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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Used for sex?!

28 replies

confused889 · 01/09/2019 11:27

So apologies as this could be a long one.. met a guy through mutual friends a few years ago now know each other pretty well started of as friends as I was in an on off Rship drunkenly slept together a year ago for the first time (during period I wasn’t with my ex )

He was pursuing me quite hard after this wanted to go on dates asked to take me away etc but admittedly I was in a situation with my now ex and wasn’t ready to move on from it yet I explained all of this to this guy.. we remained friends spoke all the time saw each other now and then when the group of friends all met up but was never one on one just me and him.. it was clear he liked me and everyone could see that.

Fast forward to a few months ago now completely out of the situation with my ex and feel I am over him.. started talking to this guy more and more and began to like him we started going on what I would say were ‘dates’ took me to a very nice expensive restaurant he paid etc he stayed at mine a few times and we slept together everything seemed to be going ok although it hasn’t been long just a few months.

He’s a few years younger than me I’m 30 and he is 28 and in the back of my mind I’ve always wondered because of comments he’s made in the past whilst we was just friends if he’s just after a casual thing.

Yesterday he made a comment I didn’t like about me starting to develop feelings for him as if it was a bad thing ?? Anyway this resulted in a long back and fourth conversation wether or not me and him had potential to go any further and was this just fun to him. He basically ended up saying he doesn’t know why we are talking about this and he doesn’t like these conversations and why would we put a title on things?! .. I was shocked as I never mentioned title I just wanted to know if he felt this could go anywhere later down the line.
I said did he feel this was just fun and sex and he said let’s call it that if you want that’s usually how things develop .. so I said to him so you just want sex from me ? And he sent me a long msg saying he is not doing this he was enjoying my time and being around me why did I have to mention this and he doesn’t want anything never really did and we should be friends ??

Am I wrong in thinking if a guy has been pursuing me for years taking me out wants to go away etc there may be potential for it to develop ?.. he knows me well he knows I am not up for casual sex and he knows I want to settle down now I feel like he’s used me we only had sex the other day.

I didn’t responsd to his last msg cos it was utter bshit.. have I mentioned this to him too early on ? Or is he showing major red flags that he doesn’t want anything serious at all?

OP posts:

Notthetoothfairy · 01/09/2019 11:36

I think you need to take a step back from this and only reconsider if he shows he is changing.

Original poster

confused889 · 01/09/2019 11:38

@Notthetoothfairy I agree but he has just said he wants to be friends now so I guess there isn’t going to be any changes

OP posts:

Highandlow · 01/09/2019 11:40

Hello. You did nothing wrong. Just go no contact now. I had this happen to me recently. Guy pursued for months, but didn't want to even date really. Just wanted to go with flow and have sex. He said he was just talking to me as a friend ( despite calling my beautiful, his babe, saying if I am happy- he is happy, talking about couple work outs etc). It was all just words. His heart wasn't in it. You deserve better.

busybarbara · 01/09/2019 11:42

It is possible to have a relationship that you take seriously but don't think will be forever, it sounds like he might be really enjoying things as-is but is not going to commit to it being a long term forever relationship. You need to have a chat with him and say it's okay for him to be honest about that and you'll reappraise the situation then.

I would avoid going down the "used for sex" rabbit hole though. It does you no good. Unless you were only having sex in order to draw him into a long term relationship, you were clearly enjoying it too and using him just as much.

Fairenuff · 01/09/2019 11:48

You say that he knows you're not up for casual sex but you are aren't you because you've been sleeping with him without have the talk about being exclusive.

It's good that he's been honest with you. You want more than he does. You have developed feelings for him and he doesn't have those feelings for you. It's best to break it off. That doesn't make either of you wrong, you are just both looking for different things.

He doesn't want it to be complicated. He doesn't want a relationship. He's done the right thing in calling it a day. Just don't go running if you get a booty call from him.

Original poster

confused889 · 01/09/2019 11:52

@Highandlow it’s shit isn’t it.. if it’s just going to be sex I’d rather take the dating part out of it anyway as it can confuse things.. he even offered to pay to take me away but he does have money so maybe that’s nothing to him ?? Guys are confusing.. he also wanted to not use condoms and asked me to to on contraception (I refused )

@busybarbara agree with what you are saying also however I did have that conversation with him yesterday and asked him to be honest and he just seemed to be getting frustrated! And that’s when he said f it I just wanna be friends. I wasn’t asking him to say yes I see this long term
But really just a conversation about what he’s open to .. tbh he’s made me feel a right idiot and very embarrassed and this is someone I’m
Meant to have a friendship with above all else

OP posts:

Highandlow · 01/09/2019 11:56

hi @confused889. I have basically decided that I will not give men boyfriend privileges when they are not my boyfriend! I like to keep good boundaries these days, but the last guy really did bust them. He must really like you, but if he can't give you the commitment you deserve etc, it is probably best to move on. Perhaps you could have a final convo with him them maybe a bit of time off?

Original poster

confused889 · 01/09/2019 11:58

@Fairenuff whilst I agree regarding the sleeping with him without the exclusive conversation point I don’t strictly feel he has been honest with me he hasn’t once said to me he doesn’t want a Rship at all and when I’ve mentioned to him in the past we want different things he’s disagreed with me and said if that was the case why have I been pursuing you for so long.

I wouldn’t say I have develops feelings either I just wanted to know his view on things and what he was open too and I don’t feel he needed to make me feel stupid and embarrassed for mentioning it

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 01/09/2019 12:01

OP conversations like that should never be done over messaging. You need to be with the person, see their facial expression, read their body language. You can come across as very serious and insistent in messaging when irl you might just be curious and testing the water.

You can lighten the mood, you can reassure, you can change your mind. These are all human interactions that get lost in messaging. I think if you'd spoken face to face you would feel less confused whatever the outcome was. In any case, at least you were both honest with each other and I think you can be friends if that's what you both want.

busybarbara · 01/09/2019 12:02

asked him to be honest and he just seemed to be getting frustrated! And that’s when he said f it I just wanna be friends

I wonder if while he's enjoying the sex - he's a man! - he actually does value your company and friendship. If he was just about sex he'd probably string you on a lot more than asking to stay friends. It does sound like he's not being honest about wanting to keep things casual though but he might also be more genuine than you think even if he can't commit. Maybe just call his bluff!

snowbear66 · 01/09/2019 12:03

Do you think looking back that he got caught up competing with your ex for you?
Men can get like this, there can be a group of 6 girls and they all want to date the same one.

Original poster

confused889 · 01/09/2019 12:07

@Fairenuff yes agree messaging can be taken in the wrong way and it probably wasn’t the best conversation to have over WhatsApp but I find it quite hard to express my feelings in person and get quite anxious. I’ve been in quite shit rships in the past don’t have any kids etc and I know ppl will say 30 is so young but most of my friends all have kids and I just feel quite pressured to meet someone and settle down which also is having an effect too.

@busybarbara yes he has told me a lot of times he likes my company wants to always stay friends regardless.. starting to wonder have I over reacted here 🙈. What do you mean by call his bluff?

OP posts:

Original poster

confused889 · 01/09/2019 12:08

@snowbear66 he did say it made him feel a bit shit yeah but I did make it clear to him I was in a situation several times and I didn’t lead him
On at any point.. but now he’s ‘got me’ it seems he doesn’t want me

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 01/09/2019 12:16

I think the chase and you being a relationship at that point which ended gave him a little power trip. Also, he is
No friend.

Block him

Fairenuff · 01/09/2019 12:17

Don't do the 'on again, off again' like you did in your last relationship. Just let it go now and hold your head up high. There is nothing wrong with asking where you stand. Neither of you has done anything wrong. Just make sure that you walk away and don't go back to him.

Original poster

confused889 · 01/09/2019 12:56

@C0untDucku1a totally agree he seemed to like the chase and knowing he couldn’t have me.. now he can he has changed

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 01/09/2019 13:05

Sounds like a headf*cker tbh. There are men that 'only want sex' and then there are the worse ones - the ones that act like they are reaaaally into you to lull you into a false sense of security and make you think they want something more but when you starts going places with them and liking them...they never let you know where you stand in words. And if you ask, all if a sudden you are apparently the one that is too full on or whatever. Its all a big con, yes he was using you for sex but he was also attempting to con you and play with your feelings, its a power thing. Don't be surprised if his idea of 'friends' also means convincing you to sleep with him too.

Ditch this man completely, he is bad news.

Robin2323 · 01/09/2019 14:46

Old fashioned as it is, it's always best to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them.

It weeds out the chaff from the wheat. (And this joker would be long gone )

Everafter1 · 01/09/2019 14:47

doesn't want to put a title on it

Ah that old chestnut! If he's been pursuing you that long and now finally has the chance, he'd take it. Believe me, it's nothing you've done wrong.

He's telling you he doesn't want to make a go of it but he won't be the one to cut you off.

Take steps to realise it's not worth seriously investing your time. I've been there OP, don't be surprised if he pursues harder when you pull away.

What matters is what he does when you're there, all for him willing to take it further. If he's not trying to do that, then distance yourself.

LittleWing80 · 01/09/2019 15:57

I’m sorry this is happening to you OP. I have been there and it is confusing and frustrating when you are in the situation. That’s how I joined MN! Now my view is that if a guy makes you feel the need to go on a forum to ask for opinions as to whether he likes you, drop him as he probably doesn’t. There are a lot of players, time wasters or guys who just like to have a well stocked backburner out there!

If a guy really likes you, you would know it. You deserve to be happy in your relationship. Hugs.

Original poster

confused889 · 01/09/2019 16:49

@Pinkbonbon exactly that ! Them type are guys I’ve always said are the worst but I genuinely thought he did like me and was open to it going somewhere.. not saying he doesn’t like me cos I do think he likes me to an extent but clearly not enough to want to pursue anything further.

@Robin2323 certainly didn’t Jump into bed with him I’ve known him almost 4 years ? And we’ve been friends for most of them only the last year and a half has it become anything else.

@Everafter1 I know that’s the line they all use ! And the joke is I wasn’t even talking about titles I was just asking if he thought it could go anywhere in the future I never once said I wanted to put a title on it as I don’t know myself if I want him to be my partner yet I just know what I’m
Ready for at this stage in my life and I don’t want to waste time. It does seem the way that he pursues harder when I am not interested but he said to me yesterday he isn’t doing this back and fourth thing anymore and we’re just friends from now on quite frankly I don’t want to be his friend now..

@LittleWing80 thanks sorry you have also been in this situation it’s not nice and yeah very confusing. The thing is he never did anything before this point to make me think he didn’t like me I actually thought he did ! Up until this point I thought it was going well till he mentioned the attachment comment and now I feel his true feelings have came out ! I forwarded his voice notes to my friend who also knows him
And she thinks he was very cold and nasty in them

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 01/09/2019 17:28

The novelty of the chase has worn off and you’ve become less interesting to him because of it.

This attachment has been built up (granted, with his encouragement) over the years but unfortunately, your hopes of the relationship you wanted, were at odds with the relationship that you accepted. ‘But he must’ve known.....’ is always a very poor explanation for explaining/ excusing surrendering this much power to a man.

Didn’t you post about this the other day? What is the value in asking the same question?

Original poster

confused889 · 01/09/2019 17:51

@AgentJohnson no I didn’t post the other day.. this happened last night and is the first time I’ve posted on mumsnet

OP posts:

SpamChaudFroid · 01/09/2019 17:57

If a person won't give a straight answer to a question like this man has, I feel it always best to tell them to piss off.

Original poster

confused889 · 01/09/2019 19:59

@SpamChaudFroid I agree

OP posts:

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