DH - No Emotional Needs

[AutumnAlready]

My head is fried, I'd appreciate any advice. I apologise if this doesn't make sense.

We are together 6 years, married less than a year, as sad is this sounds, marriage for both of us was for legal purposes, we never really had much interest in the institution. I'm 39, DH is 44. Had DD in under the first 2 years. Tried for DC 2 but no joy, had a miscarriage, now currently half way through IVF, frozen embryos available for transfer. My dad was very ill during this time and then died. It's been a whirlwind of a time and I'm so tired from it all.

I met DH a month after an 8 year relationship that had being dying for a good year, that relationship was madness and DH came along and was just no drama, relaxed, we got on well. It suited me perfectly.

Since 2016, I've tried nine times between writing letters and talking to my DH about the lack of emotion I get from him, I haven't ever felt he took me seriously or wanted to make it right. He is just not tuned into how I am, he doesn't want to know about my life, doesn't just behave loving towards me. Intimacy between us is functional, I certainly don't feel like he is making love to me. I'd get a token effort for a while after I'd try talking to him but nothing like I needed. We are so emotionally different, something I did not see until we had had DD and DH says he can't change who he is. DH is passive about everything in his life, me included. I guess I was closed off after the madness of my last relationship and I didn't need anything from him too so he isn't all to blame.

In a nutshell we never truly got to know each other, DH never wanted to know about my past, if I tried to find out much about his, I got little. Basically I don't know what makes him tick. I feel so stupid saying this now. When my dad died and I had the miscarriage, I got nothing from him, I almost had to be on the floor sobbing before he would realise how upset I was. I feel so lonely now for so long. I rarely get hugged or kissed. And yes I was closed off too but I've tried to fix it and got nothing.

I've started to find myself again, made more friends through my hobby and I realise I need to take control of my life and be happy, I was becoming a shell. I have started going out more myself with my own friends. DH has no interest in anything, I've to lead him in everything. He doesn't enjoy going out with me, he's happy to sit in the house. I am very close to my DD and I do a lot of the parenting on an emotional level aswell as practically in the evenings, I work full-time.

I don't know if DH loves me or ever did love me, I've asked him and I haven't got a straight answer. I think I did love him but he's hard to love as he won't let me in. I've asked is there someone else, is he happy, he says he is. I'm not happy. DH isn't unpleasant, we have a nice life but there's no depth. I've tuned off from him after our last conversation. This morning he said to me, maybe we need to see a counsellor, I had suggested this before but he wasn't too interested. He doesn't like that his life is being affected by me at the moment as I'm different to him, in the past I'd just get on with things when I got nowhere.

I'm very afraid this is all too late.

There's a tendency here to diagnose any man who has trouble expressing emotions as having ASD. I don't think that's appropriate, but your husband seems to have some traits. I don't think he's deliberately acting in a cruel or manipulative way. It simply doesn't occur to him to offer acts of comfort when OP needs them. That intuitive response isn't there. He can certainly sense the relationship is in trouble, but can't pinpoint exactly why.

He can certainly sense the relationship is in trouble, but can't pinpoint exactly why.

Despite the OP writing to him and telling him 9 times, almost having to be lying on the floor sobbing and loosing her Dad, loosing her baby, going through IVF.....what further detail does he need? IMHO the OP has tried too hard for too long. Generous overview is they are not compatible - alternative view is that he gains power by withdrawing and withholding.

OP what is his relationship history? How does he relate to his family, friends and colleagues?

cackling - I'm on a pause with IVF, I have embryos waiting to be put back in but unfortunately my marriage isn't right. If the marriage goes, those embryos go too sadly.

Clare - he is very passive with his family, friends, he doesn't make much effort, he has very little to do with his sisters and certainly wouldn't have a deep relationship with them. His friends make all the effort and he is very lucky they are still there as he gives very little. I have tried to push him to nurture those relationships. I said to him recently, you make zero effort with your family and friends, you are so passive and he said well they are still there aren't they. It really opened my eyes, he feels being passive serves him well I said but I don't have to stay.

He blames his parents marriage for why he is the way he is, he says there was no emotion, hugs, presents etc. That's all well and good but everyone has some baggage due to their upbringing but there comes a time where you've to deal with it, he is mid 40's, he needs to sort it out.

I don't know anything about spectrum disorders so am not speaking to them.

However, your husband reads as very self satisfied with his world and how little he contributes or engages with those around him but expecting them to carry on running after him.

I think your loneliness is palpable and I think you are flogging a dead horse with him

You may well spend the next few years killing yourself trying to drag some empathy and emotion from him but honestly wtf.

Is that really what you want to be preoccupied with during these precious years with your DD.

Let it go. Move on. Take time for your DD and yourself.

Life is so very short. I appreciate you would love another child, I really really do, but that may never happen.

Embrace your DD, enjoy her, savour every moment with her as she is growing and let this cold fish of a husband go.

Once you are gone you never know what the universe has in store for you.

Living with such apathy is soul destroying.

💐

Another vote for the thought that maybe he is autistic. It took me 15 years of friendship and 4 years of marriage... and an autistic family member to realise mine was. Great on paper, but everything felt a bit robotic and no depth. It’s hard.

Billy - I've never looked at it that way about my DD. I probably haven't being enjoying her fully due to how I've felt. That's sad for her and me.

Just a quick update. I had it out with DH, told him I was at the end of my tether and what was he planning on doing about it. He said he was shocked I felt this way even though I've been trying to sort it for three years. He said he loves me, he's happy and doesn't want to separate. I had to leave then for work so it was left at that, that was a week ago. We have been pleasant since then but nothing else.

I feel like he is leaving me with no options. I don't know what to do next. It's all back on me now again. He had mentioned counselling to me but to be honest I feel he is the one that needs to sort himself out. The way he pitched it to me was that he was obviously not making me happy and he needs someone to tell him how to do it. I really don't see how that would benefit me or indeed us.

I really don't know what to do next. I'm taking four nights away next week for myself. My own family were supportive initially when I told them but now have told me I'm making a mistake. I feel so alone and fed up.

I'm very afraid this is all too late.

Too late for what? To be the person he never was and to fulfil needs in you that he never has?

This is who he is and it sounds like you’ve never fully accepted that and the long term effects that his personality would have on you and your relationship with him.

I didn't like to say so before, but now others have raised it....my XP was ASD and sounds very very similar (even down to the parents who gave no affection, probably because his father appears to be undiagnosed ASD too).

But it's not something that can be overcome, only accommodated, in my experience. i wasn't prepared to go the next forty years without a hug, yet be expected to sympathise with his every ache or pain.

I know I am better off alone than with someone who was happy with a status quo that left me feeling lonely.

People just don’t change. You have to accept who he is or leave really. You can’t live like you are now. It’s just limbo

I agree this is who he is. This is the limit if his emotional capability - he either can’t not won’t - doesn’t matter as the outcome is the same.

You are not compatible now.

He maybe his numb demeanour met your needs temporarily when you came out of your abusive relationship - he was a safe neutral landing place. But as life carried on you needed more than he can give.

It sounds suffocating, unsatisfying and distressing for you. No way to live. No way for your child to be brought up in this tumble weed emotional environment.

You are flogging a dead horse - stop - and redirect this energy to acceptance and moving on a brighter, lighter, joyous future.