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Relationships

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Original poster

Left partner after he wouldn't move his mother out.

51 replies

Jasmine24 · 05/09/2019 10:10

I have been in a relationship for 2 years. He has one child 50/50 I have 2 kids fulltime. I have always talked about the future with him not so much him. His mother lives with him. 2 and a half years ago her husband and her separated and she won't move out. The other night I said will she move out so we can move fwd in our relationship. He owns the house. He said no. He said we will rent and she stays there. He is a serial runner. Everyrime we fight he runs home to mum. I ended up saying to him so she will be staying there for good and he said yes. So I ended it and he packed his atuff and left and never heard from him again. I have not been able to go over their most of the relationship and haven't been there for 12 mths cause she is not a nice person. I guess I'm question ing if I made the right decision or not. I'm 34 and wanting to commitment and a family. She is not ill works and is capable of having her own place but she does everything for her son kinds like a wife. They can't go a day without talking through the day even though they live together. Advice plz

OP posts:

NoBaggyPants · 05/09/2019 10:13

You made the right decision for you.

He made the right decision for him.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong, sometimes family set ups mean that two people aren't meant to be.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 05/09/2019 10:13

Erm...

So reading through the lines.

You wanted to move in together, he said yes and suggested renting somewhere between you. That wasn't good enough for you so you pushed for him to kick his mum out so you could.move into his house.

Why was moving into his house important? Why not a place between you?

When he didn't do as you demanded you broke it off...

He had a lucky escape.

HeadLikeAFkingOrange · 05/09/2019 10:16

How do you know he owns the house, as opposed to just living with his Mum?

joystir59 · 05/09/2019 10:17

When I met my OH her mum was living with her. I moved in after the first year. 8 years later she still lives with us. It is absolutely fine. She does need increasing amounts of support but I am happy to fully share with this. We are family. It is what you do. She is my love's mum.

AuntieStella · 05/09/2019 10:17

He doesn't 'run home to mum' - he just goes home. He talks to her daily - that's fine. It's not to your liking, but there's nothing whatsoever wrong with it in itself

He has made it abundantly clear that his DMum is an enduring part of his life.

You have decided that is not something you can put up with.

Yes you did right thing by leaving.

Put it behind you, enjoy being single for a while, go out and meet new people.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2019 10:20

You made the right decision for you.

AmIThough · 05/09/2019 10:24

He was looking after his mom and was willing to live elsewhere with her.

You did the 'pick me' dance vs his mom. You were never going to win.

You don't like his mom and they're incredibly close. Sometimes these things just don't work out.

ForGoodnessCake · 05/09/2019 10:26

My Mil moved in with us 6 months ago, we all moved to a big 6 bed house together so it was fresh and a new start for us all, I lost my mum very tragically in 2017, I adore my Mil she is wonderful and so supportive, but I know I'm a minority - if it's not working for you now it never will, but don't try come between their relationship, it sounds solid. You'll never win

MashedSpud · 05/09/2019 10:28

Imagine when your dc grow up they meet someone who decides they don’t want you in their lives.

I read a lot on mn about women who don’t get on with their mil or cut contact but they don’t seem to realise that even though their partner or DH may agree just for a quiet life they will harbour resentment because it’s their mother. When that mother gets ill or dies that resentment increases. How can you share grief with someone who despised her?

Next time compromise a bit more.

Pinkbonbon · 05/09/2019 10:37

I think the real issue is that she is a dick, I wouldn't want a partner whos mum isn't nice and who he plays off against me everyvtime we argue. Sounds like he isn't very nice either.

However, without an engagement ring on your finger and a wedding on the horizon you should have been giving him ultimatums about kicking his mum out of the house. Ultimatums about running back to her and telling her your business, sure, but not about the house.

But tbf, it wouldn't have worked out anyway as you would have ended up putting up with her sh*t one way or another and that's no way to live so...you're probably well out of it.

Original poster

Jasmine24 · 05/09/2019 10:43

He has been saying for a year we will rent. Never happens. I didn't say me or your mother. I said I think.its time for us to make the next move and hard when your mum loves wirh you. He was never planning on renting wirh me.

OP posts:

Rockos · 05/09/2019 10:45

Of course he’s never going to pick you over his mum! She provides him with constant, free support and childcare! Not sure why you picked that fight!

MyOtherProfile · 05/09/2019 10:47

You did the right thing. He doesn't want the same kind of relationship that you want. Time to move on.

Original poster

Jasmine24 · 05/09/2019 10:48

At 34 your going to pick your mum over your partner after 2 years? Why? She is a 56 year old helathy women who had her life. So he chooses her forever. Doesn't make sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jasmine24 · 05/09/2019 10:50

God it a like I asked him to cut ties. I asked for us to move fwd with the relationship. Bit hard when we are not welcome there cause she wants him.all to herself. I can't compete with wife. I should be priority.

OP posts:

CTRL · 05/09/2019 10:52

You made the right decision.

His a mummy’s boy and always will be. His mum will always come before you and any future children you were expecting to have together.

Original poster

Jasmine24 · 05/09/2019 10:53

We didn't have kids cause he left me and forced me to abort.

OP posts:

MoggyP · 05/09/2019 10:57

It dies rather some no as if he was not that in to you, and all he was ever dangling was a faked future. You've said yourself that you realised he was never going to move in with you.

So yes, you did the right thing.

Yes, wallowing for a little while is OK when emotional post-break up. But please set a deadline for when you are going to stop raking over the past, and start your life moving forward into a new and better (and real) future

Banangana · 05/09/2019 11:00

I think the way you've written this is a bit unclear which is maybe why you've gotten these responses. I think the vast majority of women wouldn't be happy with this set up and it sounds like he had no real desire to start a family or a life with you. You've definitely made the correct decision.

AmIThough · 05/09/2019 11:21

In your initial post you said that he said you'll rent and she'll stay in his house, hence the confusion.

The man won't prioritise you and forced you to abort a baby. Why would you even still want to be with him?
You still have plenty of time to settle down, with someone who will prioritise you and give you what you deserve in a relationship.
Don't settle for him please!

leomama81 · 05/09/2019 11:30

It sounds like there is much more to this than his relationship with his mother.

But -

At 34 your going to pick your mum over your partner after 2 years?

Of course!! She's his mother, gave birth to him and raised him, has been there long before anyone else and - unless he plans to grow old with you which it sounds like he doesn't - will be there long after.

To be honest, anyone that was trying to make me choose between them and any member of my immediate family (and two years is really not a long time) would be out the door.

BarbedBloom · 05/09/2019 11:41

I understand actually. My now husband lived with his mother and she treated him like a surrogate spouse. She resented when we would want to do things alone and she didn't like anyone else cooking or watching stuff on television. It was very difficult actually, she was lovely but very territorial. He moved in with me and now I get on very well with her, but if he hadn't made that break it would have felt like there was three of us in the relationship.

There is a difference between someone living with their mum and the cases where they have become the substitute partner and those who haven't experienced this may not understand as much as those who have.

In any case, whatever anyone thinks, this wasn't working for you and you walked away, which is fair enough. I do suspect though that any future relationships he has are going to have the same issue.

1300cakes · 05/09/2019 12:01

I think you have been quite reasonable, except the part where you said renting with you while his mum lives in his house was unacceptable. I see renting together as a really good idea, especially at first, when both partners have seperate children, financial set ups, property etc.

Banangana · 05/09/2019 12:04

@leomama81 The OP hasn't said she wanted him to cut contact with his mother. Yes, it definitely doesn't sound like he was invested in the relationship so would likely never have moved in with the OP but it's a bit disingenuous to pretend that it's not completely normal and expected that the vast majority of adults will eventually leave their mothers and set up homes with partners/spouses.

Original poster

Jasmine24 · 05/09/2019 12:16

Again and I didn't ask him to choose..I asked for commitment. I asked for her to find her own place so we could make plans on moving fwd. That's not choosing between mother and spouse. That's normal in a 2 year relationship to move fwd. Not as a 3.

OP posts:

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