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Original poster

How do I adapt my sexual preferences/expectations to make relationship work?

41 replies

RockMobster · 31/08/2019 10:26

Potted history:

Relationship 1:

12 years with DC's Dad. Sex life was very good pre-DC but I had higher sex drive/was more kinky and found his vanilla-ness a bit limiting. As relationship dwindled we opened it up sexually which I enjoyed more than him and led me to meet.........

Relationship 2:

3 years of the best sex of my life. The kind that you see in movies and think, 'nah no-one REALLY has sex like that' 😳 . Truly mind-blowing and boundary pushing. The sexual chemistry was off the charts. I felt more alive and excited than at any other point in my life. Unfortunately from the start I insisted it be kept to sex/casual only as didn't want to jump into another full on relationship. He wanted to be together properly. This led to the relationship not going anywhere and we called time. I still think about him far far too often.

Relationship 3: Have been with DP for 1.5 years. We're very happy. He's utterly lovely, makes me roar with laughter on a daily basis, we want the same things from life in general. My kids adore him. The sex is really really good and he's got a kinky side which we're enjoying exploring. BUT, we don't have sex often enough for my liking. I want to do it every time we see each other (we don't live together, spend 4-5 nights together). He's more of a once-twice a week kinda guy. I'm worried that if we move in together things will slide further and I'll end up in a similar situation to the one I was in with EXH, feeling frustrated and resentful and wondering what else is out there.

I'm 39 FFS. Why do I still place such an emphasis on sex? I don't want to lose DP but I also don't want to end up spending my 40s (maybe the last decade of me being vaguely hot 😂) not having as much sex as I want to. I also think that surely at 1.5 years in, he should be wanting to rip my clothes off and then I freak out that he doesn't fancy me enough.

Am having counselling about lots of issues but the person I'm seeing doesn't seem to get what I'm saying about the sex stuff and thinks that at our age a relationship should just be companionship and a weekly lift of the nightie.

How do I adjust my expectations?

Have spoken openly with DP about it which is good. I would never ever pressure him to have more sex than he wants but feel it's only fair to make him aware of how I feel.

Eurgh, sorry for the brain spew. Any advice would be great.

Am not a pervy hairy knuckled troll btw. Have name-changed for anonymity.

☕ and 🥐 for anyone who made it to the end.

OP posts:
Notallitseemstobe · 31/08/2019 10:34

Leave him, it's not going to work. You need what you need, and you'll get frustrated and feel bad for wanting to fulfil what are your natural desires.

bigchris · 31/08/2019 10:36

Leave him

Is relationship 2 guy single Wink

category12 · 31/08/2019 10:38

Would non-monogamy work for you both?

NameChangeNugget · 31/08/2019 10:40

Don’t sacrifice your principles here, you’ll be miserable OP and end up resenting him. You’re under 40 and settling for sex less than twice a week, would be ridiculous. Not many people would put up with that.

InDubiousBattle · 31/08/2019 10:43

I don't think it can work op. It isn't something you can easily compromise on without him feeling like he should have sex he doesn't want.

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 31/08/2019 10:44

I'm a bit confused about what you actually want from a relationship

You were sexually compatible with #2 but didn't want a proper relationship yet you are less sexually compatible with #3 but are having a proper relationship with him?!

Sounds like you'd be better sticking to shorter term 'flings' without the commitment or living together etc and keeping your lovelife separate from your homelife, that way it is easier to move on if you get bored or you aren't getting enough sex with less upset for your DC or the other person. There is no reason why a successful sexual relationship has to progress to living together or blending families etc

category12 · 31/08/2019 10:46

And maybe look for a sex-positive counsellor?

Butterymuffin · 31/08/2019 10:46

You say the sex with current partner is really good. Is the sex with previous partner so much better that it's worth sacrificing everything else for, i.e. current partner's bond with your kids? Are you sure you aren't romanticising the past?

I think it's risky to imagine that you can have absolutely everything you want all at the same time.

Fatted · 31/08/2019 10:51

Why did you not want to get into a serious relationship with the man who you were sexually compatible with? It doesn't really make a lot of sense that you didn't want to do that. Are you afraid if you settle down then the sexual chemistry will fizzle out? I think this speaks volumes and is perhaps what you need to focus on.

Part of me thinks that perhaps you should leave your current partner if you both want different things. But I also think it's probably worth working on yourself as well. You mentioned you don't feel like he likes you if he doesn't want to have sex with you constantly. I'm not saying that you have to live a sexless life forever. But at some point, your looks will fade. And things get in the way making sex impossible. And there are other ways of expressing affection as well as the physical side of things. That doesn't mean your partner doesn't find you attractive or doesn't care about you. It's the same with everything, relationships are about compromise and the way they last is about meeting each other in the middle.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 31/08/2019 10:51

3 years of having sex with someone isn't casual. Why after all that time did you not just make a go of it with no. 2?

Original poster
RockMobster · 31/08/2019 10:52

Thanks all.

bigChris I have no idea what his life is like now. We're not in any kind of contact apart from doing s weird WhatsApp dance where we both seem to end up 'online' at the same times but neither of us messages.

Fizz I understand I might sound contrary. I met Man2 as I was exiting my marriage. I was very damaged and hurt and not ready for anything more than casual fun. I feel like if we'd met a few years later we'd be together properly.

When I met DP it was almost a year after Man2. I'd taken a break from dating, had worked some of my shit out and felt ready for another monogamous relationship. I don't want non-monogamy tbh. I don't want to shag loads of different people. I want someone to come home to, someone to share my life with but with buckets of really good sex as well. Is that a pipe dream do you reckon?

It just feels so indulgent and selfish to consider ending it due to sex. But I can see how the future will go if it stays like this 😟.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/08/2019 11:04

You've mentioned that you had to work a lot of things out after your marriage ending... was any of that related to sex?

My instinct is that you'd find this easier to navigate in life if you didn't see your high sex drive as a negative. It's not. It would be if you were pressuring anyone into having more sex than they wanted; or cheating, but by itself it's not a bad thing. It's something you need.

romeoonthebalcony · 31/08/2019 11:11

"at our age a relationship should just be companionship and a weekly lift of the nightie" if your counsellor actuallys states this rather than this being your interpretation, find another one, possibly one that is accredited by COSRT

bowtieandheels · 31/08/2019 11:27

I'm in exactly the same position so watching with interest...but I can't help feeling the pp are right in that we have to leave...but will we ever find the person who can tick every box? It's a massive risk!

gingersausage · 31/08/2019 11:27

Do you actually believe deep down that the sort of sex you want and the sort of relationship you want are available from the same man?

I don’t presume to know what’s going on in your head, but it sounds like you’ve almost got a Madonna/whore complex going with regards to men. Sorry if I’m way off, I’m not trying to offend 🙂.

PlinkPlink · 31/08/2019 11:38

Ah kink.

The most addictive, amazing kind of relationship if you can find the right person to do it with.

No words to describe it and once you've had it, you want it all the time.

Me and DP, before DS, had a rocking sex life. We still get moments like it but they are few and far between and I find it hard not to have it as much as I want to.

I've realised it's integral to me. I spent 10 years with the mose vanilla man you could meet 😂 it was awful. Like being imprisoned in the most boring sex life for years on end.
So when I got to dating, it was one of my priorities to find someone who wanted to explore the same things and do it properly. None of that Christian Grey shite 😂😂

OH and I only got to see each other twice a week in the beginning so texting (words, pics and vids) was a great way of tiding us over. You could try that?

The build up to actually having time together was great and made it so exciting. I wouldnt be in a rush to ditch someone if they're actually quite nice and wonderful in other ways.

You could open it up too? If you're both consenting and both like the idea. I'm personally too greedy to share OH.

But... after a while, if you still find it's not working for you, you may need to think about parting ways. Sex is very important in a relationship and even more so in a kink relationship. Sometimes people just aren't sexually compatible. But I hope you find ways to make it work.

InDubiousBattle · 31/08/2019 11:42

Is that a pipe dream
I think it would be hard to find someone who would 'guarantee' bucket loads of sex all of the time(??). I've found sex varies and ebbs and flows around kids, work, illness, tiredness, opportunity etc.

Orangepearl · 31/08/2019 11:46

From what I’ve read in the meno pages give it 5 years and you won’t want anyway. Just a thought!

category12 · 31/08/2019 11:52
Grin

Yep, don't live together until the menopause takes away your libido (if it does) and just enjoy the dating/shagging in the meantime.

InDubiousBattle · 31/08/2019 11:52

Five years?? Shit. I'm 40 and 45 seems pretty young to be giving up altogether!!
I'm now in two minds: go directly to the menopause section to see if this is true or hide it forever!

Ilikethisone · 31/08/2019 11:54

We're not in any kind of contact apart from doing s weird WhatsApp dance where we both seem to end up 'online' at the same times but neither of us messages.

How do you even know this? You must look at him on what's app a lot. If you have really spoken in 1.5 years

Hopoindown31 · 31/08/2019 12:36

This has got affair written all over it tbh. I suggest you either sit down and have a proper honest discussion or you leave. However please accept that all LTRs have elements of compromise. The idea that you will find someone who is perfect in everyway is unrealistic.

Original poster
RockMobster · 31/08/2019 14:53

Thanks again.

I know there's no such thing as a perfect relationship and that they all require an element of compromise. It's just that in this particular case it's only me who's doing the compromising. And I suspect that is going to become an issue down the line. There's a thread at the moment that is titled "The things you accept now are the reasons you'll break up later" (or something to that effect) and it keeps reverberating in my head at the minute.

I really do love DP and he's far from boring. He keeps me on my toes intellectually, we talk for hours. We have plenty of spark. It's just the sex thing (which admittedly is a pretty big thing). I'm left wondering how much settling I can do now before it becomes a problem in the future.

I would never have an affair. Both DP and I have been cheated on in the past and badly hurt by it.

Swinging/kink/sex parties might be something I'd consider but only if DP was fully on board (previous conversations suggest he might). But I have reservations about making fantasies a reality and the possible consequences.

Eurgh it's all such a headfuck. Of my own making maybe.

OP posts:
Retroraver93 · 31/08/2019 15:15

Just a thought. Could relationship 2 have seemed so good sexually because it was NSA and you didn't have to deal with the highs and lows of a full-time relationship? Was amazing sex all you really had in common? If so it might have just fizzled out when real life got in the way if you had become serious with him.

Sounds like your DP now is the full package and you said yourself that the sex is good too and you are still exploring. You've got quality but maybe not the quantity you like at the moment. I'd give it time and not do anything hasty.

Have you considered a bit of DIY to keep you satisfied in between? Lovehoney has a great range of things to choose from to help you light your own fire and stop frustration setting in 😉

RantyAnty · 31/08/2019 15:22

What I have to ask is how you managed to find not 1 but 3 decent guys when so many of us struggle to find just one?

I used to be like that when younger and I realised later on, I really wasn't that horny all the time.

It was an expectation I had that my sexualness was the main thing I had to offer to a man.

It was validation and I also did feel like they didn't care for me if they weren't almost always ready to go. I felt almost like a performer. It also was a way I put up a wall.