DH - No Emotional Needs

[AutumnAlready]

My head is fried, I'd appreciate any advice. I apologise if this doesn't make sense.

We are together 6 years, married less than a year, as sad is this sounds, marriage for both of us was for legal purposes, we never really had much interest in the institution. I'm 39, DH is 44. Had DD in under the first 2 years. Tried for DC 2 but no joy, had a miscarriage, now currently half way through IVF, frozen embryos available for transfer. My dad was very ill during this time and then died. It's been a whirlwind of a time and I'm so tired from it all.

I met DH a month after an 8 year relationship that had being dying for a good year, that relationship was madness and DH came along and was just no drama, relaxed, we got on well. It suited me perfectly.

Since 2016, I've tried nine times between writing letters and talking to my DH about the lack of emotion I get from him, I haven't ever felt he took me seriously or wanted to make it right. He is just not tuned into how I am, he doesn't want to know about my life, doesn't just behave loving towards me. Intimacy between us is functional, I certainly don't feel like he is making love to me. I'd get a token effort for a while after I'd try talking to him but nothing like I needed. We are so emotionally different, something I did not see until we had had DD and DH says he can't change who he is. DH is passive about everything in his life, me included. I guess I was closed off after the madness of my last relationship and I didn't need anything from him too so he isn't all to blame.

In a nutshell we never truly got to know each other, DH never wanted to know about my past, if I tried to find out much about his, I got little. Basically I don't know what makes him tick. I feel so stupid saying this now. When my dad died and I had the miscarriage, I got nothing from him, I almost had to be on the floor sobbing before he would realise how upset I was. I feel so lonely now for so long. I rarely get hugged or kissed. And yes I was closed off too but I've tried to fix it and got nothing.

I've started to find myself again, made more friends through my hobby and I realise I need to take control of my life and be happy, I was becoming a shell. I have started going out more myself with my own friends. DH has no interest in anything, I've to lead him in everything. He doesn't enjoy going out with me, he's happy to sit in the house. I am very close to my DD and I do a lot of the parenting on an emotional level aswell as practically in the evenings, I work full-time.

I don't know if DH loves me or ever did love me, I've asked him and I haven't got a straight answer. I think I did love him but he's hard to love as he won't let me in. I've asked is there someone else, is he happy, he says he is. I'm not happy. DH isn't unpleasant, we have a nice life but there's no depth. I've tuned off from him after our last conversation. This morning he said to me, maybe we need to see a counsellor, I had suggested this before but he wasn't too interested. He doesn't like that his life is being affected by me at the moment as I'm different to him, in the past I'd just get on with things when I got nowhere.

I'm very afraid this is all too late.

Jsku

It all sounds very familiar. And some of the history - meeting H as the previous, passionate/yet/disfunctional relationship finished... And needing peace and a more mature relationship....

Here is what i’d say. You can’t solve all the issues in one go. You need to prioritise.

1. Is having a second child important to you? If yes - focus on your IVF and give it a chance.

Because realistically - this is your last chance to have another child. If you leave now - by the time you meet someone it’ll be too late.

1. Go to counselling - it will help you both...

There is a chance that what you actually are missing is the highs of that previous relationship. But you must have forgotten all the lows.

It is possible that the relationship has run its course now that you have healed from the hurts of the past and had your child. You might see it in counselling. And it may be time to move on. But first decide on having the child or not.
Can’t do it in parallel.

@Jsku
Good advice.

Having another baby was always a priority to me but I'm at the point now where I'm not happy with DH and I don't know if I can go through a pregnancy (if it worked) and the new baby toddler years with things how they are. It breaks my heart that the chance of another baby could be gone if our marriage is.

The last relationship diminished me, took the spark out of me, I remember the lows very well which is why I value the peace in my marriage. I'm just lonely, I haven't felt loved for a long time. I don't know can I live like this forever.

Can you live at age 39 with no love - forever!???
Of course not.
We all need to feel loved and cherished and appreciated.
He's giving you nothing here.
You feel lonely in a relationship so what is the point?
Have you spoken about couples therapy?
Might be worth one last shot if you can't get through to him how you feel.

I know OP.
And my solution to that was having babies. I found a huge fulfilment in that. Have me love and that warm and fuzzy feelings I craved...
And made me feel so loved and needed. I just blanked out my H in that time - in my head. And lived in baby-universe.

And then, when they were a little older I came back to life.

HellsBells - DH suggested this morning we speak to someone as I have tuned off now for at least two weeks and I think he is getting worried. I had previously suggested it but I got a blank look and I dropped it. I see someone separately myself.

Jsku - I have and did get a lot of fulfilment from DD and I suppose the next baby would have given me that too. We had IVF and I wasn't ready for the embryo transfer physically so it was put on hold and I guess I did some soul searching, my counsellor who works with a lot of IVF patients said that a lot of marriages break down when there's a break in IVF as we start to really question the marriage and what we are possibly bringing a baby into. Funny isn't it if that transfer went ahead what might have happened. Do you mind me asking what happened when you came back to life? That's where I feel I'm at right now.

I don't know can I cope with any of it at the moment. Can I go on this way, I don't know. If we get pregnant and I'm in this emotional wasteland, can I cope. If the IVF fails or I miscarry, can I cope.

I'm at a loss.

I was in a 3 year relationship like this, he left me for a mutual friend(who coincidentally is very dull herself) and it was the best day of my life. Reading how sad and unfulfilled you are brought it all back to me. Its an awful terrible waste of a life, you're wasting that spark inside yourself. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship and being lonely.

I poured my energy into raising kids, then rebuilding self. As it felt like I was lost in being a mother above all.
As I had more time when babies grew up a bit - I reconnected with friends, developed hobbies, started thinking about re-training.
And eventually realised my marriage needs to end. But waited until kids were a bit bigger.

Honestly, I would leave and rebuild anlife with DD and you. I wouldn't go through with another pregnancy and be tied to him any further.

At 39, you're still young enough to rebuild your life quite easily.

He won’t change, even with counselling. He may be able to force himself to act the way you want/need, but it’ll never be genuine.

Some people just don’t have certain feelings/emotions, and are unable to understand others.

I’ve been with my DP for 8 years now, and have come to accept that he is emotionally stunted, lacks empathy, and doesn’t respect my emotions. He’s not a nasty bloke, he just doesn’t feel like “normal people”.

It’s hard, so so hard, and I wish I’d ended it years ago. I’ve got to the stage where I don’t crave any emotion from him.

Our relationship is happy, we have a lovely life, but I’ve been through some miserable times vying for his attention. It’s since I’ve stepped back and stopped needing anything from him that I’m happier, not because he’s changed but because my expectations did.

My DP is the carbon copy of his father, our life is almost identical to how his dad and step moms life has been. I’ve had many conversations with step mom over the years, and they are pretty much the same brain in different bodies.

They are not easy people to live with. Completely selfish (again not in a nasty way, just completely thoughtless).

If I were my friend, I’d have told me to leave him.

You have 3 options really, accept him for what he is, push him until he “changes” (he won’t it’ll be fake), leave him.

You have my sympathies

I was in a marriage where it there was no initiating day to day intimacies by partner. Partner would walk ahead of me, not like kissing, no voluntary hugs, hand holding, sofa cuddling, back rubbing etc. When children had all left home, the chasm opened so wide that I could bear it no more and am now processing through divorce. Having children gave me the missing human interaction I needed. I had repeatedly brought up my feelings over the years but was dismissed.
So much happier now and have found some one special who is compatible.
You might find this video helpful, I only found it a few days ago and it rings so true for me.

I'm in a very similar relationship. We've been together 13 years now and not had any intimacy for 6. I plan to speak to DH about it as it's now a dealbreaker for me. I'm 44 and don't want to miss a chance to feel cherished. Either my DH steps up or we will have to split.
Don't leave it as long as I have. We have children and it only makes it harder. They are growing up not seeing how a loving relationship works.

Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences.

I just don't know where to go from here. DH is now pushing counselling and I lost my temper with him last night, why the hell now do you want to go to counselling after 3 years of not listening to me. He says I'm obviously not happy and that he is who he due to his upbringing (no emotion at home or in his parents marriage) is so he needs someone to tell him how to make me happy. What is the point in that? I'm just so angry with him now.

I asked him was there someone else, he half laughed at the idea. I asked him did he love me, he said he did of course but he just doesn't say it to anyone including me.

I'm seeing my own counsellor tomorrow. I don't know anymore after that, I'm taking it day by day.

I think sometimes the problem is they often realise too late, whilst you’ve been trying to fix something for years.
Can you get over the resentment you feel towards him? I would explore that. Sometimes it’s too difficult a task.

@AutumnAlready you could have been writing my thoughts for the last few years of my marriage! It ended 4 years ago just short of our 21st wedding anniversary. Same as you I had developed a social circle and started going out more, just to find me again. I became happier and more confident and he became more distant. He still insisted he "loved me to bits" but when I snapped one day and said "why? What exactly do you love about me?" he couldn't answer. He ended up saying "because you've carried me for the past 20 years" and then it hit me - that was a perfect description of our relationship as I had done everything .

We tried counselling but I think he had decided by that point that he didn't want to be with me. He told the counsellor that he "felt everything was depending on him and he couldn't cope" to which the counsellor almost snapped back "it sounds like your wife is doing most things so thats an exaggeration"

I suspect H thought I was having affairs (I wasn't) but didn't have the courage to ask me directly as he was scared of the answer - if it was yes he would feel diminished or something.

The only advice I can offer is ---don't expect him to change. He won't. What you see now is him. If you think you can be content with this life then stick with it. If not, then its going to be easier on your own as you won't have to worry about him as well as your DD.

How can someone else tell him how to make you happy???
He needs to listen to you, that will be a start to making you happy.
Then he needs to take action on what you say.
His excuses are poor.
I hope your own counselling can help you sort your own head out.

You are not compatible.
He doesn’t chose to meet your needs.
He has left you in grief and emotional pain.
He has not shown you kindness and respect when you are at your lowest.
He doesn’t hear you. You are not his priority.
He has left you frustrated and eroded.
Sounds like he is the exact opposite of your previous relationship - neither are balanced.

He is only responding now to meet his own needs - I doubt he wants to find a new home, lover, split finances, arrange childcare etc. He has taken you to the edge of your MH before he has decided that this might hurt him a bit - so he suggests counselling.

Thanks to everyone again for your responses.

ClareIsland your post hit a nerve, you are right.

I was with my own counsellor yesterday which I found very helpful. I need to hand him back responsibility for the situation and see what he does with it. He needs to come clean if he isn't happy, this passive crap is not working for me. What I do then or whether I'm interested in time to come is another story. A break from each other would be helpful if we can manage it.

For my own mental health, I need to pass him over the responsibility before I snap which I feel I'm close to doing, I can't take much more.

So this is where I am currently at. I need to face him and say clearly where I am at. I'm not looking forward to it but I have to or I could break.

Thank you all again for taking the time to respond. x

Claresland why do you think he is choosing to be like this. As he himself said "he can't change who he is". Its true, this is his personality. Self contained, inexpressive of emotion. He could make small changes, but not the significant ones OP needs. They are simply incompatible.

Scott I agree that they are not compatible. But I also sense someone who has deliberately withheld sympathy, empathy, kindness and compassion when the OP was screaming out for it in the darkest hours of her life. I don’t think it is human to not respond emotionally (even if it isn’t enough) - I sense that he chose to withhold covertly either out of hidden contempt or an attempt to be in control.

Everyone can adapt to life and relationships if they choose to. It may not be enough for a relationship or a situation. But to say he can’t is disingenuous. And this conflicts with his suggestion of counselling - why would you do that if not to want to reflect, change and grow?

I've worried about that too ClareIsland, that underneath it all he can't love me or doesn't love me. I came out of a long term relationship before I met him and I know I had closed off a piece of myself and maybe he couldn't love me, maybe I was unloveable at that time. I am now coming back to who I used to be I guess hence needing a lot more. I don't know. He isn't saying either way and it this stage he just needs to come clean as I am very close to being gone if I'm not gone already.

I suspect he can't change. He maybe has never learned emotional adulting or maybe he can't (I may be biased, I just came out of a relationship with a man I discovered to be ASD during the relationship. He thought he was perfectly 'normal' and that nobody cuddled, held hands, talked, kissed or hugged past the first six weeks of a relationship). I also sleep-walked into that relationship after coming out of a long term relationship which had a very traumatic ending and saw his lack of emotion as being calm and laid back.

So I'm not sure that counselling will help. If he is who is he is then how is he going to overwrite 44 years of emotionless living? Unless you are supposed to prompt him every step of the way, and that's not true emotional input is it? 'Give me a hug, I feel sad'...

*He isn't saying either way and it this stage he just needs to come clean..

This is another example of him having covert control over you - he might be able to claim that “he can’t change” - but he can answer a question. He is choosing not to to keep you dangling.

Stop giving him all the power. Listen to your own gut.

I'd describe it as feeling like there's a vicegrip around me. I can't pinpoint it but I feel there's some level of control going on.

I actually have googled Aesperger's Syndrome, he has traits of it but again I can't fix that.

Yes it's that bad, can I have a hug please. There was a turning point in me the day of my dad's anniversary when he was driving me to the cemetery and he turned to me and said why are we going out here again. I literally couldn't speak.

Sounds very sad for you OP. When you have come through the IVF, and hopefully have the outcome you want, I wonder if DH would have the test for the autistic spectrum. If he is on the spectrum, he might not change but you would have a better idea what you were dealing with.