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Original poster

Is he having an affair?

29 replies

Lovingmumof3 · 03/09/2019 20:58

I'm new to mums net and need some advice!
I found some text messages a few months ago on my partner's work phone between himself and a colleague. They were very flirty and sounded like they were quite close. I immediately confronted him, demanding to know what they meant.
He was completely apologetic, saying it was just drunk talk one evening and that they were just friends and that they talk a lot about work and other stuff too.

She reports to him, so there is still the need to communicate, and she lives in another country, but seeing as they both travel abroad a lot for work there are opportunities to see each other at meetings, conferences etc. He assures me that they just talk about work nowadays.

Since then, I have become a snoop and keep checking his phone whenever i can get hold of it. He keeps it very close, hardly ever unattended. They talk on WhatsApp and he deletes all of her messages now - saying that he knows I don't trust him completely and doesn't want to aggravate that by keeping messages from her - to make me more angry.

I have seen the odd message from her "TOY" or "TOY my love" = thinking of you?
He assures me that nothing physical has ever happened between them, and that I am wrong about them. He still tells me he loves me and he is still interested in being intimate regularly. It's now me that's pulling away as I feel i Cant trust him.
The other day I found a rather nude selfie photo (not raunchy but just standing in front of a mirror) of a lady in his deleted photos - her face was not visible but I suspect it is her.
So now I'm going crazy internally. Cant eat, can't sleep etc. I can't talk to him about it because I feel like I need more 'proof' before I can confront him. But I can't get proof as she lives abroad and his phone is usually always cleared. If they are having an affair, then its happening when they both travel.
We have been together for 14 years and he has always been the love of my life. I have always been completely trusting, maybe even a little naive.
Am going crazy here, What should i do?!?!

OP posts:
Bedsheets4knickers · 03/09/2019 21:13

No you are not going crazy .
The trust is broken already he's deleting messages .
Either call it a day now or pretend everything's fine and wait 6 months then check his phone again when he's stopped bothering to delete all the messages .
I'm sorry you are going through this x

litterbird · 03/09/2019 21:16

It sounds like he is having an emotional affair which is as damaging as a physical affair. You have found plenty of evidence for behaviour which I would find unacceptable in a marriage or any partnership. Quite often when its just an emotional affair men and women down grade it as just a bit of fun but the damage is utterly devastating for those who find out. Whatever is going on your radar and your gut is screaming at you that something is wrong......and it is. This needs to be aired carefully and you both need to work it out to find out why he feels the need to text this lady so much. So sorry you are going through this, its absolutely heart breaking for you.

MrsMozartMkII · 03/09/2019 21:38

He's doing things that I wouldn't accept from my DH. Would he accept it from you?

This is no way to live your life lass.

RosieCockle · 03/09/2019 21:59

That does not sound good tbh.

You can either lay low to wait to find more evidence or end it now because you don't trust him.

tellelle · 03/09/2019 22:04

Are the messages definitely being permanently deleted or are they archived? (If you swipe down at the top of WhatsApp you can see archived chats)

DarkNightDelight · 04/09/2019 00:00

You don't delete messages if you're not hiding something.

Hidingtonothing · 04/09/2019 00:06

Have you gone into his photos and checked the WhatsApp and Recently Deleted folders for other pictures they've sent to each other? Other than that I'm not sure there's much else you can do to get your proof other than keep doing random checks on his phone and hope you come across something he's forgotten or not had time to delete. But I do understand the need to get proof, it may not be strictly rational or necessary but I do get it Flowers

Needsomebottle · 04/09/2019 00:49

Turn it on his head re the deleted messages.

If he was doing nothing wrong and saying nothing inappropriate wouldn't he leave them there to prove to you and reassure you that he is doing nothing wrong?

MsDogLady · 04/09/2019 02:19

Yes, he is.

What are your dealbreakers?

*Very flirty messages that indicate closeness
*TOY My Love
*Deleted messages
*Nude selfie sent by mystery woman

Your partner is taking you for a fool. He is lying. He is, at the very least, having an emotional affair (cheating) with OW. If she is Selfie Woman, then I would assume that they are sleeping together. If the nude photo was sent by another OW, then he is sexually cheating with her.

He is manipulating by blaming alcohol for the flirting. He is manipulating by blaming you for his deletion of the messages. If he wanted to restore trust and the messages were innocent, he would insist on showing them to you.

You have plenty of proof. Why would you tolerate any of this?

supercali77 · 04/09/2019 05:52

To snoop further
On your computer/laptop go to web.whatsapp

Take his phone. Open WhatsApp. In the top right see the 3 circles. Click that and then click 'whatsapp web'

Then hold the phone up to the code on the whatsapp web site.

Et voila. Now your computer is logged into his whatsapp. As long as his phone is on you can see what's happening before he can delete messages

AnyFucker · 04/09/2019 06:21

You have your "proof", you just don't want to accept it yet.

Scott72 · 04/09/2019 06:27

He assures me that nothing physical has ever happened between them
Going by what you've said I wouldn't believe him.

he is still interested in being intimate regularly.
That doesn't mean anything.

It must have been much easier to get away with affairs before cellphones and social media.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 04/09/2019 06:33

If you do the thing pp suggested re laptop, he will see. Your phone will tell you that WhatsApp web is active.

category12 · 04/09/2019 07:30

As AF said, you have all the proof you need, it's just accepting it.

The absolute bullshit excuse that he's deleting her messages to stop you being aggravated, it's embarrassing. I'm sorry, I understand you want it to be alright and to be able to believe him, but you know better really.

Original poster
Lovingmumof3 · 04/09/2019 09:14

Definitely deleted, not archived the messages. But I will look into the WhatsApp web thing - will research and be careful. I suppose I have to start to accept that this is probably happening - its truly unbelievable to me (he is so loving and attached) but it has absolutely torn me apart these last few days. I have 3 children, am a stay at home mum so no income, and no support network as we moved here a few years ago. This is going to be a difficult one but one that I will consider carefully before confronting him. Really appreciate all your advice, thank you

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2019 09:15

doesn't want to aggravate that by keeping messages from her - to make me more angry
Haha - that's what all cheaters say.
He is following 'the script'.
If he wanted to put your mind at rest he would keep all the messages and let you read them so that you could see there was 'nothing' in them.
But there is, which is why he deletes them.
And a nude selfie.
And you've already seen the flirty messages.
You have your proof OP.
Plenty of it.
So what now?
Do you have DC together?

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2019 09:16

Sorry cross posts!
How far away did you move from family and friends.
Could you go back there?
You need some real life love and support right now!

NewMe2019 · 04/09/2019 09:27

I was in a similar situation a few years ago OP. Stumbled across some messages between ExH and a colleague which showed they had a jokey/close friendship, he also had mentionitis. I asked to look at his phone and he let me, after he went to the toilet with it. Didn't clear the logs though so I saw they had messaged over 40 times in a short space of time. Never could explain what they were about.

Adamant nothing had happened. I believed him as he only went to work and shopping. But that niggle never went away. He never mentioned her again and apparently backed off out of respect for me Hmm. Personally I think he just hid it better. His phone never left his side and I never knew the code.

We have split now as our relationship was dead anyway. But I think I was stupidly naive to have believed him. Funnily enough I asked on here and was told it wasn't really much.

AmIThough · 04/09/2019 09:28

Their messages would only make you angry if they weren't innocent.
The picture is more than enough proof.
He's cheating.

Original poster
Lovingmumof3 · 04/09/2019 09:43

We are moving back home in January for his work, so I will be closer to family and friends in 5 months. Do I hang on until then? Or let it all blow up now? Am trying so hard to act normally, but am barely pulling it off.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/09/2019 09:45

Are you married?

Span1elsRock · 04/09/2019 09:47

Have some self respect and walk away.

He doesn't love you.... he's lying, and taking you for a fool. Why on earth would you want to stay..........

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2019 09:54

he's lying, and taking you for a fool
And this is the worst bit.
He actually thinks you are totally stupid and will fall his bullshit lies.
That's fucking insulting and disrespectful.

It's up to you if you want to hang on in there and wait 5 months or if you need and want the love and support you deserve right now.
I had to live with my ExH for 6 months after discovery.
It was hell on earth!

Original poster
Lovingmumof3 · 04/09/2019 09:54

yes am married, 14 years. If it is what it looks like, I am thinking I need to stay until we move in January so that I can get to my support network, and get the kids settled in new schools, new home etc before I mess up their world even more. ?? Torn.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/09/2019 09:55

Fantastic. Glad you're married.

I would go and get some legal advice on the quiet asap.