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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking of leaving husband 5 months pregnant

39 replies

JY8819 · 01/09/2019 13:20

I know this sounds absolutely crazy but I'm just so unhappy in our relationship and since I've gotten pregnant our relationship has gone rapidly downhill. I'm really not sure what to do as I don't know if its hormones or stress / worry on both sides about having a baby but I honestly feel like it would be easier to do this without him.

We've had issues in the past but nothing major and we both planned this baby...things weren't great when we were trying to be honest but he has problems with 'finishing' so it was very stressful and created a lot of pressure / tension trying to conceive. Before all that things were fine!

Since I've been pregnant he's been incredibly unenthusiastic, unsupportive and negative about everything baby-related. He says he's sick of me talking about it, had no patience for my morning sickness and just doesn't seem interested even though he was fully on board with starting a family before.

I just feel like he speaks to me like crap all the time, criticises me for not being really tidy even though I've been working 12-hour days in a stressful corporate environment and been totally knackered on evenings / weekends but I feel like he expects the same from me and just doesn't give me a break at all. His timing for criticising me always seems to be when I'm really tired and worn out.

Whenever I spend time with family and friends I get really excited about the baby / planning everything then I'll show something to him and he'll just say it's too early to be looking / its too expensive / why do we need that (we both earn plenty - he's just very tight outside of buying himself expensive gadgets). I feel like he's spoiling what should be a really happy time in both our lives by being so negative.

I know its not major stuff and I am without a doubt much more up and down with the hormones but we're generally just not getting along / winding each other up constantly. We had a huge row today and he called me the c -word so I just went nuts, we were out shopping and I took the car and left him there....I don't think its ever acceptable to speak to each other like that I don't want that environment for the baby. I feel like we'd both be better parents if not together, I just feel so stupid for getting myself in this situation.

If I'm honest the main thing thats stopping me is I'm terrified of doing this alone but I think it might be the best thing. Its even more complicated because we work together (my mother is director of the company we work for), we have a mortgage together etc so there's a lot of stuff to work out and the thought of doing all this while pregnant or with a newborn is not appealing. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 01/09/2019 13:24

That sounds very stressful OP.

It seems to be quite common for men to get cold feet during pregnancy but be fine after. But it is a classic time for abuse to start.

However using the c word is unacceptable. What did you argue about?

What do your family think?

blackcat86 · 01/09/2019 13:27

Do you have family or friend support you could use. If it's bad now it will be worse when baby is here and you're exhausted. Could you kick him out for a few days to show him.yhe gravity of the situation and give you time to think.

WaitingInTheBushesOfLove · 01/09/2019 13:47

OP, do you think he is gonna be any help when baby is here?

Imagine having to deal with a newborn plus an unsupportive partner expecting you to clean, cook, wash his clothes etc etc since you are on maternity leave now so of course it will be your job to do everything. (Just to clarify no i don't think it should be OP's job to do everything)

If you fear that that might be the future you might as well end things now if you have had enough (and you see things getting worse). At least baby won't care if the house is a mess or the only thing you have made for dinner is a cheese and ham toastie.

MaybeNew · 01/09/2019 13:49

If he has used the c word then you should leave him. It’s completely unforgivable and a sign of how unpleasant he is. If he can’t be kind to you now when you are pregnant with your planned baby, then his behaviour will be worse with all the stress that a new born brings.

HollowTalk · 01/09/2019 14:02

It's great that it's your mum in charge, not his mum.

He sounds really awful. I can't imagine staying with someone who called me names like that.

Loopytiles · 01/09/2019 14:05

Ending the relationship sounds sensible.

You could try couple’s counselling to decide what to do, and/or seek to reach agreement on how to split finances etc.

SpearEyes890 · 01/09/2019 14:14

Its a big thing to jump out the plane like that but there's a lot of turbulence it sounds.put that ultimatum to him and see if her changes first

pumapuma · 01/09/2019 14:16

You say it’s not major stuff but in my opinion it is. I have ended up in a dreadful marriage with an unkind and unsupportive husband because of ignoring early red flags exactly like this. I wish I’d got out at the stage you are now. Raising kids with somebody unkind and lacking empathy is soul destroying.

HelloMumsnutters · 01/09/2019 14:18

Have you talked to him about this? Or is that why you had a row today?

Can you go and stay with someone for a few days?

MMmomDD · 01/09/2019 14:24

Having a baby is a big change and is scary for many people. Men, in particular often worry about being ‘demoted’ in the pecking order in a relationship. So - it’s likely he is going through this. Possibly even without realising it.
And you are also hormonal.
If course it doesn’t excuse him using that language.

If I were you - i’d just get on with planning and preparing for the baby. Get excited with your female friends and family. Most men do not care about shopping for baby gadgets and strollers. Just leave him out of it and do it yourself. Really.
Let him get through this phase on his own.
In your place i’d Not make any decisions now, or for a while after the baby is born.
Gojng from a family of 2 to 2+baby is a big shock and it takes a while to adjust to.
Just look at all these posts on MN by young mothers.

Hang on in there. If the relationship was ok before this - and then the pregnancy/impending arrival is causing stress - don’t throw away the relationship just yet.

Original poster
JY8819 · 01/09/2019 15:26

Thanks for the replies..we're not speaking at the moment but I know need to speak about it. We have spoken about it before many times but we just don't see / agree with each others' point of view.

The argument today was a continuation of a fight we had yesterday....I'd been working since 6am on a saturday to get finished in time for some mutual friends coming over. I cleaned the whole house myself (he did the garden so we split the jobs) but then while I'm cleaning he comes in the bedroom and starts having a go at me for leaving a yoghurt pot next to the bed?! I have been messy as been working at home all week very long days on a tight deadline but to criticise someone while they are cleaning / addressing the criticism just seems crazy. I told him to give me a break I was exhausted and he hadn't offered to help me to take the pressure off all week...that I was cleaning now. He kept going on at me and I just lost it and told him to leave me alone.

We didn't address the argument just kind of got on with it when the friends arrived. He then complained about not being able to play music loud when I went to bed early (10pm) in front of our friends but I ignored it..he hasn't had a drink for a while so thought he was just being a bit drunk and annoying. So then today we argue because he still thinks I'm in the wrong about the fight yesterday...I ask him to apologise and he calls me a 'hypocritical little c**t'...hence I left him there.

As you can see all petty trivial stuff but its like this all the time at the moment. I can't remember why i used to like him but i know i did and i know he wasn't like this. He just comes off as brash, rude and un-kind and I really don't like being around him. He never apologises or backs down in a fight, its always me even if I know I'm right because I want life to go on.

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 01/09/2019 15:57

I'd leave now. Hindsight and all, once he's crossed the line to verbal abuse, it's a line that can't be uncrossed. It's a complete lack of respect.

Break up, get living where YOU want, eg if you need to move to family/friends, he can stop you once baby is born, but not now.

He can still be an involved parent, but you don't need to put up with that. And it'll be your childs status quo from day 1 - they won't know any different. Don't waste more of your life on him.

pog100 · 01/09/2019 16:28

That's NOT trivial. It's a husband being a complete bastard to a knackered overworked pregnant wife. He is showing what he is. It will be many times worse with a baby meaning no one gets any sleep..
Leave him now, with time to get stuff sorted out.

Breathlessness · 01/09/2019 16:34

How was your relationship before you became pregnant?

SusieOwl4 · 01/09/2019 16:43

I know its easy to worry about the bigger picture , the house , working together etc but it does look like a trial separation might be in order . you need to enjoy the pregnancy without all the negativity . If you feel relieved and happier then you know you have done the right thing

AgentJohnson · 01/09/2019 17:00

You wouldn’t be the first woman who has to deal with this type of bullshit. It’s no coincidence that it’s ramped up when you are more vulnerable.

If I were you, I would draw a line in the sand and basically tell him to either step the f up or f the f off. You need to make it clear that his behaviour doesn’t meet your standards of behaviour and you won’t let his shit spoil this time for you. Basically he needs to know that you have options and accepting his shit, isn’t one of them.

MaeveDidIt · 01/09/2019 17:12

He's become abusive because he sees you as now being vulnerable and reliant on him.
I think he needs to ship-out and face-up to the bastard he has been.
At least you are in a strong position job-wise, but he's the one that will probably be feeling rather insecure now. Serves him right.
On another note, you must be absolutely exhausted. Not blowing my own trumpet, but my DH would have done the garden and the cleaning.
Take care and look after you and your baby.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2019 17:37

He sounds like a pain in the neck and very unhelpful.

A partner who constantly criticises just wears you down, till their mere breathing becomes an annoyance.

Before you reach the point of hate perhaps at least a separation would be something to explore.

The fact you can't remember what you once liked about him is a bit strange.

Original poster
JY8819 · 01/09/2019 21:22

I'm really scared he's going to turn nasty and try and get full custody of the baby or something...during the argument he said if i was going to be that untidy i wasn't fit to be a mother to his baby ('his' not 'ours'). Again, this was while I was cleaning the house. I think we've gone beyond the point of no return now as he's said such hurtful things and just seems to be filled with no much dislike for me.

OP posts:
Weejo39 · 01/09/2019 21:47

This happened to me whilst pregnant, however I stayed till my DS was nearly two years old. In hindsight, I could have done it on my own as he was more work than my baby boy. Life is so much easier just my son and I. Also I have little help from family as parents not able to help in any way.

Weejo39 · 01/09/2019 21:48

Also, the BS about getting custody our utter rubbish! This won't happen and don't put him on the birth certificate.

bluebell34567 · 01/09/2019 21:59

can you speak to your mother about that?

VitreousHumour · 01/09/2019 22:17

Agree with weejo- don't put him on the birth cert. he will use the baby to get at you.

Original poster
JY8819 · 01/09/2019 22:30

Don't I have to put him on since we'd still be married on paper? I have no idea what usually happens with custody, I'm guessing the mother would usually get custody unless in cases of drug abuse / neglect etc but i wouldn't even want to leave the baby at all especially when breastfeeding. I hope he's just saying this to be hurtful...considering he's shown zero interest in the pregnancy so far!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/09/2019 22:34

OP, there is absolutely nothing trivial about his foul language and his treatment of you.

Please stop minimising his appalling behaviour and treatment of you.

I also think he has crossed a line of no return.

I am married more than 25 years and my husband and I have irritated each other and got on each other's wick on many occasions but we would never come within a 100 miles of speaking to each other like that.

Please approach someone IRL for support.

You can definitely do this on your own.

Don't waste years with someone who treats you so badly.

Tell your Mum.