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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD if your DP said this about you?

78 replies

NewStart571 · 01/09/2019 20:24

That in looks he rates you as a 5-6 out of 10 in looks?

Would this affect your self esteem? It’s playing on my mind.

Btw, this is a recent ex for many different reasons.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2019 03:16

You hit the nail on the head op when you said "it has cut me quite deeply" this was what it was designed to do lovely, and I'll say this with great empathy and kindness, you believing this comment for a nano second more, is giving it and him all the power.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said " no one can make you feel inadequate, without your consent"

Just because he said it, doesn't make it true

💐

prawnsword · 02/09/2019 03:29

People who rate other people’s looks on a scale are small minded. Attraction is so personal.... have heard guys say Angelina Jolie is quote “ugly” - someone more emotionally intelligent would acknowledge she is just not their “type”. Plenty of people find big geeky looking girls super sexy. As you say, personality counts for a lot.

Limpshade · 02/09/2019 03:33

Please stop analysing his comment and allowing him to waste even more of your time!

This reminds me of a gorgeous, highly-intelligent and successful Friend who once dated a guy who rated women on a "beef scale" from 1-5. "Pet mince" = 1 and "rib-Eye" = 5. It was years ago but I still remember him explaining it proudly in minute detail, because I was Shock. He then told us he rated my Friend "rump" (3). Hmm She was chuffed to bits because at the time she thought he was god's gift.

My point is that these ratings have nothing to do with the person being rated and everything about the "rater". Calling my friend a 3 didn't make her a 3. It made him a tactless, unfeeling, misogynistic asshole.

Noimaginationxyzz · 02/09/2019 05:55

I'm a notorious worrier and over analyser, but I genuinely wouldn't give a stuff. Exes don't think we're the best thing ever, but people who want to date you now / next, and your friends will think you're great. It's so irrelevant what he thinks / thought of you.

Original poster
NewStart571 · 02/09/2019 07:02

I stupidly asked, as I was desperate for some validation from him that he found me attractive and that our relationship had a future.

I know I shouldn’t have asked the question if I didn’t want to hear the answer but in a way I think I needed to hear it in order for me to have the strength to get out.

He definitely wasn’t joking.

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 02/09/2019 07:08

Nobody would give that answer unless they were deliberately trying to make you feel bad. OR have no empathy whatsoever. Either way, you're well rid.

I know how you feel re it stinging so much - there are things people have said to me over the years that I can't seem to shake off and still give me a gut punch when I think about them.

I think the only way is to overpower these negative memories by making some positive ones, so the bad ones are kind of outnumbered.

I think the way you feel is normal for someone who doesn't have super high self esteem, I'd have been upset by this too and don't know many people who would feel otherwise.

The GOOD thing is you know when it comes to being a cunt he's a solid 11/10 and now you don't have to deal with him anymore!

WalkofShame · 02/09/2019 07:08

I think I’d laugh in his face, especially if he rated himself too.

Then I’d explain that attractiveness is about the whole package and actually, he’s not done himself any favours with that, and then I’d walk, shaking my head and thanking my lucky stars the whole way home. What a wanker!

30to50FeralHogs · 02/09/2019 09:32

I know I shouldn’t have asked the question if I didn’t want to hear the answer but in a way I think I needed to hear it in order for me to have the strength to get out.

You were looking for something to validate your decision - he’s given it to you. He’s not for you. Set him free to make someone else feel like shit. You deserve better Flowers

Pinkbonbon · 02/09/2019 09:58

Yeah he was trying to make you feel like shit. You're right about the starting point you would say to anyone being a 7. And if they are your partner you'd probably add more just because of being smitten.

Pointing out he rated higher was a particularly narcissistic thing to do to. Those sorts always want you to feel not good enough and like you don't quite measure up and should be grateful the almighty them, chose you.

You're well rid, he'll never be happy with anyone cause he's a big sucky black hole of empty.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2019 10:10

You've clearly stated that he is an absolute asshole!
Why are you allowing him to take up headspace with his shitty comment?
Please stop over thinking this.
He is cruel and was trying to knock your confidence.
All part of being an asshole.
Move on from this and don't allow any man to ever drag you down!

Bluee91 · 02/09/2019 11:45

My ex was like this, thought he was God's gift. He didnt ever rate me but he did one night sit down with me a write a list of what I could change about myself to be better looking and more 'his type'..

GilbertMarkham · 02/09/2019 11:52

Also, they may look like a skinny, pale, hairy maggot, and stand naked in front of a mirror pulling poses, and somehow still be capable of convincing themselves that they look like an Adonis.
We may have a bit of left over baby belly and some cellulite, some bingo wings, and we spend ages in front of the mirror, squeezing it, dieting, refusing to go out in public, on beaches without marquee-like cover-ups and feeling gruesome. Pretty sure that reflects in how we respond to each other as well.

So true.

There are exceptions of course but generally women are hyper critical and harsh of their own looks while men are not.

GilbertMarkham · 02/09/2019 11:53

Op since he can't rate himself accurately, what makes you think he can rate you accurately?!

Gemma1971 · 02/09/2019 12:00

Also had an ex like this. Although he never rated me, he made it clear in covert and subtle and obvious ways that he did not think highly enough of my appearance. What in God's name he was even doing chasing after me every time I dumped him I have no idea! Point is, it IS negging, it's to make YOU feel so bad about yourself and think they are the prize and you will NEVER find anyone like THEM - especially as you are not attractive enough.

A nasty tactic employed by abusers and jerks alike. Also got badly scarred by this but coming out the other end after a LOT of work to love myself again. There are some men who do this because they have read on those hideous online guides that teach them to blow hot and cold to keep a woman's interest. Sick manipulation and anyone who does this to you KNOWING how badly it can screw someone up, especially if they may be sensitive about some aspect of themselves to begin with, is REALLY not worth your precious time.

GilbertMarkham · 02/09/2019 12:04

Also ratings are subjective.

My dp would rate me higher than many other men - because I am his type.

Other men have been distinctly less impressed/complimentary - because I'm not their type. My dp likes slim athletic women and finds pear shapes/big hips unattractive. My friends dp (who described me as "not having a pick on you!") thinks she's the bomb - and she has big hips, most definitely does not have an athletic shape. It takes all sorts.

GilbertMarkham · 02/09/2019 12:06

I've been rejected by guys (because I'm not their physical and/or personality type) and gone on to pull better, that's what you don't get when you're young.

GilbertMarkham · 02/09/2019 12:07

(ie that's what you don't understand when you're young).

faceorembrace · 02/09/2019 15:24

If you have to ask your partner if they find you attractive you are in the wrong relationship - a good partner will make you feel attractive without prompting.

Agree with others - he enjoyed your insecurity which is why he made sure he told you that he rated himself higher than you.

I once had a flat mate who was honestly one of the most physically attractive women I have ever seen, slim, shapely, beautiful skin, beautiful features, beautiful hair. She had a boyfriend who told her repeatedly that she was ugly and no-one else would ever want her.

What he said to you was nothing to do with how you look and everything to do with his internal shit.

Griefmonster · 02/09/2019 16:42

I completely agree with PPs saying rating itself is reductive and cruel. But putting that aside and assuming you do think rating someone is a decent idea - why do you trust his judgement?

He's shown himself to be an arse anyway. Would you trust his views on other things? Has he demonstrated great insight in the past. Did you often hear him expressing his opinion and thinking "gosh - he's so right! That's exactly how I see things/this person".

ButterflyOne1 · 02/09/2019 17:06

Well he's an ex so not DP therefore I couldn't care less.

Do you rate yourself as a 5-6 out of 10?

Original poster
NewStart571 · 02/09/2019 17:22

I’ve entered a spiral of self hatred. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I feel repulsive and unloveable.

I think I might need to speak to my counsellor about this.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 02/09/2019 18:01

Men seem to think that a penis = attractiveness + 3 as a minimum.
Men are (in general) raised to overvalue their own appeal while women undervalue theirs.
Thats the only reason I can think of why so many lovely women end up with utter bellends who seem to think they are gods gift.

Vgtasd · 02/09/2019 22:03

Men are Very good at attacking your self esteem, my ex husband screamed "ugly" in my face years ago and I've never got over it, current partner seems to delight in taking awful photos of me and then sending them to me, he is currently on a night out and has just sent me a photo taken by one of his mates of me looking very rough on a night out, they must be discussing how I look 😱

justilou1 · 03/09/2019 05:12

I think that the counsellor is a very, very good idea. I suspect that this problem goes deeper than the dickhead ex, or you wouldn’t have fallen for his shit in the first place.

Joans3rddaughter · 03/09/2019 05:50

If it has come to the sorry state of rating by numbers, I would ask him if the reason he was only able to score himself 7-8/10 was because he has a small penis ?

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