Dating a guy who's in recovery. My head says no, my heart says......

[PineappleCrumbleandcream]

....maybe?
I've been on the online dating scene for a longgggg time.
Met a guy a couple of months ago & there was immediately a definite connection. We've been on about 7 dates & chat a lot. Things went up a level physically the other day (its been a while!) & that was great.
On date 1, he told me he doesn't drink and I've never seen him drink.
He said he had a problem with alcohol, weed and cocaine, started to do all 3 alone, realised he had a problem and stopped a few months ago. He was doing all 3 several times a week for a few years.
He doesn't go to any support groups.
I've never been out with anyone who is in recovery. I drink socially & have drunk in front of him in moderation - he said he isn't bothered & always says he doesn't miss the booze.
Wondering if I should step back and allow him to continue with his journey.
Anyone in recovery or dating someone in recovery care to offer your thoughts?

mums2girls that sounds incredibly horrendous & hard.
Everyone who's posted has really helped me to see the light, but especially you.
Thank you all.
I'm someone who was in a relationship with a narcissist in the past - he destroyed a lot of my self esteem & I really don't want to go there again.
Equally don't wanna be blamed for any relapse or other bullshit.
Thanks all. I could have easily ended up trying to 'save' him. I'm a bit like that.....

If only had I realised the problem facing me years ago with my alcoholic husband but I like many others thought I could change him.. Even having children has not changed him. Please get out whilst you can... Do not get into the situation I am now in with my h.

My ex was an alcoholic. He prioritised his drinking over everything including our children. I'd never put myself back in hat situation.

Please read "women who love too much" by robin norwood. Im afraid this relationship has red flags all over it, and im not one to judge given my history, but this book will help you view relationships differently and question that instant connection. Ive been there, i get it, and it can be very damaging for you. Please please take it slow with him and make sure YOUR needs are what you put first here

Ok just seen your latest post and glad to read that update. I really hope you manage to detach from him asap and put yourself first here 😊

My brother is a recovering alcoholic, been sober for 4 years now. He's stable enough that he would be a good partner for someone who understood addiction.

My brother also has a support group (not AA) he attends 'as needed' and seeks counseling when he feels the need. And he would tell you that he is an alcoholic, not that he has a 'problem with alcohol'.

This man you're involved with is obviously not stable and may never be unless/until he enters a recovery program, gets the help he needs, and confronts his addictions.

I don't think all addicts need to be treated as 'relationship pariahs', but I do think one needs to enter into a relationship with them with eyes wide open.

No, no and no again. I made that mistake. "clean for six months". And paid for it.
Give it a few weeks and he'll be engineering arguments to give him an excuse to go and get high.
Coke addicts are nasty, self absorbed little shits.

Ok, a slightly different viewpoint here but I am also in the early stages of dating a recovering alcoholic.

The difference though is that he has been sober 8 months, regularly attends AA meetings, has a sponsor, has taken steps to change his life since becoming sober and is very open and honest with me.

It's doesn't actually say within the 12 steps that you can't have a relationship for 12 months but I would be wary of getting into one very quickly with an alcoholic who isn't in a programme.

The guy I am seeing told me before we met in person that he is an alcoholic so that I had the option of calling it off before it really started but the positives for me outweigh him being a recovering alcoholic.

It's early days though, and if anything changes I will re-asses...as I would with any man, alcoholic or not.

Also no cocaine use in my situation.

Do you have children?

My friends husband uses coke. Apparently he was a regular user until a couple of years ago and then "realised" how bad it was. Supposedly was clean for a couple of years (before he married my friend). Friend has got some serious health issues and is currently unable to work, but husband has now"got depression", jacked in his job and.. yay... using coke again.... on one occasion, selling stuff belonging to her daughter while my friend was at her Mum's house one night and spending it on coke, then getting drug dealers knocking at their door demanding money as he had got some drugs on "tick".

Latest is he has got a part-time job and is blowing a large amount of it on coke. She's distraught and trying to pay her rent while he calls her worse than shit when he's had some of the white stuff and doesn't give a crap about her health problems.

I am not sure I would trust this man you just met at all. Drug users are selfish twats.

You've already noticed the selfishness.

There are two kinds of ex-drunks:

1. The not-really-recovered who tell you about their addiction on first meeting, are full of self-pity, and don't do much apart from trying not to drink.
2. The ones who drink their lemonade and get on with life.

@PineappleCrumbleandcream
Sometimes we need to hear a different perspective. I really believed he would change but like other pp have stated - it’s a rollercoaster for them and for us. Like an emotional ride you won’t ever get off until someone steps off.
Financially, emotionally and everything else will always come first to drug use. My ex lost countless jobs, come downs were horrific.. 3 days at least after a binge he’d swear and scream at us all. My anxiety would always flare up massively.

I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Don’t waste your time dating someone that could never give you a future. My ex also said he was “sober” and could do it “himself”. Always ended up lasting around 6 weeks before he’d hit it again.
I promised before if it become a regular thing again I’d walk, so I did.

I can be a rescuer too, but I’ve learnt the price that comes with it. I invested too much and lost much time watching my children grow due to looking after him. Something I’ll never get back.
It’s not our job to fix another person, only theirs. X

@Waytooearly has summed it up I think!

I think “in recovery” refers to someone who is actually attending a support group and/or individual therapy, and who has a period much more than a couple of months of sobriety - and who has also formed new hobbies and habits/cut ties with using and drinking friends etc - overall, completely changed the way they live their life and cope with emotions.