Feeling like the most awful mum

[overwhelmedmummy17]

Hi there,

Sorry if this is a really long one, just needed to let off steam.

I'm mum to three children- 11, 8 and a baby. My older two are from my marriage and baby is with my new partner.

I've recently been disowned by my family- parents and siblings because I have decided to move in with my partner and they don't like him because he is a recovering functioning alcoholic.

Before my family knew my partner was an alcoholic, they hated him, although they've only met him once or twice, because I fell pregnant with our baby very early into our relationship and we didn't live together- my family thought he should have moved us all in together immediately.

Our relationship hasn't been conventional, he was in crisis while I was pregnant and I helped him get support and he's been doing well but while he was in crisis his behaviour towards me wasn't his best and I ended the relationship for a while because of it.

We are very happy, he's great with my older children and our baby and he loves us all living together.

This past month Ive had to endure countless calls and texts from my family where they aren't asking about what has changed, they just tell me I can't be with him, that i'm selfish, I'm ruining my children's lives, that I'm 'evil'.

My family judge me a lot because I ended my marriage years ago as it was unhappy. Life hasn't been easy since, I've been in a lot of money trouble, I've had cancer, I've moved areas three times and my children have each been to three different primary schools.

My family haven't ever been the supportive kind, in fact they like to judge without support.

For example- if I get a job they tell me it's going to be too much for me with the children and to stop having big ideas:
When I met my partner they wouldn't babysit at all and said I should plan dates every fortnight when my children went to their Dad's house. Then they criticised me for my partner meeting the children too early in their opinion

I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks but my family treat it as a severe mental illness, as though I'm unfot to make independent choices.

I was having a tough time with anxiety before the summer holidays and my family told me to send my children to my ex-husband. I just wanted support, not to give my children up.

Now I've moved in with my partner, two of my siblings- who have become friends with my ex-husband and his wife, have suggested to him he encourages the children to live with him.

I asked why that was and in a nutshell, they think I have lived a very self-centred life and think I'm ruining my children's lives. They also said they had to be there for me when I had cancer- as though I chose to inconvenience them with it. My mum also said she thinks my dead Dad gave me cancer to punish her (I don't understand this either).

So to sum up, I am feeling like the most awful mum in the world because I can't offer my children an extended family, they've seen a lot of hardships and I can't even begin to compete with the stable and we'll off life their dad has

Crikey. No wonder you have anxiety!! I’d suggest you go completely NC for a while, go get some counselling and see if that helps your mental health. That family dynamic is toxic! You and the kids are better off out of it!

They offer you no support so you don't need them in life. Get blocking their numbers, emails and on social media!

I can see why your family have concerns about the welfare of the children taking into account they have each been to 3 different primary schools and the fact despite many ongoing troubles you 'fell' pregnant early on in your relationship with an alcoholic.

Frankly this would have alarmed me if this were to happen to children in my family.

It does seem a bit of a chaotic life for them to be honest.

I hope you get the help you need. Your children should be your number one priority here .

OMG OP.
Your family sound vile and truly deranged.
Please consider NC with them.
They are not helping with your anxiety at all.
And your sisters...!!???? Wow - what bitches.
Cut them off.
Do you have good co-parenting relationship with your ExH?
Was it an amicable split?
If so then I suggest having a chat with him about what your disgusting sisters are saying to him.
Ensure he knows that you and the DC are happy and you are not going to give them up any time soon.
A 50:50 split may work? How would you feel about that?
How would the DC feel about that? Do they get on well with their DF and his wife?

You need the stately homes thread OP www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3677536-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-August-2019-onwards-thread

Update- I received a solicitors letter today stating my family have spoken to my ex husband to raise concerns and he's applying to take the children from me. I can't stress enough how hard I try as a mum, my children's needs are met and I go out of my way to find the club's and interests etc

Contact your own solicitor asap.
It might be a good move for you to contact Social Services as well.
They can put your case forward.
Don't be bullied OP.
Get all the professional organisations on board that you can.
Womens Aid can help as well. You have an abusive family and they can help with that.
Rights of Women may be able to help as well.
Either of these can help you with local family solicitors in your area and you may be entitled to legal aid as well.
Get phoning.
Get protecting yourself.
Your 11 and 8 YO should be able to speak for themselves so that will be good if they get on with your partner.
Has your partner had an relapses in the last 6 months?

I feel like this is all my fault because on my family's advice I reported my partner back in February for abusive behaviour. My best friend helped me over time to see it's my family who are and always have abused me and I'm just not used to support or love.
So my ex-husband is using that against me and us. On paper, my ex husband appears more stable- same job since 17, same house, married.
Me on the other hand- more jobs I can count, moved around from home town to two other counties.... I love my children. We moved so much because my ex-husband took the family home and equity, which is why he's so stable and I've been in debt. Shortly after the divorce I moved for a fresh start and I got cancer. He tried to take the children away while I was undergoing chemo. I moved after because my mum and sister said I should be nearer family and that they hated my friends where I lived- the people who actually supported me through cancer. So I moved but the moment I got there, I was met with a long speech from them both about having their own lives and not to expect day to day support.i feel like the worst mum in the worls

OP your family are probably terrified, you've moved in with a functional alcoholic. He was in crisis when you got pregnant, and you carried on a relationship. You have three children. He's been abusive.

I'm sorry but you need to grow up here and parent your children responsibly.

What did your partner do to you back in February that you believed at the time to be abusive?

You've definitely had a tough time. Based on what you've said so far, it's hard to see whether your family are concerned for good reason, speaking objectively, or whether they are acting inappropriately.

Your family are abusive.
It sounds like your ExH might be as well.
How did you come out with nothing but he got the house?
That makes no sense at all as you are primary carer for your DC.
You've allowed your family to keep abusing you.
They isolated you from friends and support.
I'm assuming you are now away from them and they have lost their punchbag / scrape goat!?
It doesn't matter how 'stable' your ExH is, the courts very rarely allow DC to be taken away from their mother full time.
Make some phone calls this afternoon.
Get some professional support.

What was your partners abusive behaviour back in February?
It must have been pretty bad for you to report it!?

I appreciate the comments about my family being concerned but please know my childhood was extremely violent and mentally abusive. My dad used to attack us and my mum would tell us to go and put ourselves back together and after to apologise to him. I don't think my family have a right to be anything

Your family sucks and have too much input into your life.

If they’re not going to support you, don’t engage. Enjoy the family you’re creating with your partner and your children.

You need to be happy. They’re clearly not loving and supportive. So take a big step back. Don’t engage in any critical conversations or actions.

You’re not a bad mum. They’re just toxic.

Hellsbellsmelons my partner bought a house for us all back in February- my family convinced me to see it was a trap and threatened alienation if moved. Every time I have an anxiety attack they tell me I should send me children to live with their Dad- the slightest thing 'concerns' them

Oh OP you are surrounded by them. My advice and what I did was to go to social services and do everything that they advise you to to keep your kids.

No wonder you have anxiety and panic attacks! Your family are hounding you to death like a pack of hyenas.
I’d honestly cut ties with them as much as you can. You cannot trust them one iota. Everything they tell you is to further their grip on you & isolate you from friends/partners that actually care about you.
You are not a bad mom. Your children are better off having no extended family than being sucked into your family.

All my life, every time I've made friends I was told they were weird and to drop them. So my family call me the weird one and I've earned a reputation for people thinking I'm volatile because it's become second nature to drop outsiders. I spent most of my time growing up being told my needs didn't matter, that I was being awkward. And by needs I mean being hungry or thirsty or wanting clothes or friends to come round to play

OP I would also recommend the Freedom programme. It will help you to see clearly and then to know what is best for you and your children x

When you posted back in June about moving in with him the overwhelming advice was not to do that. You said you asked your older girls and their preference was to move to a bigger house - just the 4 of you. What happened to change your mind?

but please know my childhood was extremely violent and mentally abusive
I'd already figured that out OP.
Some people clearly aren't reading your posts properly or they are ignoring the fucking blindingly obvious.

Have you had some counselling to deal with your upbringing?

Contact Womens Aid today OP!

It does happen that a family can hound one member until they make crappy decisions and then punish them for making crappy decisions.
I'm really sorry that that this seems to be happening to you.

However, you can't just say it's all their fault - your dcs rely on you and you need to start making decisions. It's all very well to say that your current P's only fault was to buy you a house - on your June thread, you said he called you mentally ill for challenging him about his decision and you felt that he was part of the problem. Your exH is also apparently you a relatively significant amount of maintenance.

I'm not saying this to berate you. I do think you should cut your family off. However, I don't think you should be rewriting history and positioning yourself purely as a victim. You're not making great decisions, it seems - you need to do some work on yourself to be the best parent you can be. Can you find some kind of counselling that might help you get your head straight?

*for challenging him about his drinking

Bibliomania- I don't think you're berating me and you're right to challenge my posts. My partner was calling me mentally ill because we would have a lovely time together, we would make plans, I'd spend some time with my family, they'd convince me he was wrong and I would get mad at him. He would see this as unstable. To give you a flavour of the kind of thing that goes ob- my mum would keep me off school for most of my schooling- she wanted the company. Now as an adult she tells me I was too sebsitive and lazy for school. I have panic attacks and my mum- if she knows I'm having one- will tell me it's because I've always had issues etc- then when the GP tells me I'm fine and just under stress, my mum will swear blind that's what she said.

Thanks for taking my post in the right spirit! It sounds like you are completely right in thinking your family are harmful to you. I would strongly urge you to go no contact or at least reduce it greatly. It also sounds like anything you tell them, they will use as a weapon against you. So no information to them at all.

If you can disentangle yourself from them, I think you will free up more mental space for the rest of your life, although it won't happen overnight.

Still not keen on the "mentally ill" comment, but that might be an issue for another day.