Mid-30s, 8 years with DH, 4 years married and two DCs (3.5 and 19 months).
I'm exhausted.
We both work full time in office based STEM jobs, but after that he does almost nothing at home. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, all the laundry, most of the childcare for two very active little boys, take on all the mental load around the house and end up having to facilitate his time consuming hobby. He literally would sit around doing nothing while I'm working my arse off and it's unbelievably annoying.
I've suffered from postnatal depression since the birth of my second child, he literally won't listen when I tell him something is wrong. I've been told "you're ruining my holiday" and had the car radio turned up at me when I told him I was at a low point and he's trying to convince me to come off my meds ever since I commented on side effects. They're actually working, fatigue is a side effect.
He deliberately does things that provoke my anxiety too and tries to blame me afterwards, it's very frustrating. A couple of weeks ago he said we were going for a drive and absolutely refused to tell me where we were going, then started having a go at me for not being prepared for a longer day out than anticipated when we ran out of nappies.
He has also been sexually coercive - there have been quite a few times where he makes me feel like I can't say no. After the birth of our first child he pushed and pushed until I gave in to sex 24 days after the birth, it hurt but he didn't seem to care. He also won't wear condoms or get the snip, I can't do hormonal contraception as it has serious mental health implications for me so I have a copper IUD despite the fact that I bleed to a ridiculous degree with it (I'm veggie and prone to low iron so this causes me issues every month!). When I was breastfeeding our second baby he got a massive breastfeeding fetish and would not stop grabbing my boobs and trying to suck on them and squirt milk on himself even when I clearly said no and asked him to stop. I gave up after 5 months as it was becoming incredibly triggering every time my son latched on.
It just feels like everything in my life is about him and his needs, he's even called me out for "giving the kids too much attention"! He makes financial decisions without asking me and seems to think that "better to beg forgiveness than ask permission" is a life motto. He even threw a shoe at me a couple of weeks ago after I asked him to do a simple thing he didn't want to do, then got into the car and drove off with one of the children and a backpack which had my phone and house keys in it.
I went to visit family with the children last weekend and he was on his best behaviour all week, even talking about house buying at the end of the week. I'm not signing for anything with him but I think he wants to lock me in.
I think I want out but I have no idea where to go from here. None of my family live in the UK and I'm only a year in this city.