Sexless marriage but he is a wonderful dad

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My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years and we have a 17 year old son.

Our sex life dwindled after our son was born - the usual reasons - lack of sleep so on.

I have not have sex with my dh for about three years. Before this, we only had sex about twice a year.

Dh blames pain from a hernia op he had several years ago. However, he still manages to lift weights...

He told me that he cannot have sex with me.

He's a wonderful dad.

I turn 50 soon and feel angry and sad that this part of my life is over.

I asked him to show me more affection - he said he will "try".

However, I do not feel that he should need to "try"!

I have worked out that I cannot afford to separate.

Even if I did leave, I don't think my son would forgive me. He is full of angst at the moment and is refusing to attend his college course.

I feel that I am trapped and that there is no solution to this.

Over the years, I have had about three men come on to me. I have been tempted, but that would make me the villain...

Is there any hope for me?

Your sons love of his father isn't dependent on his father's relationship with you. He is an adult now and can have a separate and fulfilling relationship with his dad.

This is something you are using as an excuse, probably because you love your husband and there is a hope that somehow things will change. That is why you need to sit down and speak seriously to your husband and talk about the different options. You can have an open relationship, accept there is no sex in your future, he can work with you to bring sex back or you can separate.

The hernia is an excuse too. Sex can work in a variety of ways and doesn't have to be the standard PIV, it is about intimacy. If two people are happy without it then that is one thing, but you aren't and that is a valid reason to end a marriage.

I ended a relationship due to lack of sex. When things are fine it can be a small part of a relationship, but when things go wrong it can become a huge elephant in the room

*almost an adult now

Putting aside sexual contact for a second, is he showing any affection? Do you feel loved? Do you like him/spending time with him? Does he make you laugh?

Thanks all.

No, there is no physical affection at all.

This would be my idea of hell.
No sex; limited affection. I would be aching with the hurt and rejection constantly.

Your husband has been honest with you. He does not want to have sex anymore. You can’t make him, so do you stay and accept that’s life from now on? Or do you give yourself a second chance?

Personally I could not live in a sexless marriage. DH had Low T for a few years and sex dwindled to once a week. I thought that was hard! DH is treated now and our sex life is great. For a while though I worried that it would get worse; once a month; then once a year; then never and I considered what I would do.

My husband is wonderful, loving, kind, generous; funny; crazy, loyal and affectionate...but I would have either requested I be allowed an open marriage or left. Sex is important and I think it’s unfair for anyone to expect their partner to live a sexless existence.

Been there with exH and it was horrible. Move on .You actually forget what it is like to be special to someone in that way. Sex and affection are the ties that bind you and make you special to each other .

I read a stat the other day that sexless marriages account for 20% of all marriages. Infidelity rates run at about 18%. I don’t think it’s a coincidence those numbers are so close together.

If you truly can’t leave and he knows exactly how you feel and refuses to do anything about it I’d go with the affair option.

Yes you agreed to forsake all others. But he agreed to have and to hold. Who broke the contract first?

You talk about your son like he's 2. He's 17! He and your H can go on adoring each other after you split. You haven't needed to facilitate their relationship for a long time now.

What are you hiding from? Why are you staying in this marriage and using a "child" who's almost ready to leave home as an excuse?

I totally understand the situation you are in and think it’s unfair for people to dismiss your concerns about your 17 year old DS. A 17 year old is just as likely to be affected as a 7 year old, and if he is at a vulnerable stage in his life then I understand why you need to think of what’s best for him. Lots of 17 year olds are not ready to leave home soon. It may be that you focus on helping him to a stable position in his life over the next few months, and then think about really prioritising yourself when you are happier about the position he is in and his own mental health. Maybe start plotting a longer term plan for the year ahead.

So if you spend the next thirty or forty years of your life like this and look back on your deathbed will you be happy with your choice to stay? Or is that more painful to imagine than changing your life?

You don't have to post your answer, but may want to reflect on it.

Thanks all...

I am worried about my son because he will be devastated if I leave. I was 25 when my parents split and it hurt like hell.

I wasn’t your son’s age when my parents split. It was even more dramatic in many ways as my dad left my mum for another woman (to whom he is still married fwiw...).

Anyway, I was upset, but my mum did a great job of explaining to us that people don’t always stay in love forever and that’s just life. I can only imagine how much she was hurting when she had to do that.

What damaged my relationship with my dad was how he behaved after. He was too busy being a teenager in love that I barely saw him and only in his timetable. It was even worse for my younger brother who was at boarding school. And I think also the affair hit him harder.

It’s not the split, is my point, I think it’s how everyone handles it.

Your son will be upset, yes. Children, even adult children, are always upset when their parents split, unless it happens when they're 2 months old or something. But he's upset already, and he's also living with parents who have no sexual relationship and no honest communication, and that will do subtler and potentially more fundamental damage. Are you prepared to spend another 20 to 30 years sexless so that your son never has to be upset about this? Even after he's long moved out? You cannot sacrifice your own life to never upsetting a nearly-adult child, and if you are going to split, sooner is better than later. The friends I have whose parents split after they left home always said they were most fundamentally affected not by the divorce but by feeling that years of family life before it were a lie.

Your son is 17 years old not 17 months. Why do you feel you don't deserve a better relationship with physical affection? Why does your child deserve happiness at your expense?

Tell him that you need sex and he isn't willing to provide it so you would like to have an open relationship....just to see how he responds

I've got to be honest - I do think I should sacrifice my own happiness for my son...

I'm going to have to think about this really carefully. There is no one IRL I can talk to.

Whilst masturbation and toys might help, the real answer is a new man.
Your son won’t ever sacrifice his sexual happiness for you - nor should he. You need to get some perspective on this. Life is short. You don’t have to give up on the hope of a passionate relationship at your age - you need to try harder to find it.

Barry, follow your own advice...

I think I’m a fab mum. I love my son to bits. I would not sacrifice my own happiness for him unless it was life or death.
If I’m a happy person, I’m a happy mum. Then he’s a happy son.

You are all so right...

My mum went through this too. She and I are very close and she told me, many years ago, that my dad refused sex for years. She told me this after he left her because he was in love with someone... he and mum got back together and I never found out who he was in love with...

I sometimes wonder if their marriage genuinely improved after they reunited.

17 is a very vulnerable age. Ask anyone who experienced parental split up at this age ...especially if on the surface you seem to get on ok. It will be a devastating shock. I know where you are coming from op. It's easy when kids are at the toddler stage to think 17 year olds will be able to cope with things. They r mostly school kids these days with little experience of life. Yes yes they are legally adults at 18 ...and many of them are still school kids. If at university or apprentices ext still financially dependant.at least. I see you can't keep your life on hold forever but I very much doubt you would explain your reason for leaving to your son ...I certainly wouldn't. This makes the split all the more perplexing to your son. If you do decide to go maybe a few conversations with son first on the lines of Dad and I haven't been getting on for quite a while might help light gradually dawn and help your son face up to the next stage of your life. Good luck op ...whatever you decide to do.

I've got to be honest - I do think I should sacrifice my own happiness for my son...

How would you feel, knowing your parent had "sacrificed their happiness for you" and stayed for decades in a relationship that made them miserable? Grateful? Happy? Appreciative? Burdened? Guilty? Angry?

I wouldn't want any such burden. I'd be fucking furious with my parent for giving me that to carry. You raise healthy children by having a healthy regard for yourself and not making them responsible for you.

Is your husband willing to change? Might he be if he saw how serious you were? Or how much it is hurting you?

Does he love you? Do you love him?

I know how scary it can be to leave - it’s not as simple as it sounds.

Whilst masturbation and toys might help, the real answer is a new man.

At 50 it is not that easy unless you're hot enough to pull a younger man. Most of the eligible men 50 or over are no hopers who've been kicked out by their wives, I should know