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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone else get constant cristism and is it normal?

52 replies

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 11:52

It just seems never ending. My weight, my appearance, keeping house tidy. I just feel my self confidence ebbing away

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Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 11:53

And makes me feel sort of frozen and unable to function

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astralplaning · 31/08/2019 11:55

It's not normal and is bound to affect your self-esteem.

Where is the constant criticism coming from?

category12 · 31/08/2019 11:58

It's emotional abuse.

PanamaPattie · 31/08/2019 11:58

No it’s not normal.

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 11:58

From my DH, I'm getting worried as he also criticizes DS.

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CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 31/08/2019 12:00

No and no

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 12:00

Example. A normal day might start at breakfast with 'have you looked at the size of your arms recently' and then carry on with a normal conversation. Not just a one off ..

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HollowTalk · 31/08/2019 12:01

You have to leave him. Anyone who talks like that is trying to destroy you.

What's your housing and work situation like?

RushianDisney · 31/08/2019 12:03

It's emotional abuse OP. My 'D'P is like this, when I challenge him he brushes it off as me being 'over sensitive' or taking it the wrong way. I know the truth though. The longer you stay the more it will eat away at your self esteem.

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 12:04

House is joint owned. I also work pt

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MIdgebabe · 31/08/2019 12:04

NOT at all normal. Seems you are in a really nasty situation.

It is possible that your dh has mental health problems that he is projecting , but if he won’t get help , you have to protect your son

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 12:07

It's just he says that he's telling me for my own good. He even says it kindly sometimes (the weight comments ) as in I have to be there for our son and not to die prematurely because of my weight (weigh under 91/2 stone but am only 5'2")

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Bananalanacake · 31/08/2019 12:08

have you tried throwing it right back at him by saying 'have you seen the size of your beer belly lately" how would he react.

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 12:09

Hmm well he doesn't have a beer belly. But it's just not very kind I don't think. And if your DP isn't kind what hope is there?!

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SophieSong · 31/08/2019 12:14

No, it is NOT normal. The weight comments are not said kindly. At a very normal weight you are hardly at risk of not being around for your son, are you? Jesus.

There's another thread on relationships right now about 'banter' where insults are disguised as a joke to the poster. What your partner is doing is in a very similar vein - but using faux concern to mask abusive comments and criticisms.

Gemma1971 · 31/08/2019 12:25

Ouch! How mean! He sounds like a total twat to be honest.

If he is worried about your weight and health, there are kinder ways to state it. NOT by randomly insulting bits of your body.

You don't sound obese or anything though. Only you know yourself whether you need to take better care of your health, but this is basically verbal abuse from a nasty man who clearly has zero concern for your feelings!!

I am fit, healthy, aged 48, am 5 7", weigh under 70 kg and have not needed to lose any weight since I was maybe in my twenties. Didn't stop my abusive ex from picking on parts of my relatively perfect body though, JUST like you. Believe me, you could have the bod of a lingerie model and these types would STILL look for something to criticise because they WANT to hurt you and make you feel like shit.

When called out on it, my ex would do one or a combination of various things: Deny, rationalise, say it was a joke, tell me he was trying to help me. But he contradicted himself. One day my arse was too fat, one day too small and I needed plastic surgery. My arms too saggy, too many blackheads on my nose, too many grey hairs, legs too muscular, too many obvious veins, hair too flat, wrinkly neck... you get the picture. These insults were delivered in various ways, and not all at once. Very nasty, clever man whom I gave too many years of my life to. He also told me I couldn't cook or clean as well as he did.

I dumped him eventually for good and he freaked out and told me I am an old bag and no man will ever want me.

Well that's not true - can you see the tactic? Can you see what is being done to you? Eventually your self-esteem will be so low, like mine, that who knows what will happen..... I arrived at a very dark place at one point because of the abuse. Out of it now. but he had a toxic hold on me for a very long time.

There is usually no hope for these people. As you have a home and a child together, it makes things more complicated, but I would still advise you look at how you could get away from him. What he is doing is beyond unacceptable and I am sure there are new laws in place about this kind of domestic abuse.

And the frozen thing - yep - I had that. He would flip back into Mr Nice Guy and I would start blaming myself and my body and started hating my poor body and looking at having plastic surgery and this, that and the other. Poor me, what he did to me as he smiled a few minutes later and asked me what I would like for dinner my love....

You don't want to believe the man you made a life with is actually a bastard. But the sooner you realise that, the quicker you will take back your power.

Gemma1971 · 31/08/2019 12:28

Sophie, yes, here it is:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3677680-when-is-it-not-banter-anymore

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 12:30

Thanks all. I think I need to give our relationship some thought. I'm worried about our DS, who seems to spend a lot of time apologising (for which he then gets criticized Angry)

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astralplaning · 31/08/2019 12:32

You need to check this out, OP

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 12:33

Oh Gemma Flowers
Thank you. It is a bit frightening...I'm also pretty isolated from friends (due to frequent moves) so starting to lose sense of reality

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astralplaning · 31/08/2019 12:37

Look for information online about emotional abuse and covert abuse. Sometimes this gets missed and people think abuse is always physical. It's not.

Well done for starting to notice this is wrong and starting this thread. You are now on the way to improving your life and that of your son.

What are your in-laws like? Did your DH grow up in a very critical home? Not that this excuses his behaviour - it doesn't. It can be helpful to find out more about his background too. I came from a hugely critical family and I know I used to be much more critical before I realised what I was doing. I was also extremely critical of myself too.

Gemma1971 · 31/08/2019 12:39

Oh God, your poor son, what he is doing to you is horrendous, but to do it to a child.... I could personally punch him for you.

Please hang onto reality. Remember, an abuser wants you to believe HIS reality, not your on. What is actually happening is he is undermining your own precious sense of yourself in many spheres of your life. Your appearance, your health and how you manage the family home. Eventually if you allow him to chip away long enough, your sense of self will be replaced by his implanted one. You are here questioning it, thank goodness, but the very fact that you have to even ask if what he is doing is normal, means he had already poisoned you.

I was poisoned too. But only because of cognitive dissonance. I did not want to believe that he was not a good person and that deep down he did not love me. But OF COURSE he didn't love me... someone who loved me would not want to see me cry, compare myself to other women, look in the mirror and never be happy, hate my body..... he WANTED to hurt me. And it is not normal, NO. And never think that it is.

There are men who would NEVER EVEN DREAM of saying the slightest negative thing to their partners. Why? Because they are not personality disordered/mentally ill... THAT is normal. Do not allow this twat to teach you a new level of normal that is patently ABNORMAL.

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 12:42

Yes he came from a very critical family. Step mum and father. Also very shouty (does this too)
Strangely the criticism has the opposite effect to what he wants and makes me less likely to diet/exercise (which I know would be better for me)

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Rachelover40 · 31/08/2019 12:43

Not 'normal', whatever that is.

There are some people who can instinctively tell that a person is open to, or will take some verbal abuse. Don't be one of them from now on!

CloudyWithAChance2 · 31/08/2019 12:44

I’m going to take a different angle as I think it’s important to see things from both sides.

Have you let yourself go recently or over the last year or so?

Did you used to ‘make an effort’ and you no longer do?

If the answer is yes, it could be felt by your DH that you no longer care about looking good for him and wanting to look attractive to him etc