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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless marriage but he is a wonderful dad

49 replies

buttonz · 03/09/2019 18:54

My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years and we have a 17 year old son.

Our sex life dwindled after our son was born - the usual reasons - lack of sleep so on.

I have not have sex with my dh for about three years. Before this, we only had sex about twice a year.

Dh blames pain from a hernia op he had several years ago. However, he still manages to lift weights...

He told me that he cannot have sex with me.

He's a wonderful dad.

I turn 50 soon and feel angry and sad that this part of my life is over.

I asked him to show me more affection - he said he will "try".

However, I do not feel that he should need to "try"!

I have worked out that I cannot afford to separate.

Even if I did leave, I don't think my son would forgive me. He is full of angst at the moment and is refusing to attend his college course.

I feel that I am trapped and that there is no solution to this.

Over the years, I have had about three men come on to me. I have been tempted, but that would make me the villain...

Is there any hope for me?

OP posts:
KellyHall · 03/09/2019 18:58

Yes, there's hope - sex toys!

Tell your husband you want and need to have sex and you're more than happy to take care of yourself but he can only watch if he's going to make an effort to join in!

Sunflowers211 · 03/09/2019 19:22

Your son is nearly 18, he will be off living his life leaving just you and your husband at home. Could you honestly see you living the rest of your life with him like this?

Andallofasuddenitsover · 03/09/2019 19:25

Your son is 17, your DH will be able to be a good dad even if you two aren’t together.

CarolineKate · 03/09/2019 19:40

Have you told him you have considered leaving him over this?

Yarval · 03/09/2019 19:46

This is no kind of life! Get out now and find some happiness.

Bloomburger · 03/09/2019 19:49

I think maybe living in a home where there is no obvious loving physical contact would make any child full of angst.

Jabbercocky · 03/09/2019 21:41

Studies have shown that a lack of physical contact (not just sex) leads to higher instances of depression (which can lead to suicide), drastically reduced immunity (which can lead to death), slower cognitive ability and a whole range of anxiety disorders. People are literally dying to be validated by the touch of another human being. Sex is merely an obvious manifestation of this. Nothing is lonelier than a lonely marriage.
Your need for sex is normal. Your husband’s unwillingness to provide it is unreasonable in the context of a marriage but more unreasonable is the reason he gives - lifting weights but hernia pain preventing sex? Come off it. He’s not telling you the truth and that’s not forgivable. Could be he’s gay, having an affair, doesn’t fancy you, is asexual or something else. Whatever the answer, he is being disingenuous at best or outright lying at worst and that is burning up the years of your life by denying you the full facts on which to make an informed decision about your life. If this doesn’t enrage you, I don’t know what will, because it damn well should. That’s not a marriage - that’s one person making BIG decisions that affect both of you without discussing it or offering an agreed compromise. You can call that a marriage if you like. Most right-minded people wouldn’t.

Here are your options:

  1. Do nothing. Suck it up for as long as you can, possibly forever.
  2. Leave and seek fulfilment with another.
  3. Stay and get an affair partner.
  4. Tell him you’re opening up the marriage and seek sex with others. Notice I said “Tell” not “Ask”.

That’s about it really. You could waste your time and money on counselling but you’re not dealing with an emotionally intelligent, compassionate and honest person so it would be pointless trying.

As for being the villain - if anyone finds out and judges you, just tell them your husband refused to have sex with you, gave you a bunch of lies for a reason and to keep their noses out of your business. Simples.

Original poster
buttonz · 04/09/2019 03:59

Thanks all. Your comments have really helped.

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 04/09/2019 04:11

*Yes, there's hope - sex toys!

Tell your husband you want and need to have sex and you're more than happy to take care of yourself but he can only watch if he's going to make an effort to join in!*

HelpfulHmm

Aurelia66 · 04/09/2019 04:14

Any chance he's using porn? Seems to be a huge problem right now..

snitzelvoncrumb · 04/09/2019 04:14

You could leave the marriage not the house. You could wait until your son leaves home then move out.

Original poster
buttonz · 14/09/2019 19:15

Update, for those kind enough to have replied...

He still blames his "hernia pain" for lack of sex, but he lifts weights every day and has just carried several heavy bags of supermarket shopping into the house.

I can't leave.., our son adores his dad...

OP posts:
NewMe2019 · 14/09/2019 19:19

Your son can still adore his dad without you being married to him.

Notcoolmum · 14/09/2019 19:35

Your son is practically an adult OP. Why are you hiding behind him as an excuse not to leave. Your husband can still be an excellent father without being married to you. Your son may choose to stay with him. And will likely be leaving home soon anyway.

Ginger1982 · 14/09/2019 19:45

Your son is 17 not 7!

yellowallpaper · 14/09/2019 20:13

Have an affair. Tell him you are going to have an affair with the next nice man you meet. Tell him your marriage is a sham. Sort your finances out and get a better paid job, then leave, divorce, divide the house money. Your son will be fine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2019 20:21

If you say you can’t leave then there’s nothing to do but accept it. Of course you CAN leave. Your marriage sounds lacking. But if you’re sure it’s not an option then what can anyone say?

MashedSpud · 14/09/2019 20:21

What was his excuse a couple of years after your ds was born?

I’ve been married 19 years and we still have sex several times a week.

Tell him a hernia doesn’t stop him from giving oral.

madcatladyforever · 14/09/2019 20:27

It would help to get to the bottom of the matter (no pun intended). I think he owes you an explanation.
I would be asking if he was gay, has a very low sex drive, is asexual, watches excessive porn or is sleeping with someone else.
You are 50 and though it sounds harsh your own desire for sex could vanish after the menopause so don't rush to leave.

LetsSplashMummy · 14/09/2019 20:32

Is it possible he did have pain, was scared by it and has now let it get out of control in his head, linking it with sex? Is there possibly ED and he's embarrassed?

Could you suggest just a little intimacy, no pressure, he can stop the minute it's sore? Just a massage to start with? Don't talk about sex itself, just affection and touch?

You feel he shouldn't have to "try" but trying doesn't mean he's forcing himself because he's not attracted to you, it could mean trying to get past this issue in his head? I'd encourage and support him in trying to get this back on track, not shoot down his use of words. There are specialist therapists as well.

This is assuming you want to stay together, if the sex was better would you be happy?

Mrshappy2019 · 14/09/2019 20:50

Hmmmm how would you feel if you had an affair? Or even just a fuck with someone? Would u feel guilty

Ginger1982 · 14/09/2019 21:03

Don't have an affair!

Bourbonbiccy · 14/09/2019 21:16

I wouldn't lower myself to have an affair.
A sexless marriage is perfectly fine if both parties are happy and content with it, you are not.

You need to have a very frank conversation with your husband. He needs to understand that this is a real problem for you. His injury wouldn't physically stop him being more affectionate, maybe stop him having sex, but you can feel loved and close without sex.

Communication is key, he then has the full picture and you then both decide how to proceed.

He doesn't want sex or affection, you do. You need to split.
He doesn't want sex or an open relationship . You need to split
He doesn't want sex but doesn't mind an open relationship (very unlikely ), if you are happy with that then fine.

Your son is 17, he may idolise his dad but I'm sure he is the same with you and will want you both to be happy. I'm sure he would understand.

EL8888 · 14/09/2019 21:20

@Jabbercocky this cover it all quite thoroughly. It depends what you want and can tolerate. Personally l couldn’t have a sexless marriage and would end up cheating on him. Your son is very nearly grown up and lm assuming will leave home. You need some kind of life for yourself

Pinkbonbon · 14/09/2019 21:24

Eh...your child is practically an adult, who cares if he doesn't like you leaving his dad. Is he a wee daddys boy awww diddums, pfffft, big baby.

You're a grown women, your kid is grown up and your marriage is dead in the waters, time to start living for yourself a little and stop being a doormat. You'd actually be setting your son a good example by showing that women don't stay with men who are unaffectionate an don't consider the needs of their partner a priority.

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