Feels like life has passed me by and nothing is left

[LonelyEyes]

I feel like life has passed me by. All the family, relationships, children, anniversaries, celebrations...I’ve had none of it.

These things just don’t seem to be for me, it never works out. I’m always watching celebrations for other people while on the sidelines.

How do you accept life like this? I hate it.

I have and do date. Just not met the right one.

I hear all the time that after 35 that’s it, it’s really hard to be pregnant, let alone at 40.

If you have a fertility problem and only find out when your 35 - 40 it doesn’t leave you much time to try to solve it. There is, rightly, a lot of publicity around this, and women shouldn’t have to suffer this quietly.
However, there are quite a lot of women who have no problem getting pregnant right up until their mid-40s. When contraception wasn’t such a thing lots of women had late babies.
I’m 38 and currently cuddling my surprise babies (I was on the pill but my body really wanted me pregnant).
So maybe it pregnancy won’t be a problem for you?
Would you consider going it alone?

My bestie had a date with her now husband when we just turned 36. They bought a house together and got married at 38 and had their babies at 40.
Never give up. Ever.

My husband and I met online
First date Feb 2015 and now married with two kids and have bought a house. A lot can change in a short period of time.

You're not too young at all! If you have a look in the conception forum, you'll see loads of women trying for kids in their 40's and succeeding.
Try a new hobby and meet people that way. Xx

OP - can you afford to freeze some of your eggs?
Might give you a bit more time.

But otherwise - at some point you’ll need to chose whether you want 100% if your dreams or at least some of it.
If you can’t get both the man & baby in the next 5 years - you can at least get a baby.... and then keep looking for a partner after that....
Looking for that in one person is the hardest in your age group.

@Ididit2019 it doesn't have to be this way

Yet there are countless people who've done all the things you suggest and things haven't changed. Because for all the effort you put in it's still up to finding someone you really like who also feels the same about you. You can just magically make them fancy/love you.

I'm a 45-year old guy. Single 9 years.

I have a female friend, 42, single 11 years.

We've done all those things. But still "it is that way"

*too old

I met my husband when I was 35, got married at 37.

I just think of all the years I’ve missed out onbuilding a life with someone. It’s 4am and I can’t sleep thinking about it.

It’s something that seems to happen for everyone else but not me. I date and it’s fine but just not met the right one. So alone and don’t think I can face many more nights like this. I’ve got lots going on in my life but simply joining another hobby which I don’t have time for isn’t going to suddenly replace having a relationship and family.

Where are you living? How about trying somewhere different? Changing job and going to live somewhere like Brighton or Portsmouth or Oxford. Mix it up a bit. A friend of mine moved to Brighton in her 30s. Within two years she’s met and married and had twins!

I live in Birmingham. I’ve got a house here and I like my job.

I would move if I knew I would meet someone but don’t want to uproot otherwise. Is that necessary at this point? I’ve lived in Birmingham 5 years now. I like it and had hoped to stay.

I think I’d feel a bit lost moving just to try and meet someone?

You sound very eeyore about it.

You can't change the fact you might never have the milestone anniversaries that some that have met younger have but does that matter really if you end up in a relationship with someone you love? It's just a number.

Ultimately like a PP says you can decide if you want 100% of your dreams or a child. There are ways to go it alone and motherhood does open up other friendship groups and networks. Family is what create for yourself.

Are your expectations about relationships too high- not that certain expectations can be too high but sometimes I've noticed that single friends spent so long thinking about potential they didn't enjoy the present.

One single friend had to really look at herself and her values. She didn't want a younger partner and especially not one with a child already in her set of ideals- however she was attracted to someone who was both- they got together and a few years later had a child.

Geez 36 please don’t give up on life. I’m 35 now, and most of my uni friends didn’t start babies until 39-40. Put less pressure on yourself

I thought you were in your 60s! You have plenty of time to meet someone and have children if you want. Join a club or a dating site and put yourself out there - I wish I was 36 again.

You definitely have time to meet someone and have children!

Definitely put yourself out there and date a lot! Heck make a project plan for it. :)

I became a widow around your age. I ended up meeting someone a few years later and got married again.

@LonelyEyes you can’t help your feelings, if this is how you feel it’s how you feel.

Life seems to be really easy for some and everything just slides into place, others have to work for it and it can be utterly exhausting.

It’s a bit trite to say ‘think of the positives’ but I’m going to. You’ve got a career and a house. You live in a beautiful city (Birmingham is ace) filled with art, culture and people.

You say you’ve missed out on building a future with someone. I spend 11 years building a future with someone who cheated on me. The fairytale doesn’t always work out!

Do you do a lot of social media? When I’m feeling low it makes me feel worse. People are only presenting their ‘best lives’ and it makes me feel quite inadequate sometimes.

@LonelyEyes I'm London-ish. 30 min walk and you're not in London any more. Friends were a mix of London and not.

Most, of not all, met their partners online dating / tinder. I think most of them are with slightly younger men too (3-8 years younger).

You haven't missed out on a decade of being married: you gained a decade of personal growth and building your life. Don't be too harsh on yourself

Maybe get some counselling or try medication, as you sound very low atm.

You're not too old.

Consider going it alone if you want a baby.

I'd love what you have OP. High flying job, own house and independence, settled in one place

It seems from your posts that you're going to be unhappy until this future man comes along. But what if you fall in love and it turns out he or you can't have children? Or what if you get married and he turns out to be a monumental prick? The sheer number of men who hide who they really are until after marriage is staggering - just go and read the Relationships forum to see numerous threads from unhappy women trying to understand where their loving husband they fell in love with has gone.

Marriage really isn't all that it's for everyone. For every married couple there will be another one who is unhappy. I fell in love with and married this kind, patient lovely man who loved my positive outlook on life. It turns out my husband is a passive aggressive, manipulative, gaslighting arsehole who has taken a massive toll on my health and mental wellbeing, and does everything in his power to stamp out the positivity he fell in love with. I'm in my late 40s and have wasted my best years with him. The only positive is that I didn't have children with him. I fantasize about my future single life.

PPs are right in that you need to explore yourself and find happiness within yourself first and foremost. If you've decided that it's a man that is going to bring your life meaning and purpose, it would be worth exploring this further with a therapist. Expecting something outside of yourself to bring you happiness never works long term.

Also worth noting is that a recent study has shown that single childless women are overall happier than their married with children counterparts. A book called Happy Ever After by Paul Dolan explores this and it's an interesting read.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/women-happy-children-spouse-partner-relationship-unmarried-a8931816.html

However, if it's a family you want, there are ways you can achieve this now, without meeting "Mr Right" first - sperm donation, fostering, etc.

I know a few good friends who met the loves of their life on online dating in their late thirties. By the time they were getting married, I was getting divorced!

Don't envy other people. It's a waste of time and energy. Instead make meeting someone a priority. Get dating. Be clear what you want. Give people a chance that aren't your usual type. Be open minded but clear what you want.

I'm also a fan of attached by amir levine. One section talks about a woman who was explicit about wanting to find a serious relationship through online dating. Whilst she scared a few off, she scared off the ones who were unsuitable and then met someone who wanted what she did.

Optimism and gratitude are your friends here. That is the glow that you need to foster to feel better about yourself and to attract a partner.

You don’t have everything that you want yet.

You should be joyful that today you have your health, wealth, stability and friendships to share in celebrations.

You should be confident and look positively and enthusiastically forward to a future with children and maybe a man. Make it known to your family and friends that you are looking for the one and ask if they know any singles. Explore every avenue.

What has been your relationship and dating history? Maybe it needs a fresh approach.

KNOW that you CAN have a child - don’t let your social / cultural set deny you that. I know 3 people who have done this all in their 40ths - one was from a v traditional background. She didn’t tell her parents of her plans - just told them when she was 12 weeks pregnant - all delighted.

You do sound down to be awake and posting at 4am. Do you have sibling or friend who supports you emotionally? If not why not try 6 weeks cbt or psychotherapy to get you out of this mindset which is stopping you meeting someone.

You’re not too old, no way! My bf met her hubby at 35 had dc1 at 36, engaged and married at 37, dc2 at 39, dc3 at 41. New home to accommodate them all at 42 and cute pup at 43! Job done in a few short years. She met him at a point in her life when she was thinking similarly to you. You just never know what each day will bring.