Dating a guy who's in recovery. My head says no, my heart says......

[PineappleCrumbleandcream]

....maybe?
I've been on the online dating scene for a longgggg time.
Met a guy a couple of months ago & there was immediately a definite connection. We've been on about 7 dates & chat a lot. Things went up a level physically the other day (its been a while!) & that was great.
On date 1, he told me he doesn't drink and I've never seen him drink.
He said he had a problem with alcohol, weed and cocaine, started to do all 3 alone, realised he had a problem and stopped a few months ago. He was doing all 3 several times a week for a few years.
He doesn't go to any support groups.
I've never been out with anyone who is in recovery. I drink socially & have drunk in front of him in moderation - he said he isn't bothered & always says he doesn't miss the booze.
Wondering if I should step back and allow him to continue with his journey.
Anyone in recovery or dating someone in recovery care to offer your thoughts?

Fuck that.
He's an addict - a dry one, but still an addict.

And that's assuming he isn't lying, which addicts do. And he's an addict.

Just run like your arse was on fire.

Alone is better than being an addict's carer and scapegoat.

I have a dear friend who's an alcoholic, he's been sober 3 years. He's a wonderful man and would be a great partner. He also doesn't go to AA.

Take it slowly as you should do with anyone. See how it goes, if you like him.

Thanks both.
Picsinred I have started to notice he talks about himself A LOT. Doesn't really ask that much about me or seem to have a lot of empathy.
Jennifer sounds like your friend is doing amazingly. This guy seems to have drunk/used way more recently. Might be a good time to give him the space for his recovery?
I'm really torn.

Run like your arse is on fire 🔥

You hardly know the guy and don’t sound like your too far in, I would never put myself into a situation where someone has been only off drink and drugs a few months

I feel callous saying it.

But.

That's very recent and it's not just 1 thing he's addicted to.

I wouldn't want to take on that burden.

Maybe just be civil for a while and see how it goes.

If you've already noticed he's very self centred then I can't see you're going to be in it for long once this honeymoon period wears off.

Run very fast in the opposite direction
Alcohol weed and coke. He doesn’t have AN addiction, he has 3 and is only interested in himself. That’s the true mark of an addict

Oh god, please run from this guy. I'll get flamed for this but "Doesn't really ask that much about me or seem to have a lot of empathy" plus being an addict are red flags for a narcissist.

Just the empathy thing would have me running!

PicsinredI have started to notice he talks about himself A LOT. Doesn't really ask that much about me or seem to have a lot of empathy.

Yeah they'll do that.
He's lined you up as carer and scapegoat extraordinaire. He'll start out by leaning heavily on you for support, soon enough hell turn nasty and everything will be your responsiblity and also your fault.

Naturally, it will be your fault and failing when he starts using again.

Hills are that way ->>> ⛰⛰⛰

In AA participants (if that's the word) are strongly discouraged from dating/relationships until they've been sober for at least 12 months.

It sounds a bit premature if he's got 3 addictions, hasn't been getting structured help and has only been dry for a few months.

OP.. been on & off with a cocaine addict for several years.... have to the best of my knowledge known him clean & using.. when he's clean he's lovely, when he's using he's a self centred arrogant arse who's only thought is to block out whatever is going on in his fucked up head with copious amounts of drugs... he has lost his home due to his addiction.. I have spent nearly 7 years of my life in love with him & wishing I was enough but I now know I never will be while he has this problem!!... I have very regularly dreams he has been found dead of an overdose but the sad thing is he has pushed so many people away who care about him the only way anyone would know is if he didn't turn up for work for a few days!!

Addicts can't be saved, they have to save themselves

"He's lined you up as carer and scapegoat extraordinaire. He'll start out by leaning heavily on you for support, soon enough hell turn nasty and everything will be your responsiblity and also your fault."
Listen to PicsInRed!!

No! Definitely not 'maybe'. The heart is stupid. All this trust your heart stuff is crap. It's fairy stories for children. Listen to your head. Your head is wiser and it's telling you the truth. He's bad news. Very bad news. Lining you up for an addictive merry-go-round where you live in a perpetual deprivation and reward cycle. Do you want a relationship where you are in competition with his inner 'demons'? Where you too start living solely for his lucid and present moments?

Run for the hills.

Your head is definitely right! As for the no empathy and not interested in you stuff, your heart ought to be having a rethink too!

I would have thought it is quite unusual for someone to kick 3 separate additions, alone, without any support, in just 3 months. If it was that easy everyone one do it! Are you sure what he's telling you is the whole truth?

Addictions, not additions, obs!

No. His recovery should be his top priority and you don't seem sure when he last used. I'd walk away now.

Thank you everyone.
Really glad i posted on here.
Certainly time to nip things in the bud.
He frequently tells me 'I'm really stressed, I'm really tired. Gets quite frustrated about small things. Since I met him, I've had a lot happening but rarely bring my negatives with me when we meet. He doesn't hold back with his stuff, or ask anything about my world, even when I've mentioned the crap stuff , he doesn't offer any support. None.
Like some of you have said, he's an addict.
Thank you ❤️

He targeted you and I think he attached himself to you leech like because you're an empath (empathetic person). You yourself may have rescuer and or saving tendencies; if so those need to be reined in sharpish.

Its time to end this relationship, not just merely nip things in the bud. This is really who he is; an addict and such are very selfish indeed.

Why walk away when you can run?

This man does not sound stable, he has not addressed his addictions in therapy/group therapy. He appears to be self-absorbed and quite frankly hard work.

Block, delete and bin

Stopped a few months ago and doesn't go to support groups ? No way !

Sounds like the substances are only symptoms. What he's really addicted to is himself, and he hasn't even thought about addressing that.

RUN. Run, Run, Run, Run, Run.

Addiction is closely linked to narcissism.

Narcissists are utterly compelling and charming and irresistible at the beginning. They mirror YOU back to yourself. You are being love bombed.

Barely clean, probably still using not in any 12 steps programme? Please listen to us and RUN.

Addicts and narcissists are looking for new supply. To get this they lie, manipulate, cheat, justify and blame. They are utterly without conscience.

Block him in every way you can and address what in you was pulled towards 'bad, mad and dangerous to know'.

Please end it. Do not set yourself up for a life with an addict. He's already showing a very selfish side by moaning about his negatives, how he is feeling etc, yet not asking about you. Get the hell away now.

Christ hell no! You'd always be wondering when he'd fall off the wagon. And he does t ask much about you but talks all about him? Nah.

He is not even pretending to be Mr. Nice Guy if he does not want to know about your life. Imagine those conversations a year or too down the line - all about him, him, him. Apart from the ones where its all your fault that he has fallen off the wagon. Run. Block him. He will be all surprised hurt, but he brings nothing good to the table.

From someone who has been with a cocaine addict for over 13 years. Please don’t.
My ex’s addiction started slow, nights out etc. Then weekend binges. Before I realised how bad it was he was sitting in his car til 3am doing it alone.
We separated for 3 years, he hit bottom. Built himself back up then our life turned really rocky and he hit the coke again.
I really needed him during that time but he was so self-involved with burying his head from the reality that he couldn’t face.
I really thought I would “fix him”. However, over the last year watching him do it to me & our children AGAIN after he’d lost it all once brought nothing but resentment. I had no respect left for him and called him all names under the sun.
Sadly, they are selfish, it’s all about them and their addiction will always come first. That’s just how it rewires the brain.

Please save yourself the heartache of getting involved.
Drugs & alcohol are now a dealbreaker for me when I do decide to start dating again, which I doubt I will.

Good luck x