How do we tell the kids

[Rainandspirit]

So short story I found out bout 3 mouths ago H slept with someone else. I tried to work it out but something just want right. Found out on Sunday that he had been on dating apps for about 3 years !! No going back from all the lies.
So I have told him he has to go. He has to come up with a plan about where he is going to live seeing the kids etc etc. But my biggest problem is how do we tell the kids. My main thing is that they try and get out of this with as little pain as possible. Any ideas or tips!! Kids 16,15,14,10

Really feel for you OP, it must be so hard but you have done the right thing.
Maybe tell them that it's not fair for him to stay in the spare room because you don't love each other any more and if he lives in the house there will be more arguments etc. With time away from each other they can be part of two happy homes.
It will take time but they will adapt, it has just come as a shock. Just take each day as it comes.

Other people may have advice on how to get him to leave, as legally he is allowed to stay, which you are aware or I'm sure. Maybe change the locks, that's not illegal is it? Can you pack some of his things and leave them in his car or with a friend/family so he gets the message? He's probably just hoping it will all be forgotten about!

You need to be honest with them. Just say both of you have not been happy for a long time and you feel you and husband would be happier apart.
And of course it isn't their fault. They don't need all the details at this stage.
Keep them informed and tell them it will not affect their relationship with either of you.
Good luck OP

When we’re in panic/ survival mode we can’t access the rational part of our brains (the pre-frontal context). As the family unit has kept your children safe, fed and watered for all these years they (the kids) will absolutely be in panic mode right now and will want to maintain the status quo at any cost. It’s down to you to keep in mind the bigger picture, think about what they will be learning about relationships seeing you subjugate your happiness and wellbeing for a man who repeatedly lied and cheated, think about the long term impact on the kid’s wellbeing of living in a house with a tense atmosphere, the impact on their wellbeing will be compounded further when they realise that the reason you stayed under the same roof was because of them.

Separation can of course be very painful for children in the short to midterm but it will be nothing like the long term harm that can be caused by conflicted parents staying under the same roof. I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to stay calm, access the rationale part of your brain and make whatever choices you think are in your children’s long term best interests, don’t place the burden of decision making onto them, especially when they are (quite literally) not thinking straight.

I work in this field and have met many, many children who have lived with parental conflict over many years (often under the guise of ‘staying together for the children’) and the impact (in my experience, but also supported by research) is often not dissimilar to children who live with domestic abuse or substance misusing parents.

as legally he is allowed to stay, which you are aware or I'm sure

This is inaccurate, you may be entitled to an Occupation Order OP (assuming you’re in England or Wales, I’m not sure what provision there is in Scotland or N.I). One of the helplines I mentioned previously will be able to give further advice.

Be honest. SO didn't want anything serious and you did so you parted to find your ones :D

Spin it romantically but when pushed be honest lol

for the sake of the kids who are already terrified of what is happen. Changing the locks and not letting him in will only make them worse. It’s not there fault he cheated. They can’t be punished for his mistake. He is scared of losing his kids and that is why he is not going. I would never stop him from seeing them . I don’t k ow what I am going to do.

Sorry I didn't mean right now change the locks but if he is still there in a few weeks and makes your life unbearable and you just want him out, then you may need to do something more drastic. Sorry, am replying while at work, so doing it quickly. Of course you wouldn't want to upset the children more, when they have just found out you are splitting.
Hope you are ok!

sorry didnt mean to come across as cross!! @Happyornot jut really really struggling today. I am just for a want of an other word dead. My prefect little family has been ripped apart because of what . who knows as H will not talk to me. I need to go and get help as i know i am falling into depression and i need to stop that. My kids need me.

@Rainandspirit please go and see your gp. For some support. Don't be ashamed. It is a bereavement. And needs to be treated accordingly. Have a look for local charities to offer counselling. They can do so at a reduced rate.

Look after yourself. It is going to be a difficult year or so ahead. Just keep getting through each day as best you can.

Hope your ok OP, Please stay strong. You might need to tell the kids what really happened (the oldest ones anyway ) or they will be imagining possibly worse.

The fact that he is angry with you is a joke, What a coward

Lots of love and strength x

The problem you have is that your DH has been passive and therefore your DC think you have made the decision based on not getting on rather than him cheating. His silence is suggesting to them that you are the problem. I would have been honest as your DC will understand why your making the decision. Go and see a solicitor and start the legal process of separating

OP, I was 13/14 when my parents broke up, my big brother was a couple of years older and my younger brother a couple of years younger.

My parents brought us all into the living room where they were sat down together. My mum just said, "Me and your Dad are breaking up". She briefly explained what that meant for us in terms of immediate living arrangements etc and how it didn't affect either of their love for us.

I remember that vividly, there wasn't much to ask but there might be if living arrangements are complicated. I'd suggest sorting all of that before speaking with them and answering any practical questions while avoiding any questions about Why, just sticking with that there are differences you cannot get past.

The one thing that stands in my mind about my parents divorce is that neither of them badmouthed the other in front of us a single time. Not in that first 10 years anyway lol. They both blamed each other but not to us kids.

And I'm about a week behind.... Sorry OP.

Hope things work themselves out. Keep strong and in time this will all just be a footnote in your life, you deserve a man who isn't a selfish prick.

How are you doing OP?

Your children, at least the oldest 3 are well old enough to known that he's cheated and been on dating apps and that they also shouldn't accept this from a romantic partner. You can talk about trust being broken etc. 10 yr old is also old enough to know about trust being broken. By not telling them and him not saying, he's making YOU the bad guy and making it all your fault.
Don't let him.