Is he having an affair?

[Lovingmumof3]

I'm new to mums net and need some advice!
I found some text messages a few months ago on my partner's work phone between himself and a colleague. They were very flirty and sounded like they were quite close. I immediately confronted him, demanding to know what they meant.
He was completely apologetic, saying it was just drunk talk one evening and that they were just friends and that they talk a lot about work and other stuff too.

She reports to him, so there is still the need to communicate, and she lives in another country, but seeing as they both travel abroad a lot for work there are opportunities to see each other at meetings, conferences etc. He assures me that they just talk about work nowadays.

Since then, I have become a snoop and keep checking his phone whenever i can get hold of it. He keeps it very close, hardly ever unattended. They talk on WhatsApp and he deletes all of her messages now - saying that he knows I don't trust him completely and doesn't want to aggravate that by keeping messages from her - to make me more angry.

I have seen the odd message from her "TOY" or "TOY my love" = thinking of you?
He assures me that nothing physical has ever happened between them, and that I am wrong about them. He still tells me he loves me and he is still interested in being intimate regularly. It's now me that's pulling away as I feel i Cant trust him.
The other day I found a rather nude selfie photo (not raunchy but just standing in front of a mirror) of a lady in his deleted photos - her face was not visible but I suspect it is her.
So now I'm going crazy internally. Cant eat, can't sleep etc. I can't talk to him about it because I feel like I need more 'proof' before I can confront him. But I can't get proof as she lives abroad and his phone is usually always cleared. If they are having an affair, then its happening when they both travel.
We have been together for 14 years and he has always been the love of my life. I have always been completely trusting, maybe even a little naive.
Am going crazy here, What should i do?!?!

You can question him and then remain in the family home. If your marriage is over you'll still need to co-parent but you don't need to pretend for the next 5 months.

I would be tempted to wait until you move back because if you split where you are, he may not agree to you moving back with the kids - presumably it's some distance(?) and he could potentially stop you legally. (Of course if the move is set in stone and he's as much interest and at stake in moving back as you, then it's not an issue).

The danger is that in the meantime you'll minimise and lose impetus.

(Also, to divorce for adultery, you need to do it within 6 months - if you confront and then try to make it work for over six months afterwards, then you'll need to divorce for other reasons.)

They talk on WhatsApp and he deletes all of her messages now - saying that he knows I don't trust him completely and doesn't want to aggravate that by keeping messages from her - to make me more angry.

Exactly what my ex did/said. Blamed me for deleting the messages as he didn't want to aggravate the situation between us, when in fact, they were having an affair.

Like you, I started to periodically check his phone and one day he was careless and didn't delete the messages. That's when I confronted him and then left. I couldn't stay another moment in his company or look at his petulant, arsey face again. He'd lied to me for a year about this 'friend' so there was no way I was going to stay living under the same roof as him.

Good luck OP.

They don't change.
Been there and got the t-shirt.
I forgave his lies way too many times.
He's now with the OW and cheating on her.
It's just not worth the heartache all over again OP.