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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you try and make him want you?

63 replies

sincerityisscary · 02/09/2019 22:21

Have just been told by a guy I'm seeing (or was seeing) he doesn't want a relationship and that he just wants fun,he said I was getting too serious and it's not what he wanted.
We get on great,speak all the time,chemistry etc
So I've spent the last few days thinking how can I change his mind etc
Then today I've had a lightbulb moment and thought ...stuff him if he can't see that it could be something good then he's loss.
He is still texting all the time and communicating but I don't think that's gonna help me.
I have feelings for him...even if he has any kind of feelings he doesn't want more than friends with added extras ...and that's not enough
What would you do?
Think he could end up being a good friend ?
Or just cut him off totally ?

OP posts:
confused889 · 02/09/2019 23:31

Op this has literally happaned to me this weekend and I wrote a thread on it too.. mine didn’t say he didn’t want a Rship but kinda eluded to the fact it was just fun and ended up saying he just wanted to be friends. After only seeing him a few days previous

He’s still talking to me too even tho I’ve asked him not too and told him I don’t want to be friends and when I ignore or be blunt he carries on making convo and asking questions. Hes now back tracking on the just wanting to be friends comment.

My one wanted to do couples things we went on dates and he asked me to go away together.. I asked him if he felt this has potential to be more down the line he started going on weird and said he just wanted to be friends ??

I know how you feel it’s confusing i wouldn’t bother in trying to make him change his mind.. it Rarely happens. Where you friends before ? If you have never been friends don’t know if you’ll be able to meet for drinks especially
With feelings Invovled now

31RueCambon75001 · 02/09/2019 23:32

When he flirts, text him "mixed messages are not for me".

31RueCambon75001 · 02/09/2019 23:37

It is a waste of time trying to change his mind, I was 'here'four years ago.

I did it all wrong. I continued to respond and chat and flirt. All on his terms.

What I should have done was to calmly tell him I'd gone off him a bit since he had ignored all of the boundaries between a friendship and a relationship. He relegated me. I should have relegated HIM!!!

And then NEVER contacted him again.

m00rfarm · 02/09/2019 23:39

We have all been there. trust me, within a few weeks he will be totally loved up with someone else - it will all be perfect for a few months, then he will be back sniffing round you again.

Passtherioja · 02/09/2019 23:39

To quote Dua Lipa, "And if you're under him, you ain't gettin' over him."

Sunflower20 · 02/09/2019 23:51

Been there done that. Don't waste your time. It's all in your head, your bond isn't as deep as you think, you should move on, and you will find a better guy. Trust me I've wasted years.

Musti · 02/09/2019 23:53

Blowing hot and cold is probably the reason why you're so attracted to him and why you're constantly thinking about him. If his attention was consistent you wouldn't be obsessed like you are.

If you write down all the good things about him and all the bad things, you'll realise that most of the good things is probably things he said but didn't actually do. None of it is real. You're worth a lot more than being used by someone like him.

But unless you block him and have no contact you'll really struggle to move on. Do yourself the biggest favour and block him and ignore him. After a while you will get over him and be open to someone who treats you the right way.

Read a book called 'mr unsuitable and the fallback girl '. It's a real eye opener and helps.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 03/09/2019 05:54

Don't just block. Delete, unfriend, unfollow. Or you may find yourself trying to contact him again when you're at a low ebb.

Bridget Jones would call him a fuckwit. This does not have the potential to be a LTR. Hills are that way --->

Monty27 · 03/09/2019 06:03

Tell him he's not what you want and blow him out. Then move on to someone who deserves you.
Don't undersell yourself. Ever.
Good luck. Flowers

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 03/09/2019 06:08

Wasted years of my life on someone who I have a deep spark and connection with.

My tolerance for him disappointing me was really high. Had some amazing low points and still he reeled me in. Very much hot/cold.

I now realise he can't substain a relationship with anyone. It wasn't about me and everything to do with him.

Work on yourself and what's lacking in your self esteem.

twofournine · 03/09/2019 06:13

How many more times can you post about this! Peoples advice isn't going to change. Get some self respect and block him ffs!

LiveInAHidingPlace · 03/09/2019 06:28

Do you really think anyone is worth the level of humiliation of trying to prove you're worth their time?

ALoadOfTwaddle · 03/09/2019 06:37

Also, if he does suddenly decide he wants a relationship with you, what then? Do you plan to keep jumping through hoops forever? Have him 'blow cold' suddenly when you want to visit your family? When you want him to occasionally do something around the house? When you don't want him to stay out all night when you have a newborn baby? No one should make you feel like they're doing you a favour by being with you. It's a very unhealthy dynamic. And it's not you, it's him. He's just not that into you. Nothing you do will change that and your desperation to fix the unfixable will only make you less attractive. Let it go.

Loopytiles · 03/09/2019 07:17

You could have avoided the “rollercoaster”.

Downunderduchess · 03/09/2019 07:21

Agree with what @Faith50 said.

I had a terrible year last year with this sort of thing, it dramatically affected my mental health & exacerbated my anxiety so much.

Consequently I just won't trust anyone again, as my experience was that even when they tell you how much they want to be with you, it was only for one thing.

If I had my time over, I would have cut contact as soon as I had an inkling that it wasn't going anywhere except the bedroom.

Crystal87 · 03/09/2019 08:18

He's got you exactly where he wants you. He's not considering your feelings because he knows you want more but he's still keeping up regular contact with you. He's messing with your head and leading you on and he knows it. I'd leave it. You can't force someone to want to be with you.

Chocolate123 · 03/09/2019 08:48

You can't change his mind. He wants a FB or a FWB. You want a relationship. Difficult to do I know but say goodbye you want different things and then block otherwise he'll keep coming back for one thing only.

palahvah · 03/09/2019 08:50

Play Dua Lipa "New Rules" on repeat and read "he's just not that into you". Block him and spend some time focusing on looking after yourself and what you want.

Original poster
sincerityisscary · 03/09/2019 08:56

I told him he was messing with my head and he said he wasn't and that he wasn't doing anything.
Sunday he text for 10 hours ...literally from 12 pm till 10pm.
It's inconsistent tho because yesterday he didn't speak only two words answers to my questions.
We have never been "friends" the first night we hung out we kissed.
Then the time after we slept together.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 03/09/2019 08:56

Do you think you are needy, op? Maybe that's why you are reluctant to let this person go when you know he will never give you what you want. Something is better than nothing?

You need to be single and expect more for yourself. You've had so much great advice here. I think you need to rip off the plaster and accept staying in touch with this guy is only prolonging what will eventually happen.... You won't be a couple.

Chocmallows · 03/09/2019 08:57

Cut the gameplayer off and look around...better options out there, including being not being messed about and single!

Original poster
sincerityisscary · 03/09/2019 09:07

@Windmillwhirl I don't think I'm "needy" as such.
He's the first person in years I've really liked.
Normally I just don't like them and after two dates don't go for a third.
I had liked him for years before anything happened.
I think I've built him up in my head over the years and the reality is different.

OP posts:
Podwoman888 · 03/09/2019 09:09

OP,
Be thankful that this guy has been honest with you.
He's told you he wants a 'no strings' arrangement. So it's up to you to decide if you want that as well.
If you don't (and it certainly sounds like you don't) then you cut contact completely. Block, delete, ignore whatever.
He pulls your strings because he knows he can.

I think you know you deserve better, but you won't get it when you are waiting, until Hell freezes, for this user to change his mind.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 03/09/2019 09:12

Your mental health will suffer if you carry on like this. No man is worth your health. He's playing with you and sounds really immature.

Rip the band aid off and tell him you're no longer interested in being his convenient shag, goodbye.

Work on your self esteem which this player is destroying.

HollysTeflonSeptum · 03/09/2019 09:13

Unless it turns you on or suits you to be wrapped around this man's little finger and occasionally treated as an option then fuck no.

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