Is it wrong to not like your Mother?

[Jan2508]

Hi everyone
I am here to rant and look for hope it what seems like a never ending nightmare.

I am mid 40's, happily married, one child.
My mother lives locally to me and I have one older brother who lives miles away with his wife.

Mother has always been very selfish and borderline narcissistic in my opinion. She is 76, lives alone but is not ill and is still very able. She has chosen over the years, to limit herself of friends or companionship. She doesn't speak to her only sister. We have been close but this has changed slowly since I had my child. She has been selfish, opinionated, pushy and caused a lot of upset for me and my husband. She is a very good Grandmother to my daughter but she isn't so kind to me. Some examples are...
Constantly telling me what I should do/not do
Telling us that she will childmind but not to go out enjoying ourselves.
Saying she could no longer childmind but when I got a friend to take over, she went mad saying she wanted to carry on for another few weeks, she swore at me and said horrible things about my husband.
The list goes on.....
She also plays games with me like we will make a date for me to take her shopping but she will change it, usually last minute. She then wants to go another day but if I have another commitment she says things to make me feel guilty. I live my life trying to please in various ways but always feel guilty.
The recent thing is....
We have decided to move house after a lot of thought. Mother has been very negative about it saying "nice if you can afford it" or don't move too far, don't leave me etc. I have battled through this untill today. I don't want to keep secrets so I told her that we had been to see some new homes. Her response was to listen and then say "I have been looking at council property near your Brothers house and I am considering moving". She asked where I was looking and told her honestly that it was the same area so still near my Mother. Her reply "well maybe I won't move then".

My brother is no better. He isn't such a nice person and I tolerate him. My daughter wanted to call him this evening to thank him for a gift. I called and he answered "what do you want, what are you calling me for" "hurry up I am busy" and trust me he was not joking. I told him why and of course his attitude changed. He told me that I should be going with Mother to a hospital appointment that she had made without my knowledge and I found myself having to justify why I couldn't (my daughter goes to a club that she loves and she would have to miss it and wait at the hospital for hours and my husband is working). I was not aware of the appointment until a few days ago. He told me that I should not be letting her go alone, even though it is only a non urgent routine visit.

I just don't know which way to turn. I feel like I can not live my life. I would always be there for her and I do a lot for her now but I have a family and a young child as well. I feel like I am not allowed to have a life unless she is involved. She recently asked me why we went away for 2 weeks and didn't invite her. Is it wrong for me to want things away from her?

I feel trapped and it makes me very tearful. I don't like feel this but will I get my life when she loses hers?

Please help xx

OP, your mother is awful and clearly you have no peace in your life.

I think speaking to someone professionally would be very helpful.

I think you should consider moving further away and putting a real physical distance between you.

Do not underestimate the stress she causes in your life and the impact that has on your family life.

I think there is nothing wrong in putting your family's happiness first and leaving her to it.

Save yourself 💐

She sounds very similar to my mother OP. I'm NC with her at the moment and it's much better. Like you I only had the realisation in my 40s - before then I lived my life trying to please her. Which I never managed really.

The Stately Home threads and the Toxic Parents book will help - you'll see that you aren't unusual and it's not your fault. Eventually you'll see through the FOG (fear obligation guilt) and break free. It's liberating!

Have you had any counselling OP?

I don’t think it is wrong not to love someone who treats you so badly, @Jan2508. It shows that you love and value yourself, and won’t accept bad treatment from anyone.

I don’t think I love my mum. I can’t get over the way she ignored me and didn’t help me when I was bullied for years at school - even though I told her, in tears - and became clinically depressed. She either didn’t notice how withdrawn and unhappy I was - or didn’t want to notice because then she’d have had to do something about it.

No, I haven't tried counseling but wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment. I have wondered if it would help. But to accept that I need counseling is to acknowledge that there is a problem. Now that is difficult for me. I know how I feel and I know that what she does is not right but I feel very, very guilty just having these negative feelings about her. Because my feelings are so up and down. When I am with her, she generally upsets me but after I have had a period of abstinence, I question her behaviour and wonder if it's me being touchy or harsh. Then I feel sorry for her and bad about myself.

Now, I must point out, that I do love her. She has shown great kindness and love throughout my life. I just don't like the person she has become and the way she has behaved towards me. It is such a mix of feelings and emotions.

I understand that she is lonely and that things are different these days. She has no neighbours to chat too and it is true that our elders are isolated somewhat. She has become depressed. She has started with a bit of social anxiety. She fears crossing roads after a near miss. BUT she doesn't help herself and I wonder if she does this on purpose. It is a manipulation tool. She had counseling. Went for 1 session, did not like the Counselor and never went back!

She wanted a dog and spent 6 months deciding. She called and texted me constantly for months, should I or shouldn't I (she can't make a decision at all). I gave advice and she decided she would have it. My husband drove miles to get this dog. She took it home and that evening she texted me to say she had made a mistake and didn't want it. I was angry at her and told her she would need to call the previous owner and arrange for the dogs collection. The next day she took it for a walk. The previous owner had told her to give the dog a few weeks to get use to her and her house. It was a farm Dog and not use to a lead that much. Mother took it out anyway, it slipped the lead and ran away. When I turned up, she was in such a state, shaking and saying she had wet herself.

I went out every night with my daughter putting up posters, searching for the dog. I asked why she took the dog in the first place. Her answer "because you really wanted me to have it". She said she felt like she was letting me down by not taking it. It was months of endless calls and weeks of upset for me only to change her mind the first night she had it. This is how Mother is. We run from one drama to another.

My husband also points out that when she is talking it is always about how horrible people have been to her or how hard done to she has been. He has a point.

I have not spoken to her all week but I am already feeling like I need to check in with her. I wondered if it would help if I limited the contact in the week eg texting and kept my messages short. Then called her once a week to see if she needed any help with shopping etc. My plan is to keep things short and just talk about general things. I don't want to tell her what I am doing. She does see my daughter at least once a week and I do not want to stop this. Any thoughts?

@Herocomplex

Thanks, yes I have posted in the past but not got much if any response. It is so long and involved it can be a bit intimidating!

@Jan I have sent you a PM.

Hi Scones glad to see you over there now. I agree it’s intimidating at first. Even reading the first post on the SH thread gave me a wake up call to start making the changes to my approach. Hope you find the strength you need to break out of the destructive pattern. X

Jan

I would keep your child well away from your mother. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and such people do not morph into nice and emotionally healthy grandparents either.

It also sounds like you are her scapegoat for all her inherent ills. She had you and your H running around after a dog that she really had no interest in having or keeping. Drop the rope she keeps on holding out to you; her main interest is her own self and having you people run around after her to no good end or purpose.

BACP are good and do not charge a fortune; I think they have a sliding scale. However, if you do see such a person you need to find someone who fits in with your approach (these people are really like shoes and you need to find someone who fits).

Would suggest you read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the Out of the Fog website.

Has anyone read The Chimp Paradox? There is a bit in there about Snow White syndrome - a mindset where you think the world is against you, harder for you etc. Not sure why Snow White gets the blame on that one but it did remind me of my mother and the ops mother. The lack of taking responsibility for one’s own life and choices.

Well I just called my Mother. Amazing what a week of low to no contact makes!! She was very, very happy 🤪. She asked about me and there was no moaning or feeling sorry for herself. I am in shock but I am l learning and understanding her behaviour. She doesn't hear from me and this worries her. She thinks what will I do if she has fallen out with me and doesn't contact me for a while so when I do call her she is extra nice so she can draw me into a false sense of security. When she has done this and things are back to normal she will carry on with the manipulation, control and guilt tripping etc. I am not saying she thinks this in her head in a calculated and conscious way, but it's definitely ingrained in her and normal. It's just the way she is.

So now you know OP. Low contact is the way to go.
As parents we have no right to our children.
Treat your children well and do your best and hope that they will want to spend time with you. That's about it I think.

I met a woman today who shares a sport with her young adult son. She had just won a big sporting event.

I congratulated her and said to her to enjoy this moment and great achievement.

She said how blessed she was to be able to still share time with her 22 year old son and how lovely it was that he wanted to stay celebrating with her. That for her was the real achievement.
Truly a gift.

We don't own our children and as adults they don't owe us anything.

We can just hope that we have forged a relationship with them that they also enjoy.

billy1966 what a brilliant way of thinking about it. That's made me think! It's right, we don't have to be beholden to our parents or anyone else for that matter. I have decided to keep it low contact. I can not give up entirely currently. I am not going to discuss my business with her anymore and I am going to continue to read up about this issue as it has helped enormously over the last few days.

As for my Brother, I am.not bothering with him. I certainly will not be calling him again unless it is an emergency call about Mother.

Thanks everyone for your understanding and kindness. It has helped more that you will know xxxx

Jan2508 so glad the thread has helped clarify a few things for you.

billy1966 that rings true to me. I have dss 19 and 22. They both still socialise with me sometimes and the 19 year old came away with me for a few days in June. It's a lovely feeling. They've always been encouraged to be independent too though and have lives away from home.

Please consider going low or no contact. My friend has a mother like this. She stopped giving in to her and being drawn in. When the mother realised she wasn't getting her attention here, she cut contact. My friend was, and still is, sad at times but she is free and living a happy life. Her sister, on the other hand, is stuck with the mother who is round there all the time and sucking all their energy and making everyone unhappy.