How do we tell the kids

[Rainandspirit]

So short story I found out bout 3 mouths ago H slept with someone else. I tried to work it out but something just want right. Found out on Sunday that he had been on dating apps for about 3 years !! No going back from all the lies.
So I have told him he has to go. He has to come up with a plan about where he is going to live seeing the kids etc etc. But my biggest problem is how do we tell the kids. My main thing is that they try and get out of this with as little pain as possible. Any ideas or tips!! Kids 16,15,14,10

I think you should be honest with the oldest 3, show them that they dont have to put up with the same when they are older and that their mother is strong. The youngest however i would just say "mummy and daddy arent getting along and are gonna have a little break " So sorry for your situation op xxx

Really he needs to tell them, but you probably need to be there too to make sure he tells the truth

What does your DH suggest?
I agree that the older 3 will figure it out anyway.
My DD did at age 11. Decided, 'it wasn't rocket science' and 'was obvious' from my reaction what had gone on.
Just ensure he doesn't blame you for any of it.
My ExH wanted to tell our DD that we had fallen out of love..
No way was I taking any of the blame and I certainly wasn't going to allow him to lie to my DD about me and my feelings.
How 'young' is the 10 year old.
Often with older siblings they are more mature.
Will the other DC tell the 10 YO anyway?
In which case, tell them all that dad has done something unforgivable and is no longer able to remain in the house. It's not them, it's him!

My 10 year old is more like a 20 year old!!! I will be there when he tells them as think he should be the one to do it and no lies. i cant take anymore lies. I am not sure how i will copy with it all and to try to help them. They will be devastated by this. They know something is up as he is sleeping in the spare room at the minute and i am always sad. Thankfully they are all bad to school so i can brake down during the day and pick myself up for when they get home.
Thanks for your replys

@hellsbellsmelon how did your daughter take the news??

Just tell them the truth, they dont need lots of details. Dont let him put the responcability of the split at your feet.

Inform the dc's schools so that they are aware and can support the dcs. Do the schools have an in house therapist/counsellor that the dc can access?

Good luck Rainandspirit please be kind to yourself, eat often as you will need your strength. Soups and smoothies can help in times such as this. Try to get out for a walk every day if you can, it helps to focus ones mind and rest when you need to. Valerian root tea may help you to sleep better if you have problems drifting/switching off

Gather as much support around you and the dc as poss,

Dad made some poor choices that hurt Mum, after trying to work things out we’ve decided that it will be healthier for everyone if we separate - but this doesn’t change Dad’s feelings for you [DC], you will still have two parents who love you very much and we’ll work together to make sure your needs always come first.

I would try to leave it at that but make it clear that they can come to either of you over the coming days/ weeks/ months if they have any questions.

Good luck, you’re setting your kids a wonderful example by not staying in a painful, unfaithful marriage.

We have been honest with ours, a little older but I made him tell them the truth rather than making it sound like a mutual decision. My girls will never forgive him

@VulcanRay that would be what I would want to tell them but they will want to know what mistakes he has done and I don’t want to be the one left answering that question so I think telling them what he done(maybe not all of it) but enough so they understand would be better.
@stucknoue that is my biggest fear that they will not forgive him. Not that I am taking his side but for them to loss what they have will change them. I have until Sunday as I need to tell one person 1st so that I have support for me.
And yes getting out of bed doing normal things is just to much for me at the minute but I am stronger then I was 3 months ago and giving myself this week to adjust to what is about to happen will help me.

@VulcanRay - lovely wording.
OP ^ this.
As hard as it is, it's so important too to not bad-mouth the other parent.
I'm sorry you're going through this

She was pleased at first and laughing about getting 2 sets of presents and 2 Christmases and 2 birthdays etc.....
But about a day later the shock wore off and she was beside herself.
She couldn't understand it as we never argued or anything.
He moved country though and basically abandoned her and left quite the scar.
She was a hideous teen. Blamed me etc....
Then she hit 16 and turned into a lovely young lady.
We are best friends now.
But it took some time - I'm not gonna lie!

My ex and I sat down with our 3 then aged 19,17 and 15 and said that we were going to live apart for a while as we weren't sure we could live together any more. That it wasn't something either of us or any of them had done and that he would still be around as much as they wanted him to be. The youngest and eldest cried, the middle was philosophical about it. It was more straightforward as neither of us had had an affair and we decided to quit before we started hating each other - we were just ambivalent,.

VulcanRay is spot on

To answer your question OP I would keep the explanation really simple to begin with, as it gives you a safe baseline from which to gauge their reaction, if they want more detail then the pair of you can provide more detail accordingly. I agree though that you shouldn’t be left to provide all the gory details about the infidelity, so if they do ask I would maybe say “I think your Dad is best placed to answer that” (but maybe give a heads up to your ex that this is what you’ll be saying, so he can think about how he is going to explain himself).

Whatever route you go down both of you need to stress that point about having two parents who love them and something about you ‘working together’ to put them first etc.

The parenting plan on the Cafcass website is a good resource for parents who have recently split, and will guide you through some of the key things to think about.

I asked him last night what his plan was and he told me that his plan is to stay living in the house as we, not tell the kids and try work it out !!!! like WTF. I told him that that was not going to happen. 1st off i asked he to tell me the whole truth about what he has been up to. i want to know it all. ( all i know is what i have found out a bit here and a bit there) i want it all out in the open. Some people may find that strange but i want all the hurt and pain now and get it over and done with and also find out who he has become.
So i told him my plan is that i will cook dinner on sunday for us all and after that he is to tell the kids what is going on and then he is to leave. if he does not leave then i will leave and i will be taking the kids with me.
I cant stand the fact that he comes home every evening and is like nothing has happen. like he hasn't a care in the world.
And yes i and very very angry with him and i need to calm down for the sake of the kids. I dont want to turn in to the person who berates the father to the kids. They are my priority and the less hurt they get the better.
Thanks

What a head-in-the-sand total bloody coward. He has behaved despicably, if he refuses to leave you could consider applying for an Occupation Order to get him out, why on earth should you and the children have to leave? I hope he comes to his senses and leaves of his own accord, but the court is there to help if not.

@VulcanRay I think his thinking is that if he doesn’t leave we will carry on as if nothing has happen and eventually I will forgive him and he can live happy ever after and no one is any the wiser. He also knows that I will do anything to protect my kids.
But he has not banked on me been strong. I went for counseling after 1st finding out went about 6 times but felt it was not helping but I can see now that it did. I am stronger then I think and yes it will be painful on all of us but in the long run it is the best. I am the main Carer for the kids so their runtime will be the same .
I just hope and pray that I am strong enough to not let it’s turn nasty .

I asked my husband for a mans opinion he said time for you to take control by the sounds of it unfortunately, he had his chance to man up and deal with the situation and hes trying to weasel out of it Instead so you need to let him know you'll tel them yourself.... pains me to say it but I think I agree with him

As a 10 year old I remember my mum telling me and my twin sister that her and my dad were separating because they had been arguing lots etc. Not long after my dad told us we were going to have a baby brother, but not with mummy, with a new girlfriend. We were a bit confused because they didn't tell us before this that a new girlfriend was on the scene. Anyway we coped ok because my mum looked after us well and never bad mouthed my dad to us, even though he had an affair and broke her heart! We still saw our dad lots and met the OW lots over the coming years, as she was crazy and would knock at our house drunk (with baby!) and demand to see our dad, shouting "I know he's in there" etc.", even when he wasn't. It became a joke as we got a bit older and we would wind her up sometimes. She would ring the house phone and I'd say "oh yes he's just having a sleep on the sofa at the moment" because by then we knew the whole story and she was horrible to my mum, who she knew deep down was the love of my dad's life (not this OW!) but my mum couldn't forgive him.
So I would say yes, tell them the real reason and say "but your dad loves you very much" etc so that there is no bad feeling, they don't need to take sides. As others have said, you can probably be more honest with the older two, if they ask questions, just try to be brief with answers at first so you don't end up saying you hate him etc! Then you'll be the bigger person but they know the facts.

You are stronger than you think you are .

Mine were 10 and 5. We both sat them down and said daddy isn't happy living with mummy anymore. He loves them both very much but he will live somewhere else and they can visit and he will see them lots.

They both struggled but daddy quickly moved In With someone new (ow) and I just kept saying I didn't make daddy happy but x does. And that will make him a better daddy. My eldest saw through him from the start. And said I'm not stupid mummy as she was there at contact from day one.

Just keep saying he loves them but not you. And it is better for everyone to be happy. You will get through this.

Well my kids worlds have been ripped apart 😢😢😢. The plan was to tell them after breakfast but I knew by the way H was acting he didn’t think it was going to happen. So when breakfast was done I simply said that daddy and mammy has some news and that daddy is going to tell it. He just sat there and didn’t say anything. After about 5mins I said he has to say something as it was unfair on the kids. And he said he was not telling them so I told them that we both loved them very very much and that we were spilting up. They cried asked why again I said that daddy will tell them and again he wouldn’t so I simply said that daddy has Been lieing to me for a long time and he has hurt me very very much and we have tried to work it out but we can’t.
I didn’t tell them that he cheated on me as I think that really would kill them. Now H is angry at me because I told them!! He is also refusing to leave the house. I don’t know what to do from here. I can see it in the kids eyes that they are blaming me . They don’t want their daddy to go.
If there is anyone reading this that is thinking about cheating or is having an affair PLEASE PLEASE think about ur family

Even if your kids are blaming you they don’t understand & you need to do what is right for you. Can’t believe he is daring to be angry with you!

Oh rain that must have taken so much courage, well done. Your kids will be reeling, I really wouldn’t read too much in to their initial reaction. Once they’ve had time to collect their thoughts they will recognise that this is all their father’s doing, his absolutely spineless silence speaks volumes. Pathetic.

This man has caused an awful lot of pain and whilst this might not be part of a wider pattern of domestic abuse I think you should call Women’s Aid or Rights of Women ( rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/ ) who can talk you through your options.

Sending you strength OP

Just keep doing what you are doing. Do you have a spare room or can you go In With the children. Start to separate yourself from him. Don't do his laundry or cook meals. Let him know it's his weekend/day for the kids and leave the house.

Get legal advice. You can't force him out of the house but you can start to live a separate life.

Just keep telling the children you both love them but you and daddy can't live together anymore and things will change.

Tell school so they can support the children too. It is a shock for them. They will be ok. Well done for taking control. He is angry because he wanted you to be a push over. Start making plans and show him there is no backing away from This now.

Thanks for the messages. H is sleeping in the spare room tonight . Don’t think he is going to move out with out a fight . Youngest is very upset and doesn’t really understand. We had a chat at bed time and he asked lots of questions. One daughter is not saying much at all. They want him to stay in the house in the spare room . What should I do ?? I know that I want him to leave but maybe for the kids sake he should stay in the spare room. . What should I do ??