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Original poster

Loss of trust

35 replies

MiraMa132 · 01/09/2019 18:47

Thanks in advance for reading all of this. It's a long one.
About a year and a half ago, right after our daughter turned one, I found out that her father (we are together but not married) had been in touch with an ex-girlfriend while I was pregnant. I first found an explicit photo, and when I asked him about it, he said it was from before we were together. Except it had a date on it. He then said she sent it to him, that she's a little crazy, he wasn't intersted, and immediately blocked her. Again, called bullsh*t, remembered that I'd seen her name pop up on my Facebook searches (he was on my account looking at her page apparently as he doesn't have an account), so I messaged her. She told me he had told her that we were split up, not living together, and she had sent several pictures that he'd asked for.
He was immediately regretful, apologized profusely, vowed to be honest in the future, etc etc. He seemed genuinely sorry, and I didn't want to break things up, but this has sent my trust issues spiraling out of control
Flash forward,to a couple of months ago. I started snooping again, and found multiple messages to his friends about checking out other women, chatting up a hot 18 year old bartender, with comments about how awesome it would be to bang her. Comments about sometimes he things about how nice it would be to be able to have sex with whoever he wants with no responsibilities. Demeaning comments about how a new coworker needs to dress conservatively or it will ruin his sanity. And on and on.
Again, apologized profusely. Said they were just mostly jokes with friends. He would never act on it. Etc etc. I don't think I can accept this. But to break up the family seems very hard.
Does this sound like harmless banter? He doesn't go out and stay out late. I don't think there's many chances for him to cheat, but my thought is that if he has this mindset, he will eventually. Anytime he does go out I'm at home basically panicking. It's not healthy. Can it be salvaged?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 01/09/2019 19:01

There are always ways and opportunities to cheat....
So if I were you - i’d think about protecting yourself and your daughter in case you breakup.
You had a child with him and aren’t married. What’s your living situation?
Hope you haven’t giving up a career to stay at home because you have no claim on anything.
Are there - were there any plans to get married?
He is clearly looking around - and so far very ineptly. He will learn eventually.
You need to be smart

Original poster
MiraMa132 · 01/09/2019 19:12

Thanks for the reply MMmomDD. We are currently living together, in a home we recently bought. I work from home, and she is in daycare two days a week currently, so I've got my own income, but it isn't very substantial. Probably just barely enough to afford my own place.
There have been talks of marriage, but nothing concrete.
He says this 'looking around' is fantasy only. That he has no plans to actively pursue anything, but I believe that, given the right place and the right time, with this mindset, something is bound to happen.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/09/2019 19:14

He sounds an utter prick. How can you even look at him ? Confused

Original poster
MiraMa132 · 01/09/2019 19:26

AnyFucker I will tell you, it's very fahking difficult. With our daughter, he is an amazing, thoughtful, caring father. And he never speaks this way around me. This attitude I've described only seems to prevail with his friends. But it's completely disgusting. I wholeheartedly abhor this male perspective and think it's absolute shit.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 01/09/2019 19:28

Thing is OP, even if it’s just his idea of banter/fantasy, it’s hugely unkind to you and guys like this rarely get better, just hide it better. Some women know their partners are like this (and a few women too are like this) and live with it because they like other aspects of their life. Personally it would take over me mentally and I wouldn’t be able to view them the same way ever again. I would feel like I was there to cook, clean and service his dick.

Original poster
MiraMa132 · 01/09/2019 19:38

Ugh, right? It has taken me over mentally. He's used the line that 'this is just how guys talk' and that I'm over-reacting, blah blah blah. I hate to believe that's that is how all men's minds work.

OP posts:
Missmadamefluff · 01/09/2019 19:44

That is not how guys talk! that is how disrespectful boys talk. Move on. There are lovely men out there that will love you and respect you

Original poster
MiraMa132 · 01/09/2019 19:48

Missmadeamefluff that is true-sounds like an adolescent boy's talk. Thank you.

OP posts:
Missmadamefluff · 01/09/2019 19:52

I want to say this to you, I bet you are hot "as fuck" and he's lucky to have you.
And he said this "no plans to actively pursue anything" BUT he already did do that with his ex. Also, fantasy? fuck off. Disrespectful for those poor women and you.

I have a little girl and I said to my bf, if you treat me in a way that I don't want her to be treated... You're out mate. You don't want your little girl to ever think that is what she deserves. You should be treated like a queen. x

Missmadamefluff · 01/09/2019 19:53

Also if it was " harmless banter" it wouldn't hurt so much. I've been in your position. Get out, its better for you and your daughter x

Reallynowdear · 01/09/2019 19:56

Sorry, but he's already been unfaithful and looking again.

What would you say if your sister/best friend told you these details?

Claphands · 01/09/2019 19:59

What she said ⬆️⬆️⬆️

I,agree, he’s already crossed that line with his ex. Men do banter but I cannot imagine my husband saying such explicit things for example although I’m sure he does come out with some stuff with his mates, but no contact and nothing so personal or about anyone they actually know.
I know marriage isn’t everyone’s thing but the fact that’s it’s been vaguely mentioned and he/you have done nothing to progress that seems very lacklustre in my mind, especially when you have a child together!

Ihatefootball86 · 01/09/2019 20:12

I think he is 'in the mindset to cheat' as you said.

I don't think I could live like that to be honest. I'd give very good odds on him cheating in the future. My husband is sent girls instagram pics by his lad mates in group chats and they all comment but even the single ones don't say anything as disrespectful and sleazy as the ones you described your boyfriend making.

Good luck

Omniverse · 01/09/2019 20:23

Ugh! Why are you with him?

Prick he is

Original poster
MiraMa132 · 01/09/2019 20:38

Thank you all. It makes me feel crazy when he pulls the line that all of this is hypothetical/joking around/not serious talk.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/09/2019 20:39

This is not normal. Unless you are an immatut6e prick...in which case you should let him crack on. Away from you.

SpearEyes890 · 01/09/2019 20:44

You don't deserve this my lovely. Too many way flags for me. My besties first love did this too much and in the end she just walked out cold, blocked, the job. Never looked back x

Ikesmum · 01/09/2019 22:21

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 18 years (married for 10) and this summer he decided he wanted life to be different. He wanted more friends, to have more freedom. After he told me this, he changed all the passwords on his phone etc. He then started texting a lady from work who he says is a friend. I believe nothing has happened, however I also believe they have a very intense friendship. They text each other most days about what they are drinking, eating, reading. They send quotes from books etc. Whilst on holiday with our 3 children I know that’s she sent him at least 50 photos ( in 19 days) of what she was up to/eating/drinking at home. I’m not sure on what he sent her as he won’t tell me but to
Me, why is there the need to speak to my husband daily? Each quiet moment he had on his own, he text her- why is she on his
Mind? She is married too but as soon as she arrived on her holiday to Greece, she text him to say she had arrived and asked where he was going out for dinner that night. Bareing in mind she has never been mentioned at home before, am I right to feel jealous and angry about what’s going on?

Original poster
MiraMa132 · 01/09/2019 22:34

That sounds to me like the beginning of something more. It's a little intense for just a friendship, in my opinion. I would certainly be worried. And if it bothers you, then he should respect that and back off a bit. Also highly suspect that he changed all his passwords. Not sure what that has to do with making friends. Sounds like he's making moves. Why is he spending all his quiet moments texting her and not spending time with you? I'd be pissed.

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 01/09/2019 22:43

@Ikesmum I'd be telling your husband how uncomfortable you are and I'd also. Id also be getting in touch with said friend and telling her to back the fuck off - that amount of texts and pics while you are on holiday is excessive and unnecessary. Added to that the changing of the password is suspicious to me.

Op, your partner is a cheat. It's that simple. Whether he's done it yet or not he will sooner or later. He's massively disrespectful, his behaviour is not 'banter' and he's looking for ways to get with other women. Cut your losses now and get shot of him, you plainly deserve so much better

girlwithadragontattoo · 01/09/2019 22:50

If it was reversed and it was you saying this how would he react?

Do you think you will leave? Is this a deal breaker for you?
I think if you were to stay he'll eventually grate you down and down until you loose your self esteem altogether. There are plenty of other threads on MN where this kind of behaviour was just the start

Original poster
MiraMa132 · 01/09/2019 23:28

@girlwithadragontattoo I proposed that very notion to him, what if I was saying this kind of stuff to my friends. His response was that, as long as it doesn't go beyond words, it doesn't matter. I do believe he feels remorse, but he was also so sorry the first time around too...
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. As I've said, he shows dedication in many other ways, but my self esteem has definitely taken a hit from all of this. And the constant worry is unhealthy. I'm a naturally suspicious person anyway. He has apologized profusely, and said he will not say these kinds of things anymore, but I'll never know because he got mad that I was snooping and changed his password immediately. Seems like I could have it a lot worse, and trying to go it alone would be a lot of extra stress.

OP posts:
JudgyPantsAndAMartyrBra · 02/09/2019 00:36

All men don't talk about women like that at all. Only immature boys or men who think women are pieces of meat do.

My husband has left several nights out early, left several group chats when a few start acting like that because he hates it and it makes him uncomfortable. Most of the men in his friendship group don't join in and try to change subject to something else but husband things being silent can look like you agree or don't mind it so he makes excuses and leaves if they keep going on when a woman walks in.

If it's all harmless and fun then I assume he won't get angry if, when your dd becomes a teenager and his mates talk about how fit she is and how they'd like to bang her, he's laugh along with them then? Or would he be annoyed and offended? If he thinks it's ok for him to do it to other teenage girls then his own teenage daughter is fair game for other men? If he wouldn't be ok with his mates saying they'd like to bang his teenage daughter, or men she may work with discussing her body in a sexually explicit way with mates then why does he think it's ok for him to do it about someone's else's daughter?

I hope they aren't openly gawping and making comments to these women, feel sorry for the teenage barmaid if they're openly sleazing on her while she's at work

Other women being ok with type of stuff doesn't mean you have to be. I wouldn't be and given that he's already broken your trust. He's shown he's disrespectful to you and other women in his life. If it was me I'd be considering leaving but we both have strong boundaries and are clear about we put in the cheating category and the seeking out and contacting his ex would have been the end of my marriage. Best of luck with whatever path you choose Thanks

MsDogLady · 02/09/2019 04:45

Mira, what are your dealbreakers?

Your partner betrayed you by contacting his ex for explicit photos and lying to your face about it twice. He lied to her about your relationship status to interact sexually with her. He has been sniffing around other women and speaking about them in despicable ways. He assumes that you will overlook his wrongdoing as long as he ‘apologizes profusely.’

Don’t you deserve to be with a decent, trustworthy man who actually respects you instead of this lying cheat?

AzraiL · 02/09/2019 05:17

Men do not banter about women like that at all. In fact my DH and his friends (like 10 of them) always slowly freeze out people who 'banter' like your DH.