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Original poster

Christmas and the exH

27 replies

Madmilkmaid · 02/09/2019 11:29

OK so long story. Sorry

ExH and I split up well over a year ago. We get on well although he annoys me as exH do. We have one DC.

Last Xmas was spent as normal with my parents (exH included) as thought it would be better for DC.

He had a girlfriend for a couple of months so assumed he would spend Xmas with her as his family live in a different country. So I was really looking forward to having Christmas with my dp and my family.
ExH and his gf have since split up and I feel terrible that he will spend Xmas on his own. Dp and exH get on fine (will chat if see eachother out, buy eachother a pint etc) so dp has said he feels terrible aswell if exH was to spend Xmas alone.

So, we have told my parents (exH still sees them regular) that if they want to invite him for Xmas then we have no issues.

Problem is I know I'm doing the right thing but I'm kind off upset as it's mine and dps first Xmas together and we will be spending it with exH there. ExH is always invited by my family to things like birthday meals etc but I'm kind of wondering when he will be seen as my ex and that dp is now my partner.

Family get on great with dp so that's not an issue, they just don't want exH to feel left out.

I feel stuck between doing what I think is right (having exH with us at Christmas) and being selfish and wanting Christmas to be with my family and dp. Moving forward.

Anybody been in this situation? Or anyone got any views on this? I just can't work out what to do.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2019 11:33

Why can't he go to his family?
Do they celebrate Christmas?
Does he ever visit them or do they visit him?

You are very kind to think of him though and so is your DP.
Christmas is about kindness and you are being kind.
It's great you are all able to still get along so well.

Original poster

Madmilkmaid · 02/09/2019 11:38

He wouldn't be able to get time off work to visit his family and the would never come here at Christmas as it would be too expensive. He would also not want to be away and miss seeing dc on Xmas morning.

I am trying to be nice and do the right thing. Just struggling with the little bit of my that wants to be selfish.

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 02/09/2019 11:40

I think Christmas should be for the children so I think it's so ace that you and ex and dp and your parents can be civil.

I would suggest a couple of days before or after Christmas, maybe between Christmas and New year, leave the children with ex and book into a posh hotel with dp. Spoil yourselves rotten and have some special time together.

Jennifer2r · 02/09/2019 11:41

ExH is always invited by my family to things like birthday meals etc but I'm kind of wondering when he will be seen as my ex and that dp is now my partner.

Thats a separate issue and one that's worth exploring with your family. Does he really need to come to every family occasion.

Original poster

Madmilkmaid · 02/09/2019 12:01

A night away might be a good idea for dp and I actually.

I have spoken to my family recently about him being invited to everything but they still get on so well and say he is dc dad so he is family to them.

Think it would be so much easier if he had a gf as then I (and family probably) wouldn't still feel responsible for him iyswim.

OP posts:

Robin2323 · 02/09/2019 12:16

Please invite him.
It's Christmas.
Next year will be different.
Your kids will love you all the more.
When I was struggle my sister always open her house to me.
It's a very kind thing.

Jennifer2r · 02/09/2019 12:34

You're definitely not responsible for him and it might be hindering him moving on. Sometimes men especially need to get a bit lonely before they get the wind in their sails to get back out there.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/09/2019 12:49

So he's never actually had to spend a Christmas on his own yet OP ? you only split up a year ago, and he was with his now exGF back then? I think you maybe worried about him unnecessarily.

Do you guys take it turn about who has your Child at Christmas ?

Jennifer2r · 02/09/2019 12:56

Do you have some guilt around the break up?

NewMe2019 · 02/09/2019 13:29

I actually wouldn't be happy about my family inviting my exH when I have a DP. I don't think it's appropriate. In fact I was almost in this situation a few weeks ago, big family event, exH would have liked to have gone but I didn't see it as appropriate and I took DP. ExH visited the family member separately the day before the event.

I wouldn't expect to be invited to Ex's family's events just because I'm DCs mum.

With Christmas, I'd say yes it's a shame he may be alone, but he isn't your responsibility so you should spend Christmas how you want it. This Christmas is mine and DPs first too and I wouldn't want his or my ex there with us.

Original poster

Madmilkmaid · 02/09/2019 13:58

He hasn't had a Xmas on his own. He was with me and my family last year too although my dp wasn't with us as it was still quite new relationship.

No guilt as such about the break up. We just didn't work. Both unhappy and tbh we wouldn't be together if hadn't have had dc. We should have just stayed friends. We are much better friends than partners.

I'm kind of hoping that one of his mates invites him for Xmas day. He will still see dc Xmas morning at mine to open presents etc as dc with me Christmas day this year.

OP posts:

Reallynowdear · 02/09/2019 14:03

Just invite him, it won't be forever.

I feel your pain, I do the same, it's better for the DC and you'll be rewarded in heaven. Hopefully.

Ginger1982 · 02/09/2019 14:09

I think it's lovely that you all get on. You only have to look at the threads on here to see how badly it can go the other way. I would suck it up. You'll have plenty of Christmas's with your DP in the future assuming all goes well when your ExH probably will have someone else but your DC will remember the fact that you were able to do this.

30to50FeralHogs · 02/09/2019 14:17

My XH and I do this - his family live quite a way away and he usually sees them on Boxing day or 27th. He wouldn’t want to spend Xmas day without the DCs and I’d feel bad if he was alone, so the last couple of years he came to mine on Xmas morning then we all went over to my DP’s house for lunch, where he’d spent the morning with his ex too! It’s a bit weird but nice for the DCs that they don’t feel torn between parents and we’ve been able to spend time together too.

However, this year I felt like I’d rather be in my own house than at DP’s waiting on his exGF (she’s not very helpful!) so I just spent the day here with XH and the DCs and invited my DBro and his family over, which was really nice. I saw DP the next day instead.

I always say Christmas isn’t just a day, it’s a season, so if I don’t see someone on 25th it doesn’t really matter - the only important thing on that day is that Santa’s been - even though my DCs are all old enough to know better

It’s great that your ex and DP get along and anything that keeps harmony is good for the DCs. I’d see the meal with your family as a kind of charitable event for your ex and then maybe plan something nice just for you and DP another day.

30to50FeralHogs · 02/09/2019 14:22

I wouldn't expect to be invited to Ex's family's events just because I'm DCs mum.

I don’t expect to be either, but it’s really nice when they do. We were family for 15 years, it seems odder to suddenly cut you off than to continue inviting you along.

I do think there’s a time and a place though, and it depends very much on all of the characters involved. My DPs ex is a big over-sharer and treats him like they’re still together, so I find it hard being around her, whereas my ex and I have suitable boundaries and he’s always very respectful of my DP, so it isn’t as awkward for him. I’m sure if my XH kept calling me babe and eating off my plate, and referring to times in the last when we were together, my DP would find it more annoying

Beautiful3 · 02/09/2019 15:10

I wouldn't invite him. You have to focus on your partner and children. If you were alone one xmas, I'd doubt your ex and his girlfriend would invite you over?!

Ginger1982 · 02/09/2019 16:10

@Beautiful3 maybe he would if he had the children and given how well they all seem to get on.

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/09/2019 16:18

OP, I have been the new DP in a similar scenario. I spent several Christmases with my (now ex) DP, his ex-wife, their kids and my kids. It worked because his ex-wife and I got on very well. In fact, now that he is my ex, we are still very close friends. We have also all been at various family events - weddings, birthdays etc. and even holidays (which included a wedding).

If you and your ex are friends, and your DP and EX-H get along, why spoil it. Chrustmas is one day. You and DP could do something special on another day.

And ignore anyone who thinks it is odd, or who doesn't get it. It is SO much better for the kids to see you getting along and sharing special occasions than to see you arguing over who gets what time, says etc.

ProfessorofPerspective · 02/09/2019 16:28

I've been divorced since 2007 and remarried in 2011. Three DC's from first marriage and one DD from second.

Initially we alternated Christmas but for the last few years, ex H comes here and we all crack on together and it works fine. DH is ok with it, to be honest, it makes the older three happy, they want to be here, which pleases me and it's all ok. He is quite generous with contributions and handy with a tea towel. Wouldn't work for everyone but it suits us. And I do get a nice festive glow.

Retroraver93 · 02/09/2019 16:35

I think that it's lovely that you all get on so well and a great example to your DC. They get to enjoy the magic of Christmas with both parents there and don't have to feel torn between you both.

Next year your exH may have met someone else and decide to go there instead so I would enjoy this year being altogether on the day and would definitely try to organise a night or two away over the festive season with just your DP too.

Jeezoh · 02/09/2019 16:37

If your child had Christmas with your side of the family this year, why not let your ex have your ex this year? Then you can alternate and he won’t be alone

Chitarra · 02/09/2019 16:42

I think that if you don't invite him, you have to be prepared for your DC to spend part of Christmas day with him (or alternatively the whole of Christmas day with him next year). Wouldn't that be worse? Not seeing your DC on Christmas day? I think if this works it is a good solution.

However, I do agree with pp that Christmas day is different and that doesn't mean he should get invited to all family events.

Robin2323 · 02/09/2019 18:07

Not everyone can do this.
But this is co parenting at its finest.

Your kids are being taught a fantastic life lesson.

Kindness, caring and cooperation.

I was a step parent and also did every other Christmas with dd.

It worked.

But looking back I still wish I'd been kinder.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/09/2019 18:10

I think you're mad - you're not responsible for him any more. But then I can't bear to be in the same room as my exh so can't imagine doing the same.

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/09/2019 18:14

Agree 100% with Robin2323. This is absolutely co-parenting at it's best. I am so proud that we managed it for several years.

Sadly, my exH, my kids' dad, thinks it's inappropriate so won't entertain the idea of us all sharing even a coffee on Christmas day. I don't think children can be loved by too many people, and showing this level of compassion is a fabulous life-lesson for the children.

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