Feeling like the most awful mum

[overwhelmedmummy17]

Hi there,

Sorry if this is a really long one, just needed to let off steam.

I'm mum to three children- 11, 8 and a baby. My older two are from my marriage and baby is with my new partner.

I've recently been disowned by my family- parents and siblings because I have decided to move in with my partner and they don't like him because he is a recovering functioning alcoholic.

Before my family knew my partner was an alcoholic, they hated him, although they've only met him once or twice, because I fell pregnant with our baby very early into our relationship and we didn't live together- my family thought he should have moved us all in together immediately.

Our relationship hasn't been conventional, he was in crisis while I was pregnant and I helped him get support and he's been doing well but while he was in crisis his behaviour towards me wasn't his best and I ended the relationship for a while because of it.

We are very happy, he's great with my older children and our baby and he loves us all living together.

This past month Ive had to endure countless calls and texts from my family where they aren't asking about what has changed, they just tell me I can't be with him, that i'm selfish, I'm ruining my children's lives, that I'm 'evil'.

My family judge me a lot because I ended my marriage years ago as it was unhappy. Life hasn't been easy since, I've been in a lot of money trouble, I've had cancer, I've moved areas three times and my children have each been to three different primary schools.

My family haven't ever been the supportive kind, in fact they like to judge without support.

For example- if I get a job they tell me it's going to be too much for me with the children and to stop having big ideas:
When I met my partner they wouldn't babysit at all and said I should plan dates every fortnight when my children went to their Dad's house. Then they criticised me for my partner meeting the children too early in their opinion

I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks but my family treat it as a severe mental illness, as though I'm unfot to make independent choices.

I was having a tough time with anxiety before the summer holidays and my family told me to send my children to my ex-husband. I just wanted support, not to give my children up.

Now I've moved in with my partner, two of my siblings- who have become friends with my ex-husband and his wife, have suggested to him he encourages the children to live with him.

I asked why that was and in a nutshell, they think I have lived a very self-centred life and think I'm ruining my children's lives. They also said they had to be there for me when I had cancer- as though I chose to inconvenience them with it. My mum also said she thinks my dead Dad gave me cancer to punish her (I don't understand this either).

So to sum up, I am feeling like the most awful mum in the world because I can't offer my children an extended family, they've seen a lot of hardships and I can't even begin to compete with the stable and we'll off life their dad has

And don't think you're a bad mother if you "deny" your dc's an extended family. I don't think of my cousins/aunts/uncles as being a great gift to me from my parents.

I think you're right bibliomania, I do need to free up some mental space.
Hellsbellsmelons I called social services and am waiting for a call back tomorrow.

I think part of the battle ahead of me is dealing with how inadequate I feel while trying to convince everyone that I'm not an unfit mum. As you can imagine that's not helping me with feeling like I have capacity to be an above and beyond mum.

I have an uneasy feeling that some of the replies on here are not putting the welfare of the children in first place.
From the OP's replies it seems to me that they are in a chaotic situation which will not improve unless different choices are made.

Right now I think you need to stop worrying about your relationship with your family and focus on your children. Social Services are going to see a mum living with an abusive, alcoholic partner, new baby in the mix, other children in the home. History of unstable family life ( many moves, money problems).
Your ex is going to look like the parent more able to provide a stable home for your children.

It is still unclear what you reported him for in February to be honest. All that you have said is that he bought a large house.

Who did you report that to?

OP I'm sorry but I cannot understand why you have changed your position in respect of this partner.

I'm not going to say that your family are right to have concerns, because I dont think your family have a right to have an opinion at all.

But perhaps YOU should have concerns. You have moved your children in there, against their express wishes, he is an alcoholic plain and simple, and he has abused you seriously enough for you to have reported it, presumably to the police.

You need urgent help right now from professionals. There are going to be huge changes in your life over the coming months now that he has applied for custody and you will need to prove that you are able to safeguard your children.

You cannot continue to drift with the tide and not make conscious decisions right now. You need to put on your big girl pants and fight for your kids.

Sorry. But you do.

Do they want to live with their Dad?

I'm not going to say that your family are right to have concerns, because I dont think your family have a right to have an opinion at all.

They do have a right to be concerned. Who else would see whats going on in a family. We see too many cases of child abuse or neglect in the papers where family have turned a blind eye to what's going on . Grandparents in particular should be concerned and act if they feel that their grandchildren need help . That is a generalisation and I'm definitely not saying the OP's children are being abused but I am saying that the grandparents have a perfect right to be concerned about the situation their grandchildren are currently in. As a grandparent I would be vey worried if this were my grandchildren.

Yet my children aren't abused. They are loved more than you know. Yes I am guilty of moving areas but let's be clear on this, it's not as if I moved my children and didn't encourage and support them to make friend's and join club's. They do well at school and their attendance couldn't be better. I help out at school, I help with homework, friends come to play. It wasn't so easy before we moved in with my partner because the children and I were overcrowded with no outdoor space and absolutely no support network- those 'concerned' family members who live nearby wouldn't help with ever picking up the children, rarely had the children round- on one occasion I asked my mum if she could pick up dd2 from school as I was feeling unwell and she said she couldnt- when I got to school, my mum was walking her dog on the fields opposite?!
I don't think my partner is abusive. I think I have been struggling with bad anxiety for a long time and I had some unhelpful coping strategies. While some of you have said my children would be better with their dad, please know the so called steady life doesn't always make for a better parent. I don't think am environment where there's no rules is good for little ones

@pusspuss9

They lost their right to any opinion when they beat OP. They are unfit to judge OP who is doing her best.

OP your life is about to be judged by a court who can decide the fate of your children, not me or anyone else on here.

You need to look at your current situation objectively, especially the unknown event in February and how this may look to a court, regardless of the truth.

You are going to have your abusive ex and family against you and you need to make sure that you are on 100% solid ground as this is going to be a fight.

Sorry that you feel that I am judging you too, you have enough of that. But I HAVE been there and anything that they say will be weighed against how you present yourself.

Much love x

Hey chickenyhead- sorry if it seemed as though I thought you were judging me. I don't, your input along with all others is welcome because it's weighted in objectivity.
You're right, I've got some serious work to do to prove my case and as well as legal help, I think it's time to get some counselling too.
I don't want to 'win' or keep my children to prove a point- I want to make sure I am the best option for them to live with 75 per cent of the time, as they do now

@overwhelmedmummy17

That's because you ARE a good mum.

Stability is only one part of a much bigger picture. As the current resident parent (and if your kids wish to stay with you, which they likely do) you are in an excellent starting position. Being in counselling will also help.

You can do this. I didnt mean to imply that you were going to fight for something that isn't right, your ex was a control freak and this would not be good for them. I see it more as a fight for what they need.
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