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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else get constant cristism and is it normal?

52 replies

Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 11:52

It just seems never ending. My weight, my appearance, keeping house tidy. I just feel my self confidence ebbing away

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 31/08/2019 12:44

Someone posted this in another thread. I keep regurgitating it as there seem to be so many people posting about abusive situations:

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

It is very enlightening. Wish I had had it ten years ago. I had access to materials about abuse, I even bought a course, but I was so poisoned by him and addicted and trauma bonded that I went back multiple times, even after more of the same happened. He did it to two ex wives as well, the second one had a restraining order on him for physical violence, which he denied every doing. His second wife was so beautiful, I saw her a couple of times. She was breathtakingly stunning and he pulled the same shit on her.

This kind of emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse, it can get ramped up, so be careful.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 12:45

And this morning, my DS touched my thighs and said..'mummy I'm not being mean but you need to lose a bit of this...just to make daddy happy you know '
Time to do something I know Sad

OP posts:
Inebriati · 31/08/2019 12:47

I'm also pretty isolated from friends (due to frequent moves) so starting to lose sense of reality

I'm so sorry, but this all like a pattern of controlling behaviour which is escalating. Isolating you, disrupting your relationships and job, belittling you.

If you cant make changes for yourself, then do it for your DC.

MollyButton · 31/08/2019 12:48

He has been isolating you (the frequent moves), and is destroying you - and now he's doing it to your son.
Women's aid may be able to help - this is abuse.

Flowers you are both worth so much more.

Gemma1971 · 31/08/2019 12:48

So it is affecting your son and how he is growing up and understanding relationships and family dynamics. That is horrendous.

Cloudywith... just posted "Have you let yourself go recently or over the last year or so? Did you used to ‘make an effort’ and you no longer do?
If the answer is yes, it could be felt by your DH that you no longer care about looking good for him and wanting to look attractive to him etc"

Well even if that is the case, he is being really bloody nasty about it and using entirely the wrong approach. What he is doing is hurting her, NOT being helpful AT ALL.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 31/08/2019 12:53

Well even if that is the case, he is being really bloody nasty about it and using entirely the wrong approach. What he is doing is hurting her, NOT being helpful AT ALL

It’s helpful to understand how he might be feeling rather than just label him an abusive husband who has intentionally isolated her from her friends (which is likely complete bollocks).
A few comments about bingo wings is unkind, but my point is: if this a recent thing, he might be feeling unloved and that OP is no longer interested in him.

Whatsforu · 31/08/2019 12:56

Cloudy fuck off!!!! Seriously!!! It wouldn't matter if she had let herself go he is being abusive. There are certain ways you treat your partner and this is not any of them. Op please get you and your ds away from this poor excuse of a man.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 12:57

@CloudyWithAChance2
Nothing like that. If anything weigh less than when we met, and hair etc looks better, though obviously older!

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 31/08/2019 12:59

You absolutely have to do something, for your DS and your own sake.
I’d be making quiet plans to leave and be getting everything in order.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

CloudyWithAChance2 · 31/08/2019 13:00

Nothing like that. If anything weigh less than when we met, and hair etc looks better, though obviously older

So it’s clearly nothing to do with that. I agree, your Husband sounds like a bellend.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2019 13:06

You need to leave this man before he fully destroys you from the inside out and takes your son down with him.

How can you be helped into leaving your abusive husband. I would also think your frequent moves have been at his behest as well, this again is part of the control he exhibits in isolating you. His actions towards you are all about having absolute power and control over both you and in turn your son. He certainly cannot grow up here potentially turning into a carbon copy of his dad.

Fear of him and many other factors keep women within such abusive relationships and your son is picking up on all this from his abusive father as well.

Zofloramummy · 31/08/2019 13:11

It’s like constant acid dripping, coupled with anger it makes for an unhappy life. Not normal and not worth saving. Your partner should be the person who sees the best in you not a bullying arsehole. Your poor ds as well. I think you know it isn’t normal and it’s time to put yourself and your son first and make the right decisions for your mental health and well-being. Living with a man like that is disastrous for confidence and self esteem. My ex was like this and I am very happy he is an ex, but it took a fair bit of courage to stand up for myself and end it.

Powerplant · 31/08/2019 13:18

You need to bring him up about it ask him why he needs to continuously criticise you and tell him to shut up if he carries on. If he respects and loves you he will stop, if he doesn’t accept this then you need to consider your future.

Gemma1971 · 31/08/2019 13:20

If he respected and loved her, I feel he wouldn't be so regularly hurtful towards her in the first place.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 13:24

I have mentioned it. He says he tells me for my own good, and don't I agree that I need to do something!

OP posts:
wonderwhat · 31/08/2019 13:25

You can’t win with blokes like this. Mine used to be totally disinterested and critical about my body after having 3 kids. I shocked him by becoming a gym bunny. Lost over 2 stone in 6 months and now have body fat and metabolism of a person 10 years younger than my actual age. I look the best I’ve ever looked in my life. Still he can’t stop criticising. Now it’s comments like “you have the best body in the room even if you are crazy” do you see? He can’t find physical things to pick on so now I’m a psycho and any praise has a proviso of “but you are crazy” tagged onto it. I could be the Queen of England and my tiara would be too sparkly and hurt his eyes. I’ve checked out so his words wash over me now but I’ve lost all respect and love for him because of it. I’d suggest you get out while you can. Don’t become trapped like me.

category12 · 31/08/2019 13:27

What traps you, wonderwhat?

Powerplant · 31/08/2019 13:28

I’m sorry but I think you need to more than mention it. Tell him to stop nagging as it’s affecting both you and your ds. Why do you put up with it you are worth more than this?

Gemma1971 · 31/08/2019 13:32

Classic nasty abuser.... says he is helping you while insulting you.

Well you know what, sit him down over the weekend and say ok dear husband, what EXACTLY should I do to change how I am and how I do things that will finally bring you joy? Why are you so unhappy with me? - hand him a piece of paper and pen and tell him he has a day to write it all down, no holds barred. No discussion until he writes the list of EVERYTHING.

Then you can see what you are dealing with.

I did this with ex. You know what he said? Get ready to spit out your coffee... "WHY do you think I don't love you? I LOVE your body, it's perfect as it is, why would I want to change it?". Then refused to discuss it any more, actually literally fell to his knees, put his hands together and dramatically begged me to forgive him. This was a few days after he had told me I needed a BBL (denied he ever said it) and other sideways insults by the way.

I stayed for another two weeks, during which time I could barely bring myself to speak or even look at him and yet he blamed me for causing trouble. He was only trying to "help me" and I was "ungrateful".

It will tell you a lot about him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/08/2019 13:34

So now you know he’s fucking up your son’s MH. For certain.

Leave.

missmouse101 · 31/08/2019 13:45

How awful Op. Please, please tell him how abusive this is, how he makes you feel and what you plan to do about it. He is a nasty piece of work.

KUGA · 31/08/2019 14:02

I was married to someone like that a for over thirty years.
Suffice as to say I walked out divorced him and NEVER looked back.
Do the same for your sake and your ds.

mynamechangemyrules · 31/08/2019 14:11

This could have been me writing this 18 months ago (in fact I think I did!)

My divorce will be final in January.

It's not easy and a sudden amazing freedom, but small things like wearing clothes you like rather than ones he won't criticise you on, are wonderful. I got quite obsessed with having breakfast with the kids slowly and noisily because we'd spent years in the dark whispering as 'daddy mustn't be woken too early' and then he'd storm down and tell everyone I shouldn't be eating whatever I was eating because it Wallis make me 'even fatter'.

It is so nice to have a non critical household.

Prepare and line up a 'last chance list': when my ex refused any form of counselling I decided that's it, I'm done. I've tried to help him learn empathy and can do no more.

Original poster
Isthisnormalorisitme · 31/08/2019 14:35

Oh myname ....we have noisy times too when DH not there!!

OP posts:
MIdgebabe · 31/08/2019 15:28

Echo what was said earlier, well done for recognising it.

I left someone like that when I realised the harm to my DD. Best choice ever. Tough, well yes, but I found friends where i didn’t expect to, got promoted at work, got a life.