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Original poster

Left partner after he wouldn't move his mother out.

51 replies

Jasmine24 · 05/09/2019 10:10

I have been in a relationship for 2 years. He has one child 50/50 I have 2 kids fulltime. I have always talked about the future with him not so much him. His mother lives with him. 2 and a half years ago her husband and her separated and she won't move out. The other night I said will she move out so we can move fwd in our relationship. He owns the house. He said no. He said we will rent and she stays there. He is a serial runner. Everyrime we fight he runs home to mum. I ended up saying to him so she will be staying there for good and he said yes. So I ended it and he packed his atuff and left and never heard from him again. I have not been able to go over their most of the relationship and haven't been there for 12 mths cause she is not a nice person. I guess I'm question ing if I made the right decision or not. I'm 34 and wanting to commitment and a family. She is not ill works and is capable of having her own place but she does everything for her son kinds like a wife. They can't go a day without talking through the day even though they live together. Advice plz

OP posts:
leomama81 · 05/09/2019 12:25

Sure @Banangana, but OP used the exact words in her question, shouldn't a 34 year old choose a partner of two years over his mother? I answered that question, I think that's a very unrealistic and unnecessarily competitive way to view it. She might then say that she isn't asking him to cut contact but those were her words, and words are telling. She wants him to prioritize her over his mother, in whatever form that may be.

Answering that question honestly is not being "disingenuous". If any partner posed that question to me - a revealing one IMO - I would be horrified. I moved out when I was 18, but if anyone asked me to "choose" between them and my family - not my phrasing - that would reflect badly on them in my eyes.

It doesn't anyway sound like it is really his mother stopping him moving forward with OP, it sounds like he just doesn't want to, and OP making his mother the reason for that is a bit of a red herring. Of course, there would be absolutely nothing wrong with him moving out and renting with her and his mother staying in his house, that is his choice, he wasn't suggesting they all live together. The fact that he still hasn't done it appears to be about his level of commitment to OP, nothing else.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 05/09/2019 12:25

I asked for her to find her own place so we could make plans on moving fwd

So you basically said,
"Move her out so i can move in"

How is that not giving him a clear choice between the two of you?
You proved how much you loved him by chucking him when your demands weren't met.

What would be the next ultimatum?
"I want new car or I leave"
"I want new house or I leave"

So on and so on.

leomama81 · 05/09/2019 12:43

@Jasmine24 I think it is the fact you specifically wanted her to move out, rather than him moving out to be with you, that makes it seem more like you had a problem with her and did want him to "choose" you over her (your words, whether you used them directly to him or not). Why does it matter? You may not understand the practical reasons why it would have been better to do it that way, and it sounds like after the divorce he wanted to make sure she was ok going forward, which is actually quite admirable. But that isn't really for you to decide or weigh in on - maybe if you were married and having children, but clearly you weren't in that place, at least in his mind.

I do think you are scapegoating the mother and wanting to believe that she is the obstacle to you moving forward, whereas with your updates re him just constantly reneging on his promises to move out and making you abort (which is horrific by the way, I am very sorry for that and that is a good reason to leave him anyway) he is the real obstacle, not her.

MrsNotNice · 05/09/2019 12:43

I think you have the right to have a private dwelling with him when he and you commit to a long term relationship.

Did you guys have talks about long term relationship?

But also I don’t think you have the right to have a say what decisions he takes between him and his mother about her dwelling. His house his say and rules..

He might need to come up with a plan that works for everyone just don’t dictate your opinion on the matter..

“Move your mum out so I can move in” is very entitled and rude. It’s basically trying to prove to his mother that you are more entitled to the house which you aren’t necessarily.

To the spousal relationship yes you are entitled. But for his house, no.

MrsNotNice · 05/09/2019 12:45

I have a feeling there’s more to this issue and you need to dig deeper and solve the real problem. But right now the way you are approaching it doesn’t seem the most helpful to you.

But if you want to walk away from this relationship you probably should. Doesn’t sound like an easy way to live tbh and the communication about this sensitive topic doesn’t seem to be sufficient to ensure this doesn’t impact you negatively in the future.

fedup21 · 05/09/2019 12:47

He forced you to abort a baby?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/09/2019 12:55

He forced you to abort a baby?
Well then you are well rid of this one.
Move forward on your own and enjoy single life.
He was never going to cut the apron strings.
You would have had to be a 2nd mum to him.
Fuck that!
You did the right thing.

Drabarni · 05/09/2019 13:03

Forcing you to have an abortion, I would prosecute someone for this. It's supposed to be your choice Thanks
Move forward without him, you deserve better.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 13:07

Op, your posts are mixed up, you keep back tracking.

You say he offered a commitment and wished to rent with you. But for some reason you asked for him to kick his mother out so you could move in with him.

Then you say he was never going to rent with you. But you still asked for him to move his mother out of what is her home.

It's really hard to follow.

cranstonmanor · 05/09/2019 13:08

It doesn't sound like you were getting what you need out of the relationship, so it's good that you left him. Have a good cry, dust yourself off and go find the husband and get the family you want. You'll be fine in the end, just need to get over this. It doesn't matter what soneone else would have done, or if they agree with you or not. Deep down you know that this relationship didn't have the future that you were looking for. It's your life, you need to make the choices for you. Good luck.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 13:09

Sorry I'm confused still how are you moving on as a three as he was not suggesting you move in with his mother, he was suggesting you two get your own place? And how did he force you to abort?

Banangana · 05/09/2019 13:13

The OP has said that after he refused to move the mother out, he promised that they'd rent somewhere together while the mother stayed in the house he owns. She would have been okay with this but he wouldn't even do that. The problem is clearly that he was happy to string her along when he had no actual intention of living with her/taking their relationship to the next level. So yes, in this situation I would absolutely expect my 30 something year old partner to choose (living with) me over their mother and I'd consider it a red flag and end the relationship like the OP has done if they didn't.

PickAChew · 05/09/2019 13:17

If he forced you to have an abortion, how could ending things with him not be a good thing?

NameChangeNugget · 05/09/2019 13:30

I think you’re not suited and the relationship has run its course.

Not many people would put a boyfriend or girlfriend of only two years above their parents.

Why the rush into trying to force things on your agenda?

Aderyn19 · 05/09/2019 15:49

When you say he forced you to have an abortion, what exactly do you mean?
Is it that you ended the relationship and therefore felt you had no choice but to not go ahead with the Pg or are you talking about an abusive situation where you were coerced?

PeterthePainter · 05/09/2019 19:04

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the issue, the simple fact is that it's over. Forget it and move on. FWIW I don't think you two were truly suited and you have both had a lucky escape.

Gazelda · 05/09/2019 19:14

It sounds like a very difficult end to the relationship. And now he won't communicate, which makes it harder for you to come to terms with the situation.

But I think you have no choice but to leave it and move forward on your own, with your children. Lick your wounds, have some counselling if it would help over the termination.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2019 19:20

Incomprehensible

But 54 and had her life ?

Fuck off

stiffstink · 05/09/2019 19:34

I think I’ve lost track here...

You were together for 2 years, he lives with his mum who had lived there for at least 2.5 years (was it definitely his house or could it have been hers and he’s pretended, so he can’t actually make her move out).

He suggests renting with you but after a year he hasn’t taken any steps to actually do it.

You the. ask if mum can find her own place (ie she moves not him- meaning perhaps it’s going to come out that he doesn’t own the house or he just decides he won’t ask her to leave).

He then leaves you, you then have an abortion.

I think either he’s a liar and you’re well rid or he’s not interested in commitment and you’re still well rid.

Nicolastuffedone · 05/09/2019 19:44

She’s 56 and ‘she’s had her life!’ At 56??????

Raphael34 · 05/09/2019 19:57

How exactly did he FORCE you to have an abortion? Did he have a gun to your head during the procedure? I think you just like being dramatic op. So you ended the relationship because he wouldn’t kick his mother out of their home, and it’s also his fault you had an abortion because you couldn’t move into his house, even though he offered for you both to move into a rental together? Stop cutting your nose off when you can’t get your own way

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 05/09/2019 20:46

You're backtracking a lot, OP. You make it clear that your interpretation of moving forward in the relationship is you and your children moving in with him in his house and his mother moving out. You've stated yourself you have repeatedly asked if his mother will be moving out so you can move in and he has said no, and that was the last straw so you ended the relationship.

Firstly, I fail to understand women who cannot handle the fact that their partner has a good relationship with their mother. The sly digs you've made in this post are terrible and I wonder what you've actually said to him in person. Good on him for being respectful to his mum and not asking her to leave for a relationship of 2 years.

It seems quite apparent that moving forward for you only meant moving in his home, did you ever try and look at other properties with him? Or, was it constantly you asking for his mum to move out and move on with her life, because that is what it appears to be throughout your posts.

As for the abortion, how did he force you?

This relationship is not for you, so leave it be.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 06/09/2019 00:59

You dodged a bullet there. Mummy’s boy.

Shmithecat2 · 06/09/2019 01:16

@Jasmine24

So this is the guy that previously text cheated on you, has walked out on you about 20 times, changed his phone number in order to ghost you good and proper, as well as 'force' you to have an abortion, and won't have his mum for you? Seriously, wtf are you thinking? Why are you still even with him? Confused

Raphael34 · 06/09/2019 21:23

Well that would be a serious drip feed if jasmine is correct

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