trying, I repeatedly told him about issues... when I broke up with him he said he couldn't believe I was giving up due to new issues we hadn't even tried to fix yet. He saw it as I brought up an issue one day and broke up with him the next after he'd found websites with info on for us to read. The reality was I'd been bringing things up for months on end, I'd read all those websites, tried to speak to him about them and been dismissed. He didn't even realise it was a big problem - to him this excused it and to me this was the final nail in the coffin.

...in the nicest possible way, your communication problems are writ large on your posts.
I agree with this one too. I just get (an do bear in mind that I was on the opposite side of this only a couple of months ago so will naturally be biased!) a sense that you think she owes it to you to keep trying. Or that she owes it to you to not go and date or sleep around or enjoy other male attention for a while. I get that it might hurt if she does do that (although you should try to disengage for your own sake) but you don't have any right or ability to stop her and nor should you.

Honestly? I don't get the job thing either. You say you hate the job now because of what it caused and I'm really sorry and this is blunt but the job didn't cause your relationship to break down, you/your attitude to your job sounds like a defining factor.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

38M here. I had a breakup from a 4-year relationship when I was 24. We lived together and I thought I wanted to spend my life with her but I had issues with depression, jealousy, insecurity, putting her on a pedestal, etc. Of course she eventually had enough of it and left me. It was tough but I did eventually learn from it and move on and met my now wife 4 years later. I'm a much better partner to her than I was to my ex.

Our situations aren't quite the same but you sound a bit like I used to be and I know what a horrible place you're in right now.

In all honesty you're probably in for a rough year or two. But use it as an opportunity, work on yourself and your mental health, focus on self-improvement and make sure you're ready to be a better partner the next time someone you really like comes along. You will be able to get through it but what you do now will affect your future happiness.

A few things that I would tell 24 year old me if I could:

Try hard not to beg, plead or be generally needy and pathetic when you have contact with her. I know how tempting it is because you're hurting and she's the person you've become used to relying on for emotional support. But it won't win her back and all you will do is lose her respect. You may have lost her but you will at least want her to think well of you in future after you have got over this. Keep your self-respect, you will regret it if you don't. Vent elsewhere if you have to.

Keep contact with her to a minimum for now. Thinking that you can stay friends while you're trying to get over her only drags it out and causes you more pain. And you really don't want to know the details about other guys that she's seeing.

There is no such thing as "the one" and your life isn't over because of this. In reality there are a small number of people out there that you are capable of having a really special relationship with. It's not always easy to find them but you absolutely can have a happy relationship in future that feels as important to you as this one did.

However, you won't have a successful relationship in future until you fix the things that you have been doing wrong. Try to understand how you came across from her point of view. You need to identify and take responsibility for the behaviour that damaged your relationship. Learn from this. Promise yourself to never again make the mistakes that you're kicking yourself over now. Listen to future partners and take them seriously when they try to raise problems.

A successful relationship should feel balanced and equal. Putting your partner on a pedestal or believing that she is out of your league creates a dynamic that makes you feel inferior and is very off-putting to women.

You might not believe that raising your voice is 'good enough reason' for her to leave you. But she does. As do many of us who have experienced coercive control, stonewalling and domestic abuse.

And in the circumstances, your depression, your unwillingness to communicate, your jealousy, your physical and emotional absence, your inability to accept she is capable of making a decision you don't like, your minimising of how toxic and threatening that atmosphere would have been for her, I agree that it was the best decision.

Your happiness or mental health are not her responsibility, neither when you were in a relationship nor now that it is over. They're yours.

Engage with therapy, do not contact her or attempt to/get friends to do it for you, do not imply any choices you have made in relation to self harm are in any way her responsibility and work on yourself and how you behave in relation to both grief and in a sexual relationship.

You have the chance to not become an abusive partner in the future. Take it.

Hang on, you've been on this forum for 8-9 years and you're 25?

That's - unusual. And as you say she uses the site, posting here could be termed as a bit stalky.

I think you would benefit more from concentrating upon any online counselling or therapy offered through your local healthcare provision.

@BrittleJoys Yeah, I have had a lot of time on my hands lately and I've been honest with everybody about the whole situation; it makes things much easier...

@Treesthemovie I think after what happened on Saturday, yeah, I really have come to terms with it. She has well and truly moved on, and as much as that hurts, I know it's absolutely out of my control. And no, sorry, it's not that I'm only bothered now that it's over; it's just a huge reality shock. I'd hoped she would understand that I'm busy and working hard, but of course our communication skills were not great. I don't want to say I wasn't bothered until she ended it, as that's not the case. But I was focussing efforts into my profession rather than my relationship. And yes, I know that was a huge mistake now.

@Jennifer2r yeah, I mean I'm not judging her at all. Genuinely. I'm just disappointed and hurt that this is what it has come to. And the reason I quoted "trying to complete Tinder" has a lot of context around it, and is something she has said from before we met; she had a reputation of sorts, but when we got together it was all different. It's a derogatory phrase indeed, yet it is something she has said herself and of course, she's single and can do whatever she pleases (again, no judgment there, it just hurts) and although that doesnt make it better, it's just sad to think see that's where it is going again. No judgments, I am just hurt by it. I don't want to make her look bad, despite her villifying me to my friends and her family.

@flipperdoda thanks again, and yeah I quit my job which I should've done a long time ago. It was very much an industry where working harder pays off absolutely brilliantly -- and I took that on, in order to improve our home and buy her a ring. I was earning rather good money doing it, bringing my goals closer, but I associate that work with the demise of our relationship. I've cut out everything from my life that I thought contributed to my poor attitude or lack of concern in the relationship.

@Chris647 thank you; it does sound like a very similar situation. I'm not putting her on a pedestal that she doesn't deserve; she truly is such a kind and caring woman, relationships aside. It's hard not to beg and plead after investing so much into our relationship and having a wonderful 3 years. After what's happened this weekend I know there's absolutely no way she'll consider us again, unless like the last time (well, unless...there's way more context I need to give to answer that). She has now enforced NC by moving out with her father & blocked me everywhere (despite us needing to sort the house situation out). And oh boy, you're right, I don't want to know the details about the other guys -- but that's unavoidavle in a small town when I know what happened last time (after we got together initially, I found out a LOT of horrible information from friends of mine who have history with her...wow is all I can say, inexplicably surprising).

I haven't been putting her on a pedestal that she does not deserve, and equally she's now out of my league and as shallow as it sounds, she's not the same person I first started dating; neither am I. We've both changed as people, and physically. This isn't my first heartbreak, and with my age it's hard to say this is "the one"...but I can't help but feel otherwise.

@MitziK understood, and sorry but I'm not saying that "raising my voice is not a good enough reason" for her to leave; I know that's a horrible thing to do especially given why it makes her feel so scared (she's got some history around that, unrelated to me). I know that is not a healthy or loving thing to do, but what I mean it is not beyond redemption. It's obviously not a nice thing, yet unlike for example cheating, it's something I can handle. Shouting and becoming angry is absolutely out of character and I'm not trying to shift any blame here but with my mental health of late, it's not a usual thing for me to do. But yeah, it's done now, and I can't change that. No amount of apologising will ever change it...and I know that.

So, unwillingness to communicate...I don't agree entirely with that. Both of us struggle with communications and emotions in general, except with other people. She has always spoken to other people about our problems, rather than with me -- and I've been the same. I don't know why that is. We've just always struggled to communicate to each other on certain topics (not everything, of course).

I disagree on the jealousy front. I don't see what I can be jealous of envious of. Yeah, I'll admit I'm struggling to accept her choice in wanting to end the relationship and I don't feel like it's abnormal nor unreasonable given the circumstances.

Any chance you could expand on what you thought may have been toxic or threatening? I don't even know how to reply to that.

I understand entirely that my happiness or mental health are my problems alone to deal with. She just made everything better, happier, I enjoyed every moment we spent together. What I'm struggling with now is that has set the benchmark so high.

I've been attending mental health sessions and therapy, and she's suggested going to Relate together. I don't see how her or her friends could do that for me? I've never considered self harm as such, but she does know that I have tried to take my own life as she is effectively my next of kin (I have no family left).

And yes I appreciate it is odd, but I've been on this forum since 2012; my first job involved some work with Mumsnet. I've always had an interest and involvement since. As I've mentioned previously, I use this forum (and a few others) to gain a perspective on what other people think and to understand other people's situations from an outside perspective. Much like what my ex has done. If I wanted to stalk her or get her attention, I would @ her in this thread (though I would not be surprised if she has already viewed this; but that is not the objective). As I say, I've been seeking all of the help I can get. This is a supplement and alternative view on situations. I understand this is not professional help.