Is it wrong to not like your Mother?

[Jan2508]

Hi everyone
I am here to rant and look for hope it what seems like a never ending nightmare.

I am mid 40's, happily married, one child.
My mother lives locally to me and I have one older brother who lives miles away with his wife.

Mother has always been very selfish and borderline narcissistic in my opinion. She is 76, lives alone but is not ill and is still very able. She has chosen over the years, to limit herself of friends or companionship. She doesn't speak to her only sister. We have been close but this has changed slowly since I had my child. She has been selfish, opinionated, pushy and caused a lot of upset for me and my husband. She is a very good Grandmother to my daughter but she isn't so kind to me. Some examples are...
Constantly telling me what I should do/not do
Telling us that she will childmind but not to go out enjoying ourselves.
Saying she could no longer childmind but when I got a friend to take over, she went mad saying she wanted to carry on for another few weeks, she swore at me and said horrible things about my husband.
The list goes on.....
She also plays games with me like we will make a date for me to take her shopping but she will change it, usually last minute. She then wants to go another day but if I have another commitment she says things to make me feel guilty. I live my life trying to please in various ways but always feel guilty.
The recent thing is....
We have decided to move house after a lot of thought. Mother has been very negative about it saying "nice if you can afford it" or don't move too far, don't leave me etc. I have battled through this untill today. I don't want to keep secrets so I told her that we had been to see some new homes. Her response was to listen and then say "I have been looking at council property near your Brothers house and I am considering moving". She asked where I was looking and told her honestly that it was the same area so still near my Mother. Her reply "well maybe I won't move then".

My brother is no better. He isn't such a nice person and I tolerate him. My daughter wanted to call him this evening to thank him for a gift. I called and he answered "what do you want, what are you calling me for" "hurry up I am busy" and trust me he was not joking. I told him why and of course his attitude changed. He told me that I should be going with Mother to a hospital appointment that she had made without my knowledge and I found myself having to justify why I couldn't (my daughter goes to a club that she loves and she would have to miss it and wait at the hospital for hours and my husband is working). I was not aware of the appointment until a few days ago. He told me that I should not be letting her go alone, even though it is only a non urgent routine visit.

I just don't know which way to turn. I feel like I can not live my life. I would always be there for her and I do a lot for her now but I have a family and a young child as well. I feel like I am not allowed to have a life unless she is involved. She recently asked me why we went away for 2 weeks and didn't invite her. Is it wrong for me to want things away from her?

I feel trapped and it makes me very tearful. I don't like feel this but will I get my life when she loses hers?

Please help xx

I can't answer fully at the moment, but will get back to you Just to say for now you need to pull back.You are not responsible for your Mum's feelings and it will never be enough what you do Trust me I wished I had realised earlier .

it will never be enough what you do

I had a moment in a shopping centre one Christmas when I realised this. Surrounded by all the happy people, I was tearing around attempting to find the exact thing I had been tasked to buy her - which of course didn't exist and even if I'd managed to get something approximating it she would still have done the catsbumface over it. So I bought her what I was happy getting - something I could afford and that was in front of me there and then rather than making yet another trip. And then I started to apply that to more and more of my dealings with her. Whatever I was going to do was never going to be right - and if it was, she'd just move the goalposts. There was never going to be a That'll Do, Pig moment.

Of course she didn't tell you about the hospital appointment, in case you'd changed your plans and taken her and she'd have nothing to complain about. Of course she's going to whinge about you moving - imagine the support she gets from telling everyone you are abandoning her (not that you are.) Of course she's going to piss you around over childcare - she can complain to everyone how you are taking advantage of her and how ungrateful you are, and without actually having to do any childcare! It's a win-win.

Have you heard of the expression dropping the rope? You don't have to play the game.

OP, get the book “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward, and check out the “But we took you to stately homes” thread here in MN, for people with abusive parents.
You have tolerated this situation for far too long. You need to establish healthy boundaries with your mother, and if that proves impossible then you have to cut all contact.
Your mother is playing you like a fiddle. She sets you up to fail, you try desperately to please, nothing you do will ever be good enough. She gets her satisfaction from putting you down. As a PP says, stop playing her game.

It's not wrong to dislike your mother.

It's sad that she hasn't made more effort to be a good mother to you, in order to nurture a good relationship with you, but that's not your fault.

My own mother is very similar to yours. I actually had no contact with her for three years not so long ago because she tried to force me to choose her wants over my son's needs. I lost my temper and told her a few home truths, then told her not to contact me ever again. I had a blissful period of peace and quiet, without guilt, without stress. No more whining phone calls, no more demands to have things done for her that she could easily do herself (or get one of my 5 siblings to do!). I got in contact when I felt ready and laid down the terms for it that I was comfortable with.

You don't have to like ANYONE, even if they're family. You're not obliged to put up with her nonsense, nor your brother's. Do you think they agonise over what you think, how you feel? Of course they don't. So you do the same.

It'll be hard, because they're used to using you. You'll get blamed for all sorts (all untrue) and they'll probably ramp up the guilt trips and demands. But stand up for yourself, establish your own boundaries, and stand firm on them. You'll feel so much better.

It is really not possible to have a relationship with someone like this and she has continuously set you up to fail. Am not all that surprised that your boundaries re her are practically non existent; she sees you as an extension of her so has encouraged you not to have any.

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way. Like many now adult children raised by such people you have been trained by her to serve her at your overall expense. What you write of here is very typical even down to the seemingly more favoured sibling and you also seem mired in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

She was not a good parent (an understatement actually) to you when you were growing up and she certainly is not a good example of a grandparent now. You also need to be aware that if she is too difficult, toxic etc for you to deal with, its the same deal for your child too. You also need to keep her well away from your child because your mother could go onto harm her in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have yourself been harmed. She could well turn your own child against you.

Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend?.

You do not need either your mother or for that matter your brother in your life. They do not care about you and both treat you abysmally.

I'll give the same advice I gave on another thread.

Accept that this is who she is.
Accept that it is poor, she is wrong and it's not your fault.
If you say this to either of them, they will deny it but theyd be wrong.
Back off.
Tell them why when they realise you e backed off? Maybe, if you can be arsed. But again, expect them to disagree.
Engage with an honest understanding of the fact that it will cause you a degree of harm.
Get head round that...
Maximise what is positive in your life as this gets minimised. Observe life get better.

X

Ditto your brother. He’s treating you appallingly. Go over to the Stately Homes thread, you’ll feel so much more in charge of your life once you realise that it’s possible to put your needs in a place of importance.
You don’t need to feel like this, there’s another way. 💐

My mother and I were not close. Her parenting consisted of martyrdom and guilt tripping. It worked well for a variety of reasons I’m not comfortable divulging.

She was a great nana to my children but I was definitely emotionally distant from her over the last 15 years.

She died last year. Unexpectedly. That was hard on our family. Mum was only child, divorced 30 years ago and my sister and I are her only children.

If you asked me and my sister to describe our mother and the relationship we had, you’d truly believe we were talking about 2 different people.

I didn’t cry. I’d already grieved the person I needed that she wasn’t. I still feel detached. I also feel I should feel guilty about that. But I don’t.

Blood does not mean we have to love or even like someone.

Oh WOW. Thanks for all your comments and advice. I have been feeling this way for years. It's now at a head.

My brother actually lived with Mother for years until he got married and left. It then got worse. She makes excuses for not wanting to get out and make friends "They are not my sort" etc. When she meets people she goes off them within a few weeks. She imagines that people are doing things against her. I use to think it was depression caused by being old and alone and she is on tablets, but I am not sure now.

She used to be very involved but I have started to move away and put down some boundaries. I had too for my own mental health.

She tells me when I am away on my holidays that she gets depressed. This year, when I came back, she told me about a day she had where she knew her life was coming to an end, just a feeling, she said. She doesn't even care that this upsets me. What was the point in telling me this. Oh, I know, to make me feel guilty for having a nice holiday without her.

The list is endless and there are constant tears. She isn't always like this, she helps out if I need childcare, she has helped financially but I am now realising that she will do this because it's about her being needed and in control. I feel so bitterly disappointed. I try to think about why she is like this, where did it come from, who let her down?

I sometimes feel like I am making it all up. She is nice at times and I feel so guilty for thinking bad things about her. I ask my husband over and over "is it me, should I feel this way" He says yes!

I feel my life is ebbing away and I have never really done what I want without being scared, worried what she will say or do. I have been told these things so many times, they are engrained so deep. "I will not be going in a home when I am older", "Don't move away from me", "I have been so poorly since you left" etc etc

I just can't end the relationship totally. I am not strong enough or willing right now. I know I have to do something but I don't know what. Do I not call her as often, visit as often, end conversations when I have had enough?? What do I do?? I know the behaviour is wrong but I am not sure how to deal with it on a daily, practical level.

Thank you all again for some really thought provoking ideas and advice. I have no one else to talk too that really understands. My friends just don't get it as they all have good relationships with their parents.

I don't like mine either. I think she is also a narcissist. I am not sure how I will feel when she dies, but she has totally failed me as a mother. Somehow I always keep hoping things will change, we will resolve things. I am so , so hurt about so many things.
Like you, my sister views her completely differently. That hurts. My sister can do no wrong and has had the mother she needed. I haven't.
The awful thing for me is I now feel angry if she gives any of her estate away instead of leaving it all to her children. I have never had anything from her and it feels like being cheated of the last thing I could have had as her child. It makes me feel guilty.

MMadness. Thank you for sharing your experience. My one fear is guilt. When she passes away I can not have any guilt for the way I dealt with her and the situation. I should walk away but the guilt would destroy me. My Brother and I are not close. But he is just like my Mother. He says what he wants, offends, has no friends and is a complete pessimist. There are not many people that like him.

I know that what ever I do will never be good enough for either of them. I am not good enough but I just can't detach myself because I will never shake the guilt. I hope that makes sense xx

Sconesat4
Do you think your Sister just doesn't realize it yet. I went for years calling her my Mother and bestfriend. It was only when she felt that our relationship was being compromised eg. I got married, had a child, that her behaviour changed and I started to see a different, nasty side to her. Whilst I was going along with things, the relationship seemed good.

I remember telling my husband years ago that Mother used to steam open our post, listen to calls. He was so shocked but I did not understand what all the fuss was about. Isn't that just what happens??

I think this is a great forum to air out issues and it has definitely made me think xx

I think we have been conditioned to think it is normal behaviour.I am 50 and I know I have given up my dreams and compromised my own family putting my mother first. Two of my siblings are no contact one is low contact. I live in the next road and had guilt and tears about not moving. She started trying to bad mouth my husband this Christmas ( he did everything for her) xand throughout the year her behaviour to me has deteriorated. I think I am the last man standing.Please don't get get to this stage.My Mum is 87 and I will help,but any bad behaviour,insults etc I back off. Boundaries are key.x

She is responsible for her happiness not you. She has made choices that has led to her situation and again that was not you.

Thanks you for coming back to my post Moodyred and thanks for your comments Newgirls.

I have definitely been conditioned. I just can not believe there are so many of us. I know now, more than ever, that life is short and that I have not done half of what I want. I wanted to study Performance Arts at college and she said "you will never get a job doing that, you need to do a typing course" so I did and now I regret not just doing what I wanted in the first place.

I try every day to not be like this with my daughter. We all have our faults but I try and learn from mine and become a better person. My Mother, on the other hand, can not see any of her faults. She actually feels she is entitled to her say, her opinion. Her favorite thing to say is "I have a right to say what I want and if you don't like it...."

Just knowing I am not alone is a big help xx

Jan2508 I think now you have acknowledged it you will naturally withdraw. Hav a look on the Stately homes thread honestly it is an education on how many of us there are x

@Jan2508
Sadly, I don't think my sister will recognise that side of my mother even if she sees it. She has a lot invested in believing the script that i am the black sheep and my mother is the wonderful caring person she believes her to be. Mainly because she leans on my mother for money a lot.
I am the outsider in the family even though I do the most for my mother. It's exhausting.

Sconesat4 you’d also get a lot of help and support from the Stately Homes thread. There are steps you can take to take some control back.

I don’t like my mother.... she grew up not liking her mother and in fact didn’t talk to her or see her again until her mother passed away...after having my child it made me realise I have to establish some boundaries as I don’t want the cycle continuing with my own children.

I’ve been NC with my mother for over 10 years now. I am sad I don’t have a mum in my life and my DC don’t have a grandmother but not sad I don’t have her in my life. She truly was toxic, I gained nothing positive from her just a lot of negatives. I believe she’s a narcissist too and jealous of me so could never bring herself to say something nice to me.

Sweetkitty, I think that is true of many toxic mothers - they see their daughters as competition, they don’t love them. It gets particularly nasty when the mother is hitting the menopause and losing her youth and looks, just as the daughter is blossoming as a young woman and getting a lot of male attention, provoking maternal jealousy and an urge to undermine and criticise the daughter.
You can never repair a relationship with a narcissist. They never admit they did anything wrong - they are perfect in their own eyes, and it’s always someone else’s fault.
As for the rest of the family colluding in the abuse, or labelling you as the black sheep - look up the phrase “flying monkeys”. You’ll see it a lot on the stately homes thread.

I must say I do feel better having been on this forum 😁

I know I am not the only one. I am in contact with my Dad and he is a good person but since my parents divorced, he has a life of his own and boy does he live it now. He has loads of friends and goes away a lot. He knows what Mother is like but he doesn't offer me much support. We have never been that close really.

We all went on a cruise, for our wedding and she drove us all mad. Complaining to everyone and making all the decisions. I wouldn't mind but my Father paid for her to go!! One evening, in the restaurant, our then 3 year old couldn't settle in her pram. She cried and cried and we were not sure what to do as my Mother insisted on dining there instead of the child friendly buffet. Mother got mad a stood up and said she was going to take her out of the restaurant. My husband told her he would do it and told my Mother to stay. She got quite annoyed by being told and walked out. She went to the casino where she knew we couldn't enter as we had a child with us. We search all around the ship for her with empty bellies! My Dad found her eventually as she was not happy. In the end I forced my husband to apologise to her for the sake of our wedding day a few days later. And that is just one example!!

I don't call or text her as much now. I even leave it a while before I reply to her but she doesn't call me or text me very often. I have stopped having her over as much and I offer my help once and that's it. I don't ask after her health as much as I did as this is like asking for trouble. I once went away on holiday and she had been ill just before. I called her whilst I was away and she told me, point blank, she had cancer. Turns out, she didn't! Not sure what happened there then but I wonder if it was because selfish me had taken a holiday!!!

I bet it was yes, to punish you for not 'not' going on holiday...

I think claiming to be ill is a fishing technique - prob more on this in the stately homes thread.