How do I adapt my sexual preferences/expectations to make relationship work?

[RockMobster]

Potted history:

Relationship 1:

12 years with DC's Dad. Sex life was very good pre-DC but I had higher sex drive/was more kinky and found his vanilla-ness a bit limiting. As relationship dwindled we opened it up sexually which I enjoyed more than him and led me to meet.........

Relationship 2:

3 years of the best sex of my life. The kind that you see in movies and think, 'nah no-one REALLY has sex like that' 😳 . Truly mind-blowing and boundary pushing. The sexual chemistry was off the charts. I felt more alive and excited than at any other point in my life. Unfortunately from the start I insisted it be kept to sex/casual only as didn't want to jump into another full on relationship. He wanted to be together properly. This led to the relationship not going anywhere and we called time. I still think about him far far too often.

Relationship 3: Have been with DP for 1.5 years. We're very happy. He's utterly lovely, makes me roar with laughter on a daily basis, we want the same things from life in general. My kids adore him. The sex is really really good and he's got a kinky side which we're enjoying exploring. BUT, we don't have sex often enough for my liking. I want to do it every time we see each other (we don't live together, spend 4-5 nights together). He's more of a once-twice a week kinda guy. I'm worried that if we move in together things will slide further and I'll end up in a similar situation to the one I was in with EXH, feeling frustrated and resentful and wondering what else is out there.

I'm 39 FFS. Why do I still place such an emphasis on sex? I don't want to lose DP but I also don't want to end up spending my 40s (maybe the last decade of me being vaguely hot 😂) not having as much sex as I want to. I also think that surely at 1.5 years in, he should be wanting to rip my clothes off and then I freak out that he doesn't fancy me enough.

Am having counselling about lots of issues but the person I'm seeing doesn't seem to get what I'm saying about the sex stuff and thinks that at our age a relationship should just be companionship and a weekly lift of the nightie.

How do I adjust my expectations?

Have spoken openly with DP about it which is good. I would never ever pressure him to have more sex than he wants but feel it's only fair to make him aware of how I feel.

Eurgh, sorry for the brain spew. Any advice would be great.

Am not a pervy hairy knuckled troll btw. Have name-changed for anonymity.

☕ and 🥐 for anyone who made it to the end.

Retro that's absolutely right. We have the quality sorted, it's just the quantity that's the issue.

So after a really good sex session I'll want more and more whereas DP will feel like the really good session will keep us going for a while. We see it very differently.

Have half of Lovehoney in my bedroom already 😂. I do masturbate a few times a week but it's not just an orgasm that I desire, it's that sexual interaction with the person I love. Sex is a huge part of me feeling bonded to someone.

Sounds to me like you would be better off out if s relationship and satisfying your urges with two or three sex buddies. Least then the sex would be fresh.

Have you spoken to him about why it's only a couple of times a week?
I had to have words with my DP about the lack of sex and he said he'd do better, but it's still hit and miss.
He's the type that can go 6 to 8 times one after the other - but I'd rather have it every day rather than multiples twice a week.

Sounds like you need to get to the bottom of why - if that's just how he is then it just may be that you're not well matched and you'd be better looking elsewhere.

Ranty Your post rings a lot of bells. I've told DP that I'm not used to being with someone who isn't frequently expressing physical desire towards me. He seemed to take this on at the time but nothing has really changed. It's like I need the validation that sex brings, knowing that the other person wants you. I end up feeling like he can take it or leave it and then I feel undesirable and feel a strong urge to back off (self-defence mechanism?).

Although as a previous poster pointed out, with amazing sex guy, we weren't seeing each other as many times a week as DP and I are so things were definitely heightened. But we were constantly sending each other suggestive texts/pics inbetween. I have tried this approach with DP, sent him a saucy pic the other day and he replied jokingly admonishing me for sending it to him while he was at work. And nothing else. I then just felt like never trying again.

I think he wants a cosy, comfortable, easy relationship after being put through the wringer by his cheating, gaslighting ex.

I think I want more.

Fuck.

Do you think your attitude to sex is healthy OP? It does seem that you seek approval/validation/connection through sex, do you want to connect in your relationship in other ways ?

When you say you want more than a cosy, easy, comfortable relationship what do you mean?

Ah, that's not a great response to your picture. My DP loves them and I love sending them because of the response. We also have good sexts between visits too. I didn't realise how sexual I was until I met DP and I'm loving it. I couldn't compromise after a sexless marriage before OP so I understand why this is important to you. I also feel like it shows how much someone desires you too.

If you think you want more and you know he's not going to give that to you, then leaving seems to be an option - if it is truly making you unhappy?

Different people prioritise different areas of relationships. Sex is an important part of a relationship and if you're not compatible, it's not going to get easier or go away. You will resent him for not giving you what you crave and need. If he did do what you ask, he might end up resenting you for making him feel like he's not enough on his own.

Do you think this is past the point of trying?

Sex is absolutely an important part of a relationship but you seem to want to prioritise it over everything else. I think you should keep seeing a counsellor.

Speaking as someone who's not had sex for over a year, I am envious but can relate

Personally, after going through a horribly abusive, sexless marriage I'd be delighted at the balance you appear to have.

Validation can come (excuse the pun) in lots of ways ... not to patronise.

I wish you well what's your secret ?

Are there non-sexual things he could do to give you the validation you need op? He's a lovely man who makes you laugh, your kids love him, the sex is great and you have a similar outlook on life, it's a lot to lose tbh. However, if you can't imagine a life where you have sex a couple of times a week then you need to separate because it sounds as though he's satisfied with that.

It's like I need the validation that sex brings, knowing that the other person wants you.

This is the problem. It's fine and healthy to have a strong sex drive but to feel that you have to have validation of yourself as a person via someone else's sexual desire for you, and that they have to provide you with that validation as often as you want it or it doesn't work, isn't good. I would look at talking that through in counselling. You have worth as a person regardless of who does or doesn't desire you and how often. That sounds obvious but lots of people have trouble really believing it.

Hmm
I definitely agree that good sex and sexual compatibility are important in a relationship. However - are you sure you want sex and it's not about wanting to feel wanted? I know how it feels to be with a man who can't get enough of you and when you date someone who isn't quite so sexual it can feel weird. But if you're actually looking for closeness and validation as much as you are looking for orgasms you need to acknowledge that.
Personally, I'd rather be non monogamous than try to get everything from one man. But I know that doesn't suit everyone.

I can relate to an awful lot here OP. I've never been able to sustain a long term monogamous relationship. I get bored very quickly and very desperately. High sex drive, mild kinks and all that. I'm married, but in an open relationship and meet my needs that way. I also attend counseling, for a couple of years now, and find that it helps me to cope and to be a better person, more in tune with my needs and more aware of other people's perspectives. Original reasons for counseling were relationship struggles (partner's anger outbursts) and childhood sexual abuse but ultimately counseling is about self discovery and has much broader benefits than understanding one specific set of problems.

From where I stand I think you need to decide whether you want a long term relationship bad enough to be willing to compromise. I think that stability of a long term relationship trumps great sex for most people in the long run because sexual needs can be met in other ways - either solo or through an open relationship route. If your partner was great in bed to the standard you describe, it'd be unlikely that he'd be also a good long term relationship material because he'd have acquired his skills through the desire for sexual variety. Finding a partner who is kinky and fun but also committed in a traditional sense is rather unlikely.

Good luck whatever you decide. Life is a beautiful struggle :)

OP, have you read "The Erotic Mind" by Jack Morin? It may help you to understand and accept that you have a particular erotic style where sex and relatedness are very closely associated.

In terms of the "how" though, there are a number of really great sexual counsellors out there who might help you to come to a decision, whatever that decision may be. PM me if you want more information. (Note: it's not me!)

Did you have sex with other people when you were with Man number 2 ?

but I also don't want to end up spending my 40s (maybe the last decade of me being vaguely hot 😂)

Speak for yourself!