AIBU to just want to give up on my marriage? I'm just burnt out on his crap.

[TriJo]

Mid-30s, 8 years with DH, 4 years married and two DCs (3.5 and 19 months).

I'm exhausted.

We both work full time in office based STEM jobs, but after that he does almost nothing at home. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, all the laundry, most of the childcare for two very active little boys, take on all the mental load around the house and end up having to facilitate his time consuming hobby. He literally would sit around doing nothing while I'm working my arse off and it's unbelievably annoying.

I've suffered from postnatal depression since the birth of my second child, he literally won't listen when I tell him something is wrong. I've been told "you're ruining my holiday" and had the car radio turned up at me when I told him I was at a low point and he's trying to convince me to come off my meds ever since I commented on side effects. They're actually working, fatigue is a side effect.

He deliberately does things that provoke my anxiety too and tries to blame me afterwards, it's very frustrating. A couple of weeks ago he said we were going for a drive and absolutely refused to tell me where we were going, then started having a go at me for not being prepared for a longer day out than anticipated when we ran out of nappies.

He has also been sexually coercive - there have been quite a few times where he makes me feel like I can't say no. After the birth of our first child he pushed and pushed until I gave in to sex 24 days after the birth, it hurt but he didn't seem to care. He also won't wear condoms or get the snip, I can't do hormonal contraception as it has serious mental health implications for me so I have a copper IUD despite the fact that I bleed to a ridiculous degree with it (I'm veggie and prone to low iron so this causes me issues every month!). When I was breastfeeding our second baby he got a massive breastfeeding fetish and would not stop grabbing my boobs and trying to suck on them and squirt milk on himself even when I clearly said no and asked him to stop. I gave up after 5 months as it was becoming incredibly triggering every time my son latched on.

It just feels like everything in my life is about him and his needs, he's even called me out for "giving the kids too much attention"! He makes financial decisions without asking me and seems to think that "better to beg forgiveness than ask permission" is a life motto. He even threw a shoe at me a couple of weeks ago after I asked him to do a simple thing he didn't want to do, then got into the car and drove off with one of the children and a backpack which had my phone and house keys in it.

I went to visit family with the children last weekend and he was on his best behaviour all week, even talking about house buying at the end of the week. I'm not signing for anything with him but I think he wants to lock me in.

I think I want out but I have no idea where to go from here. None of my family live in the UK and I'm only a year in this city.

Op, you need to get out. It isn't going to get any better.

Please, please find a way to leave this abusive, bullying, awful man. Other posters have suggested practical things but I just wanted to add my voice to the crowd to tell you to get out, he sounds like a terrible husband & father, abusive situationsare hard to leave but you do have options. You'll wonder why you stayed so long once the fog has cleared.

I wanted to cry when I read this. Please, please get out as soon as you can. 💐

He is abusive. You need to realise this. There is no 'talking' or counselling or discussion that changes an abusive person. Coercive sex, sucking your breasts for milk and gaslighting, these are all abuse and don't let anyone tell you differently.

He must also pay for his support for his kids, it's not just all on you.

Please contact Women's Aid or any domestic violence charities - coercive sex is a form of domestic violence - and talk to them, they will believe you.

You do not have to live this way.

I'd start making plans to leave. Your life will be 100% better without this person in your life.

Before all this, think deeply. Is he overwhelmed by the changes of parenthood? Does he need a reality check? Would he benefit from a calm, child free chat? Would he be receptive to you explaining your qualms in as blameless language as you can, suggesting ways you need him to help rather than focussing on the bad.

Fucking hell. There's always one. What should she say? 'I'm not blaming you but please stop raping me?'

Please call women's aid op and leave ASAP.

So the kids are not at school next week, too young, so can you say you want to visit your family in Ireland? I took my kids to visit family in Ireland a few years ago I just said to H I am booking to see X in a couple of weeks be great for the kids and that was that. What would happen if you said that?

@user444444 I agree that post is fucking madness

I never say 'leave' but please leave.

You deserve so much better and it's never going to get better with this man.

There’s some good news here: you are still working full time and have financial independence. This makes it easier to leave the abusive wanker. He sounds intolerable.

Crikey, he sounds like an arsehole. He is abusive, lazy and he rapes you.

I think that as you can afford to get out, even if only just, then that is what you should do. As soon as possible. I'd be willing to bet that living with such a wanker is not helping with your depression.

Dump him. Take any help that your family can realistically offer, even though it is probably time limited by geographical distance and other practical constraints.

It is helpful that you don't have the added complications of joint finances and property ownership at this stage. Use that to your advantage. He cannot control you financially, and I don't doubt that he would if he sniffed even half a chance there.

Start making plans. Get legal advice too.

Fucking hell. There's always one. What should she say? 'I'm not blaming you but please stop raping me?'
Fucking hell no need to be so fucking rude.

It can be extremely hard to leave a marriage where kids are involved. OP asked for some input and I gave some. Did you read the rest of my post? I think she should leave the awful man. But she needs to get everything in order so she can be ready. What if he denies the rape and tells a solicitor she never tried a reconciliation, a divorce could be delayed and made difficult. If she can prove she has exhausted all options, a break will be so much easier. If you don't like what I have to say just ignore it. And don't fucking swear at me.

When does your tenancy end?

Can you use the end date as a target move date? Save up between now and then?

Could you ask the LL/agent to sign you as the sole tenant when the lease comes up for renewal. This could be cheaper than a new property agreement.

Before all this, think deeply. Is he overwhelmed by the changes of parenthood? Does he need a reality check? Would he benefit from a calm, child free chat? Would he be receptive to you explaining your qualms in as blameless language as you can, suggesting ways you need him to help rather than focussing on the bad

Utter bollocks. He rapes her and tried to suck breast milk from her. He is an absolute wanker. Nothing else. The only reality check he needs is being unceremoniously dumped.

Nothing to add to practical advice on here - just to say that he sounds like a truly awful person. Whatever short term difficulties might be involved in separating, your life would be so much better without him.

You sound like a strong person and, without him there to undermine you and grind you down, you will thrive.

Imagine what things could look like in 5 years’ time if you take one path (and your mental & physical well being)...and then how it could look if you take the other.

Wishing you all the best - I am rooting for you.

Before all this, think deeply. Is he overwhelmed by the changes of parenthood? Does he need a reality check? Would he benefit from a calm, child free chat? Would he be receptive to you explaining your qualms in as blameless language as you can, suggesting ways you need him to help rather than focussing on the bad.

OP do not bother with any of this useless advice as it won't work with an abusive arsehole like your husband.

You should make plans to leave. Contact Women's Aid. They are fantastic. You may have to ring a few times before you get through though.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 www.womensaid.org.uk/

you sound ready to go hun.really truly dont let this man suck all you have in strength until you get to the point where your just so downbeaten that you cant!
all you mention make me feel sick for you.
and your children are growing.they will be either noticing or be involved with this.he will bring them into it and can you imagine them feeling an ounce of the pain you are right now becauseof him?thats not to guilt you.just to lend a thought on the futur for you all ifthis carries on.
he sounds utterly vile.you sound strong and sensitive and lovely.and likeyouve been through enough.you deserve a peaceful future.you really do.dont settle for pain.
the next few months or longer might be tough.but it will be your battle for your own life.and it will all be your decisions and coming towardsa future of happiness and freedom.so it will feel like a totally different fight for this slog your currently being dragged along.it will be one you have passion for because it will be a better life.
you can do this.but please do it.your post is so hard to read.noone deserves that.
he will try all he can to trap you.hel probably,possibly promise you the moon in order to keep you.butyou no the truth.you no what hes up to.we've all seen how these men work.

Imo a break would be so much easier if you didn't exhaust yourself and forewarn him by 'exhausting all options'. It sounds like you've endured enough abuse and disrespect.

It's not up to you to fix this beast of a man.

You need to get out as soon as you can, this isn’t a marriage, I can’t even think of a name for what you are trapped in. But for your own health and sanity, as well as the safety of your sons.

Although the word "abuse" can be overused on MN, your description of your marriage is textbook abuse.

You know your answer OP. Use that cool head of yours (and despite being ground down emotionally you are clearly cool-headed) to plan your exit.

I have a suspicion you will also be walking away from the primary trigger of your depression.

You have had great advice here, and I just wanted to add my voice to those saying please leave. Your life, your mental health and your children's lives will be vastly improved by getting away from this awful man.

Depending on where you live, there will be different types of support you can access. Please call Women's Aid who will be able to point you in the right direction. There are many organisations which support financially independent women such as yourself who don't need to access refuge accommodation but do need support to move out and on with their lives.

Best of luck. Feel free to PM me if you are in the London area and would like some support/advice directly - I work in this field.

I can't say anything else but just: LTB

Seems like there are no reasons for you to stay with this unpleasant creature. Best of luck with having a nicer life in the future.

Yeah please leave.

Abusive, coercive, gaslighting?

God, you poor thing. You will be so much happier without this world class fuckwit dragging you down.

You sound utterly crushed by him.

What is the point of trying to talk to someone who actually turns the volume up on the car radio to drown out the mother of his children when she opens up about her feelings? He's watched you wear yourself out and deliberately set you up to fail, not to mention the physical and sexual boundary breaching. He isn't listening, he doesn't care and it won't get better unless he makes massive changes to his attitude. Relate is for people who love each other and are trying to communicate better. This man is an abuser at best and is better fitted for a perpetrator programme, but that's his problem and needn't be yours any longer, OP. So sorry your time with your little ones has been blighted like this. The less those tiny boys witness their father's treatment of their mother, the better their chances of growing up to be decent human beings, I'd say!

What if he denies the rape and tells a solicitor she never tried a reconciliation, a divorce could be delayed and made difficult

She can still split from him and divorce him. She isn't obliged to try a reconciliation with someone who has actually raped her and assaulted her (the sucking of breast milk).